How to take it easy and not ruin things? Ideas please.

[Hopeoverexperience]

Background: I'm 30 and have had three long term relationships that didn't work out for a number of reasons. The last ended six months ago - completely unexpectedly and it hurt like hell. Since then I've had one short fling (with someone I obviously liked but knew wasn't right for me) that ended mutually and amicably. I have a good life, good friends and am probably more content with life and myself than I've ever been. I'm happy alone but do feel ready to move on and would like to finally meet Mr Right rather than just Mr Right Now.

 

The problem: I've met a new man that I'm very keen on. He seems to be equally keen on me but we've only had two dates so it's far too early to be having serious conversations. I'm not coping well with the ambiguity of the situation (it's not even a 'relationship' at this stage!) and it's starting to make me behave irrationally and completely out of character. I can't concentrate, my appetite's gone to pot and I'm not sleeping properly. The only time I can relax is drinking and don't need to be told that alcohol isn't the answer - I know and I'm stopping.

 

I feel like a teenager. I feel scared, I don't feel in control and I don't think I like it. Last night I came close to going where I knew he'd be, even though I wasn't invited and knew it was a particularly bad idea to turn up like that. Fortunatelym a friend talked me out of it.

 

I just want to understand why I seem determined to sabotage something that's going well. Is it just control freakery? Or has the bad end to my previous relationship left me scarred? Have I not felt like this in the past because I wasn't that bothered about the outcome and so not putting so much pressure on things? Any alternative interpretations you can think of?

 

Perhaps I just overanalyse???? ) Certainly feels like I'm approaching Woody Allen type levels of neurosis.

[StartingAgain]

Stop. Look. Listen. You are moving way too fast. You are not ready for a relationship. Your body and mind are trying to tell you this. If you like this man - and you should be able to tell at least a bit about whether or not he might be Mr. Right after two dates - it's time to have a serious discussion with him. Tell him your background and ask him if the two of you can keep things on the light side for awhile. There is no reason why the two of you cannot go forward with a set of ground rules. What's wrong with just dating, hanging out, and having a little fun for a few months? Why not try being friends with this man? You just never know; maybe if you are his friend first (as oppsed to his girlfriend), you may just lay the groundwork for a great relationship. Once you are more comfortable, the problems you are experiencing should subside quickly. If they don't, there's something else going on with you and you need to get some professional help.

 

BTW, three long term relationships by age 30 (you don't say when the first one occurred) itself requires some honest examination on your part. Three in so short a period of time isn't normal. I'm 47and entered into my first long term relationship when I was 23. I've only had two in those 24 years; one lasted 13 years, the other eight. Now am very carefully examining myself to figure out what I did wrong to contribute to the failure of them. I will not set myself up for another failure, but I can only do this by fixing myself.

[moimeme]

Once you are more comfortable, the problems you are experiencing should subside quickly. If they don't, there's something else going on with you and you need to get some professional help.

 

I think that's a little drastic. I don't think craving someone is unique to women, but it certainly is common among them. Face it, if we like ya, we WANT ya. Many of us have to battle that down to acceptable levels because it simply won't do to fling oneself at a fellow and clutch him for dear life, even though most of the molecules in us want us to do just that.

 

Hope, just keep lecturing yourself soundly. Impress upon yourself that acting on those wishes will ruin your chances entirely. Force yourself to be smart about this and to stifle all that craving. It can be done with a bit of work and willpower.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the three relationships, either. Sometimes we have to get into situations to realize what we don't want to get into ever again. I imagine you're becoming more cautious as time goes on.

SO is right about taking it slow.

[crrgoers]

First off, it sounds like you may want to see if he's even open to a relationship. Some people just want to be friends, and that's it. Thus, you may want to say something like, "I like to take things very slowly, and I realize that this may not go anywhere. However, I want to make sure that you are open to having a relationship somewhere down the line..." You don't want to spend all your time with a man who never wanted a relationship to begin with... Good Luck

[StartingAgain]

We all get the flutters and experience a bit of insomnia, loss of appetite and obsessional thinking when we are strongly attracted to someone. This is normal and feels fantastic. But it isn't feeling fantastic to HOE; she's clearly uncomfortable with her response thus far. Never, ever ignore this. Moreover, she states she can only relax by using alcohol. This is called self-medication; another warning sign. The first order of business it to identify why she is so uncomfotable.

 

I do agree with MM's advice to continue lecturing yourself and stiffle the cravings.

