Romantic Friendship vs Platonic Dating

[ash11ae]

To sum up a long story, I dated this guy last year and we were pretty in love with each other. We broke up because a lot of obstacles got in the way and we were long distance. He ended up moving even further away, but we stayed friends, and still had feelings for each other. However, five months ago he reconnected with an old flame, and they've been dating ever since. Despite that, he has still been pursuing me for the last few months, expressing his love for me and his desire for us to be together.

 

Needless to say, this was really mean of him to do, because while I could have been out dating people I actually stood a chance with, I was sitting at home trying to figure out how I could be with him, while he was actually with someone else and I didn't know it.

 

I don't excuse what he did at all. However, I know the reason why he did it. He and I kind of had a whirlwind romance. He is in love with this girl he is dating, and she claims to be in love with him, but they have been together for five months. She only sees him once a week, for about 8 hours, and they go to parks and have lunch and play with their sons (they are both single parents). They hold hands and kiss. They have had sex once, about two months into their relationship, but according to my friend it was just a "quick experiment" during which they stopped and said "this isn't right." I have seen him posting on this forum asking for advice, why she won't let him touch her now, etc, so I know that part is at least mostly true. He says they don't kiss often, and when they do, they are short ones, no tongue, and no sparks or passion. I asked him how he knows she is in love with him, and he said, "I don't know. Her eyes." They are supposed to be taking it slow, but it has been 5 months! And when I asked him if he tried talking to her about taking their relationship further, he said, "Yes, she is not looking for more."

 

Now, he wants daily attention, sex, affection, and commitment. He wants true love. She, on the other hand, doesn't believe in it; has attachment and abandonment issues; refuses to have sex out of fear of another unplanned child; and doesn't want anything long-term.

 

So you can imagine how it makes me feel to know that this guy that I am in love with is in love with a girl who basically is just his friend that holds his hand and kisses him sometimes, and not me, the girl with whom he had so much passion.

 

The other thing is, we really text a lot, and I don't think they talk as much throughout the day. He blew me off for her the other night and they talked on the phone for an hour, even though they were seeing each other the next day. He says when they talk, they just talk - about each other's day, things like that. Very pleasant. But what I find interesting is, he always comes to me when he is feeling sad, and I can't imagine him doing that with her, especially some of the things he's sad about.

 

I sent him a long letter, which he read yesterday, about how he's hurt me, how I love him, how I question this new woman in his life, but how I want to be there for him despite my feelings. He wrote me back saying, "Thanks for being you. You're great." He said my e-mail made him sad because he "always loved me."

 

Last night, we were texting, and he was watching a sad movie, and texted me saying it was making him cry. And he asked, "I will never be happy, will I?" And I tried to be there for him and tell him that part of the reason he's not happy is because he keeps chasing things he knows won't make him happy, and he says he knows that. Then he said he was always happy when we were together. He's also said things like how he always hoped I would get pregnant. How he was mine 110%. He asked, "Why doesn't anybody ever chase me?" And that hurt me, because I have been chasing him for months! When I told him that, he said, "Only after it was too late."

 

I just don't know what to do here. Some people have suggested cutting ties with him so he can't use me as a crutch, and maybe they're right. I love him. If I could be with him, I would be. But it also scares me that I am going to continue having these feelings for him, and have to watch him waste his time on a girl who is never going to give him what he wants, and no matter how much I am here for him, how much I love him, how much he claims to have always loved me... he always reminds me that she's the one he wants, and that it is over between us, and I'm "too late."

 

Should I back off? Should I let him live his life, without me waiting in the wings, and let him figure things out? What worries me is, he is so lost, and he never leaves anyone; no matter how miserable he is, either the woman will leave him first and break his heart, or he will do something he regrets and ruin it based on his needs not being met. He needs help. I understand him. I want to help him.

 

But I don't want to be hopeless in love, either, and if he and I are only ever going to be long-distance friends with unrequited love, I'd like to stop having romantic feelings for him...

[d'Arthez]

You need to back off. He has chosen to remain in this relationship, and he is still staying in this relationship. He has made a decision.

 

You can do better, than being a second girlfriend to a spineless guy, who does not respect his relationship with his girlfriend to begin with. He is no prize!

 

Cease all contact with him, and forget about the guy. Meet someone who actually can maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship. This guy is not one of them.

[ash11ae]

Sigh... I was hoping not to hear that. Is it really that black and white?

 

I'm such a schmuck because I want so badly to believe that people can be forgiven and that he cares about me and that we can be friends or something, but I think it's also that attitude that keeps getting me hurt again and again, and I don't know what to do.

 

He's not leading me on or anything... he's made it clear, I'm too late, he wants to be with her, etc. It's just hard for me to accept.

 

And hard for me to watch him throw his heart and his life away on this girl when I feel so strongly in my gut that she is only going to screw things up for him even more.

[d'Arthez]

Umm, from the first paragraph of your opening post:

Despite that, he has still been pursuing me for the last few months, expressing his love for me and his desire for us to be together.

 

contradicts quite strongly with

He's not leading me on or anything... he's made it clear, I'm too late, he wants to be with her, etc. It's just hard for me to accept.

 

I am sure you played a part in that as well, but he has not maintained healthy boundaries, within his current relationship. This man is no prize. He is just stringing you along, to feed his ego / or even as a potential backup plan. He has made a decision, he needs to stick with it.

 

It may be hard to see him throw his life away, but it is a choice he has made, and obviously is comfortable with. Else he would have broken up.

 

You can do so much better than this guy. Go No Contact, and get this guy out of your life.

[ash11ae]

Just want to clarify, he WAS stringing me along for months, until I found out. Now all I hear is:

 

"I love you. But I'm in love with ___. I'm sorry."

"I want to be with _____."

"I always loved you. Wish you tried harder before."

 

Etc. No more pretending to be interested or anything.

 

You do not think it is possible for us to even just be friends? Even if I make the decision to pursue other men?

[d'Arthez]

Just want to clarify, he WAS stringing me along for months, until I found out.

He should have stopped stringing you along when he got involved with someone else, not when you found. Right now he is emotionally manipulating you, keeping you emotionally involved with him. Not really sure what the motive is. But it is a major red flag.

 

Remember, you know next to nothing about his relationship, other than what he is telling you.

You do not think it is possible for us to even just be friends? Even if I make the decision to pursue other men?

I think it is impossible. Because the moment he finds out that you are pursuing other men, I think he will up the ante, and come on even stronger than he has until now. The last thing you need is that kind of emotional confusion.

 

I'd say cut your losses and pursue other men.