Being the other,OW....

[skywriter]

This is why I do more reading than anything. Sometimes we think we have it together and we believe the one we are sharing ourselves with.

 

I guess that's human nature to want to believe them, of course it is. I can say, I learned a very valuable lesson late in life.

 

I wanted to be special, and I also wanted to be wiser than I was.

I'm just saying, be mindful of things and don't be so quick to believe that you have it all under control.

[beenburned]

skywriter,

 

My mistake, it was skylarblue that said that.

[skywriter]

Beenburned, My mistake, it was skylarblue that said that.

 

LOL! That's cool, I still think my answer was accurate.

[skywriter]

frozensprouts,

haven't been in an affair, but when i think about it, if i were an other woman, and i found out that the married guy i was seeing was also seeing someone else ( without my knowledge), that would totally shatter any trust i had in them.

Depending upon what they told me was the reason or them having an affair ( I wasn't happy but wouldn't have cheated but you're just so special" type of thing) my trust would be even more destroyed and anything like that they'd said to me would feel totally invalidated. After all, if that's what they told me, then how can they rationalize seeing someone else if I"m so special?

 

I apologise for not responding to your post sooner frozen.

 

I asked the MM often why he cheated and he was very evasive of the question. Once he snapped and said, "because she's stupid"!

[sad puppy]

Skywriter, here's the very good news amongst your anger and confusion: you now can walk on, free from the lying & cheating dirtbag. Really, you now can find someone who you can love and trust and build a solid foundation. Better you learned his true nature now rather than later.

 

This is actually good news for you!!!!!

[skywriter]

sad puppy,

Skywriter, here's the very good news amongst your anger and confusion: you now can walk on, free from the lying & cheating dirtbag. Really, you now can find someone who you can love and trust and build a solid foundation. Better you learned his true nature now rather than later.

 

This is actually good news for you!!!!!

 

Thank you so much for your kind words sad puppy. It means alot, it really does. I do have a tendancy to beat myself up sometimes, for being so vulnerable and mostly for ever going there with the MM.

 

You are so right though, it is good news for me. I just need to move forward and stop looking back. Thank you!

[sad puppy]

I also have a tendency to look backward, but this is where we find our lessons, our wisdom. It must be looked at as a lesson, I've done the same, looked to this experience as a way to learn about myself and relationships.

 

I left precisely for the primary reason of: he was not capable of a healthy relationship. Not with anybody. That was the fuel for my journey out of the affair. I knew deep down I would never be happy with him.

 

So, go ahead, ponder, and learn for yourself. Keep focused on the light ahead of you. It's there, it is. But keep your goal in front of you, to get away from a cheating dirtbag. Use it as your beacon.

 

Life is so short, for us all. This is your opportunity to keep walking to a brighter future! It takes time, but soon enough you'll put that backpack, full of confusion, lies, and anger, by the side of the road, and you will walk on.

[skylarblue]

sky,

 

How can a MM that is cheating on his wife not be a cheater?

 

I just didn’t think he was the cheating “type”. I didn’t think he had cheaters’ tendencies. He’s not the don juan or smooth talker or tall, dark and handsome guy. Even my friend, who inadvertently set us up, flabbergasted response to my interest in him was “you like goofy (name here)?!” I honestly believe it was his first A, and he would never have approached me had he not been told of my interest. I really think there’s a good possibility that had it not been for me, he may have never cheated on his W. However, now that he’s had an A, I think he is capable and may get involved with another OW down the line (although he denies that he’d ever cheat again).

[skywriter]

Skylarblue,I just didn’t think he was the cheating “type”. I didn’t think he had cheaters’ tendencies. He’s not the don juan or smooth talker or tall, dark and handsome guy. Even my friend, who inadvertently set us up, flabbergasted response to my interest in him was “you like goofy (name here)?!” I honestly believe it was his first A, and he would never have approached me had he not been told of my interest. I really think there’s a good possibility that had it not been for me, he may have never cheated on his W. However, now that he’s had an A, I think he is capable and may get involved with another OW down the line (although he denies that he’d ever cheat again).

 

I think for myself Skylarblue, that all my observations and calling him out often, noting his response to that as well. It helped me realise this is his way of living. It finally shook me back to my senses. I wasn't good OW material.

 

I needed a reason to justify myself being involvewd with this guy and he didn't help me to have one. There was no means to an end. Then I'll be damned if I was gonna stick around realising he was running his game on me as well.

[skylarblue]

I think for myself Skylarblue, that all my observations and calling him out often, noting his response to that as well. It helped me realise this is his way of living. It finally shook me back to my senses. I wasn't good OW material.

 

I needed a reason to justify myself being involvewd with this guy and he didn't help me to have one. There was no means to an end. Then I'll be damned if I was gonna stick around realising he was running his game on me as well.

 

I can relate (though I rarely called xMM out on his sh*t). It was years before I saw an instance of manipulation from him and I recognized it immediately and had my eyes and ears open since, but I quietly accepted it as well as other instances (why? because I was all about making him happy and rationally made excuses for him). It wasn’t until near the end that I started realizing he did have cheater tendencies. All of the manipulative moves that xMM was pulling (or thought he was) on me were exactly what a “cheater” does. xMM’s main concern was having me stay with him and having his wife stay with him solely because that’s what he wanted. He did and said what he had to (whether true, exaggerated or an outright lie) to keep both and would have continued for as long as HE wanted if allowed.

Edited May 31, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[skywriter]

Skylarblue,

 

I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I understand that disappointment well.

