My Abuse Story (SUPER LONG!)

[superstaroxox]

When I was younger, I enjoyed thrill. I always looked for a man who was a bad boy. I had kinda been through some harmful situations and it was important I had someone who would always protect me. I also thought it was "romantic" for men to have a jealous side, and want a woman all to himself. I was dysfunctional, for sure. So when I met Matt at 17, it was love at first sight. He was a gang member, had tattoos all over including on his face, and had spent the majority of his life in a high-security prison. I know how ridiculous it must sound now that I actally liked this guy, but I did. I fell for him hard. He was 23 when I met him, and he fell just as hard for me. He didn't have a job, and was living with his brother and current gf. When he met me, he dropped his other girlfriend that he was living off of just like that and replaced her with me. He actually treated me great at first. Was patient for sex. Took me out and spent all his money on me WHEN he had some. Held doors open for me. Told me he loved me more than anything in the world. Wanted to start a family with me. Promised to get his life together so we could do so. The sex was amazing and passionate. I was so wrapped up in his promises and his dedication for me. I felt so loved, needed, and wanted. We confessed all our darkest secrets to each other. We were each other's best friends. He did have a jealous side, but so did I. He didn't show it AS much at first, but made it clear he did not want me hanging out with guys. I didn't want him hanging out with girls, either. Then, he went to prison again. I was devastated, felt like I couldn't survive without him. It was then that I realized how much I loved him and wanted him in my life. He had always told me he needed me which made me feel I needed him as well. Anyhow, when I went to visit him for the first time he looked horrible and depressed. He had said he couldn't sleep without me, eat, or anything. I felt the same. He brought up that we probably wouldn't be able to exchange letters back and forth (it had something to do with his case) and the only reason we'd be able to was if we got married. I reluctantly agreed. There was really no proposal, just a "Will you marry me?" We married in jail. We both cried and were very happy, but I went home without him. I bought my own ring, he insisted I get one so everyone knew I was married. I got his name tattooed on my heart because I was so wrapped up in my obsession for him. While he was in prison, we wrote EVERY day. His letters were so loving and sweet. But he started telling me things like he would kill himself if I ever left him and that he needed me so badly. His jealous side started to get worse. He didn't want me to hang out with ANYONE, and I didn't the whole 8 months he was away. Once, I saw a guy I knew at school, and he gave me a hug. When I got home, I felt HORRIBLY guilty about it. I knew how much Matt would be hurt, and I rushed home to write him about it. He was hurt, but not angry, just told me to not do it again. Another time, a guy at work was kinda bugging me with some sexual remarks. I told Matt about it the next time I saw him, and he told me I needed to tell my manager. I really didn't want to, but told him I would. I didn't feel the situation was really that bad, I just felt the guy was kinda flirting with me. The next time I saw Matt, he asked if I told my manager. I said no, and he started crying and was very hurt. I promised to tell my manager when I saw how hurt he was, and I did although I still didn't want to. Anyhow, Matt's neediness for me during the time he was in jail was intense. But I just figured he loved me so much, and I honestly believed I'd die without him as well. I was completely depressed during these months, and he told me it was just because we missed each other. But it was more than that - I didn't want to do anything and my body would ache all the time from anxiety. When Matt came home, it was an amazing day. We were both ecstatic. But I quickly realized that life wasn't the fairy tale I had imagined. We moved in with his grandparents. I was the only one working a minimum-wage job and we couldn't afford our own place. Matt was different. It felt like he shut me out and closed off his feelings instead of talking about them like we used to. We started arguing. Everytime I'd tell him there was something not right, that it wasn't supposed to be this way, he would act like everything was completely fine. I would fall asleep crying most nights. His jealousy was worse - if I would tell him that someone said I was pretty at work, he'd ask me what I said back. If I said thanks, it meant I liked the compliment. If I said okay, I should have been mean. He told me he wanted me to be rude to any guy who ever gave me some sort of attention. He didn't want me talking to any guys, even co-workers. And one day, he told me if I ever cheated on him, he would kill me. He even told me one time he would burn off my face so I wouldn't be pretty anymore. I think I sort of blocked that one out since I tried to convince myself otherwise cuz I don't remember it much, but I remember him saying it. I was extremely bothered, but I didn't show