tuplehocken Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 My dad used to beat up my mom. She left him and raised my brother and me on her own as a single parent. My dad has made six figures for most of his life but got away with paying less than 800 a month in child support after lying to the court about his income. He married a woman half his age and they have two children together whom he spoils while he didn't do anything for my brother and me. Even now, my brother and I rarely speak to him. My brother has pretty much cut him out of his life and hates him even more than I do. I am working as a resident making 40k a year after finishing medical school with almost 200k in loans. My dad hasn't given me any money whatsoever for over 7 years. How do I get over hating him? Right now I hate him so much that I am not inviting him to my wedding, which he's not contributing a dime to. My fiance's family is paying for the wedding, not him. I really do not want to invite him. Should I listen to my gut and not do it? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Don't invite him. You'd hate yourself if you did. It is perfectly legitimate not to invite him. Especially if he'd insist on walking you down the aisle. Perhaps, ask your brother to walk you down the aisle? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuplehocken Posted May 27, 2012 Author Share Posted May 27, 2012 Don't invite him. You'd hate yourself if you did. It is perfectly legitimate not to invite him. Especially if he'd insist on walking you down the aisle. Perhaps, ask your brother to walk you down the aisle? What bugs me is that mom has forgiven him and has made amends. She's telling me to find peace with him, for my and my brother's sake. I still hate him though and am finding it hard to make peace. I'm not planning on asking him to walk me down the aisle. He's not even contributing a dime to it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 He is not your dad. He is your father. A dad actually cares about his child. He does not. You have no obligation to make amends to that kind of person - if you don't want to, that is enough grounds not to make amends, no matter what your brother and mother feel about it. And certainly you don't have to beg for crumbs, from such a man. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Weddings are already stressful as it is without additional family drama. I think the main question you need to ask yourself is, "do you actually want him there?" If you don't, then don't invite him out of obligation and because you're getting pressure from your mom - it's not her wedding day. Ideally, you need people there who will support you and behave themselves. If he can't do either of those, then perhaps it's probably best that he isn't invited. On the other hand, perhaps this is an opportunity to open some dialogue and start repairing some bridges. In which case, it might be worth reaching out to him just to talk and see if there is anything salvageable. However, I would advice not mentioning the wedding just yet, unless you are sure that you are going to invite him. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 You sound like you have the same situation I did. My dad bragged about making 1.1 mil in 11 years, so about 100k a year, (Hubby overheard this) and forced me to work at 16 and barely paid for a roof over my head when I was a minor. I received crappy dental work and ortho work (need braces for a second time now and had to replace all my old fillings with my own money). He also didn't help me with a dime for college, rent or my wedding when I moved out at 18. He still talks about disagreeing with me getting married at 19...4 years later. I have credit card, student loan and health bills debt at 23 and I still hear him brag about how he's making good money again and wants to go to all these foreign countries and pick up women half his age. He's been treating me ok these past few years, but makes it known he just tolerates my husband. I keep our visits limited and I do regret inviting him to my wedding (although I did have my stepdad walk me down the aisle). Him and my brother split before we cut the cake. My dad most likely won't be invited to our renewal. Don't invite him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 My dad used to beat up my mom. She left him and raised my brother and me on her own as a single parent. My dad has made six figures for most of his life but got away with paying less than 800 a month in child support after lying to the court about his income. He married a woman half his age and they have two children together whom he spoils while he didn't do anything for my brother and me. Even now, my brother and I rarely speak to him. My brother has pretty much cut him out of his life and hates him even more than I do. I am working as a resident making 40k a year after finishing medical school with almost 200k in loans. My dad hasn't given me any money whatsoever for over 7 years. How do I get over hating him? Right now I hate him so much that I am not inviting him to my wedding, which he's not contributing a dime to. My fiance's family is paying for the wedding, not him. I really do not want to invite him. Should I listen to my gut and not do it? You are not obligated to invite him to your wedding because he is your father. Seems he was only that in name, not in actions. Don't feel bad about it. This is YOUR special day. To be honest, he doesn't deserve to walk you down the isle.. He's been a real crappy father to you in so many ways and let you down. Listen to your gut and don't feel guilty about this decision either. Hope this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 What bugs me is that mom has forgiven him and has made amends. She's telling me to find peace with him, for my and my brother's sake. I still hate him though and am finding it hard to make peace. I'm not planning on asking him to walk me down the aisle. He's not even contributing a dime to it anyway. This decision isn't up to your mom. Good for her that she's forgiven him. You haven't. Maybe you will one day in the future, maybe you won't..She has no right to force you or guilt you into inviting him to YOUR wedding. People need to respect your wishes and understand that you don't want him there. Not inviting him will either hurt him deeply and he will reach out to you, talk to you and do everything possible to apologize and make up for lost time and being a crappy father to you..If that happens, then you can rebuild a relationship with him as time goes on. He needs to prove to you that he is worthy of a chance. Seems like he isn't (unless he's reached out to you over and over again and you've just closed the door). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 What bugs me is that mom has forgiven him and has made amends. She's telling me to find peace with him, for my and my brother's sake. I still hate him though and am finding it hard to make peace. I'm not planning on asking him to walk me down the aisle. He's not even contributing a dime to it anyway. Your mom probably forgave him not for himself, but for herself. Hatred and love are 2 faces of the same coin, for either you have to give a damn about the other person. Not caring if they exist is a much worse thing you can do to them, and a much better thing you can do to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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