My ex feels relieved that we broke up! OUCH!!!

[TrueSmiles12]

Hey, I'd really appreciate ANY words of advice and I thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

My ex-boyfriend and I just recently broke up after a 5-6 month relationship. We're both home for the summer from college. At school, we have the same major and share many classes and friends. We were relatively close friends before we started dating.

 

Anyway, when we both left school for summer break, we agreed to stay together and maintain a temporary long-distance relationship (i live in NY and he lives in Mass) - afterall, we would be returning to school and be together again. We didn't think that any major changes would occur during the summer. In the beginning of the summer, we both really made it work - it was comfortable, easy, and just a continuation of how it was when we were together. We would talk regularly, text each other when we could to let each other know we were thinking of one another, etc. It was great!!!

 

Until, we just started to fall apart.... We started growing distant and just found ourselves fighting over the phone a lot. These arguments were just like the ones we'd had up at school.

 

Some background info first: I'm a relationship girl all the way. I've been in and out of a handful. But I was his first real girlfriend. He had a crush on me since the first day of our freshman year (we're going into our 3rd year now) and jumped on the chance to finally "win me over" after I got out of a 1+ year relationship. And he is probably the worst communicator I have ever known. He doesn't like talking about his feelings, until they start building up, ie when we fight.

 

Soooo... here we were, fighting about the same stuff again and again -- that when he didn't contact me, I felt hurt or taken for granted and I'd tell him how I felt, he disagrees, and just backs off more and more. That is how we just kept getting distant.

 

We were both starting to feel unhappy, like truly unhappy with our situation. We wanted to work things out, but we just didn't know what to do. I care A LOT for him and I have developed really strong feelings for him and I know he felt the same way. And the truth is we could potentially have the greatest thing in the world together, but there is always something standing in our way.

 

I found myself being the one that would always want to push things towards getting better, really communicating, and putting all my energy into making sure we were not to fall apart anymore. And that was only sometimes for him -- alongside his consistent feelings of "I don't know what to do," "I just don't think it's working," "I don't know how to feel," etc...

 

And now... he finally decided, he said. He said that he just didn't couldn't do it anymore. And it hurts a lot because it's like the biggest cop-out. All I wanted to do was work things out and not give up.

 

And it hurts even more that he feels RELIEVED that we are broken up. I have this weird hope that when we get back to school, though, that we could have a second chance. Should I just give up on that hope altogether? I mean I know he is just convincing himself that this is the only thing that could have been done. I think about him all the time and I miss the little things that we had. Is he really relieved of me? Or is he just fighting the fact that he just gave up on us???

 

Thank you for reading this post!

And please help me figure things out or even understand things...

[StartingAgain]

Though your post is longish, it doesn't really give us any information to make any suggestions and there are contradictory statements: things were great at school vs you started arguing just like you did at school.

 

One thig is certain. You start that you fight about the same things over and over. This means that the two of you don't know how to fight. You fight to win. When you do this, you don't hear what the other is saying. When you are in a relationship, you must never fight to win. When you have a disagreement, you must accept that you cannot have it your way. Rather you have to reach a compromise where neither of you have to give up too much. Compromise is the key. So never fight to win, because you can only loose.

 

If the too of you were fightting all the time, it was only a matter of time before on of you was going to decide that you couldn't do this anymore. You wants to be in a relationship where you're always fighting. Obviously, he had had enough, when indicates to me that he was frustrated and didn't feel as if he was being heard. So he's relieved.

 

You are both in college and while it's nice to have some romance in your lives, this isn't the reason you are in school. You are there to study and you don't need all this relationship angst. Why don't you give each other some time over the summer. Then when you get back to school, talk about your situation to see what the next stp (if any) is. In the meantime, do some reading on how to have a healthy relationship. Interesting that we'll go to school to learn everything but how to have a good relationsip. We just guess at that.

 

To the library with you. Check out Dr. Phil.....

[TrueSmiles12]

I appreciate your response and your honesty.

 

I guess I should have mentioned a couple of things:

The fact that we went into our temporary long distance relationship still working out our problems was an issue in itself. While things were going well when we were together at school, I guess we just took that comfortable level for granted. We worked to be in our relationship, yes, but being 5 hours away meant a lot more work that I guess he just couldn't handle.

 

I mean he said it -- "I just want to be able to have a summer not worrying about what I'm doing wrong, if I'm doing it right, when to call you, what to talk about, etc.." It just seemed like too much work for him.

 

At school, it was a lot easier for both of us to handle our relationship and our relationship troubles. It wasn't as easy to just take a step back. We saw each other a lot of the time, in our classes on top of our down time. We couldn't simply avoid each other. And this past month, we've been walking on eggshells with one another, careful as to not say things to prompt arguments. Or we would just avoid talking to each other until we cooled off.

 

I mean when we fought/argued/had a serious conversation about our relationship, everything was about compromise. Do not be misunderstood. I understand what you are saying about fighting not to win, I mean I really understand it, We both did.

 

And please understand that there is no need to undermine my knowledge of healthy relationships. I have read a handful of books about relationships, including Dr. Phil, which is why I simply wanted to work things out, to really understand what was standing between us, and what is now.

 

And of course I realize that we are not up at school to have romance, it is still something that arises. Feelings do arise and relationships do occur while at school...

 

As much as I do understand his frustrations in us arguing, I also understand that he still has feelings for me, saying things like...

"I really still care for you and have strong feelings for you, but I just can't go through a period of everything sucking again." I just want to understand why he is fighting these feelings for me and simply be relieved that we broke up.

[StartingAgain]

But I read in your second post what I read in the first: that your relationship really wasn't that rosey while you were at school either. But at least there you had the time to try to work things out. Now you are five hours apart. Long distant relationship are very hard when they are good. When the relationship is troubled, the added stress of the separation can be too much. And it sounds like some time apart for self-reflection might actually be helpful.

 

"I can't do this anymore" is not a cop out. It's an honest statement of how he feels. Loving couples, who aren't looking out for their own interests never fight very much. If the two of you are fighing a lot then there is something fundamentally wrong. Perhaps the two of you really do care for one another, but you are just too different to make this relationship work. Or maybe you have fooled yourself into thinking that you are handling conflict well, when in reality you aren't.

 

It sounds as if he may be through. If so, you just have to accept this, mourn the loss of the relationship and move on with your life. You say that this is his first serious relationship. Do you really think he's going to be able to get it right the first time? Never going to happen. He doesn't know how. You also say that the relationship is only 5-6 months old. That's a very, very, very short relationship. the two of you should still be pretty starry-eyed. But you fight a lot. Maybe he's wiser than you. He understands that if you are having this many problems after so short a period of time, the relationship is a mistake and it's better to end it.

 

BTW, I didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't have love affairs while in school. You are at a beautifiul time in your life and learning to love is important right now too. But that's my point. In college you experience all sorts of new things and really start to get a handle on who you really are and what you want out of life. You're in a state of flux and your needs and desires are going to change radically over the next few years. Because of this, have fun, fall in love, but understand that those affairs are porbably not forever. And what ever you do, don't let a failed six-month long relationship sour you.