A sudden reappearance of an old ex

[breakfastafter10]

ok, so ill start with the short and sweet version, at the moment its all i have the energy for, and i know its vague but i don't necessarily know that im looking for 'advice' just a chance to vent and absorb any type of feedback

 

almost exactly two years ago a girl and I broke off an 8 month relationship. things had started really well and without ANY of the complications that you'd expect from a new relationship. we got along well, and both seemed to be comfortable enough to be fully open with each other. that being said after the first month or so things became sort of...stagnant and we never really progressed just sort of went through the motions. as months went by we just kinda drifted apart for a number of reasons i suppose, not the least of which is that while she was a very nice person she could be unintentionally thoughtless at times and never particuarly appreciated me...so at the beginning of the summer two years ago i broke things off, knowing that she would be leaving for college down south at the end of the summer regardless and there was really no way our relationship would stand a chance long distance...it was a very mutual and amicable breakup that didn't leave either of us terribly scared...maybe we had both just accepted the fact it wasn't working

 

in the first year that she was gone we spoke maybe a handful of times, none of them particularly pleasant...she had met a guy down there and was quite serious in no time and i had plenty of my own problems to deal with (a different story...sort of) which had left me fairly cynical about myself and the way i approached relationships

 

so the second year goes by without a word between us and then one day she catches me online and says hi, we had a short conversation (which i was not terribly enthused about) to make a long story short she went to college, met this guy, got really serious with him, started living with him, he moved to another state down south and she decided to transfer schools to live with him and while she was preparing to move in she picked up his cell phone only to hear a girl on the other end and only to share stories with the other girl about this dude's cheating ways...end result, she moves back north with her parents, her education on hold (on a side note im recently out of school)....the end of the conversation she asks if i want a cup of coffee, maybe a quick bite to eat and some ketchup...i told her i was busy because, well, i just wasn't into it

 

i said i'd call sometime, and didn't (i assumed i was dropping a fairly obvious hint that i had no interest in bringing her back into my life as a friend)...but she called me, i happened to be in a good mood, and we had the coffee

 

we had a great two hour conversation about life and love and what he had been up to during which she had dropped some real curious eye raisers such as:

 

"this guy i was with down south treated me like crap now that i look back on it, and the guy i dated before you treated me like crap, and i think when we dated i had no idea what it was like to be treated well and i think i took that for granted''

 

"i always wanted to call you up and apologize for the way our relationship ended and the way i withdrew"

 

we've hung out a few times since, very casual, always a good time, though i notice she is staying fairly distant physically, and at times emotionally (which i totally understand given what she went through not two months ago), but she's also added in some 'why the hell are you telling me this?' type comments like:

 

me: "i always assumed that you going to college was a major problem even though we never talked about it"

her: "honestly that hadn't even crossed my mind when i decided things weren't working"

 

"i guess i realized that while i loved you, i wasn't IN love with you and that you were too nice of a guy for me to fake it with" (which by the way isn't totally true since we had a good three months of 'faking it' at the end of our relationship before i finally killed things 'officially')

 

 

ok...that wasn't short at all (and i give credit to anyone with enough patience to sit through all that and all the run-on sentences...) and yet somehow i've left out all kinds of details that are pretty key to the story (mostly about the differences between me and this guy, and the ways we treated her...lets just say completely opposite) i know she's really broken up about this, which i understand, and i know she's still in love with the guy, which i sortof understand, and i also know that she knows there is no way she can go back there (before she met him she was a very strong independant 'take no crap' girl and while he kinda knocked that out of her i think she's starting to rebuild that)

 

i guess there are three possibilities of what she's doing, the truth probably being that shes somewhere in between two of them:

 

- she just back here, is lonely, and wants someone to hang out with

- she knows that im the type that will always listen and always be there for anyone that asks me to and is kinda using me as a 'therapist' or a shoulder to cry on

- she has had a sudden revelation about who i am and wants to give things another chance

 

 

i don't expect her to be sure, and once again i totally understand if she's confused beyond belief but here's my issue...if i continue hanging out with her and having a great time i don't think i can avoid having old feelings for her resurface

 

lets just say as much as i want to be there for her as a friend im not at a point in my life where i can handle (or risk handling) anymore feelings answered with some sort of 'you're a great guy and a great friend but...' crap

[StartingAgain]

Your first two suppositions are correct. You're the home town boy, with whom she had had a high schol relationship. She realized that you loved her, but she didn't feel the same about you. So she did the right thing and ended the relationship. she was going off to school and knew that the two of you would be living very different lives. That she had a love affair and lived with a guy from school is not really important other than the relationship didn't go well and she wanted a friends ear so she could talk it out.