it. I grew extremely depressed and started to not know who I was anymore. I had no friends. He told me tell my family that I couldn't see them unless Matt was allowed over at there house (they did not like him at all). He said it wouldn't be fair if I continued to see them when they did not accept our relationship. He didn't really compliment me much at all anymore at this point like he used to. The sex became okay at best, and he wouldn't want to do it a lot. He pressured me so much into anal sex, and I wanted to please him so badly, that I finally gave in. It hurt SO bad. The first few times, I was just crying and couldn't do it. He got angry with me and said I was acting like he was raping me. I tried again, and it still hurt so bad. We used to do some pretty kinky things, and I was handcuffed to the bed. Well, he got so angry with me he yelled at me and threw a blanket on top of me and left me handcuffed to the bed for a couple minutes. I asked him to unchain me and he wouldn't for those couple minutes. When he did, I told him to leave and fell asleep crying. Life was going pretty bad, and I was just in this horrible state of depression. I wasn't that same girl anymore - the happy one who had so much life in her! But I didn't realize yet that Matt was the one causing my unhappiness. I got pregnant, and we were very happy. But that didn't stop the arguments, and they got worse. Matt would scream and grow so angry he would scare the crap out of me! He threw our phone at the wall twice, once almost hitting me with it, and broke them. He broke other things when he was mad, too. The one thing was that he never called me a bad word. I'm sure he called me other things, but never like a B**** or anything. I had a miscarriage, probably from all the stress of the situation. He was very sad and so was I. It was so odd because sometimes he would show that person that I fell in love with to me, and he would still tell me he needed me and loved me so much and would die for me, and always said we were soulmates. He said he trusted me and he was there when I really needed him, and at times he would show a very gentle and sensitive side to me. I always held on to that side of him and was always convinced that's the person he was deep down, and sooner or later he would come back. I continued to suffer through depression, but there was something new. I began to experience extreme anxiety and panic attacks and horrible recurring thoughts of him hurting/killing me or my family. They were persistant and would never go away. We ended up moving into our own place with his brother, which was a disaster. He continued to put me down at times, I remember a time where some guy cut us off on the freeway and he started chasing him on the freeway going very fast, I got scared and started crying telling him to stop and he freaked out and started yelling at me, saying I was so scared of everything. I was depressed all day and he knew how bad he hurt me, but later on that day when he picked me back up from school he flipped out on me again and screamed at me for not knowing where he was supposed to turn. He was always very apologetic afterwards and never understood why I would sometimes stay upset. Sometimes, he would even take his anger out on our two puppies and yell at them and smacked them a couple times. I continued to be the only one working and completely supporting us both. He had looked for a job here and there but never got one, and I always had to tell him to look for one or tell him to follow through with a phone call. He'd rarely do it on his own. He started selling drugs for a little cash and started hanging out with some really weird people. I didn't like it but I mostly kept that to myself. He would do things that he would absolutely FLIP if I did, like went into our shed to smoke with some girl. He justified it by saying he told me before he did it, and I didn't say anything. We started becoming very behind on our rent, and so we got a roommate. By this time my obsessive thoughts were completely controlling my life. I CONSTANTLY obsessed about him hurting me/my family/our pets, about him cheating or thinking another girl was attractive, and even completely irrational things that made me believe I was going crazy. I tried talking to him about it but he told me I was fine at first, but did understand more later and helped me with it a little. Well, I do admit I was downrght jealous if he would talk to our roommate. I felt like there were times he would leave me out of the conversation and go into the other room as if I wasn't there. I also didn't think it was fair because he never wanted me to talk to any guys. This caused many screaming matches but I learned to deal with it a little more. I do admit I gave him a lot of crap and bugged him about her a lot, asking if she tried to hit on him, calling him a lot while he was home with her, and so on. But I did get better. Well, one day some people came to our house in the middle of the night and stood outside with what looked like guns. It was horrible and terrifying. He helped me hide in the closet and I called 911. Fortunately the police came before anything happened. Matt said that they were some people that had heard he was