From Another Planet

[ash11ae]

In high school, a teacher whom I was very close to assigned me a speech prompt that inquired as to which was more valuable in life - being an "amazing" person or being a "kind" person. He gave it to me because he knew what my answer would be - that the ability to treat people with kindness was of far greater merit than any other skill or talent.

 

I find that this makes it difficult for me to fit in with other people, though.

 

I feel like I'm the only person I know who actually cares about people for who they are and not just what they can do for me. Like I'm the only one who finds it incredibly easy to treat people with respect and kindness. Like I'm the only one born with the ability to tell the truth.

 

I do so much for other people all the time. I almost never say no when someone asks for a favour or needs help, whether it be going over to my elderly neighbour's house everyday to help her after she suffered a car accident, or supporting a friend in her legal pursuit against her stalker ex-boyfriend (for whom she dumped me after saying a lot of mean things both to my face and behind my back), or stepping in to cover for people at my old job even though it stresses me out so much, or trying to be there for my ex-boyfriend during the anniversary of his son's death and his lonely hours and life struggles (despite his constant betrayals), or constantly calling and trying to make plans with a friend whose mom died, even though he flakes out on me every single time.

 

People act like I expect too much from them or something. All I expect is to be treated the same way that I treat others - with compassion and consideration. Is that really so unrealistic?

 

I've had a difficult time maintaining relationships with several people lately. It doesn't seem like such a coincidence that most of these people are all friends with each other (birds of a feather flock together).

 

But it makes me feel like a freak, like there is something wrong with me or I'm some kind of horrible person that no one wants to stick around for very long. I just don't understand what is so bad about me; I never lie to anyone, I never abandon anyone, or deliberately hurt anyone, or talk badly about anyone. I stand up for others when they're mistreated, though no one ever stands up for me; I give everything that I can to anyone that I can and I'm always trying to make other people happy.

 

But as a result, I am left in the dust, not very happy at all. People take and take and then when I finally ask them to give something back, they bail.

 

Do I really need to fix myself, or am I just completely unable to adapt to what I guess is "normal" human behaviour?

[Edition]

I can say...the world needs more people with the qualities that you have. I think what may be causing the disconnect with you is that you have too many people in your life that see you as an "easy target", or in other words, you are easy to take advantage of because of your kind nature. It's pretty sad, but a lot of people will use it to their own benefit, as you have experienced, and it's not fun.

 

When someone asks you for a favor or wants to spend time with you, you need to be able to discern their intention. That doesn't mean to interrogate them or act weird around them, but afterward you should be able to read them well enough to know if they just want something or if their interaction is genuine. You need to communicate that while you are kind, you aren't a pushover, and you will find that people will respect you more when you stand your ground against attempts to take advantage of you. Try asking more favors from your friends and show them that it takes two people to maintain a friendship.

 

If people are blowing you off when you are trying to do something, you need to drop it! It may not be in your immediate nature, but in those cases you have to demand respect by first giving it, and then not tolerating disrespect. People will start to get the message and I promise that if you remain consistent, people will come and go and the end result will always be positive.

[ash11ae]

To TheHumbler, I never claimed to be the only decent person in the world, and I'm not patting myself on the back, which is why I asked for help wondering if there is something wrong with me. But thank you for your "constructive" criticism.

 

Edition, that is what worries me - that I am an easy target. And also that I'm unable to tell when someone is trying to hurt me. I can spot a good person very easily; but I'm not so good at realizing when someone is selfish.

 

One of the biggest relationship fallouts I've had lately was with my best friend last year. We were close for over a year and did many things together. I even went with her up north to visit her family for a week, and I introduced her to some of my own connections who took her out boating, hiking through swamps after hours with a special pass, and volunteering with exotic animals. I supported her through every relationship she went through in that year, mostly the one with a real jerk who didn't love her, and while I supported her through that, I also told her she deserved better. Then last year I started dating a friend of hers, and she started distancing herself from me. Her boyfriend broke up with her the day before her birthday, so I took her out to dinner, brought her flowers, baked her a cake I decorated myself... I really loved her as a person and wanted to do what I could to make her happy.

 

As our relationship drifted, I kept e-mailing her over and over, trying to fix things, but every time I was met with some form of hostility or blame. And still I'd give her her space, then come back around again. One of the last times I came around, she informed me late one night that she was dating a friend of mine. Within 5 minutes of her telling me, the friend of mine asked me if I could pet-sit for him. I figured out they were going away together that weekend, though neither of them mentioned it. I'd been pet-sitting for this friend for two years and my best friend knew how much he took advantage of me and how much I hated it. She always told me I should turn him down. But when she was dating him, and I told her that I felt taken advantage of and I didn't want to pet-sit for them to go away together all the time while I got ditched, she told me that they were "doing me a favour" and then went off at me like I was some kind of horrible, selfish person. We cut ties then, but a few months later, I heard that this friend (who I thankfully cut ties with also) turned out to be completely psychotic and was stalking and harassing her. I reached out to her yet again, trying to be there for her; even put her in touch with someone I knew could help her. She was so thankful. Then a week later, she started getting in cahoots with this woman who'd been stalking and harassing me since the death of my boyfriend... and once the two of them became friends, suddenly I was being lambasted on the internet for my physical looks, my mental stability, my living conditions... you name it.

 

What's worse is, this WAS my own fault: I'd known of my best friend before we became friends. She had met me a couple times, and she and this same previously mentioned woman had posted pictures on the internet making fun of me and my boyfriend. When we got in touch after she and this girl split ties, I believed her when she pretended to be the victim of a bad influence... but I guess I ignored the signs that that juvenile mean girl was in there all along, because it was convenient for me to believe that I had a good friend...

[ash11ae]

I also know that one of my problems in the aforementioned situation was the inability to let go, as you said. I should have dropped this friend when it was obvious she wasn't interested anymore, but I just kept trying and inevitably was hurt even worse than if I'd just let her go.

 

The other thing that worries me... is that I can feel these things breaking me.

 

I used to be known as such a happy, carefree person. And I'm still a very fun and happy person to be around with people I care for. I just feel like I'm having a harder time at maintaining that, I guess.

 

As my best friend and I drifted apart, I started getting really bummed, especially considering it happened at a bad time in my life - the anniversary of my boyfriend dying, my departure from a job, the beginning of another chapter in my life where I didn't know what I was doing. That sadness seeped into every crack. My relationship with my boyfriend fell apart, and I started distancing myself even more. My boyfriend and I still had feelings for each other, but it was impossible for us to have any kind of relationship with all that had happened (especially as he was friends with my friend, and was in the middle of the whole thing). He moved away this year, and has started dating another woman (though he lied to me about it for months and pretended to still be in love with me).

 

I know why he loves this girl; she calls him and they talk on the phone for an hour about everything and nothing, and she has this adorable uppity chipmunk voice that always sounds like it's happy to hear your voice. She makes him happy. And for so long now that we've been talking, we've had to talk about how to "fix" things. It's depressing.

 

So on the one hand, I know that I am wrong because I am less pleasant than this other girl and less appealing to talk to for that reason; but on the other hand, I kind of don't stand a chance because he's made it so hard for me to behave that way also.

 

It's so frustrating and I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. Am I just a bad judge of character? I want to accept my responsibilities in the faults of these relationships too, and I've apologized for everything I've felt I've done wrong, but I kind of feel like I can't win for losing.