The Lost Guide To No Contact, V3

[WantanS4]

OH BOY! WHAT AN ADVENTURE!

 

Gosh... this NC crap is equivalent to running through knee-deep mud. I begged, I pleaded, I cry, I pushed, I shoved, I stalked (sorta, not really... just drove by), and finally... one day... i gave her an ultimatum(?) and it came and went and the last thing i said was 'you don't deserve me'... and i think she really doesn't..... looking back.. it wasn't me... it was all her... everyhting thing that went wrong... was her fault... but... i still love/care.... and it's hard to stop..... i can sit here at work..... and BOOM! all of a sudden she pops up in the desktop of my mind with a great big blinking light..... and i have to scroll my conscience over her window of distress and click close.... but my processor takes at least 2hrs-the whole day to 'end the task'. i hope and pray and lose my mind because she was everything to me... there is nothing left... the room is empty...... and i can't decide what to do with it. I could rent it out for the night... but would i feel better about myself the next morning... or would i hate myself because that's not who i am.

 

I don't know... my hope is running on empty and is are my expectations of being that happy/happier with someone else. What nags at me the most is the idea of her with someone else.... to touch her the way i did.... ARGH! But.... it's not my choice... and i hate the fact that i let her touch me that way........... who am I? how do you forget? I asked her..... and she didn't say a damn thing.... she didn't even want to answer.

 

She doesn't deserve me! They don't deserve us. Will they comeback?...... nah...... Will the ever forget?..... WE HOPE NOT.......WILL THEY REGRET!??!?!............ SOMEDAY!.......... Sure... we aren't perfect..... but at least we held THEM to be....... We're better off alone.... all of us...... and if they do comeback........ the hell with them............ not a defense mechanism..... dignity...... respect for oneself.

 

What do you think? It doesn't matter...... the truth is........ just smile....... just smile....... no one dies of love.

[Hurt]

Wantan, I am in the same boat, I find moments of peace and hrs of pain, I try to look at the things that were not right, there is always good in everything, but the bad is what broke you up! Remember one door closes and another opens, thinking of her with another is in your mind, and you cannot cotrol that so let it go.Were you happy? were you getting what you needed? was it an honest relationship? if the answer is no, then go thru the hurt, but try not to invent scenes in your mind, block them, they are not real. There was a reason for the break up, look at those, look at your part in it, clean up your side of the street first. Everyday that goes by is one more day that you will be closer to sanity. Driving by and begging is not the answer, again you have no control over her and what she does or how you expect her to react, I am speaking for myself as well. Some things are not meant to be. If this is meant to be then it will work itslef out, until then take a rest.

[WantanS4]

Agreed. I don't do that anymore, i quit... i literally gave up and quit. she says she needs to find out what she really wants (i'm sure i don't have to explain what kind of an effect that has on you) and well for all i care (90% at least) she can take the rest of her life to do it. What i don't like is this nagging feeling.. that won't go away..... i want it too.. but it won't.... i try making it go away.. but it won't..... does anyone else have this?

 

Were you happy?

 

YES....

 

were you getting what you needed?

 

she 'understood' me and i THOUGHT i made her happy as well

 

was it an honest relationship?

 

on my part yes! always... to the point where i think it did harm (no I didn't do SPIT!). But she wasn't... she was a 'close it up.. shut it down... run away' type, and that was usually the root of all our problems.

 

I realize now what went wrong, and i wonder if she will realize that it was her and not me (not completely me).

 

I 'honestly' do believe that if she decided otherwise, things would work out and never break again because my side of the street is clean and in some ways renovated.

 

i miss her... i miss her smile and her laugh and all the things that i used to doubt about her... i miss them.

 

now i live for myself..... someone will come along and WIN BIG!

[Hurt]

Wantan,

 

The nagging feeling the pain in your stomach, the lack of concentration, thats all part of the loss, I feel the same, although I broke up with her because of an ex situation, was I honest yes! the question was, are you will to settle for less than honesty? less than getting what you need? less return than what you give? if you are, then you take what that brings, you will be back in pain soon enough. I am hurting bad like you, I also want her back, I sent her a message yeaterday that I am hurting, did she respond no, do I feel better? yes, it remimnded me of the way she treated me, do I really deep down want her back? NO I love her and miss her, but I do not miss the lack of complete commitment she could not offer. She once broke up with me and told me she would look for Mr. right!!!! she came back crying and told me she loved me??? people who are grown up and ready do not go back and forth, some people are just not ready the moment you are. Let it go for a while, the no contact? I am glad I did what I did, it answered my question sooner than soon, now I need to get over the pain. Never settle for less in the beginning, it DOES NOT GET BETTER! later....

