He left his wife, now I'm not sure

[Silly_Girl]

In a nutshell, the 180 is when the BS gives the WS (and the OW) a huge does of reality.

 

Alice, if you're going to tell a poster what *is* happening in her life I think it would be really nice if you took the time to explain what it is you mean. You are aware, as we all, that RIB isn't in a great place so supporting by sharing knowledge would be really great, as opposed to stoking the fire and attempting to confuse her further.

 

What do you mean by '180' please? What might RIB look out for if that's what's occurring?

[Alice2012]

but he[r] reaction to discovering his cheating is what sealed the deal for him. She went mental, really crazy, tehy stayed up all night fighting and she punched him and left a huge bruise on his arm that didn't go away for a week. Seriously, she went nuts.

 

LOLOLOL!! You call that "nuts?"

 

His wife acted totally normal after a Dday and yet this guy STILL manages to comes out the victim! He's got you totally snowed.

 

I give up Rosie, I don't know what else to tell you. The rose-colored glasses will hopefully come off at some point.

 

His wife is wife knows exactly what she's doing. She's going to "win" either way.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Alice2012

[truthbetold]

I agree with Ladygrey that you should probably back away and revisit here with a clear head, as what you've been told is likely overwhelming. but I agree that you ended up here bc something isn't right in your gut and you know it. The gut doesn't lie to us.

 

I want to leave you with a thought though. Since you met him working and he's had many affairs with co workers. How does that make you feel? Really? How can you be secure with that if he gets no help to address this? You mentioned this in your first post.

 

This is something I was told and has served me well in life. There are times when yes, you will be the prettiest in the room. There are other times that you will be just as attractive as the next woman, and other times that there are women prettier than you. It's all relative bc beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one guys finds gorgeous in larger eyes another would prefer an oriental shape, they're all beautiful in their own way. Frankly I think it's a pia to be good looking in this world bc you have to feret out a lot of jerks that only see that and put a lot of emphasis on it like you have with your guy.

 

I agree with Bean's premise and understand no matter what age will take over. However genetics do play a significant role. Myself and my girlfriend are blessed that even though we have kids, we didnt' get stretch marks. No c sections. Why? who knows, likely genetics like I said. So no it's not a given. But things like c-sections etc are not always planned, it all depends on your type of pregnancy. However neither of us are as tight as we were in our 20's. It's just impossible to maintain THAT level of youth and that's okay.

 

I only tell you this incase you know of women that maintained their shape well into their 40's bc we're out there. I don't want you to discount what Bean said. However if we're smart we know it has little to do with what we do, it's genetics. It's what's inside that matters. And it's those that even if you turn heads that recognize that inside that matter more than those that are impressed or bewitched by outside beauty.

 

I just don't see how you can trust him in the long run when the dust settles and things are more "normal". He's proven himself very untrustworthy. I hope your head feels better, but realize you have the power to choose.

[Joaquin]

Look at his wife. Ruined.

 

That will be you in 10 years.

 

Your choice.

[sad puppy]

Alice, if you're going to tell a poster what *is* happening in her life I think it would be really nice if you took the time to explain what it is you mean. You are aware, as we all, that RIB isn't in a great place so supporting by sharing knowledge would be really great, as opposed to stoking the fire and attempting to confuse her further.

 

What do you mean by '180' please? What might RIB look out for if that's what's occurring?

 

And once again, as always the same cast of characters, never seeing someone in pain and confusion, just spewing their bitterness as always. Throwing out barbs that do not assist in any way. Why would she explain the 180? That doesn't further her cause of slinging crap. Bitter, bitter, bitter. And I, for one, take EXTREME objection to all the BSs portrayed in their halo, working feverishly to cook, raise children, clean, tend to their man, and all sorts of selfless behavior. If all these BSs are so sainted, so perfect, so exquisite, why are their husbands cheating on them?? Hmmm, one does wonder why a man would cheat on such a precious creature.

[bean1]

Truthbetold,

 

Don't get me wrong, women can look great after multiple babies, I do too myself after 3 (no C-sections, only some scarring), I am an athlete and work hard for it.

