The Lost Guide To No Contact, V3

[iceisles]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

ok.

my experience is that she wont think about it at all for awhile until something makes her stop and think.

In my case it was when someone brings my name up or when there is talk about hiring me at her work.

Then she needs to face things so she tries to reach out and make up a bit.

 

She's nowhere near ready to reconcile. That was four months ago.

 

I'm almost positive that my ex will want to reconcile at some point. She does have a viable conscience and knows that I was really good to her, even if there were areas in our relationship that needed improvement. I'm sure she thinks about me everyday, but I don't expect a serious heart to heart conversation anytime soon. Right now she thinks I want to remain close friends, and I am working on the limited contact thing to send a message that the next discussion we have needs to involve unresolved issues. She also needs to realize that I am moving on with my life while she continues to utilize this "space" she requested. I will be ready for a mature conversation when she is, but in the meantime I'm not going to let her control my emotions.

[mr.jon]

Icesles,

 

I hadn't seen my ex all summer, and had only talked to her a few times in that period of time. When she phoned or e-mailed she just wanted to talk as if we were friends and wouldn't talk about us.

 

So I did what was right for me and didn't return her calls or e-mails

 

When I saw her accidentally on campus a few weeks ago and because of te space I was ready to try to be her friend, and it was great.

 

We just talked and she apologised for the way she had treated me because the space gave her something to think about.

 

If you don't feel like talking to her as a friend don't.

 

But remember that if she really didn't care she wouldn't be calling you in the first place.

 

A sidenote to my story -

A few days later she said she wanted to try going out again, but wanted to take things slow, well after making out and seeing each other 6 times that week, she changed her mind and broke my heart all over again.

 

A few days later she wanted to go to lunch, and I had no problem saying I really don't want to see you at all right now and walked away.

 

She's messaged me a few times on MSN, but because of what she did I'm not responding for awhile.

 

Don't be a dick, but don't act in any way you don't want too. If she doesn't realize her mistakes then she wasn't worth it in the first place.

[lost_in_chgo]

I'm sure she thinks about me everyday, but I don't expect a serious heart to heart conversation anytime soon. Right now she thinks I want to remain close friends,

 

ok. I feel the same in my case, though I doubt she thinks about me everyday. When she starts to I will get a call. I do feel that she is healing from her divorce still and that she will be able to deal with us when she does.

 

I told her straight up that I wasn't her girlfriend and that I wouldn't let her treat me that way. Strong is better I think, though it does leave you separated from her. Just don't count on a short ride, it may be a long while.

[lost_in_chgo]

Jon-

Well said, but harder to live by and with.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by mr.jon

But remember that if she really didn't care she wouldn't be calling you in the first place.

 

I'd like to believe that, but she could be calling just to keep me around as a safety net. I want to believe that she cares, but it's often hard to make out someone's feelings when they won't express them.

[lost_in_chgo]

In our last episode....

hell it's been so long I don't remember.

 

OK had a birthday recently.

Not quite as bad as that last one.

Dedicated viewers will remember that my ex dumped my prior to my 40th b-day.

Needless to say a time of great stress.

 

On again off again contact....

Last word she was asking how I like my new job, which I took as a good sign as it was the first time she asked about how I was doing. She asked who I talked to at her work. Asked about one guy there in particular (mutual friend) and talked about his girlfriend. Said it looked like I was never coming back to work there.

 

Then I realized shortly after hanging up with her that she was probably establishing clearance so that she could date someone at work and was concerned I might be coming back there (there was an offer on the table for short term work, but I declined).

 

Since them, no one from there has spoken to me. Those who called me regularly on holidays stopped. Those who called on my birthday the last several years didn't. So I guess that theory was right and the so called friends I had there aren't weren't whatever.

 

My buddy at work mentioned my birthday to a girl there and she made a point of wishing me happy birthday.

Aside from the family, she's the only one. Hmmm...

 

And then there came a belated b-day wish from my prior ex (2.5 yrs ago).

And a promise of a followup email, which has yet to arrive.

Hmmm....

 

 

From the ex?

nothing. But I didn't expect it. I didn't send her one on hers and based on her getting clearance the last time we talked I figure 3-6 months before we'd talk again. She wasn't anywhere near ready to deal with me.

 

 

Bradford gets fired.

Life goes on.

Indiana wants me.

Business is slow.

Pamela gets fired.

About to lose my job - maybe - it depends on quarterly profits and managerial greed. (bonus is king)

Car breaks down.

Lot's of people fired. :|

Folks sold the house I grew up in.

Take me home to the place I belong.

