He has feelings for me but doesn't want a relationship?

[sweet_roxanne]

How can a guy have feelings for someone and not want to havea relationship with them?

 

I’m really confused right now. I have been seeing someone casually for thepast few months, we met through a popular dating website. I like him a lot but at the beginning he said he just wasn’tready for a relationship and just wanted something casual, I agreed tothis and felt the same way. I’m afraid of getting into arelationship too fast with someone and ending up with the wrong person. From the very beginning we connected on a deeplevel and time together was passionate and lustful. We ended things because we felt it wasbecoming too relationship-y. I wasfeeling a little rejected because he would call me or text often, which Ienjoyed, and he would make plans with me and then break them. And he was annoyed when I got annoyed aboutthat. That is very relationship-y. So webroke things off and saw each other the next day with the conditions that wewould be purely casual, we’d only call each other when we actually wanted tosee each other, something felt off afterthat and we stopped seeing each other immediately.

 

We each dated other people after that. About a month later he found something that made him thinkof me and he texted me. We startedseeing each other again. Things werepassionate again and after some time I freaked out again. We had a great night together and a couple ofdays later I saw that he was on the dating website. He was also too busy to talk to me, sayingthat he didn’t feel well. I called himand broke things off. I told him that itwasn’t working for me. But I didn’treally tell him that it was because I felt jealous and rejected. He said he agreed we should end it and saidsomething about our living situations being inconvenient. I just agreed with him that that was myreason too.

 

We both continued to date other people and a few weeks laterwe started chatting again. We prettymuch spent a weekend together, he introduced me to his friend and wanted me tomeet some of his other friends but it didn’t work out. We had a wonderful time together. Afterwards I freaked out again. I just felt I couldn’t deal with these feelings I had for him unlesswe were sharing them exclusively. Iexpressed this to him, but also stressed that I didn’t feel I was ready for arelationship yet. I feel like I’ve donea thousand things wrong here. Have I sabotagedmyself from the get-go? Really what Ido want is a relationship with him. Iwant to be able to call him just to talk sometimes, and see him and meet hisfriends and have him meet mine. But Itried to tell him this without actually telling him this, but by telling himthe opposite. When really it’s what Iwant with him. I don’t want to just tell him this because he took some time tothink about it, and told me that he really felt that what was best for him wasto end things with me.

 

I feel like despite telling him I didn't feel ready for a relationship I gave him that window of opportunity by telling him that I did have feelings for him and wanted to see him exclusively. If he really liked me wouldn’t he have taken the opportunityto say yes, he felt the same way? Andyes, he wanted to see me exclusively? But he didn’t. So why did he sayhe really liked me? Why do I feel thatit’s true. Why would someone decide togo against their feelings, in their own best interest?

 

I worry that I gave an entirely wrong impression of what Iwanted due to my own fears and insecurities. But I also worry that I’m the crazy obsessive ex who can’t deal withrejection. Or did he mean it, when hesaid he thought it over, that he really thought it over. If he wanted a relationship he would couldexpressed that but he didn’t either.

 

[i so want to call him and talk to him about this but weagreed things were over and I don’t want to come off as desperate or crazy. I'm so confused! He said he gave it a lot of thought and that he felt it was in his best interest if we ended things and stopped seeing each other. It just blows my mind that he can say he feels the same way as me, but doesn't want to continue seeing me. Desperate for any advice....

[Patrice]

What do you want from the relationship? It seems like you are afraid of something, were you hurt before? If you're not ready and let him in, then freak out when he is getting closer, he's getting mixed signals.

 

To see him on a dating site and have that kind of reaction is saying something about your feelings for him ... do you want to be in a an exclusive relationship with him? I think when you're recovering from being hurt in a previous relationship, this is a pretty natural reaction - mixing sex into the casual relationship parameter probably is causing this kind of emotional reaction.

[Radu]

I only read the first half of your post, but pls pls pls ... run away.

This guy is like heroin ... makes you high for a bit, makes you crave more and is very very very bad for you.

[wordrock]

"I’m really confused right now."