 

What worries me for her, is that it is obvious throughout her posting that she takes pride in her youth and (default) beauty which comes with being 25 and childless (I don't know if she is good looking or not but most 20-somethings will be hot to a 40+ year old man).

 

This "card" that she plays against the wife ("She let herself go...") is a very shaky one. She WILL age, guarantee that, and will in 5,10+ years find herself right in the same position as all of us wives- up feeding babies all night, struggling to slough through a workout after dealing with a teether, trying to find 1-2 hours a night to be sexy for husband when we just want to pass out.

 

This is where the MOTHER in me comes out, not the former OW. The former OW says "Oh, I'll never be like that..." and wham! there it is. Like I said, it's no different than the teenager who is immature and thinks they know better than their parents. The OW (or OM) is immature and thinks they know better than the wife/husband, after all, they've heard bits & pieces from an established liar, they must know more than the spouse who has been there through the highs AND THE LOWS of a true relationship

 

I really *LOVE* the suggestion that our OP asks her mother about the experience. Perhaps her mother can offer her insight into the betrayal that she is committing.

[bean1]

And Rosie's resistance to the idea of stepmother is where the real age gap begins. 15 years when one is 25 is not such a big deal to most, we could agree - but life experience gap here is a biggie.

 

The reason the wife is talking to you about this subject is because she has far more experience than you and knows that you will be there for bath time, movie nights, home work, dinner conversations, etc. You are stepping into the world of parenthood, a position YOU chose to make.

 

You cannot enter a relationship with a parent who has visitation and expect it to be like any of your previous relationships. You choose to date a parent, expect to adjust to their world. They have already had to adjust far too much to your own idea of what their world should be.

[sad puppy]

No BS is perfect...ever. A person who will cheat has an issue that is within. Blaming something or someone for that choice is foolish at best and just head up the butt at the most. NO one has been rude. We use terms associated with cheating all the time without thinking about....AP, WS and BS. It isn't intentional it is just familiarity. Why even go there? It wasn't necessary. No one was trying to confuse her. We all did not know what he 180 meant at one point. Extremes are necessary from anyone. Most of never wonder why anyone would cheat...we already know. OP do what LadyGrey suggested...

 

Yes, and Alice was asked to explain the 180 as all she responded with was snark - that certain bitter BSs sling over and over from their lofty perch.

[woinlove]

And once again, as always the same cast of characters, never seeing someone in pain and confusion, just spewing their bitterness as always. Throwing out barbs that do not assist in any way. Why would she explain the 180? That doesn't further her cause of slinging crap. Bitter, bitter, bitter. And I, for one, take EXTREME objection to all the BSs portrayed in their halo, working feverishly to cook, raise children, clean, tend to their man, and all sorts of selfless behavior. If all these BSs are so sainted, so perfect, so exquisite, why are their husbands cheating on them?? Hmmm, one does wonder why a man would cheat on such a precious creature.

 

Not sure what halo you are referring to - have some posts been deleted? As for the posts I see here, I agree with the advice that rosie needs to look carefully at this man's pattern of cheating and how he treats his family if she is considering tying her life to his and having children with him. Personally I would run, and I did with a MM who was not a serial cheater. Rosie may make a different decision for herself, but she still should try to look at this man's character and actions carefully because if one is so lucky as to raise a family with a man capable of honesty, loyalty, real love and compassion it is a wonderful thing and not something to give up lightly if one is interested in having children. I really think all those urging rosie to look more carefully at this man's actions are spot on and if taken, it is advice that will serve her very well.

[frozensprouts]

maybe it's just me, but i think his wife is really getting the short end of the stick from him...

 

he portrays her as half crazy, out of shape, entitled, mean and no fun. it is even implied she is turning his kids against him...

 

but his wife has the kids in counseling to help them deal with things ( he refuses to go? really, what's that about?), she gave up her career to stay at home with the kids and now she's offered t go back to work, trade places with him, etc.