 

The Mm that I was involved with was happy getting his ego feed from, myself, his W, and as it turned out any and all women that came around.

 

I think you and I can relate, our stories are sounding oddly familiar.

[cocorico]

Our relationship was founded on total honesty so if there were any lies about anything I would have ended it. I would have felt angry perhaps or disappointed that he felt the need to treat me like his BW when I was nothing like his BW but I would not have felt betrayed or that it was a reflection on me, just more that it was evidence of how strongly he'd been conditioned by his R with her.

[William]

When I have to go back and read the first post in the thread to figure out what the thread is discussing, my finger hovers over the 'review' button. Good topic. Stick to it.

 

For those who have experienced it, how do you feel being the 'Other' other woman <or man>?

[Spark1111]

I never start threads, but I was thinking and considered the fact that I'm not certain I've seen this question asked?

 

How would it make you feel being involved in an A, with someone only to discover or suspect that your AP has another AP?

 

This was one of the many reasons I had to stop being involved in an A.

For one, I just am not cut out to share.

 

For another, when I saw how blatantly flirtacious the MM is around other women, wow, the flags were flying!

 

fBS here....and yes, she wasn't the only woman he was talking to. I discovered after dday he was trawling the waters for her replacement? Flirting with many.

 

I do not think this is atypical, sorry. Same thing happened to a woman in my office who was dating (exclusively, she thought) a separated man. Many, many female "friends." Some he disclosed, many more he did not. She was devastated.

 

And I have often wondered, how would the OW know? I can't talk or text between the hours of blank and blank, because I will be with my family, is the PERFECT cover to do so.

 

You HAVE to listen to your instincts. I should have.

[Radagast]

When I was dating my ex-wife I knew she was married, and I knew she was unhappily married. She told me a great deal about her unhappy marriage in fact. She would run away from him and come and live with me and then he would find out where she was and contact her and she'd go back to him and then later she would come back to me. So when she was not with me I assumed she was with him. It is possible that she may have had some other boyfriends too but I would not have felt too badly about that as I was dating other girls too and it was only when she moved in with me fulltime that I stopped seeing them because I had to take care of her. So no I would not have felt bad, I would have moved on with one of the other girls I was seeing at the time.

[skywriter]

...anyway at this point, just speaking for me, I got the," what comes around, goes around" experience.

 

I deserved it, but, it didn't make me feel any better knowing I did.

 

I was degraded, humiliated, and look forward to when I will stop beating my own self up for it.

 

I believed him when he said, I was his first, one and only. Thankfully, I had enough sense to not turn a blind eye and pay close attention to what he said.

[woinlove]

...anyway at this point, just speaking for me, I got the," what comes around, goes around" experience.

 

I deserved it, but, it didn't make me feel any better knowing I did.

 

I was degraded, humiliated, and look forward to when I will stop beating my own self up for it.

 

I believed him when he said, I was his first, one and only. Thankfully, I had enough sense to not turn a blind eye and pay close attention to what he said.

 

What you describe sounds like what most describe upon discovering they have been deceived and betrayed, whether a BS or an AP. I guess there is a different mix of guilt and feeling it's a matter of 'payback' or something for the AP, though.

 

I really hope you can stop beating yourself up very soon (today or tomorrow would be good, ) as it seems you have already learned from this experience and you should feel free to move forward with that wisdom, confident that you can make better choices now.

[jwi71]

 

I deserved it, but, it didn't make me feel any better knowing I did.

 

 

No.

 

You did NOT deserve it. Nobody does.

 

Learn your lessons, lick your wounds and let the right one in.

[frozensprouts]

...anyway at this point, just speaking for me, I got the," what comes around, goes around" experience.

 

I deserved it, but, it didn't make me feel any better knowing I did.

 

I was degraded, humiliated, and look forward to when I will stop beating my own self up for it.

 

I believed him when he said, I was his first, one and only. Thankfully, I had enough sense to not turn a blind eye and pay close attention to what he said.

 

i really agree with the others on here who feel that it's time for you to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

I understand that you feel you, in some way deserved this, but I don't agree. You didn't deserve it...no one does.

 

You seem like a nice person, with a very big heart...look how much you try and help people out on here...people who are strangers who you'll probably never meet, yet you take the time to extend kindness and a helping hand to them. I think that says a lot about you as a person.

 

Please take it easy on yourself...be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you have learned a lot, and you have put yourself out there and shared what you have learned to try and help other people...I think that's pretty great:)

[Kismetly]

 

I asked the MM often why he cheated and he was very evasive of the question. Once he snapped and said, "because she's stupid"!

 

Guilt always manifests in these men as anger. :o:o

[Silly_Girl]

Guilt always manifests in these men as anger. :o:o

 

Not 'always'

[2sure]

When I was OW, I had to figure it was a possibility. Like many OW I knew that if MM were not cheating with me , he would be cheating with someone else. I suppose it made me feel less guilty. But by the same logic..that made me pretty replacable and therefore not unique.

 

Also I have a general mistrust of the world of course.

[skywriter]

Hello 2Sure,

 

....and what you say about the possibility of not being his only one is logical.

 

I was married at 19 yrs. of age, until nearing 38 yrs old. So I had those yrs of my life being a wife and mother, making a household,and working outside of the home.

 

Not to sound cliche' but being in an A was the farthest thought in my mind. So, when it happend that after being alone for nearly six yrs and meeting this MM.

 

Instead of considering this logical thought of, there must be another other. I thought, "wow, I'm special, because who'd risk so much to be involved with me unless I am worth it"?

 

I'm slow but when the wheels start turning, I get there, eventually....