beyondweb Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Sorry this post is so long. My boyfriend cheated on me by emailing another girl for sex after 2 months of dating. It never went beyond email but it devastated me. He swore he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. We stayed together. But, it did happen again just weeks later and I forgave him again but a few days later, I realized that I needed to move on and I ended the relationship. He reinitiated contact with me and begged for a 2nd chance. Two weeks later, we were back together. I tried to set guidelines, but I think it might have been too much and too vague. Now, it's 8 months later and I have repeatedly told him that I will leave whenever we argue because he didn’t do something on “The List.” During the argument, he says he’s sorry, promises to do these things and then I tell him I’ll stay. I realize now that it’s quite manipulative and that my threats of leaving are damaging the relationship further. These arguments take a lot of energy and are at least 3 hours long and have occurred maybe 10 times now. He's been open about his schedule and phone calls and has been faithful to me. I think I'm feeling sad and hurt and revengeful over what happened 9 months ago and I hang it over his head. The List: -Don't assume the negative. -Be attentive when I'm crying at night: turn on the light, face me and sit up -Read about relationships and communication and being positive -Initiate talks about our relationship on Sundays -Don't let me cry or be sad for days and days. Do something about it. Don't look past me and ignore me. -Talk to me; don't be silent. -Don't have an attitude -Always be honest Is my list just totally ridiculous? Is it asking too much considering his past infidelity? Am I being too sensitive when I get upset when he forgets or am I justified? I know getting upset is damaging the relationship, but if I'm seeing things right and it's justified, then maybe I should leave...? However, I’d rather take steps to reconstruct this relationship. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Caveman Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Is he allowed to masturbate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondweb Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 Ok, ok. =oP But, please explain a little more about what you mean. I'm really clueless on this one and all the relationship books have me confused. I love him and he says he loves me. I want to get this relationship back on track! Link to post Share on other sites
Caveman Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 If you can't forgive him and trust him again, you are doomed. You have to let what happened go or let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Caveman, what an appropriate username..... "Is he allowed?" How could he not be allowed? With a codpiece equipped with lock and key? Some sort of male Chastity belt? No, only Lorena Bobbit had the solution. At any rate, beyond, I do not feel your little list is "asking too much." Just make a large poster and put it up over the bed. I think I'm feeling sad and hurt and revengeful over what happened 9 months ago and I hang it over his head. If true, then you'd better take a chill pill. Many would happily precribe something for what they would call OCD: Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. Website abound for the subject. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondweb Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 So, how should I react when he forgets something on the list that most likely is my interpretation of him forgetting something? Do I need to relax on this and chuck the whole list? Any thoughts? In regards to OCD, it doesn't really apply. It's fairly common for hurt and pain to pop up months and even years later re: infidelity. I don't intentionally hang it over his head but at least I'm realizing it now for what it is. Initially, I didn't know where all my aggression towards him was coming from. I thought it was because he kept "messing up" and forgetting the list but I see that it I... 1) need to get over what happened or 2) leave. (Thanks Caveman) People with experience beats a book written by a Phd any day! Feel free to be blunt. I need to check my perspective cause I'm way too deep in this and can't be objective. All I know is I love him and don't want to leave so I need to take the initiative to make it better. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 No offence meant but yes, the list is ridiculous. What you stated in the list are generally very good points that should be followed by *both* partners in a relationship....but putting them on a list and ask your bf to stick to them literally is *extremely*controlling. It is a good thing that you realized that your threats are manipulative. I can understand how you feel (I'd have very similar reactions in the same situation) but you absolutely need to let go of all the anger and resentment. You forgave him and took him back. Now you can't spend the rest of your time together hurting him, nagging him, upsetting at him for something that happened 8 months ago. Get counselling if needed. Or break up and start it all over again with a new guy. You can't make him pay for the cheating for the rest of his life. It is very distructive behaviour. He has changed, he is being honest, he is behaving well, so give him a break. he showed you he really cares about you (he would have dumped you before otherwise) , now let him breathe some air. And start treating him the way you expect him to treat you Link to post Share on other sites
julsfla Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Wow, yes I agree "the list' may be a bit extreme. I can not decide if it is too detailed or too vague ) I know how hard it can be to be with someone who has been unfaithful, I am dealing with it right now except my husband went further than just talking online to someone. He actually cheated. It is a real hard pill to swallow, but you really need to get yourself under control here. This list is in theory a great idea, but it is really a lot to remember, unless he keeps a copy in his wallet. How is your communication with one another? It is really important to have an open line of communication to begin the healing process. I also stayed with my man, and while I did not give a detailed list, I let him know that if he really wanted to work through this, he was the only one who could get me through it, and only with his support and patience would I be able to get past the deception. Now, if he is expected to follow this list, what is required of you? Even though he strayed, it will take BOTH of you to fix this. As for my situation, we are both required to be honest, no matter how it may hurt the other, and we both are committed to knowing what the other is lacking in the relationship. We both realize our marriage was not even close to being perfect and even though he was the one who made the mistake, it will take us both of us to fix it. ( b/c if it was not broke, he would have stayed faithful) We also are seeing a great therapist and I highly recommend it. I had to decide if it was worth the work on both sides of this. I dont think you will get anywhere dictating to him what he has to do and when. He will only resent you for it, nor should he "pay for his mistake" forever. It may help him to see you are starting to let some of it go. I have to say this, you really need to begin to let this go. I think it says a lot that he is still there willing to try. That has to say something. Link to post Share on other sites
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