wmrjw82 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 There is alot that goes with this incident so I want to share some backstory, it's kinda long but important to know the story.... So I have my son every other week. I went thru a custody battle to get that much time w/ my son. Things are rocky w/ the baby mama but lately have been alot better than they used to be. Basically the backstory is, she was pregnant and we were engaged...things were rocky... and she started talking to a guy at work who started acting like superman. He snaked his way into the situation and she ended up leaving me for him. After a 16 month custody battle I now get my son every other week. In that time, she has married this guy and taught my son to call him daddy. To say I dont like this guy is a pretty good assumption. But I try to take the higher road for my son's sake as much as possible. Well, on Friday due to the Memorial day holiday my son's mother got him. Normally this would be my weekend to have him but due to the holiday schedule it overrides normal parenting time. Per our custody agreement, I am to return my son to his mom at 6pm. Verbatim, "the noncustodial parent shall return the child to the custodial parent at the end of each time period". At noon during my lunch I go to see my child at my folk's house (they do daycare on Fridays for him). My mom tells me that baby mama was planning on having her husband pick up my son from my parent's house at 5:30. I immediately contacted her via phone and said per custody agreement I get him until 6. She said that's fine but I would have to return my son to her husband at 6pm since she was working. I told her this wasn't going to happen as per the custody agreement i'm to return my son to her. Well she goes off and starts threatening to take me back to court. (I have two voicemails saved where she is stating this) This really ticks me off because also in our custody agreement it states that if there is a disagreement we are to go thru mediation before any legal action is taken. I tell her I can do her a favor and drop my son off at my parent's house at 6pm and her husband is welcome to pick him up there after i'm gone. The point is i'm not handing my son over to this snake. I dont know him nor do I trust him. She finally agrees to that. I get there at 6pm and he's waiting there in my parent's driveway. This really bothers me as the point of this is to drop him off at my parent's house to them. Well, I get out of my truck to take my son inside and her husband gets out of his vehicle. Hoping to avoid any altercation in front of my son, I tell him to stay in his car. He doesn't listen and gets in my face. I ask him a second time to get in his vehicle. (Keep in mind i'm holding my son in my arms).. he tells me "i'll stay right here"... in a final effort to avoid any altercation I tell him my son's mother can pick him up from me when she gets off work. As i'm walking away with my son, he says fine "well just take you to court"... this is where I made my mistake, I was just tired of the court threats all day by both parties and I just wanted my son out of that situation... on top of this I obviously do not like this guy whatsoever. I tell him "whatever fata**" (he's of the larger variety) and he goes, "can you say that a little louder i'm recording this whole thing... and right in front of ____ (my son)" I take my son out of the situation and his mom comes to my door at 7pm to pick my son up. Her husband is with her and hiding off to the side with a recorder to try and get more stuff on me. Again, all right in front of my son. This time I continue to take the high road and give my son to his mom and tell him I love him and i'll see him soon. Im ashamed that i let this guy get to me and am nervous this will be used against me in court. I just want to avoid all situations like this and I feel iam following the court order to a "T". I plan on making the effort on Tuesday of contacting a mediator to try and resolve the situation in a sit down (which is also what we're supposed to do per the court order) but I fear she will use this incident against me to take my son away. I know she wants to replace me and wants me out of the picture badly. I'm holding off on talking to my lawyer as i've already spent near 15K on the case and I still owe him a balance. Id rather not add to the pile unless absolutely necesarry. I would just like some feedback I guess here... do you think she has grounds to take away my son? I did swear in front of him which I really regret right now but I feel as though I was goated into the situation and I tried walking away. I should have just keep my mouth shut so they didn't have any ammo on me.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I hardly think that this is a cause to "take away your son" Some courts will allow for makeup time but if she worked, could not pick him up prior to 7 it's on her clock. Try to get beyond the intimidation. Courts remand to mediators to avoid ridiculousness between warring parents. What a stressful exchange. How long until she has another baby?