"Im afraid of getting into arelationship too fast"

"Afterwards I freaked out again."

"I feel like despite telling him I didn't feel ready for a relationship"

"I'm so confused!"

 

 

It's pretty obvious why he backed off. You seem completely unable to communicate your intentions with him because you don't even know them yourself. He liked you as he said, but you couldn't be straight with him... which many men infer as playing games. When a guy says it's best if you don't talk to one another anymore it's pretty much over. It's time for you to move on. Take this as a lesson to figure yourself out before trying to get involved with someone before you end up in a relationship where the other party doesn't know what they want either.

[sweet_roxanne]

Thank for the feedback. I think more than anything I feel completely mind f****d. I know that I wasn't clear about my intentions and that they weren't clear to me either. The main issue is that I really liked him and would have been open to a relationship with him but was scared, mostly that he wouldn't feel the same way.

 

When I told him I wanted us to see each other exclusively, I felt like it was pretty obvious I was putting myself out there. I just can't understand how he can say he feels the same way about me but decide it's better not to continue seeing each other. It just makes no sense to me! A part of me wants to call him and try to get answers. But if he's really decided it's over I don't want to be annoying him...

[FitChick]

He wants to date you and other women.

[wordrock]

Thank for the feedback. I think more than anything I feel completely mind f****d. I know that I wasn't clear about my intentions and that they weren't clear to me either. The main issue is that I really liked him and would have been open to a relationship with him but was scared, mostly that he wouldn't feel the same way.

 

When I told him I wanted us to see each other exclusively, I felt like it was pretty obvious I was putting myself out there. I just can't understand how he can say he feels the same way about me but decide it's better not to continue seeing each other. It just makes no sense to me! A part of me wants to call him and try to get answers. But if he's really decided it's over I don't want to be annoying him...

 

Because he thinks you will change your mind yet again. If it makes you feel any better I was recently involved with a woman somewhat similar to you.

 

When I met her I made it clear I wanted to date her in a romantic way. She told me she was fine with that but that she wasn't ready for anything serious as she had recently gotten out of a very long term relationship. I'

m

fine with that. I just want to date, have fun, and get to know one another. However, even though we get along great and seem very compatible, things seem to be going nowhere physically. At some point we have a chat about it and decide to just remain friends. I'

m

fine with that. It's plain that she wasn't ready to see anyone.

 

One day I start noticing she is dressing up a lot when hanging out with me. I ignore it and view things in a platonic sense. She meets a couple of my friends one night, a guy and a girl. The girl has a big crush on me (not reciprocal) and a strange jealousy ensues. It's plainly obvious, but they both claim innocence! The night ends with her all over me, falling asleep with me on the porch swing.

 

That continues over the next few weeks. We hang out and end up spending a lot of time close to one another, kissing and

so

forth. I never mention sex at any point, but she makes it clear that she will not have sex with me. I'

m

perplexed, but curious

so

I continue spending time with her in this strange limbo state which she describes as "not a relationship, but more than friends." Meanwhile I am dating other women. She made it clear we were not an item. Just "close". Ok... close to what?

 

Later, when the curiosity is wearing thin, I ask her where we're at. She tells me the conversation makes her uncomfortable. I tell her the situation has me perplexed and tell her that maybe we should stop hanging out together. She says she doesn't want that. I say I don't either and I drop it, because she is visibly stressed. An hour later, she's all over me, kissing wildly, feeling all over, and grinding on me... of course I like it. I like her a great deal. But at the last moment she stops and says she's not ready to have sex because she's not ready for a relationship! And once again I say that's fine! Although I've developed some feelings for her, we can just be "close friends". She obviously doesn't know what she wants, and I'

m

not about to make the decision for her. I decide the whole thing is just a one time thing due to her not being over the previous relationship. Not a big deal, she's a confused woman. I shouldn't have forced the issue maybe... right?

 

A week later, she stops me when i'

m

about to leave her place, jumps on me on the couch, kiss kiss and basically drags me to her room.

So

now we're sleeping together.

 

Well now! Does she want a relationship? Yes? No?