[lost_in_chgo]

so still no contact, over two months this time.

 

Last time we spoke she asked me if I talked to anyone at her work.

I said not unless I call them.

She mentioned one of the guys there that I was friends with who is back there after working elsewhere.

And see said, so it looks like you aren't going to work here again huh?

I said, I dunno, if the offer is good, but not for just a couple hours.

 

So that was the hints that she's so fond of and I believe she's seeing someone there, possibly the guy she mentioned and she was looking to see if the coast was clear to date at work. I have'nt confirmed this, but it fits her MO. Which means she's about two months into a new relationship.

 

Why would she care if I worked there? Hmm...

 

Nevertheless I can't really see this as a good sign.

She is still having absolutely no thoughts of reconciliation.

Though when I talked to her friend around the same time her friend was more hopeful that she'd come around eventually.

 

On my side, I've had some chats with a couple girls at work that I don't really have alot of interest in. No opportunity to chat with anyone really. I can't do this forever. It's just too painful.

[lost_in_chgo]

Two weeks

 

Two weeks from now it will be a year since the ex left. I haven't seen her in close to that and I haven't spoke with her for almost 3 mos this time around.

 

a year

 

I've not spoken to another women in that long. At least not in a personal/dating sort of way.

 

I've lost what little I had that passed for friends except one

and I have no mutual contacts with the ex unless I reach out.

 

That's what no contact is about.

This is going to be a really nasty two weeks.

 

The ex threatened not to talk to me anymore if I talked about love or relationships.

I didn't, but she still doesn't talk.

 

I'm very tempted to reach out on the one year mark to mark the day with an email to say hello etc. But I know it's a bad idea. I skipped valentines and her birthday. She emailed after valentines, but not after her birthday.

 

She's just turned 30 and from the looks of her profile she's put on about 15 pounds since we broke (something I've never seen her do in the 4 years I've known her)

 

Last I heard she seemed depressed.

[trouble]

Lost

I am not an expert but I am concerned that you haven't developed any new connections with people or members of the opposite sex. You don't have to date yet but it is healthy for you to form new friendships. New people offer new perspectives on life and give you new experiences. I hope that you don't allow this break up to cripple you socially. I am sure you have a lot to offer.

 

As far as contacting her- I think you should see if she contacts you. She is probably expecting some contact. I have learned that when you are dealing with a break up many times it is best to do the unexpected.

 

Hang in there. It will be ok.

[lost_in_chgo]

I was socially crippled long before this. But this one hit me very hard coming as it did one month before my 40th b-day.

 

I'm not a social person, I make a bad first impression I'm told. I have a very dry sense of humor that people don't often understand, though I try to temper that since I became aware of it.

 

So I have trust issues as well, which come from being raised in a broken home I think.

That is something that cannot just be dismissed as it kinda defines a person.

 

I wasn't properly socialized as a kid (borrowed phrase from dog training).

 

End result, people have to get to know me. Then they either like me or dislike me.

 

So I work in computers, a predominately male field with few opportunities to meat someone I can relate to. Meat? er, meet. geez.

 

My friends are work friends and they disappear with the job. Most are married.

Once about ten years ago an Indian coworker tried to fix me up, but they didn't really qualify the meeting, just threw us at each other and she wasn't interested. No one else, family or friends has ever tried to fix me up.

 

I realize this is hard for people who are naturally social to understand. But it's like this, "why don't you fix your own computer or your own car when it breaks? Just get in the and fix it. What do you mean you don't know how? Just fix it. It's easy."

 

The way you just heard that is the way I hear it when people tell me to just go out and socialize.

 

You know I like to go out with friends. With my ex I took her out every weekend or more even to dinner, and I always asked her what she wanted to do, because I wanted to do things that she liked, but it was always dinner, nothing, go back to my place, sex, tv, sleep, talk. She breaks up with me and all of a sudden she's miss party animal. I don't drink, but my fridge is full of her beer. Still is. She decided I wouldn't like to do those things I guess.

