The Lost Guide To No Contact, V3

[lost_in_chgo]

Two days in a row communicating with the ex.

Looks like she might be ready to have an ongoing communication now.

Just work talk. But that's a step in the right direction.

[tokyo]

I don´t know, on the one hand I have been clinging like an idiot on my ex and it´s not that I regret it, but I feel exhausted now. And when I look at you, I feel even more frustrated. You are willing to give so much to someone who might not deserve it at all..... It´s all in vain. If you look at most posts, there´s so little chance that they ever come back. I just see people here who have put a lot of faith, trust, time, affection, emotion, love into people and who are willing to wait and wait and wait. Sure, not everybody is equal, there are exceptions, but they are so few and rare. I feel for all of you. Hopefully you will soon be happy again.

[lost_in_chgo]

You're right, there are no guarantees.

In my case, I believe that the reason she left was that she needed to be free for awhile after having been married for many years and from a young age. If I don't allow her that, how can I ever know that she knows what she wants and that she won't leave down the road to find out.

 

It helps somewhat that I knew all of this going in, but I hooked up with her anyway because I just couldn't say no to her. It hit me harder than I expected when she did walk, but if she works this all out and we end up together, it will all be worth it in the end. And we will both know that this is what she really wants. But the first few months are going to be a little rocky I think.

 

Of course we have to get to that point first.

[lost_in_chgo]

hmmm four rounds of emails today.

All work stuff, but no animosity and no running.

 

Also seems like she's been making changes to cut costs and simplify her life since we broke.

One of the things she used to do was spend spend spend, now she's seeing the value in being thrifty when you can. That's one of the things she held against me (or used as a justification).

[Puma]

thats great lost!! keep it up and since she is startin to commmunicate more with you now..id say back off a lil, get her thinkin a bit..intrigue her!! and keep it positive as u know by now if u play it right..id say things are lookin good regardless of what it is u want. g luck and keep posting as we all enjoy heaarin progress ciao

[lost_in_chgo]

thanks Puma.

I don't expect any contact until Monday at the earliest.

It's all been work related so far.

[Puma]

work related or not..its contact..look at it that way!

[aarsky]

I think we all tend to over analyze our situations and that's the problem. We cannot control the other person, and I think that's what we all tend to forget. I am in a similar situation, but I caued the breakup. And nowe I sit and wonder when and if my ex will ever come back. I am trying to use the no contact rule that I read about on here and i think that is the best medicine. You just have to live your life to the fullest and take each day as it comes. Becasue before you know it you'lll be old and grey and miserable. If you show people you are secure and happy about yourself, then whatever happens, if the ex comes back or not, then at least you'll know you feel good about you.

[lost_in_chgo]

Yeah. I told the ex that it's been a very good year for me.

I may be reading into things, but it seems to me she didn't expect that.

So now she's emailing, but still no questions or personal stuff.

 

There are some open questions, but she may not respond on Monday.

If she does, it will be an interesting change from previous conversations.

[Puma]

lost, how long has it been since she left? im in my first mth after the break and i have more clarity now so ive been thinkin bout the whole situation and it deems on me that we had it great and there were no problemsbut she felt she need space, time, and tiem to sort things out. i feel that a mth is long, but then again..how can someone discover themselves in a mth right?

[lost_in_chgo]

another email today.

Just responding to mine. A bit cooler than before.

 

Puma, It's been more than a year.

[Cabras]

My roommate tried to cheer me up by telling me his parents reconciled after like 18 years apart. I almost threw up. That isn't what I was hoping to hear.

 

I am having the wierdest feelings right now. I want my ex back, but I don't think she is ready for "us" yet. So in some wierd way I want her to take some time and come back wanting to be with me. I want her to be happy, but I don't know how long I can hold out. The time that has gone by for you scares me. I have read all of your posts and the replies and I don't think I would have the strength.

 

I hope that you are seeing the seeds of something wonderful yet to come.

 

-best wishes

[Puma]

oh ok..so some good tiem has passed then. well hopefully she realizes whats up..and will coem to her senses

[Puma]

hey cabras..im feelin ya. ya want the best for them first before they can be ahppy with bein back together. its understandable. g luck to all of us in our search for peace with ourselves, reconcilliation, or whatever it is we would like all i can advise is to PRAy, we are all goin through tests..its how we react to them that make us who we are. we will come out stronger because of this..u may not realize it now, but over time you will and will thank urself for realizin it

[lost_in_chgo]

well, given that she's only contacting me during work hours, I don't think she's coming around at all.

She's just checking to see if it's ok to talk to me and then she'll try to use me for work related help like she did before. It's going to take weeks for her to get comfortable enuf that she isn't looking for hidden agendas everywhere.

 

It's terribly difficult to go thru this again and frankly I don't know if I'm going to make it.

