My husband can't even provide the most basic things in life

[LadyTe]

I am in desperate need of some advice. I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore. My husband hasn’t cheated on me or abused me in any way and he actually loves me very much – which makes things so much more difficult. I care about him as well, but I feel like my life is not going anywhere with him.

 

He cannot get or maintain a steady job even though he does try (but not as hard as I think he should). I am getting tired of him always trying and never actually getting anything. I worked full time while I completed my Bachelor’s degree and I have to beg him to try and enroll back in community college. He has it in his mind that he is going to be a big record producer so it would be a waste of time to go back to school.

 

I just wanted to have a family where we could be comfortable. I never thought I would have to be the primary bread winner. I can’t even take time off from work because I carry the only medical coverage. I believe that we got married too young, but I felt that as long as we felt genuinely passionate for each other that everything would work itself out.

 

We still live with my mom and I am sick of not feeling like I don’t have any options. I want children and I just found out that he may not have any sperm and he refuses to go for further testing.

 

Should I have to like the rest of my life without the things that I feel I deserve because my mate is unable to provide them for me.

 

Please help me.

[Wolvesbaned]

I'm sorry to hear that times are hard for you now. But it sounds like your husband is acting more like your child than a husband and the last thing you need now is another child. Whatever you do, don't bring a baby in this world when things are a blur with you and your spouse! If you do that you're basically digging your own grave to mental anguish and desolation.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling or maybe even turning to a trusted and older family friend for advice? Communicate to your husband how important it is for you to share responsibilities and that planning for a family is also important. Tell him how it makes you feel by being the only support, tell him how much it would mean to you to get help from him. See what he says... keep us posted.

 

Best of luck to you

[magda]

I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore.

So get out.

 

Sounds like you want to be provided for and that it isn't going to happen with him. Those are things you should figure out before marraige because it's pretty effin important - you know, the future.

[Samson]

Should I have to like the rest of my life without the things that I feel I deserve because my mate is unable to provide them for me.

 

Apparently, not only is marriage a failing ideal, but so is the women's liberation movement.

[LadyTe]

I have asked him to go to counseling, but he says that we don't need to discuss our personal issues in front of a stranger. I don't plan to bring a child into the current situation, it was just that finding out his infertility news was the last straw

 

And

 

I did think about the future before I got married. The difference is that the older I'm getting, the more my values and desires are changing. I feel that I am growing and learning and want to experience more in life, while he is just content on doing the same exact thing he's been doing for 7 years. I would like to feel like I can grow with him, but his stubborn attitude makes it difficult. I guess I'm most torn because I do love him, I just can't live my life in the same place.

[average guy]

It sounds like several big issues to deal with (especially if you really want children). Can you see a therapist for a few sessions to help sort out your feelings? I'm sure it would help you decide what to do

 

Good luck

[kirkyswife]

No I'll just refrain from being negative -[color=indigo] [font=times new roman]divorce the man so he can get his life on track and hopefully meet and marry a woman who will love and support him in the manner HE DESERVES![/font][/color]

[CurlyIam]

What if he has like a disorder of some type?Forinstance, I totally freeze when it comes to applying for something, for anything. Especially since I do know that I have the skill, and knowledge, etc. I have to make an extraeffort and still, I always do it at the very last minute of the very last day.

 

Honestely, check stuff like ADD or something of the kind. No one likes being a looser and having the woman provide for him. I'm sure he feel awfull.

 

Have a heart to heart talk to him and don't pressure him to go into counselling. You need both of yourselves to make it work there.

 

Listen, love, a man that makes you happy, that supposts, accepts and appreciates you ... these things are very hard to meet. Think well and hard about which decision to make!

 

Open your eyes as well as your heart, and forget the "under my level" bull. You're not sleeping with a man degree when in bed!

[moimeme]

Apparently, not only is marriage a failing ideal, but so is the women's liberation movement.

 

Apparently, entire major social trends are negated when not every single human follows them

 

No one likes being a looser and having the woman provide for him. I'm sure he feel awfull.

 

Gawd, Curly! I thought that attitude died out with button shoes and quills!!!

 

You have just bought into the very stereotype Samson complained about. Where does it say it is a man's obligation to provide? What makes him a 'loser' to not do so? What if he would rather be the person who takes care of the home? How is that a valid choice for a woman but not for a man????? And why are you not calling this woman a 'loser' (there is only ONE O IN "LOSER" BY THE WAY!!!) because she wants some guy to pay the way for her?