 

she may have lashed out when she found out how much he was unfaithful...but lots of people would

 

i sounds like she is trying to be reasonable and do what she feels is best

 

he's trying so hard to make himself the "victim" here, that he won't own any of his own actions. if he refuses to own them, that means he can not learn from them and nothing will change...a few years from now he may very well be saying similar things about the OP to his next "other woman"

 

it's understandable that a marriage can get stale, that there is no "love" left, but that's rarely due to the actions of only one spouse. where is his role in all this? i realize he's probably got some great qualities, but they don't change who he is or his relationship style

[truthbetold]

Truthbetold,

 

Don't get me wrong, women can look great after multiple babies, I do too myself after 3 (no C-sections, only some scarring), I am an athlete and work hard for it.

 

What worries me for her, is that it is obvious throughout her posting that she takes pride in her youth and (default) beauty which comes with being 25 and childless (I don't know if she is good looking or not but most 20-somethings will be hot to a 40+ year old man).

 

This "card" that she plays against the wife ("She let herself go...") is a very shaky one. She WILL age, guarantee that, and will in 5,10+ years find herself right in the same position as all of us wives- up feeding babies all night, struggling to slough through a workout after dealing with a teether, trying to find 1-2 hours a night to be sexy for husband when we just want to pass out.

 

This is where the MOTHER in me comes out, not the former OW. The former OW says "Oh, I'll never be like that..." and wham! there it is. Like I said, it's no different than the teenager who is immature and thinks they know better than their parents. The OW (or OM) is immature and thinks they know better than the wife/husband, after all, they've heard bits & pieces from an established liar, they must know more than the spouse who has been there through the highs AND THE LOWS of a true relationship

 

I really *LOVE* the suggestion that our OP asks her mother about the experience. Perhaps her mother can offer her insight into the betrayal that she is committing.

 

Oh I'm right there with you. I meant no disrespect at all. I get that Rosie is looking at the superficial icing not the inside that's why I tried to make it relatable to her.

 

But I totally agree, you have no idea what it takes to be a mom until you are one! There's so much truth in the sacrificing and putting ones own needs on hold a lot of the time.

 

And I also don't see where anyone sainted the wife. She did make her mistakes but so did he. I don't care what she did. There is no excuse for cheating. There are plenty of people in the world that see it that way too. There are plenty of guys that go through periods of sexless marriages as evident on the other board, and they still don't cheat. Cheating is a poor coping tool period. Nothing gives anyone the license to cheat, you ain't happy talk about it or get out. There's plenty of people that have that viewpoint, there's no reason to get sucked into a cheater's lame excuses.

[stillafool]

 

 

I'm not a slut or a whore. I just met a man who fell in love with me and I fell in love with him, even before we had sex, so it isn't this vulgar thing that his wife tries to make it out to be. We actually really loved each other and were wiling to wait for sex (other than some kisses and such) although he knew I wanted him.

 

Sorry Rosie but you did chose to date, fall in love and have sex with someone else's husband. 25 is definitely old enough to know better so own your part in the demise of their marriage. Now, I think that since you are so in love with this guy, have helped to break up the marriage and you defend everything he does that you should definitely move in with him and find out what this is all about. Experience is the best teacher. I don't understand why his kids have your information to be able to text you. I don't think you should have any contact with their children at all.

[stillafool]

No, as I told her in an email last week I am not going to be their stepmother and I never will be. I will be a friend and a support to their dad but nothing more. They already have a mother, they don't need another one.

 

I know you may not want to be their stepmother but he comes with this package. Also he will view you differently if you get sh**ty with his kids after you two move in together. He will want and need your help with them and will expect you to be patient with them because they are kids. There's really no way around it.

[stillafool]

I agree with Ladygrey that you should probably back away and revisit here with a clear head, as what you've been told is likely overwhelming. but I agree that you ended up here bc something isn't right in your gut and you know it. The gut doesn't lie to us.

 

I want to leave you with a thought though. Since you met him working and he's had many affairs with co workers. How does that make you feel? Really? How can you be secure with that if he gets no help to address this? You mentioned this in your first post.

 

This is something I was told and has served me well in life. There are times when yes, you will be the prettiest in the room. There are other times that you will be just as attractive as the next woman, and other times that there are women prettier than you. It's all relative bc beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one guys finds gorgeous in larger eyes another would prefer an oriental shape, they're all beautiful in their own way. Frankly I think it's a pia to be good looking in this world bc you have to feret out a lot of jerks that only see that and put a lot of emphasis on it like you have with your guy.