I feel like telling her to get lost might be the best angle.

 

However, I've submitted myself for a mgmt job where she works and there is a possibility that I could be her manager. If that comes to be, I'm going to have to make it known there and ask that she report to someone else. Otherwise, not only would we have problems getting back together, but she'd read all kinds of things into everything that I do as a manager. It's either that or get her fired/fire her, which I don't want to do.

[Cabras]

Ahh the wonders of loving someone who works with you. I met my ex at work. She got fired within a month of us dating, but it ended up for the best since I don't think we could have survived being the talk of the office much longer.

 

Next job was great for her, but her company got bought out and her job status looked very uncertain. So she goes to a new company where at least she knows someone there. She gets to work with her friend's boyfriend. A year later and look who she is dating. Arggg.. .

 

Now part of me just wishes she was still working in my building, but I can't imagine the pain I would go through seeing her every day at work and not being with her.

[lost_in_chgo]

yeah, I left that job partially because of that, but also because I had other irons in the fire and the timing was good to protect her job as our new boss was looking to run everyone out. My living upset things enuf that the ex's job was secured. She doesn't even realize that. And the boss continued to try for a bit and then just gave up and started trying to mold her instead.

 

The worst part was that I left and it probably made it easier for her to make her decision. The best part was that I didn't need to see her everyday after.

[lost_in_chgo]

and an email outside work hours.....hmmm

still about work....and a mention of the work xmas party.

 

Hasn't told me who she went with yet...

used to be she'd avoid me unless she was seeing someone, then it was ok to talk to me.

Maybe that's the story now.

[lost_in_chgo]

Well back to silent mode I guess.

I sent another email to see if she'll reply.

 

This is the way it goes, a flurry of contact and then silence.

 

All of the communication up until she started talking about the xmas party at her work was strictly work related. I guess maybe that was too.

 

Is she feeling pressured?

Is she feeling feelings?

Not ready?

Making a point?

Apathetic?

[lost_in_chgo]

got a reply today.

very short, nothing much to it.

So I sent off a state of affairs msg to give her a few more topics to discuss.

And into the weekend we go....

[lost_in_chgo]

Well now, she's emailing me after midnight. I got a two page email talking about all sorts of stuff about our working together and possibilites there. Not very personal, but a couple minor things and she's started talking about her feelings a bit, albeit work related. I can see that she is opening up to me a little bit. This will be a long strange trip.

[bebop]

I want her to view me less as a friend and more as someone she hurt with her actions.

 

I happen to agree with this.

 

While I don't think that the injured party should ever beat the proverbial horse with it, at some juncture it's important for the injurer to be made crystal clear about the injury. Not with expectation of result, I don't mean that. It's all about clarity with each other, which should be paramount.

When a one-shot, one-time way presents itself to make it clear, it should be made clear.

[iceisles]

I'm sorry to say that I had a rough time this holiday, bordering on a mental meltdown. This was my fault, though, because I temporarily suspended NC to open up a final window of opportunity for her during the holidays. Despite some nice e-mails, a Christmas card, and two small gifts, my ex ignored me like I didn't exist. I was VERY hurt that she didn't call to say Merry Christmas or thank me for the gifts, but what did I expect? Maybe I thought the spirit of Christmas would make her want to reconcile and work on a friendship. Man, was I wrong. How could I have been so stupid? Oh, well. I know I am strong enough to go back to NC, which is what I'm doing again. It's not like I didn't try to put our differences aside in the spirit of the season. Maybe one day she will reflect on just how poorly she treated me this holiday.

 

Moral of the story: Stick to NC. It's tried and true, and it works when executed as outlined in this guide. Don't be an idiot like me and think that you can hit the "pause" button and that somehow everything will be fixed. NC means NC, and for those who doubt it, take it from me - it will work. In time, this will help you heal and move on. Next Christmas, I will be stronger and not let my emotions trick me into believing that suspending NC will do any good.

[lost_in_chgo]

Next Christmas, I....

 

I hope it doesn't come to that.

[lost_in_chgo]

OK, been trading emails with the ex back and forth about her work (my former work).

 

I mentioned during our emails that I was going on vacation to see my folks for a week and then to town near there and then back to the folks. She knows that the girl I dated before her for several years lives there. She didn't make any comment about that.

 

At some point she got worried that I might quote her on some of the things she is saying about her boss.

So she threatened not to talk to me about this stuff anymore if I say anything.

 

It's a parental disease that causes otherwise normal adults to treat other adults like children. They fall back to the methods that work on their kids. Anyway... Being treated like a four yr old pissed me off a bit.

 

So I told her if she didn't want to talk about it, don't, it doesn't matter to me. Made some other comments about the work issues and sent off the email.

 

No contact since then.