Need a release

[ash11ae]

I'm 24 years old and I've only ever slept with two people in my entire life.

 

The first was my boyfriend of almost two-years. We dated on and off for 10 months before I finally slept with him (though we did other things long before that). And we had a great sex life - very active, very passionate and exciting.

 

22 months after he died, I started dating someone. I hadn't been with anyone else except for a little inappropriate touching on behalf of my best friend's brother twice. I jumped into bed with him... Though most of the physical contact was initiated by me, he sealed the deal without me realizing what he was doing, and by then it kind of felt like it was too late. We dated for several months after that, and had a good sex life once I realized I could enjoy doing it with someone else besides my late boyfriend. I did, however, have a few traumatic instances where I would break down and cry during and want him to stop touching me.

 

We broke up last June. We stayed friends and expressed love for each other up until just recently. In December he said goodbye to me as he was moving 3,500 miles away. We kissed and held each other and it was very nice. But since then he's been dating another woman, and lying to me about it, all while trying to convince me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I found out they slept together, and it is killing me. He is in love with her, and not me. And that hurts. But what also hurts is that he is now the only living person in the world I've had sex with... I gave up my first love being my last to sleep with him, and now he's my last, and I'm not even his last because he's done it wtih this other girl... I haven't had sex in a year, and in 3 years, he's been the only one.

 

I find myself wanting to sleep with someone else just to purge him from my heart and my body. I feel like if he gets to feel pleasure and love from another person, why shouldn't I? The difference is, he and that person love each other; and I love him, but he doesn't love me, and nobody else loves me that way.

 

There are at least four guys I could sleep with right now if I wanted to - 2 of them very close friends of mine. I want so badly to feel close to a man again. But I'm scared of how I will feel if I actually go through with it and sleep with someone. I'm worried I will only feel worse, ashamed, and regret it afterwards, or develop yet another unhealthy attachment to someone who won't reciprocate.

 

What do I do?

[pteromom]

I find myself wanting to sleep with someone else just to purge him from my heart and my body. I feel like if he gets to feel pleasure and love from another person, why shouldn't I?

 

The thing is - he won't know about your 'revenge'. It won't hurt HIM. It will only hurt YOU if it goes badly.

 

There are at least four guys I could sleep with right now if I wanted to - 2 of them very close friends of mine.

 

I would not sleep with a close friend if you want to keep him as a close friend.

 

But I'm scared of how I will feel if I actually go through with it and sleep with someone. I'm worried I will only feel worse, ashamed, and regret it afterwards, or develop yet another unhealthy attachment to someone who won't reciprocate.

 

I would only have sex if you can do it with someone knowing it is ONLY SEX and being completely OK with it not leading to a relationship. If you go into it hoping it turns into more than sex, you are setting yourself up to be hurt.

 

Instead of focusing on love/sex, why not find another way to purge him from your heart? Volunteer somewhere. Get involved in a new hobby. Get with a friend and make a challenge to visit every bar/club in your city in the next 30 days. Whatever excites you.

 

I know you feel lonely, but given your history and where you are emotionally, I don't think a night of sex is going to help you.

[ash11ae]

I'm not even really trying to hurt my ex-boyfriend by sleeping with someone else... At this point I don't really think he would care very much. I just want to have the same right and privilege he does. I want to feel close to someone again. I want to feel good physically. If I am not his last then I don't want him to be my last either...

 

I have no intention of sleeping with either of my close friends; one of them has had feelings for me for years and I don't want to mess up our friendship or screw him up either. The other has a history.

 

I've never had "only sex" before; it's always only been with someone I've loved and been in a relationship with. So I'm really not sure that I can detach. While I wouldn't go into it expecting a relationship, I think the act of just sleeping with someone would create an attachment that might affect me emotionally regardless of my intentions.

 

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to find a healthy outlet for these feelings I'm having. I just don't know what that is yet.

[oldshirt]

Believe it or not your feelings of wanting to be with someone have absolutely NOTHING to do with your ex.

 

You want to be with someone and want to be close to someone and have intimacy and passion with them and want to be in a mutually supportive and healthy relationship with someone because that's what we are all hardwired to want and we all deserve to have that.

 

In other words it is just plain normal and healthy to want to bond with someone and be in a warm, loving, affectionate, intimate and passionate relationship with them.

 

There is nothing wierd, unique, strange or dysfunctional here. You are a single woman and you want a deserve a boyfriend and be in a loving and mutually supportive relationship.

 

There is also no unigue "cure" for this situation since there is no disease process taking place here. Simply do what single women on the dating market do and start getting out there doing fun things with fun people and meet get to know potential suitors and let nature take it's course.

 

Tell your friends and family and coworkers etc that you want to get back on the dating market and let them advocate for you and assist you in finding potential men of quality (ie 'set you up')

 

Go out with groups of friends and have fun and meet people. Engage in a hobby that you enjoy and meet people that enjoy the same thing. Become involved in church or community activities and meet people with the same values and mores.

 

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.

 

It's tragic that your first love died and it's always painfull to go through break ups and be cheated on etc but that is life and it's something that everyone goes through.....often multiple times, but it's something we all survive and get past.

 

IMHO you are putting a little too much emphasis on your past bed-partners. Put your time and energy into just getting out and making human connections with people and in a very short period of time you will meet someone special where you both click and when that happens you basically hit the "RESET" button and then the only thing that matters is not the past but your new future.

 

You seem like a nice person and I am sorry that you went through the death of your first love but love is a very renewable and recycleable resource. We are all simply hardwired to be loving beings and when one love leaves us we grieve and feel pain but then we heal and grow new love.

 

Let yourself heal and grow new love. It's what people do.

[oldshirt]

 

I know I need to find a healthy outlet for these feelings I'm having. I just don't know what that is yet.

 

If you were to tell your grandmother that you were having feelings and asked her what a healthy outlet for them would be, what do you think she would tell you?

 

She would tell you to get out, meet some nice quality men, go on dates, find someone special and have a healthy and mutually supportive relationship and live happily ever after.

 

It's what we all want and what we all deserve. There's no reason not to pursue it.