 

ramble ramble ramble

 

as far as new connections. Well my life has gone like this. Started dating late. Got my heart broken by a coworker. Dated my exwife (also coworker) on the rebound. Married her because it looked like nothing better was coming along. (seriously, and yes a bad idea) Married for a year. Found out she was cheating with my best friend since before the marriage. Broke up. Started dating while separated. That went for three years. We separated amicably, just not working. She's married now last I heard, good for her. Alone for 3 years. (not one date). Dated a coworker. She said she wanted a non-emotional relationship for the time being while she got over her ex. She left me for the ex after 6 months. Came back a week later. We dated for 7 years, but it never developed and she eventually left. Communication and trust issues. And I was in love with another girl (coworker/my ex). Alone for a year. Started dating the ex when she separated from her husband for the third time. Dated for six months, divorce finalizing, she runs. Everyone says she's going thru a single phase.

 

So what's that get you? A guy that will never cheat for one. A guy that is gun shy.

 

And here we are a year later.

[trouble]

Lost

Wow. That is a lot to digest. Something struck me when reading your post. You are very in tune with your emotions and the potential causes of your situation. You seem to be aware of previous mistkaes in relationships and you don't want to repeat them.

 

You are right about the home life contributing to your emotional make up. I know you said you were in your early 40s but it isn't too late to deal with some of these things and get in a good place so you can be emotionally healthy and meet someone who will be good for you.

 

Do you have any interests other than computers? Not all people are naturally social and that is ok. You don't have to be a social butterfly or feel comfortable going up to strange people and introduce yourself. Have you tried any of the online dating sites? Some of my friends have had some luck finding people online. They chat for quite some time before they even exchange phone numbers and talked before meeting. Just a suggestion. If you do have some interests you could join a group- sports team, or any other type of group to meet people.

 

You are in control of your life and you can make good things happen. Don't think that your shyness is going to keep you alone. There are other people out there that are shy. I am not one of them but I don't assume that socialization comes naturally to anyone. If people tell you that then they don't really care about you. Hang in there. I wish I could tell you something that would be more helpful. Are you really in Chicago?

trouble

[lost_in_chgo]

Split recommendations on the interest chasing via groups, teams etc.

The guys I've talked to who have tried that say it's a huge wast of time and that you can usually tell within the first 30 minutes if anyone of interest is there and that spending any more time at it after that is a waste. Though if you assume that you are actively pursuing the social byproducts of teams sports, then maybe it makes sense.

 

As far as online sites, yes. I've been approached by older women and shills for the company running the sites. But not much else. Tried it years ago, went out for a dinner, had her back to the house got to second base and never called her again. I never wanted the second date, but online chat friends convinced me that I should give it a chance. They were wrong. I'd forgotten all about that until now. Sport dating (read f'ing) isn't my thing. Most of the time the profiles are specifying something I'm not for their match.

 

Yes chicago burbs.

 

My other interests are similarly introverted I guess. Home repair, estate sales, hiking, biking and I have a side business. Those are the things I do, not the things I am willing to do or enjoy when I do them. It's just that there are alot of things that are just pointless by yourself. Like vacationing.

 

 

So yet another problem is that I tend to like younger women (who doesn't I guess) and that I'd like to have kids, so people my age are not ideally suited for that role. I'm also somewhat picky in what really interests me.

 

The whole thing is a recipe for loneliness and I've got myself in a real box here.

My ex was a 10 point match for me and that made all of this alot harder.

I do a search on Yahoo and she comes up 5 stars. The only others who do that are in the same boat, kids, recently divorced or separated and I'm not doing that again.

[trouble]

Lost

You are in a sad predicament and I am sorry for you. I can understand that finding a woman that wants to have children at your age can be difficult (not that you are old but women tend to be done with children in their 40s).

 

I am a natural optimist (which oddly enough was one of the reasons that my fiance listed as to why he didn't think we were going to work- he is a natural pessimist). I know that the pain you are feeling now is real. It isn't in your mind and you aren't over exaggerating it. It sucks and there isn't a solution or a potion or magic spell to make it go away. I see countless posts here asking for advice on how long people should wait until dating again, or how long before the no contact thing will work. I know you are an intelligent man and understand this. However, the heart is a slow learner.