 

I agree with Bean's premise and understand no matter what age will take over. However genetics do play a significant role. Myself and my girlfriend are blessed that even though we have kids, we didnt' get stretch marks. No c sections. Why? who knows, likely genetics like I said. So no it's not a given. But things like c-sections etc are not always planned, it all depends on your type of pregnancy. However neither of us are as tight as we were in our 20's. It's just impossible to maintain THAT level of youth and that's okay.

 

I only tell you this incase you know of women that maintained their shape well into their 40's bc we're out there. I don't want you to discount what Bean said. However if we're smart we know it has little to do with what we do, it's genetics. It's what's inside that matters. And it's those that even if you turn heads that recognize that inside that matter more than those that are impressed or bewitched by outside beauty.

 

I just don't see how you can trust him in the long run when the dust settles and things are more "normal". He's proven himself very untrustworthy. I hope your head feels better, but realize you have the power to choose.

 

 

:lmao:I so agree with you on the above. There's an old saying that "For every beautiful woman out there there is a man who is tired of f--king her". I have seen this over and over. OP some men who are married to beautiful women cheat with less attractive women for no other reason than to have something different. You never know what or who a cheater will want next.

[SidLyon]

Rosie; is he seeking 50/50 custody and time with his kids?

 

If so, what arrangements does he plan to make for their care (eg getting them to and from school, sport and their other activities, cooking their meals, being at home for them when they are not at school, taking them to medical and other appointments, visiting their friends and supervising while their friends are visiting them, etc) while they are with him?

 

Given that he works such long hours, he will need to have a plan in place especially if you work full-time and are unwilling to participate by taking on a "stepmother" role.

[LovelyLaura]

Hi rosie,

 

Its not very often for me giving an advise to someone here.

My situation now is also very terrible and sometime i think its not my place to give anyone else an advise on how to built a good relationship since i dont have one

 

But your story really tickles me..

We have the same age range between us and MM,

Im also 25 yo single lady, and my MM is 39.

He also has one daughter,

and i can easily picture my self being you.

 

I really cared about my MM, and maybe without some rational head of mine,

i would fall in love with him right away,

and live the life you have now.

 

And trust me rosie, its not the life that i picture for my self.

When i wake up in the morning, its not the life that i want to face.

You know the fact that he cheats more than once,

this will haunt me for every single second spent with him.

For now, maybe u havent realized it yet,

but when you become his wife, when you totally tied to him,

have to live with him 24/7, you will find yourself wondering,

is he totally honest with you?

what does he do now?

will he cheat on you?

and the list goes on..

 

now u trust him with all your heart,

but the next 2 or 5 years from now,

u will start to question urself..

 

and its not only about that.

i agree with everyone here saying that if you marry him, then u will marry his package too.. including his past as a cheater, his child, his all qualities, both good and bad, his problem, everything..

and you have to be ready to handle all of that.

if you are not ready or you dont want to have that in your life then walk away.

 

i know it will be hard, but for long term, u do urself a huge favor..

[pureinheart]

Hey Rosie...hang in there love, remember noone knows your own situation like you and MM.

 

You did not destroy their marriage...him having ONS's and 2 EMA's and her staying with him after that speaks volumns. He was done and she hung on for whatever reason. Now she is done and should have been a long time ago, so that's on her.

 

It sounds to me like he was "dating" till he found the right one, in his mind he was single.

 

The age difference is no big deal.

 

I think she should be grateful that he has paid all of her bills because he doesn't have to.

 

His kids are his responsibility not yours, but that is like wayyyyyy in the future and doesn't even need to be a concern at this point.

 

My advice would be to take it slow, most of this stuff won't even make a difference once all is said and done ...things have a tendancy of working themselves out, no need to concern yourself now.

 

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[William]

Then let the mods deal with it instead of the return snark arrow. OP received honest advice and was asked honest questions in an effort to help her realize that her thoughts on the BS, the children, the male, and parenting are all things she will need to deal with in order to answer her original post.

We will, thanks. Thread closed for moderator review. Thread starter if you're still reading, take some time to reflect on things. If you don't find the thread re-opened and wish it to be, alert on this post and contact us. We'll review your request at that time. Thanks.