Fixing up my house getting ready to sell it. Paint makes all the difference.

A friendly girl at work reminds me of an old girlfriend.

Cable company is a pain in the ass.

New house.

Winter is upon us.

 

And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun

And he lost a friend but kept his memory...

[lost_in_chgo]

Five months....

Ok, enuf is enuf.

 

I'm kinda out of my mind lately because I moved closer to her (10min instead of 30min) and into a larger house (w/ room for her and her kids) and it gets pretty lonely here.

 

I emailed her today and asked her how she's doing, gave her a mini update on my life and asked her to let me know how she's doing.

 

Also talked to her (an my former) coworker who told me she was not dating anyone there, and hadn't. So the working theory is that she was asking because the guy she was talking about was encouraging her to go out with me and she thought I was putting him up to it?

 

Anyway..

 

If I'm the right guy at the wrong time, as I think I am. I'm just hoping that the right time comes along now.

 

Kit are you out there? How goes things?

[smile]

If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back. They may decide that they can't return because they were with someone else and won't be welcome.

 

Ok so my ex started contacting me out of the blue, three months after we had last been intimate. The more disinterested I seemed the more persistent he got. We started talking on the computer and the phone and now we are up to talking 3 times a day. He calls on his breaks and lunches and any general downtime, just to chat.

 

He had been honest about so much .. just open about what happened to our relationship. He started to tell me things he was afraid I would be angry to hear.. about girls he was with before me. I listened and accepted .. he seemed so shocked but appreciative. The reason we broke up is because I was jealous and never wanted to hear about his life before me.. I was in the midst of a depression so I made him my security blanket and he basically folded under pressure.

 

Anyway the other day he told me he was still seeing the girl he started seeing a week after we stopped being intimate. But she lives far away. I was kind of angry because I felt used in a way.. and he called me and apologized and cried. He said he isnt sure what he wants.

 

He isnt sure how serious his relationship with her is. I gave him advice to ask her and concentrate on her and he was thankful but said it was too weird to talk to me about it. He said he cant stop thinking about me.

 

Before I knew about her still being in the picture we had phone sex and stuff. But now I said that has to stop. Thinking he would no longer want to talk to me.

 

The next day he called twice from work and came over for dinner. We talked for hours and he seemed reluctant to leave. He called me again two days later just to say hi.

 

Now do you think this might be him realizing what I mean to him? Having been with someone else and now he is thinking "wow my exgf is more amazing and unique than I ever realized"? Or do you think he is just using me?

 

By the way you seem like such an intelligent and great guy. I hope you can see how much insight and direction you have given to so many here on this board.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sure he sounds interested.

Don't sleep with him and keep him at a little distance.

Stay a little disinterested.

 

If he's going to come around, he will, but not if you are letting him use you.

 

 

By the way you seem like such an intelligent and great guy. I hope you can see how much insight and direction you have given to so many here on this board.

 

Too bad I don't feel that way. I make a bad first impression and am unable to correct that somehow. So the result is that I have few options and that is maybe why I hang on to the idea of my ex when everyone around me is saying I'm better off. Am I misleading everyone here? I'm sure I will feel differently if she does return, but right now I am really lost.

 

I've been preaching no contact I guess, because it seems that my attempts to woo her back pushed her further away. But there does come a time when you just have to reach out and say hi.

[mandrews1119]

Hey,

 

What's up? I haven't been here in a LOOOONG time. And what do I see when I come back? More wisdom from Lost. As usual my friend, your post is full of truth, wisdom and damned good common sense!! I was so relieved. Myself, I have been practicing no contact for a good while. I slipped and sent a birthday card, and got summarily blasted for being arrogant. I was upset at first, then I realized she wasn't over the pain, despite her assertions to the contrary. Obviously not time for any type of communication. She has, however, contacted MY sister a few months ago with a story about how her Mother (yeah, right!) was thinking of me. I have been focusing on my new job, and trying to continue working on getting things more together in my own life, so that is where the energies go for now. If she ever stops the anger perhaps we can talk. I wish her the best, but I refuse to be the object of derision, or foil for her anger. You only hurt/hate/etc. as much as you love. I am still a firm believer in love never dying, but it is what we do with it that counts. Lost, glad to see you are still here, it certainly made me feel back at home on LS. Mandrews out.

[lost_in_chgo]

Hi MA,

 

Great, she's still thinking of you.

Time will tell for this bunch of misfits I guess.

 

Kit still has to check in. Hopefully he's been in bed with his ex this whole time and unable to get to the computer....

 

 

 

update follows...

[lost_in_chgo]

So..

