heartbrokenNY Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Hi everyone. My name is Carol and I am so glad I found this forum. My story is kind of long so please bear with me. Me and my husband have been married for 12 years, dated for 1 year before that and best friends for 2 years before that. All in all he has been in life for 16 years. We have 2 sons ages 11 and 8. Our marriage was never terrible although at times it was not the greatest but the love was always there and we always got through hard times because of our love for each other. He was not a cheater nor was I. We were completely commited to each other for 12 years. We have been living in my moms house for the past 10 years due to money problems but now he has a good paying stable job and we have been saving up to get our own place. On April 12, (my birthday) out of nowhere he said he was moving out alone, he needed to be free. Something was missing in his life and he will always love me but he needs some space. I was shocked, dumbfounded and my heart was ripped apart. To make a long story short he got himself an apartment but came back 4 days later and told me he realizes he could never live without me and that he was so sorry and he will never love or want to be with anyone else but me. So considering he had never left before I figured he just went through some kind of mid-life crisis ir something(even though hes only 35)so I took him back. I couldnt move in the apartment right away because the kids had to finish school here first but as soon as school was over we would all move in with him. The months of april, may and some of June were great! Our relationship was the best it ever was. We laughed all the time, did things together, enjoyed our time together, went away for weekends, it was just great! Then one day we had plans to go out to dinner alone and then pick up the kids and go back to the apartment for the weekend. Well he called me about 1pm screaming that he had just gambled his whole paycheck(he was a bigtime gambler at one time but was clean at this point for 8 months), he was a loser and cancel the dinner plans, cancel the weekend, he was sorry he would talk to me later and he hung up. I left him alone for a few hours then started getting worried, I called him all night Friday and all day and night Saturday, he did not pick up the phone to me. Finally on Sunday he called me and gave me the whole "need to be free" speech again. Once again I was shocked and beyond hurt! I couldnt understand why after the great 2 months we had together. Well after 2 weeks he came back again but this time he had alot of confessions to make to me and didnt think I could ever forgive him. He had went to one of those online dating services and met someone and they been hanging out the past week and they got really close and yes they had sex! He was crying and telling me he was so sorry, it was a mistake, he didnt feel anything for her, he went crazy the past 2 weeks, wasnt himself bla bla bla. He loves me and only me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Well like a fool I forgave him but I told him It will take a long long time for me to get over this and we both agreed to marriage counseling. I told him I dont know if I will ever be able to trust him again after this. Okay so we spend the next 4 days together then he drives me back to my moms on a Sunday night and goes to work(or so I thought) he calls me from "work" tells me to give him a call when I go to sleep. Well his phone hit redial in his pocket and imagine my surprise when i picked up the phone and heard him talking to the girl!!! He was at her house! Well I flipped out! he came to me the next morning begging for me to not give up on our marriage, he only went there to give her back something and he didnt love her, he loved me. I told him I couldnt take it anymore, told him to go take the time he needs to find himself because he obviously does not know what the heck he wants in life. He agreed. Comes back the following morning to tell me he doesnt need any time, he needs me, he loves me, cant live without me, please give this marriage another chance. He promised to never leave again and never hurt me again. I asked him over and over if he was 100% sure because my mind and heart could not take it anymore. He swore yes! We went back to the apartment that night and everything was great of course. The next morning I felt him distancing himself from me yet again. I went nuts, I said it cant be he is doing this to me again, it just cant be. Well he did and he pulled the same **** again. I dont know whats wrong with me, when I am not with you I want to be with you so much it hurts then when I am with you I cant handle the stress of you and the kids and I want to run! Its not fair to do this to you, you deserve better, I'm better off alone. I need to find myself. That was Wednesday. I spoke to him a few times since then but only about the kids. I told him I will not take him back again never. And I wont, the hurt and pain he caused me is more than anything I could have imagined and I will not take him back unless he seeks therapy and proves to me for a very very long time that he truly loves me. My heart is broken and I am so confused as to how a man can change his feelings from one day to the next. I have a feeling that girl is still in the picture and maybe he is confused about his feelings for her. This is all so hard for me becaue he is not the man I married anymore, he changed so much its scary. He was always so dedicated and devoted to me for all these years. What the hell could have happened? Sorry this is so long but I had to get my whole story out so you would understand exactly what happened and maybe give me your thoughts and advice on this. Thanks to all that actually read the whole thing. lol Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 This is all so hard for me becaue he is not the man I married anymore, he changed so much its scary. He was always so dedicated and devoted to me for all these years. What the hell could have happened? The conventional wisdom is that if a person changes dramatically, suspect illness. Could be mental or physical. His behaviour is, to put it mildly, erratic. Even if you have washed him out of your life, I'd try to urge him to get a checkup and possibly a psych assessment. Something is definitely up. People don't just all of a sudden go nutso like that without something being behind it. It is important to find out what, particularly because you have kids and so he'll never be gone completely from your life or theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokenNY Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 I agree with you completely. The man definately needs some help! I have been telling him that for some time now. Thanks for reading my story and for your response. Link to post Share on other sites
seahorse Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 What a story. It's hard to believe that your husband can be that mixed up. As the previous posters have said, it sounds like he is going through some sort of mental problem at the moment. Your are extremely patient and understanding to have taken him back those times that you did. However, you are also doing the right thing in telling him that you have had enough! It is not fair on you to have this constant battle with your emotions. He needs to go and get some therapy, sort himself out. Do whatever he needs to do. If he was my husband, I could never trust him again, so even if he does get better/recover I would steer clear. Not easy to do I know. You obviously love him a great deal. Good luck, Seahorse Link to post Share on other sites
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