 

As for LadyTe, you could, if you really loved this guy, find ways around the situation. You could, for instance, look into other ways of having children. However, it seems that your values and desires are driving your decision. I can understand not wanting to be with someoene who does not have any wish to grow or experience anything new but he must always have been like this. Are you saying that you used to be the same but have realized you were leading too narrow a life?

 

I'd agree with the possibility that he could have a disorder. Stubbornness, unwillingness to do different things, and inability to hold down jobs are common to men with AD/HD. Could be a number of other things, too, but it may be worth looking into.

 

And have a little sympathy. I'm sure he's awful unhappy to find out that he doesn't have any swimmers. Men tend to take this very hard.

[Samson]

And have a little sympathy. I'm sure he's awful unhappy to find out that he doesn't have any swimmers. Men tend to take this very hard

 

Yes, I'd imagine the number of women having heard this news and taking it "hard" would be rather small.

[EnigmaXOXO]

LadyTe,

 

How long has your husband been chasing his dreams to become a record producer? Has any of his efforts proved fruitful so far?

 

I'm also wondering as to "why" he can not hold down a job. Is it that his work is temporary and or "seasonal"…or is there some reason why he is being terminated?

 

I'm not going to side one way or the other about traditional roles and "who" should be the major bread-winner in a partnership. To me, it should be an equal effort, the responsibilities being split as fairly as possible. If while your husband is unemployed, he is taking care of things on the homefront then I think he would be contributing equally. However, since you live in your parents home, and have no children to look after, I can't help but wonder just what he's contributing to your present and future life together.

 

Perhaps you could reach an agreement that if, within a certain time frame, he has not made a go of his "record producing" dreams, then its time to seek out other alternatives. If he still shows any lack of motivation or willingness to apply himself to establishing your independent lives together…than (if in your situation) I would seriously consider my options of "going it alone" if you are truly unhappy.

 

After all, without your salary and your mother providing him with shelter, he would have no other alternative than to pick himself up by the seat of his pants and find a way to take care of himself, anyway.

 

I think the problem is, thanks to you two ladies, he's just gotten too comfortable and complacent. I can certainly understand your frustration.

[CurlyIam]

He cannot get or maintain a steady job even though he does try (but not as hard as I think he should).( ... )He has it in his mind that he is going to be a big record producer so it would be a waste of time to go back to school.

 

 

So, moi, tell me, for a guy who wants to be a big record producer, it must be a dream come true to have his wife pay for him!!! This isn't a "I wanna settle down, I hate the pressure" type of guy! Stay home and watch which kids?

 

 

By the way, no disrespect to Samson, but this has nothing to do with the "liberation" movement. As a matter of fact, you're the one falling for his game, for you care. And there is no need to scream about the "o" in the loser! I shall allow you to correct me when you'll be able to express yourself in foreing language as well as I do!

 

 

Since we're on the topic, yes, I do want and I think my man should earn just as much as I do! Why? The power of personal experience. No earlier than 15 years ago in my country you needed an ID to be able to buy bread. A family was allowed to consume one litter of oil a month. Each person had the right to buy one orange and to wait on interminable lines for it. Do you think that this can be easily forgotten? Yes, I am guilty of thinking that no matter how much I earn, it still isn't enough for the children I'll one day have. Do I think love is important? Yes I do! But one should not force his kids to eat love on bread a lifetime.

 

Do I feel any sympathy for women or men staying at home? No! Do I respect their choice? Yes! But this obviously not the case! That man is a dreamer, not a person who has decided to stay home!

 

 

 

 

Back to the main topic: LadyTe, two things:

 

A. if you want a career and feel that he prevents you from achieving your potential, then you have some thinking to do. I think this isn't the issue since you did marry early in life.

 

B.- if you want a family and you think he isn't able or willing to give you that,

- if you fear he won't help you provide for your kids, if you cannot rely on him to change, to trade his dreams in order to make it here, in the real world, than you know what to do!

 

Does he have a plan? Does he have the contacts? Does he have anything that might show him that he's on the right track? Do you see him worrying for that, stressed for not accomplishing his dream, or is he simply enjoying the ride since he has a place to stay and someone to pay for the dinner? Big questions!!!!!