Author wmrjw82 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) I hardly think that this is a cause to "take away your son" Some courts will allow for makeup time but if she worked, could not pick him up prior to 7 it's on her clock. Try to get beyond the intimidation. Courts remand to mediators to avoid ridiculousness between warring parents. What a stressful exchange. How long until she has another baby? Thanks for the response. Do you guys think I should make the effort to go ahead and contact a mediator? I believe if it ever went to court atleast it shows good faith that I attempted to resolve the situation outside of the courtroom. And you're right... this intimidation effort has definitely worked on me. He is my whole world. I don't want to lose him. I'm also curious as to why you ask how long until she has another baby? Edited May 27, 2012 by wmrjw82
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the response. Do you guys think I should make the effort to go ahead and contact a mediator? I believe if it ever went to court atleast it shows good faith that I attempted to resolve the situation outside of the courtroom. And you're right... this intimidation effort has definitely worked on me. He is my whole world. I don't want to lose him. I'm also curious as to why you ask how long until she has another baby? Mediation generally requires two parties. You lose nothing by calling a mediator and you may gain knowledge. Not sure how successfully you can mediate a past event. Perhaps your true issue is one of the child's mother being present at transfer, not her agent [husband]. I'd recommend you spending time determining what your real issue is. That helps you identify potential solutions/compromises/consequences. An hour is an hour but it sounds like your real objection is how to manage the transfer. Her husband is the larger problem for you. Including having your son call the man "daddy". I inquired about a second baby for a couple reasons. 1. She is married. 2. Her energy and focus on fighting you will diminish if busy with a 2nd 3. The potential for your son to lose status exists. This could mean more parenting time for you. It could also be problematic for your son. Few things in life are black n white. Much of what we deal with is gray. Think ahead and see potential areas of conflict. Choose your battles. Know that visitation/contact is a right for your son. He will always be your priority, your everything. Distance yourself from the fear of the intimidation. You are most effective when taking the stance of what is the real problem, strategize compromises you can live with. Why is her husband inserting himself into transfers? I applaud you for being an active father. For recognizing that exposing your son to stress and potential physical aggression is wrong. It's lovely that your mom provides care and yet she also needs protection from hostile transfers. Always think about the risk of a volatile male who has nothing invested in your son. What's the guy's education and career status? Some of this just doesn't add up. Does he have kids? Edited May 27, 2012 by Balzac
Lois Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I don't know what the laws are regarding this so I'll leave that advice up to others. I will tell you one thing that may serve you well to remember: you have to love your child more than you hate your ex - and your actions should always show that.
Author wmrjw82 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Mediation generally requires two parties. You lose nothing by calling a mediator and you may gain knowledge. Not sure how successfully you can mediate a past event. Perhaps your true issue is one of the child's mother being present at transfer, not her agent [husband]. I'd recommend you spending time determining what your real issue is. That helps you identify potential solutions/compromises/consequences. An hour is an hour but it sounds like your real objection is how to manage the transfer. Her husband is the larger problem for you. Including having your son call the man "daddy". I inquired about a second baby for a couple reasons. 1. She is married. 2. Her energy and focus on fighting you will diminish if busy with a 2nd 3. The potential for your son to lose status exists. This could mean more parenting time for you. It could also be problematic for your son. Few things in life are black n white. Much of what we deal with is gray. Think ahead and see potential areas of conflict. Choose your battles. Know that visitation/contact is a right for your son. He will always be your priority, your everything. Distance yourself from the fear of the intimidation. You are most effective when taking the stance of what is the real problem, strategize compromises you can live with. Why is her husband inserting himself into transfers? I applaud you for being an active father. For recognizing that exposing your son to stress and potential physical aggression is wrong. It's lovely that your mom provides care and yet she also needs protection from hostile transfers. Always think about the risk of a volatile male who has nothing invested in your son. What's the guy's education and career status? Some of this just doesn't add up. Does he have kids? Yes, you're right... he is the larger problem for me. And it does bother me that he's trying to insert himself into transfers. If he were to be more respectful of me as my son's father perhaps things would be different. I don't trust him. What kind of a person intentionally tries to create altercations in the hopes that he can catch something on recording? Its sick. Call it pride, call it jealousy but his motives are wrong. Unfortunately, my son's mom doesn't see it. And its not my place to show her. I mean, should I express my concerns to her? There is no way I would ever give my son over to him. At the same time, I don't want there to be conflict. I want to take the higher road and make the best possible environment for my son, but my gut tells me this guy is not a good person. During the custody trial I had my lawyer dig into his background. No criminal record, has a college degree. No kids. Still works at the same company as my baby momma. But like I said, I feel like mal-intent exists there. He has always been a snake to me. And to hear my son call him "da da" turns my stomach. I realize as he gets older he will come to learn who his real father is, but right now its very hard. I guess that is my problem with him overall. She's trying to protray me as "uncooperative", an excuse, I feel to take my son away. I don't know what to do and feel so confused. I just know I love my son and want to protect him. I just pray any legal system will see where i'm coming from. I can't let her intimidate me though with threats. It feels like her way or the highway. Either accept this guy or pay the price by having my son taken away. That is pure evil in my eyes. Thoughts? Insight? Anybody gone thru this and seen a light at the end of the tunnel?