 

Just remember that if you found her once, you can find her again. At least there is a combination out there that makes you happy. You have to find a way to put yourself out there. I know you don't like socializing but there has to be a way maybe through estate sales or something that you can meet people. I used to tell my friends in law school who wanted to be in a relationship that you have to get out there- the doorbell isn't going to accidently ring one night because the delivery guy got the wrong house and you instantly fall in love. If you don't take the chance and put yourself out there you are destined to be alone. I don't mean that you have to do it in a traditional fashion.

 

Do you like to read? Sometimes I go to a bookstore and grab a cup of coffee and read or look at magazines. There are a lot of people in the stores and you never know who's eye you may catch. Ok so it was a lame suggestion but I want you to not feel so defeated. I too feel defeated but I have time on my side- I am 28 so I have a few years before the eggs dry up!

 

I wish people took the time to realize that there actions have an impact on others. I hope you find some answers. I know that I haven't offered too much in the way of earth shattering advice.

 

The reason I asked about your whearabouts (and I am not trying to play matchmaker) but I have a friend who is in her early 30s that lives right outside of chicago. She is always looking for new friends. She likes outdoors stuff, like hiking and other things. Anyway- I met her online. Things will work out- believe in the power of positive thinking !

[lost_in_chgo]

Hmmm. Where's this friend? North South West? Far eastern suburbs ?

 

Mid 30s sounds good.

So does 28 for that matter.

 

OK, went to lunch with an interesting lady today. And a few of the guys.

Maybe something there, though I don't know her well enuf yet, but she's friendly enuf.

 

Ok, one week until a year.

No word on or from the ex.

 

Too bad.

She doesn't know I found a new house.

She doesn't know it has enuf room for her and the kids.

She doesn't know that it's conveniently located to everything.

Poor her.

She doesn't know.

[SwEeT P]

well lost i know how u feel.....been a week of nc for me...........and i dont plan on calling him either........hes the 1 that left me.........time to move on i suppose........the way i look at it is eventually they will see what they have lost and by that time i'll hopefully have someone else........

[miggsbucks]

Lost,

 

I get scared reading your posts. Not of you. I can understand empathically what you are going through. What I am scared of is that I really want to be over my ex as soon as I can. But she really did mean so much to me, and she will always be the one. For the rest of my life I know that my heart will yearn for her above all others. I know that no-one else will EVER compare to her. I know people say "oh you'll find someone else..." but I know truly and utterly that NO-ONE will EVER match her.

 

And this scares me, and thats why i read your posts and i feel for what you are going through. nothing anyone will say will ever make me feel differently. yes me and my ex (split up 3 months now) shared some fantastic times together, but i feel she does not feel the same way to me as i feel towards her, and it hurts. it hurts so so much. but - what can we do? we can't do anything. and that makes it hurt even more.

 

i know that now i will be trapped forever. i sometimes wish i had never met her. its so damn hard. i will never truly ever get over her. and i think i'm heading for the same road you are on lost. what can we do? nothing, nothing but wait... and wait... and wait. but i know the call will never come. thats why i truly think that she has lost someone who will care for her more than anyone else ever can. thats why i think she is missing out so so much.

 

but what can we do?

 

nothing.... absolutely NOTHING.

 

i do enjoy life, i will never do anything silly over her. but i know that i am doomed to a lifetime of wishing and hoping. i sometimes pinch myself to think "was i ever in a relationship with her?" but i was, and i can't believe i was sometimes. because i think that she is the most wonderfully amazing person i have ever been together with, and now she is gone. and i just think that i will never get over her. she was the one. THE ONE. no-one will ever come near to her. more fool me! why is life so hard. i'm almost wishing the rest of the years of my life away now so that i dont have to spend forever living with the sorrow..

 

LOST... why are we so ****ing lost? !!!!!!!!!!!!

[lost_in_chgo]

Three months.

 

The death knell on the new relationship is sounding.

another 90 day wonder bites the dust.

 

Me, I've had a couple of group lunches and convos with a girl at work, but she doesn't seem interested. There's another that is, but I'm not.

 

Got a birthday coming up. Got to figure if there is anything there at all that I'll get a card.

At the very least I'll get a call from a couple of my old coworkers to say hi.