 

And MM, as you discussed in another thread, I'm of an age where I was conditioned to believe that entering into a committed relationship is done with a mindset that it's forever. I think my way is best. I work with a lot of 30-somethings who have moved from LTR to LTR and it's obvious that there is no real committment in their relationships. It's kind of like playing house, and it all falls apart at the first sign of trouble. It's incredible how jaded they are about love and relationships.

[moimeme]

entering into a committed relationship is done with a mindset that it's forever.

 

I agree. However, to assume that everyone who has had several LTRs is the sort of people you've been dealing with is a mistake, IMHO.

 

It's kind of like playing house, and it all falls apart at the first sign of trouble.

 

Sometimes. Or sometimes people think they know what they are getting into and fully intend to commit, only to find they have made exceedingly unwise choices - for instance people on LS who have found themselves with cheaters, abusive people, etc. I, myself, fully intended to remain committed to my recent ex. Turns out that I made an unwise choice in overmuch haste and discovered some serious difficulties afterward. I agree that some folks do have a mindset to quit if it gets a little rough, but that's not necessarily the majority. Without knowing this poster's past, I'd suggest it's best not to jump to conclusions.

 

If you have figured out the magic formula to test someone to determine whether that person genuinely means to remain committed to you and will be able to do so, please send me some!!! I'll put it on the market and make a million

[Hopeoverexperience]

OK, a chronology:

 

1. Got engaged at 17, realised I was too young at about 20 and had made a mistake making such an early commitment, called it off aged 22. I tried. I waited and hoped I'd change my mind. I certainly didn't run away at the first sign of trouble. Most importantly I think, I didn't ruin the poor man's life by marrying him even though I knew it wasn't right for me at that early stage in my life.

 

2. Feeling horribly guilty about all the upset I'd caused my ex fiance when I called it off, I got involved in what turned out to be a fairly emotionally abusive relationship which lasted for 4 years in my late twenties. Finally, dragged myself out of that when it started to make me physically ill. Again, I had tried and tried to make it work. It couldn't.

 

3. About 18 months after that I met a man who seemed to be perfect for me. I loved him. I trusted him. We began planning a future together. It felt so so right. After six months, and without warning, he went out one day and never came back. In retrospect, I failed to exercise proper caution on that one. His motives for being with me, it seems, were less than pure.

 

Hopefully, this makes it clearer. I think the clue's in the name Hope Over Experience. I entered into every relationship (the first when I was seventeen and convinced I'd found the love of my life) with a complete commitment to this one being 'the' one. But life changes and people change. Perhaps if I had my time all over again, I'd decide not to become romantically entagled until I was 30 and had time to grow up and really get to know myself first. But I'm not going to get that chance.

 

Crrgoers - I do like you're advice. I think more than anything I'm scared of setting myself up for another romantic fall. It feels like I've had enough already.

 

Thought the mention of alcohol would prompt a response. It is indeed self-medication but not everyone who drinks to relax is an alcoholic (and don't most people who drink, drink to relax - what other point is there?). I not a puritan - I don't know whether the poster is - but where I live, a couple of glasses of wine isn't classed as alcohol abuse although that doesn't mean to say I think it's a great idea to drink through problems. If I did, I wouldn't bother posting here. I'd just get drunk.

 

I like the quote I saw here sometime ago - a grown up with no baggage, just hasn't travelled. I've travelled and it's made me the person I am and I'm not unhappy with that person. It's just that I have normal human emotions. Let's face it we're not naturally solitary creatures and wanting to give & receive love surely isn't a weakness?

 

Hope

[Hopeoverexperience]

Have realised why I so completely freaked out - PMT.

 

Que sera sera and all that. Will take it easy until at least the same time next month!

 

Thanks anyway!!!

[moimeme]

I think every woman should put warnings into her calendar alarm system to pop up every day during PMS and remind her that the world may suddenly look bleak and that PMS is the culprit!

[crrgoers]

what do you mean that he went out one day and never came back?

[Hopeoverexperience]

Long story and not one I particularly enjoy repeating but here goes... Met him as he was splitting up with his ex, the mother of his 14 month old daughter. He moved in with me pretty much straight away. In retrospect, I was so convenient and accommodating that he'd have been a fool not to. We had a halcyon summer and I thought that everything was perfect. Of course it wasn't, one day he went out and never came back. I had to phone his ex to find out that they'd decided to give it another go. Although I guess I should have seen it coming, I was devestated.

 

Ironically, he's now calling me to say that they've now split up for good and would I like to meet up with him. Well, let me think for all of a second. Erm, definitely, resolutely and absolutely NOT.