 

Sounds like she was being totally honest with you, while you were playing a little game and sending her mixed signals. You wrote:

 

"i said i'd call sometime, and didn't (i assumed i was dropping a fairly obvious hint that i had no interest in bringing her back into my life as a friend)...but she called me, i happened to be in a good mood, and we had the coffee

 

That's not dropping an obvious hint. That's called lying. It's saying you will do something and then not doing it. Doing one of the things that really pisses women off. If really wanted nothing further to do with her, why didn't you just tell her so? It sounds to me as if your break-up had more of an effect on you than you know and you haven't been handling it well. You say that you went through a period where you felt cynical about yourself and the way you handle relationships. Sounds like you still have a lot to learn.

 

She doesn't sound confused. You say she is maintaining a physical and emotional distance. This is exactly what a woman who wants to have a male friend should do: establish boundries and not cross them. You are the one who sounds confused. You say that you want to be a friend, but you don't want to hear any of that "'you're a great guy and a great friend but...' crap." So what do you want from her? Booty?

[breakfastafter10]

i have decided that i dont know what i want from her, i only know what i DON'T want, and that is to have old feelings resurface only to have this end poorly...i can't help but wonder if im reading too far into her reminiscing on the good times we had when dating, or the way she seems to contrast every bad thing she says about this guy with a 'you were never like that' (note that i said she was emotionally distant at times, but it seems almost...inconsistant)

 

this is my dilemma, is it ok to turn someone away because I can't risk the fallout from it? my gut instinct is that its a very selfish thing to do...basically to let me own problems and insecurities get the best of me (ironically enough problem 1 has a lot to do with avoiding my own problems and letting everyone else dump theirs on me)

 

but deeper beyond that is the fact that i probably do have some desire to restart things with her (even if i won't fully admit it to myself) so then it becomes 'is it ok to give up something potentially positive because i'm too screwed up to handle the possible negative?

 

and i know this doesn't make any sense, and i know that beyond a 'yes' or 'no' there's probably not much in the way of a good answer anyone else in the world can give me because in the end these are things i have to decide for myself, and verbalizing it is one of the ways i do this...

 

(and to the person who did take the time to respond...thank you, that being said im not going to defend against any of the little cheap shots, except to say that you should probably ditch the judgemental male stereotyping best expressed (though there were other far more subtle examples) in your final suggestion that i might be only interested in 'booty' despite the fact that i didn't even approach the topic of sex once...advice isn't helpful if you fill holes in the story with your own prejudices)

[StartingAgain]

Look, my friend, I'm old enough to be your father. I've been where you are and made many of the same mistakes you are making. I wasn't taking any cheap shots against which you would need to defend yourself. Nor did use any stereotypes. I addressed *your* behavior directly.

 

You admit a second time that you dont know what you want from her. That's understandable. You may still love this woman and don't want to risk being hurt again. I'm only suggesting that until you do know what you want from her: friendship, a romantic relationship, sex, or nothing, that you back off from her, don't send her mixed signals and don't play any games with her. I made the "booty" comment for a very specific reason: to jolt you and make you think a bit more. It seems to have worked. And, young males, inexperienced in affairs of the heart do often confuse lust with love. That's not a stereotype; that's a fact of life.

 

OK, so my post made you a little pissy. That's alright as long as you are also thinking about not only what is right for you, but also what is right for her. Some people can't have a platonic friendship with a former lover. Most people can't do it until the relationship has been over for quite some time and they have moved on with their lives. You ask if deciding not to pursue a friendship with this woman because you fear the fall out is alright. Of course it is. Is it selfish as you suggest? Yes, it is. BUT ... I'm not sure where the idea came from that one is never allowed to be selfish. Sometimes being selfish is required. This is one of those times for you. You don't owe this woman anything beyond honesty, integrity and respect.

 

One final thing. You said the original relationship lasted eight months. That may seem significant to you now, but later on you'll look back and see that this was a very short relationship. I short affair gone bad has you reeling in confusion. Imangine what if must be like to be married for 7, 10, or 15 years and have the marriage fail? I mention this only because the marital relationsip is very different from the BF/GF relationship. It's a much more difficult relationship and the bond between a husband and wife runs very deep. This is why even a "friendly divorce" is emotionally devastating. For this reason, learn the lessons you are now learning well. Choose wisely and marry only when you are absolutley certain that both you and she are ready. Because, you see, once you are married, you can never be selfish again.