 

The hell if I know! I'm afraid to even bring it up at this point. All my guy friends are telling me: "No no no! Have fun with her, but do not get emotionally invested." I care for her a great deal and despite what everything tells me, I would be ok with the situation if she could just make up her mind. What I draw from things is the same as my original conclusion. She's not ready to see anyone. Once again, she puts it in my lap to decide to continue this neurotic 'relationship' we've developed. I can't possibly see what asking her what she wants at this point will accomplish. She's gone out of her way to say one thing, and do another.

 

Sound a little familiar? Did you want him to see through all your insecurities and sit you aside and say "Look, I want to be with you. Let's make this work."? Instead, he got confused and started drifting away. You saw this and tried to bring him back... but it was too much for him and he bolted. Now's your chance to have your say. What would you have me do in my situation? What did you want him to say or do?

Edited May 28, 2012 by wordrock

[ascendotum]

How can a guy have feelings for someone and not want to have a relationship with them?

Easy for many men.

 

at the beginning he said he just wasn’tready for a relationship and just wanted something casual,

There will be lots of people online who are not ready for relationship after their last breakup, or for some it will be a case of someone will do till someone better comes along. With many women getting msgs + dates will serve their needs in the meantime, with guys its getting sex that will sate them. (Casual/NSA is perfect).

 

Afterwards I freaked out again. I just felt I couldn’t deal with these feelings I had for him unlesswe were sharing them exclusively. Iexpressed this to him, but also stressed that I didn’t feel I was ready for arelationship yet.

Itried to tell him this without actually telling him this, but by telling himthe opposite.

At the same time he wasn't exactly giving you the run around, since your feelings + actions seem to not be straight forward or at odds with his intentions, from where he stands, most likely.

 

If he really liked me wouldn’t he have taken the opportunityto say yes, he felt the same way?

If he was head over heels in love with you, yes, but he is just heels behind your head in love with you. Roxy, he didnt break down in emotions begging to keep seeing you or txting you every day after you two initially broke up. He moved on to new prospects, broke plans with you when something better came up. You had a FWB relationship going even though it might not have been what you really want. He has feelings for you and I'm sure really likes you, but he also has feelings for seeing what else is out there. I bet one aspect he loves of you is that you are insecure, uncertain and not forthright on what you want. You need to learn from this, that there will be plenty of guys online, that would prefer a fwb relationship if they can wangle it. If you are really not ready for a relationship, then no harm done here, and just be clear with future dates what you want and don't expect to able to change what you want out of the guy after dating him for a little while and be disappointed it does not end up your way.

[RedRobin]

When a man says he wants something casual, believe him.

 

It doesn't matter that you developed feelings for him. It doesn't matter that he says he has feelings for you.

 

He does not treat you like a girlfriend. That was never his intention to begin with.

 

You brought this on yourself by choosing to date a man who wanted something casual and said so up front, silly girl. You tried to re-write the contract after the fact, and he declined... which is his perogative.

 

Walk away. That's all. You said you didn't want a relationship either. Time to be consistent and leave. If he tries to call for more NSA sex, don't respond.

[RedRobin]

How can a guy have feelings for someone and not want to have a relationship with them?

 

Some guys will say just about anything to keep the sex tap flowing.

 

Oldest trick in the book.

 

The only 'feeling' he has for you exists from the waist down.

[sweet_roxanne]

When a man says he wants something casual, believe him.

 

It doesn't matter that you developed feelings for him. It doesn't matter that he says he has feelings for you.

 

He does not treat you like a girlfriend. That was never his intention to begin with.

 

You brought this on yourself by choosing to date a man who wanted something casual and said so up front, silly girl. You tried to re-write the contract after the fact, and he declined... which is his perogative.

 

Walk away. That's all. You said you didn't want a relationship either. Time to be consistent and leave. If he tries to call for more NSA sex, don't respond.

 

The thing is when we were together I felt he did treat me like he was interested. He bought me a gift on his vacation, would tell me he liked me, and more recently introduced me to a friend. He even said that was something he would only do with a girl he was interested in a relationship with! I got really confused by this, coming from someone who did wave the casual flag from the start.

