torn between feelings

[tannie]

I am a woman, who within 3 wks, had fallen deeply in love with a man. I'm 31, he's 27. He approached me from the beginning, he romanticized me from the start, he said i love you first. He never bought me anything, it was the way he looked at me, spoke to me, his actions that were so genuinely loving. We had been an exclusive couple for three weeks when he said he needed time to "himself" because he says he doesnt know who he is, if he even wants to be with someone. During our relationship, he completely opened his heart to me. For the past two weeks he has been "by himself". After those first four days by himself, he phoned to say that he's not saying goodbye forever, he doesnt know how long it'll take him to figure himself out. But he would like us to be together one day. He keeps my pictures out, at home and work, he's keeping my flannel jammies under his pillow. Well, for the next 10 days i heard nothing from him. I went from, did he meet someone else? is he afraid to say its over? what the heck is happening? I boiled it down to he's scared of the closeness we had. I know what I want, and am not afraid of the intensity of our relationship. This past saturday i told him we should give it another chance. We will be talking wed night regarding getting back together. Now i feel that if i really love him like i claim, shouldnt i just let him be? IF you love someone set them free? Am i wise getting back together with someone who is afraid? confused? It hurts to be without him, yet I dont want to make him feel forced into getting back together. All my life i have waited to be treated by a man like he treated me for those three weeks. The pain i am experiencing, from being without him, from wondering if i'm doing the right thing, to hoping i'm not manipulating him into getting back, is an excrutiating pain in my heart. It's not being alone in my life (without "someone") that is upsetting me, it's being without HIM.

 

Thanks for listening

 

tannie

[Tony T]

I know how you feel. Been there a few times. You met this man when you were ready for something special and he fit the bill perfectly. You were ready, he wasn't. He is taking time to find himself, that could happen in a few days, a few years, or never. I always think the "finding myself" thing is a bunch of crap but as long as the ladies buy off on it, men will use it. I guess women use it too.

 

YOU ASK: "Now i feel that if i really love him like i claim, shouldnt i just let him be?

 

You have no choice. Drugging him is against the law. Sending him subliminal messages over the airwaves is unethical. Making a pest of yourself will alienate him. He needs time, lots of it, and he needs time to himself.

 

When the two of you met, he got lost in the fires of passion. Once he gained his equalibrium, he was panic stricken and not knowing what to do. Chemicals can do that to you. When you meet someone and go head over heals for them, you wack out and just become a bit insane for a time. Now, he may be scared, he may really not know what he wants, or any one of a number of other problems could have come up. I stand by that lame "got to get to know myself" crap as a bunch of bunk, though.

 

YOUR NEXT QUESTIONl "IF you love someone set them free?"

 

Again, you have no choice. You can handcuff them, lock them inside a building, chain them to a tree, whatever. But there is no way to lock up the human heart. It will go no matter where his body is. The setting free has to do more with you than with him. He is already free. You have to set yourself free so you aren't preoccupied with this situation.

 

FINAL QUESTION: "Am i wise getting back together with someone who is afraid? confused?"

 

No, not wise at all. But if you can handle it and for the satisfaction of your curiosity, if he comes back fairly soon, hang around to see what his game is. But the minute the fireworks start back up again, this dude will run off to find himself again.

 

Relationships that start very quickly usually end very quickly. A good, healthy relationship has a sound foundation of friendship and common experiences over time. If you build a home in a week it will not nearly withstand the wind, wear and elements that one built caringly in three to five months will handle.

 

Same goes for relationships. The enduring ones are the ones where people fall in love after they know many aspects of a person's life, their history, their personality, their likes, dislikes, hang-ups, etc. You have yet to discover these things about him...except you do know he "need to find himself." Knowing you are wild about him is knowing more about yourself...it doesn't really tell you much about him except that he ignites your fire. Seems like he puts it out pretty quickly as well.

 

I hope you don't waste a lot of your time on this waiting around stuff. It's nice to have your pictures on his wall at home and work, but he's got a lot more hang ups than that.

[tannie]

Thank you very much, tony, for listening and responding to my message. I really aprreciate you taking your time out to do that. My best friend who adopted me as her "little sister" sympathizes with me in this situation, so its good to hear the objective opinion of someone who is looking in from the outside. Kind of wakes you up to how you should be thinking, etc.