Author wmrjw82 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I don't know what the laws are regarding this so I'll leave that advice up to others. I will tell you one thing that may serve you well to remember: you have to love your child more than you hate your ex - and your actions should always show that. I honestly don't hate her. I did in the beginning for leaving and walking out on this family we were trying to create but in the end she just went with her feelings and didn't really love me. That I accept. I do not like, nor, hate her. She is just "there". And I will never speak a bad word about her in front of my son. That is just wrong in so many ways and only hurts him. As I stated in my previous post, my main problem revolves around this guy. And I do love my son way more than I hate her husband. But at the same time I will not turn my son over to someone I do not trust and that creates altercations and inserts himself and forces things which he should not force.
Lois Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I honestly don't hate her. I did in the beginning for leaving and walking out on this family we were trying to create but in the end she just went with her feelings and didn't really love me. That I accept. I do not like, nor, hate her. She is just "there". And I will never speak a bad word about her in front of my son. That is just wrong in so many ways and only hurts him. As I stated in my previous post, my main problem revolves around this guy. And I do love my son way more than I hate her husband. But at the same time I will not turn my son over to someone I do not trust and that creates altercations and inserts himself and forces things which he should not force. I can understand your suspicion of him, you want to protect your son and you should. My question - and this will be hard, maybe impossible for you to answer: does this man treat your boy well? If you honestly know in your heart that he does, then you really need to be as accepting of him as you possibly can. For your son's sake.
Author wmrjw82 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I can understand your suspicion of him, you want to protect your son and you should. My question - and this will be hard, maybe impossible for you to answer: does this man treat your boy well? If you honestly know in your heart that he does, then you really need to be as accepting of him as you possibly can. For your son's sake. No I don't know that. If I did, I wouldn't have a problem with the situation. His actions this past Friday did not help his cause either.
Balzac Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I surely wouldn't want a guy that jacked up on anger driving my son in a motor vehicle. His aggressive behavior in the presence of your young son is a big red flag.
firemanq Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 He cares nothing for the kid, he is playing you to keep in good graces with the x-wife. She is trying to protray you as a bad influance with your boy. And you are falling for the bull they are doing to you. You need to be cool, the boy is the looser here. Be strong, be an example to your son. The drama is part of what holds them together. And if your gut says he is a "snake", he probably is. Yes, I have been through it, but my kids did not like the fat f**k at all and were not shy about letting me know his many faults, such as not keeping his child support payments current. My son went/is going through the same thing with his son. She moved w/o court permission, she is constantly late delivering the child, she withholds the child w/o reason. The first guy she let move in was a decent sort, he had no kids so he had not seen the crap women like to do. I think that is one reason the relationship lasted about 6 months, then he was gone. Take the high road, be cool when in their presence. When you get around the corner, stop the car and get out. Then fall on your knees and ask God to help you through this trial. And ask Him to watch and protect your son. Then thank Him that you no longer have to put up the lying bithc. My oldest granddaughter graduated from Hi School last week. My daughter had an open house, and we went. The ex-wife has finally figured she is dead to me and I have nothing but disgust for her and her present whatever. She used to try to be pleasant and touch me. Prior to our attending the open house, I played through my mind what I would do if the lying bitce spoke to me or tried to touch me. I was ready to tell her she did not have the right to speak to me or touch me. She lost that privilege when she decided to lie to me and lied to our children about me. I am almost sorry I did not get to give my speech to her. Run through your mind the possible scenarios, so you can be prepared. Not to brag, but my 6 grandaughters are all extremly beautiful and very intelligent. The oldest, has received 3 scholerships to the university.
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