 

talked to another coworker. One who likes both me and the ex and hopes things will work out so that we're both happy. (as do I).

 

She said that the ex is hungup on some guy from out of state she chats with online and that they've flown back and forth to visit each other. He's single. She's got 5 kids. they are the same age. He'll last about ten minutes if he actually moves up here. I think that he's just trying to line up some action for after the relocation, but that's just wishful thinking.

 

Talked to my mother today and she told me she waited about 3 yrs after my folks got divorced to start dating and dated for 5 yrs before settling down (ouch). And that a friend of hers had been chain dating guy after guy for going on 15 yrs now (triple ouch).

 

So who knows what all comes of this, but the coworker did offer to let me know if things changed in my direction and even took my phone number. Interesting.

 

She also said, maybe dating someone else and letting her hear about it will snap her to attention. Hmmm. Heard it before, but it may happen sooner or later.

 

Meanwhile I go slowly insane.

 

Why is it when I talk to another girl I think of my ex? Do I feel like I am betraying her? Am I completely loopy?

 

What happen to all those anti 2nd chance rebels out there and why don't they stomp on me?

[lost_in_chgo]

Hawks are supposed to be an omen of an encounter with a powerful opponent.

The last day my ex and I spoke, a hawk swooped low thru my yard above my head as I come out to my car. I've never seen a hawk there or within miles in the ten years i've lived here.

 

The point is that we notice the unusual and try to find meaning in it.

Is it a sign given to you by someone? by your own subconscious? by the earth?

Does it matter where it comes from?

 

I posted that back in February in another thread.

Sunday, shortly after I sent the email to my ex, I went back to sleep. I awoke a short time later and was looking out the window when I saw a hawk fly straight at my and swoop above the house.

 

Then the shrill cry of a hawk.

 

Then two hawks whirling in flight around each other come back into view.

The hawks circled lower and then up out of site and as they did a flock of ducks flew past behind them in the distance.

 

So, I decide, let's look this one up.

 

"If Hawk were to magically cry it was

sign to beware or be aware. This could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."

http://peacefulrivers.homestead.com/animalcard02.html

 

"To see ducks flying in your dream is an omen of good luck pertaining to your marriage and/or your family." http://www.dhyansanjivani.org/d_dream.asp

 

So, as omens go, not a bad one I think.

 

New house. First hawk sighting.

[lost_in_chgo]

God, what am I getting myself into?

 

So she's got 5 kids.

She's cute, petite, smart, emotionally captivates me, fits with me well, and wants nothing to do with me.

 

She hasn't replied to my email, but she said she wants to be friends.

 

In my talk with the coworker, she reiterated the idea of socio-economic differences, which I've detailed elsewhere, but after some prompting, termed it moral differences. She was quick to say that she didn't mean slutty, but rather our ideas of what constituted commitment were different.

 

Her's (my ex I mean) were that if I really cared, I'd be at her side 24 hours a day or as often as possible. Mine were that being there would be bad for her kids this soon after the divorce. Her's were that I should always accept her attentions. Mine were that she shouldn't try to avoid discussing important issues by jumping in my lap. (I pushed her off). Both of these were sited as reasons at the breakup.

 

So is the girl a nut job? or just a frantic divorcee?

 

Should I be counting my blessings and locking that door?

 

 

C'mon, trot out the opinions and line 'em up here.

[mischafan160]

I would just like to say that I already had come up with the idea of "no contact" on my own, and after finding this board I am very pleased to see that I was right! It's been about six weeks and and he calls me every couple days. You really do feel triumphant and especially after being dumped, no contact gives you your dignity back.

 

Also I would like to add, I love all you people, it is so comforting to know that others are going through the same thing as me.

[TylerZ]

Lost....dude...there is nothing wrong with you. You have to look back and remember how much your hurt after each break up, but you DID move on, and found someone else and was happy again. So you have to look at this latest break up as a new beginning. You have to let go of this dumb woman that really has nothing to offer. It seems as though you feel you can't find any better, but you seem like an accomplished guy with a lot to offer. There are other Hot, smart, fun women out there. And I guarantee that more than one of them out there will be wanting to jump you in bed!!! Don't let your self-esteem get the best of you.

[lost_in_chgo]

Hey Tyler,

thanks for the comments, keep em coming...

 

I really don't feel like I've lost self esteem, but I am being somewhat realistic here.

(Or did you mean that my self esteem is too high?)

 

It's been over a year and I've not found anyone that interests me at the same level.

Sure there are some attractive women where I worked, but I have this block that just prevents me from dating someone I don't know at all. Imagine if you will how that complicates things.