 

I am walking away though. He said he didn't think we should continue and I respect that. It's frustrating to not really understand, but my life was pretty awesome before him, and I know it'll continue to be awesome. Especially by eliminating a source of insecurity and confusion. . I'd rather find a guy that makes me feel great one day or even just keep myself happy and sane by not putting up with that

 

I appreciate so much each one of you who took the time to respond and offer insight and advice. It means so much and I don't even know you!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just so you understand things a little more in-depth of how this works so you can avoid it in the future...

 

- Just because a man has feelings for you does not represent he wants to be in a relationship with you. He's a human being, is he supposed to not have feelings? I'm not sure about you but everyone that I've ever met pretty much has feelings, and women tend to overestimate the value or meaning of these emotions.

 

Men spent time with you and sex you up because they're getting something out of it, it doesn't mean that want to buy the cow when the milk is free. Of course they can act interested in you when they're with you, because it's a small amount of time, it doesn't have to be consistent, It's like playing a character..they put on a mask and in the moment they're indulging in their theatrics...but at the same time they won't make it "real" so realize that behind the special effects If there isn't anything genuine and sincere in terms of commitment and real effort...then don't confuse a movie with reality, because you're just two characters in this movie.

 

- Secondly...If a man isn't interested in a relationship, there is nothing you can do to deteriorate or provoke that outcome...It's already in black and white...It's simple...don't ever get emotionally caught up or invested or you play yourself for the fool. And If you also mention you are not, then perfect for the man! you just gave him the green light to use your words against, even If It has nothing to do with it because he never planned on being with you exclusively in a relationship, you just walked through the door that he was already planning on opening...what did you expect? that he'd change his mind? that he'd develop more feelings?

 

Women are typically distant from relationships out of fear and insecurity...assuming they are not completely interested in the guy, however unlike men women tend to date men they see potential with, only do they typically do "one night stands" for the wild fling side of them, however even spending time with that guy long enough would lead to emotions.

 

Men however say what they men, at least in that respect 99 percent of the time. He was not being scared of insecure, he had an agenda...because men already know what pocket you fit into so to speak and you were the casual FWB, a perfect victim by your own words in fact...so don't anticipate men will change due to emotions, because they've already decided way before that they wouldn't have a relationship with you...so you only force them to feed your excuses of why they can't be with you by questioning this.

 

 

- And finally, men...If they attain the quality or attribute, will be passionate with you...and her, and her, and her and her...because that's a part of them that they like to indulge with freely with women. Women connect sex with emotions, however men withhold emotions ensuring that they can detach, once the smoke gets too thick they pull a ninja and get the hell out of dodge before you can zero in on them.

 

So whole little game was merely just a way of buying time...ultimately he doesn't want to lose a reliable booty call, especially since you've given so much and asked for so little...you've kept quiet and been a nice little passive woman that doesn't speak her mind and speak up for herself...and If you do...well, that's just too much trouble for casanova so you get into a fabricated "argument" because he's not going to straight up tell you how he feels just reiterate what he was looking for, supported with what seem to be credible excuses...he's basically looking for a way out, because he doesn't want to give you exclusivity.

 

Then you get all confused with the stupid little irrelevant details and think you did something wrong to cause all of this and maybe If you did this or that different or said you were willing to have a relationship then things would have changed..but don't be a fool, you likely never have a chance to begin with...at all.

 

He introduced you to his friend and that seemed confusing to you but really, how big of a hole is that to patch? they're his friends! they're going to believe, listen and support whatever excuse he tells them that you're not around anymore..they don't care about you.

 

Ultimately this guy, other than the sex...doesn't mind If this is over, and you should see through all this and understand the bottom line...don't confuse yourself by telling yourself things you want to hear and believe so you don't have to let someone go. It sucks, but It's what is right for you...because the best you could be to this guy is second best.

[sweet_roxanne]

I think you've totally hit the nail on the head.

 

Live and learn!

 

Thank you