 

I know how you feel. Been there a few times. You met this man when you were ready for something special and he fit the bill perfectly. You were ready, he wasn't. He is taking time to find himself, that could happen in a few days, a few years, or never. I always think the "finding myself" thing is a bunch of crap but as long as the ladies buy off on it, men will use it. I guess women use it too. YOU ASK: "Now i feel that if i really love him like i claim, shouldnt i just let him be? You have no choice. Drugging him is against the law. Sending him subliminal messages over the airwaves is unethical. Making a pest of yourself will alienate him. He needs time, lots of it, and he needs time to himself. When the two of you met, he got lost in the fires of passion. Once he gained his equalibrium, he was panic stricken and not knowing what to do. Chemicals can do that to you. When you meet someone and go head over heals for them, you wack out and just become a bit insane for a time. Now, he may be scared, he may really not know what he wants, or any one of a number of other problems could have come up. I stand by that lame "got to get to know myself" crap as a bunch of bunk, though. YOUR NEXT QUESTIONl "IF you love someone set them free?" Again, you have no choice. You can handcuff them, lock them inside a building, chain them to a tree, whatever. But there is no way to lock up the human heart. It will go no matter where his body is. The setting free has to do more with you than with him. He is already free. You have to set yourself free so you aren't preoccupied with this situation. FINAL QUESTION: "Am i wise getting back together with someone who is afraid? confused?"

 

No, not wise at all. But if you can handle it and for the satisfaction of your curiosity, if he comes back fairly soon, hang around to see what his game is. But the minute the fireworks start back up again, this dude will run off to find himself again. Relationships that start very quickly usually end very quickly. A good, healthy relationship has a sound foundation of friendship and common experiences over time. If you build a home in a week it will not nearly withstand the wind, wear and elements that one built caringly in three to five months will handle. Same goes for relationships. The enduring ones are the ones where people fall in love after they know many aspects of a person's life, their history, their personality, their likes, dislikes, hang-ups, etc. You have yet to discover these things about him...except you do know he "need to find himself." Knowing you are wild about him is knowing more about yourself...it doesn't really tell you much about him except that he ignites your fire. Seems like he puts it out pretty quickly as well. I hope you don't waste a lot of your time on this waiting around stuff. It's nice to have your pictures on his wall at home and work, but he's got a lot more hang ups than that.

[Taressa]

Hi Tannie,

 

You've acted wisely so far... I believe this special love is worth a little waiting.

 

May I suggest, however, that you set up a few protective boundaries... by boundaries I mean something that will protect your peace of mind and your self-esteem. Waiting with no hope of resolution will tear you down. So I'm suggesting you give him time but a stated amount of time... not to force his hand but to protect your mind.

 

It would best be handled gently, reassuringly so he knows you're not wanting to end it but that you're willing to go on with your life without him if he cannot resolve his feelings for you. The penalty of not meeting the deadline could be something simple like a month apart with no contact, or it could be you moving on with your life to consider the relationship lovely, but ended.

 

I'm glad you've kept your friend involved because her truthful support will help you be strong enough to see and do all you need.

 

I'm hoping the lovely man comes around and returns; it sounds like a special relationship. I'm hoping also that you'll make a quick escape if he is not wise enough or strong enough to look this love in the face.

 

Best wishes,

 

Taressa

[tannie]

\Thank you Taressa, I just read your response today. I've decided that tomorrow night I will first tell him that I dont want him to feel forced into getting back together, that because i love him, of course i'll try to convince him of it, but i want him to willingly agree and to make an honest effort. If he decides it's definitely a no, I will just have to swallow the pain, and tell him, I'd like to hear from him if ever he has a change of heart. Silently I will have to convince myself its over forever, so i can get on with my life. And maybe oneday I will hear from him. I've already suggested a time period for being apart but he said NO. I will definitely let him know that I am not angry with him, that I love him... and that's the truth. I think he knows me well enough to know I'll mean it. I have his same fears but act on them differently. If he's willing to listen I will try to help him understand its a universal fear with everyone, but worth the chance to take.

Hi Tannie, You've acted wisely so far... I believe this special love is worth a little waiting. May I suggest, however, that you set up a few protective boundaries... by boundaries I mean something that will protect your peace of mind and your self-esteem. Waiting with no hope of resolution will tear you down. So I'm suggesting you give him time but a stated amount of time... not to force his hand but to protect your mind.

 

It would best be handled gently, reassuringly so he knows you're not wanting to end it but that you're willing to go on with your life without him if he cannot resolve his feelings for you. The penalty of not meeting the deadline could be something simple like a month apart with no contact, or it could be you moving on with your life to consider the relationship lovely, but ended. I'm glad you've kept your friend involved because her truthful support will help you be strong enough to see and do all you need. I'm hoping the lovely man comes around and returns; it sounds like a special relationship. I'm hoping also that you'll make a quick escape if he is not wise enough or strong enough to look this love in the face. Best wishes, Taressa