 

On top of that, no one in my family and none of my very small circle know anyone that would be a good fit for me.

I look at the Yahoo personals and find no one.

 

It's terribly aggravating. And it isn't by choice.

I've had times in my life where I've gone 3 years w/o a date, Forced myself to start asking girls out, got rejected alot, kept trying, went to a few lunches and never followed up because they just didn't interest me.

 

This time around I just can't get to the point of trying because I immediately think of my ex.

It's insane. What the hell do I want all that baggage and her kids etc..

 

But that's how it is.

 

Now I have been talking to my previous ex alot. She's great, but she did the same thing. Just up and Poof!.

But in her case, I know it was well thought out and that once she did that she wasn't coming back. Well I've had somewhat of an insightful year, and she knows all about it. But she's involved now and when she is involved, she gives it her all. So I know until they are done, she wont consider anything. If that happens, I know that she is one girl that I can trust 110% for as long as we are together. She's also intellectually very challenging and a good match for me.

 

My ex, on the other hand is flighty, insecure and emotionally very appealing to me. She's also in the same field as me, which makes it really easy to relate to her. But primarily this is a pure emotional roller coaster type thing.

 

But either way they aren't here.

But then no one else is either.

[lost_in_chgo]

My ex is currently in an LDR.

 

She emailed she said she wanted to be friends, talked to me all day, but didn't followup on that.

Then she emailed about some work stuff a few months later, chatted with me all day, and again no followup.

We didn't discuss our relationship at all either time.

 

I emailed her last weekend to say how and how are you and got no reply.

Should I try to reach out again via IM, or email or just let it sit?

[tokyo]

Ok, I have just been reading as far as now, but I now I feel the need to intervene. Your ex is in a LDR? You should stop talking to her is she´s having somenone else. It doesn´t make sense I guess. You´ll never be her friend and if you stay she´ll lose respect for you. You can´t expect her to break up for you. And would you want this at all?

[lost_in_chgo]

uh, yeah.

 

She's about a year out of her divorce. And she broke up with me at that time. We'd been dating for about 7 months and have known/worked together for years prior. So yes, I do want that.

 

My hangup has been that the first thing EVERYONE said to me when I explained the situation to them and told them she was finalizing her divorce is that she needed some single time because she had been married since she was 17 and had never had a life. That I should give her time.

 

OK, well my stepfather said she's a bad idea because of the kids, but that's a financial analysis. And one of our coworkers said I made a huge mistake and she wasn't worth the effort becuase she's a flake. And our old boss asked me if I was sure a few times. But other than that....

 

Everyone said a year maybe two, maybe longer before she got her head on straight.

You read the Divorce SourceBook and it says the same thing.

 

My question is not about whether or not she will come around, or how long or any of that really. It's just what is the best way to handle her? She's obviously got problems dealing with me, but when she does it's intense and then gone. Like a light switch on and off. I don't have knowledge of what is going on in her life to try to figure out what other factors are involved.

 

I also don't have any way to accidently run into her without stalking her, so that, you'll bump into sometime and she'll see how good you are doing stuff isn't applicable. I have to reach out periodically. I'm trying to do that in as low impact a way as possible and I don't want her to feel pressured. Though perhaps my very existence is some sort of pressure at this point.

 

Maybe I've answered my own question.

 

I added her back to my buddy list this morning. And she should get a msg to accept that by the system, so that's another step.

 

All I'm trying to do right now is get her to accept a friendship so she can be comfortable around me again.

[tokyo]

Which doesn´t really answer the question. Does it mean she´s in a relationship already?

[lost_in_chgo]

Well, from what I understand it's an online romance thing and they've flown back and forth to visit each other a few times. He's planning on relocating here (or says he is anyway). I don't have specifics.

 

But she's dated several guys over the last year. As expected.

 

If your point is that once she's seeing someone else, there's no chance, well that may or may not be true. The divorce thing makes it kinda different from a normal dating scenario and she has the kids, which limit the number of guys that will go for her. She's also the marrying kind (or was anyway) so I feel that she will look to settle down once she finds out what's out there and gets a little experience. Each case is unique anyway.

 

So again, assuming that I want to leave the door open for her, I'm looking for suggestions on how to go about contacting or not contacting her.

[lost_in_chgo]

Hmmm....

 

Got a reply from the ex after 2.5 weeks.

All about work again.

[tokyo]

You know, are you sure that you really really want her, her as a person, or are you are project your hopes, whatever they may be, on her? What would you put on a list of things that you like about her?

[lost_in_chgo]

sure. and I've done that exercise.

 

The big negative nowadays is if she'll run again.