 

Though...my old boss calls me at every holiday and he missed Labor Day. Perhaps because he didn't want to talk about her work affair. First holiday he's missed since I left.

 

The deal on my new house fell thru and I'm two weeks or seven weeks from losing my job unless I get extended.

 

when it rains it pours.

 

Fate is really pissed at me for something.

[netrie]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

Three months.

 

 

LOST!

 

You dont have to be--lost. Please try group therapy. CODA is for relationship issues and you can meet other people. I recommend it for you as you are a loner and not very sociable. Please check it out. CoDA. Co-dependents anonymous.

 

Netalia

[backspn]

Kit: How many of us have heard of stories of ex's getting back??? I know i have! Both on here and in real life! I look at the ones that takes agesssssssss (year or so) as the more positive ones! This is because enough time has gone by that people are able to look at themselves and re-think about what has happened!

 

 

Do the couples do NC for the whole time or do they keep in contact with them? I keep in contact with her still, even after 6 months since the break. We ended it on good terms and we're still good friends. She calls me 99% of the time...I hardly call her. I have started NC because I feel that she is just using me as emotional support, but am unsure how long the NC should last. She hasn't dating anyone else since our split and isnt looking. Will the NC in my case hurt me in the long run for our possible reunion?

[lost_in_chgo]

Getting a bit tired of the CODA spamming on all the message boards here....

[miggsbucks]

Lost,

 

I totally respect everything you have written on this site. You seem totally in tune with your emotions, and seem so rational when giving out advice. I'm not some spammer you were pissed off with earlier. I'm a bloke like you, of 34. In a way - I'm lost too. I'm totally and utterly in love with my ex, who I just know there's just no hope of her ever wanting me back. But that's just it though - I know there's no hope - yet I still "hope" - how crazy is that! But - you MUST move on - you've betrothed the virtues of such, but you have not actually done it yourself. Its now time LOST - let go - now and forever - just do it. She'll come back when you least expect it. NOWS THE TIME, do it my friend, let go - for good.......

[miggsbucks]

yes its so friggin hard.... but move on we have to.. i agree with you about that poster with the CDAO whatever crap f*** off!!

 

this site's all about finding solace from other people without promo'ing some crap like that!!!

[Lonestar]

I went to a CODA meeting once. They're f***ing stupid. I don't need 12 steps to get over my relationships problems. This forum is kind like CODA, but we can air our crap truly anonymously.

 

lost, I totally get where you're coming from. Although I'm a social person by nature, I've gone through periods in my life where I was completely gun shy when it came to others. It's not easy to go out and meet people, so stop doing it would be my advice. Go out as much as you can for YOU. Keep your own ass busy, and you're more likely to meet someone you could hook up with. Even if you are a social person, going out on a hunt for love is a real pain, not to mention unproductive and stupid.

 

Hey, miggs, how are ya?

[iceisles]

If my ex calls, would I be obligated to return this call a few days later or would an e-mail suffice? I really don't want to talk to her on the phone during NC unless she wants to open the flood gates of truth (something not likely to happen.) I want to shut down her friends-only phone calls to discuss the weather, school, etc. Could I reply with a short e-mail that said, "I'm sorry it took awhile to get back to you, but I've been busy" or something similar? E-mail interactions are much easier to control within the context of NC than phone calls are. I want her to view me less as a friend and more as someone she hurt with her actions.

[lost_in_chgo]

want her to view me less as a friend and more as someone she hurt with her actions.

 

Interesting.....why?

[iceisles]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

want her to view me less as a friend and more as someone she hurt with her actions.

 

Interesting.....why?

 

Well, after being cheated on, dumped, and lied to even after the breakup, I don't think she deserves my friendship right now. It's not until she demonstrates some respect for me as a person that I will consider being friends. As long as I remain cordial with her, she doesn't feel any sense of urgency to reconcile or at least talk about the issues that drove us apart. She has to realize there are two options here - start talking about something other than the weather or stop talking to me altogether.

[lost_in_chgo]

ok.

my experience is that she wont think about it at all for awhile until something makes her stop and think.

In my case it was when someone brings my name up or when there is talk about hiring me at her work.

Then she needs to face things so she tries to reach out and make up a bit.

 

She's nowhere near ready to reconcile. That was four months ago.