selling drugs and wanted to rob him, but I felt there was more to the story and he was selling more than just marijuana. It was horrible - we had to just get up and leave our home and everything in it. We had to break our lease. I honestly wanted Matt to go get our things at least but he said it would be dangerous. He wanted to have animal control pick up our puppies, but I couldn't bear that and was more than willing to go pick them up. I didn't want to get bad credit and leave all my belongings, but he said I could NOT go back. My parents ended up getting our puppies and some of my belongings, but we ended up having to give our pets to another home. I was devastated and depressed, and terrified by what had happened. By this time I had started to smarten up. I realized how I deserved to be treated more and although I didn't want to admit it to myself, I realized that I couldn't be with this person forever. That I didn't need him, and that no matter how much I loved him, he was bringing me down a whole lot. He apologized for telling me he would ever hurt me and assured me it would never happen again. He seemed very apologetic and even cried about it, saying he grew up in a home where that's how his parent's relationship was. I accepted his apology but still could not get rid of the thought always eating away at me. He started being less controlling about me interacting with guys at work, as long as it was just small talk and never anythng about my personal life. I even gained a few friends, but he absolutely hated one friend I made. She was married as well, but she had an on and off again relationship with her husband. He called her a wh*** and said that she didn't love her husband and he didn't want me hanging out with her. Everytime I talked to her on the phone he would listen closely. One time he got angry with me because she said she deleted her Facebook because her husband wanted her to, and I laughed. He said I was basically saying it was funny that she had bad things on her Facebook. He would get angry anytime she brought up a guy from work. Everything she did he picked apart. I had to fight and fight with him to remain her friend. When we hung out, he went online to look up what time the movie we were seeing ended. When I called him 10 minutes later he freaked out, saying I was with some guys. He slowly got better, but I had to live always on-guard. I never wanted to do anything to make him mad, because honestly I was scared of him. Our fights got horrible and intense. We would both scream and act completely dramatic. He would grab a bottle of pills and act like he was going to swallow them, even liften them up to his mouth, before I pried them out of his hands. He'd hit his head on walls. He would start driving extremely crazy and fast. And I would do some of the same things at times after I saw the way it got my attention. This time, I didn't hold back like I used to. I would call him names, tell him he was stupid and a loser. And I started hitting him at times, which I am not proud of at all. I did do things I'm not proud of, such as get paranoid he was cheating on me when I'm sure he wasn't, and accuse him. He would tell me he was going to kill my friend, and scare the crap out of me on many occasions. He would try to jump out of the car and tell me he's going to kill someone or rob a bank. He would even grab the gun that we owned at times and start acting like he was heading outside with it until I freaked out crying. I didn't want to believe he was this scary person, but inside I knew he was. I absolutely loved one side of him, but I couldn't do it anymore. I finally left him, the hardest thing I ever did in my life and something I NEVER thought I could do. First, I just moved to my mom's and decided we were going to take a break. I told him I needed my space but he wouldn't give it to me. He freaked out when I left and seemed to go completely crazy. He would text me at all hours of the night to the point where he started not making any sense. Once I called and he accidentally answered his phone, he was having a conversation with some people and I made out that he was in a car on his way to get some drugs (speed). I freaked out and started screaming and crying for him to stop and not do it. Well, he heard me and supposedly went home right away. It got to the point where I completely broke up with him but still wanted to remain friends. I never wanted to completely cut him out of my life and wanted to be there for him while he was struggling. He was angry at me for leaving him and would go through periods of being bitter but then loving. He started getting more angry as time went on. He would always threaten to come to my house if I didn't answer my phone, and the way he said it was pretty scary. He knew about my huge fear of him hurting my family and it was like he used this to control me. Once, he threatened to come over and I told him I'd call the police, and he said "Good, I'll have the cops kill me in front of your house. That way you know I died because I love you." He then thratened to jump off a bridge and said I'd see him on the news later, then to kill himself in front of my classroom at school. Things were horrible, and I always fell for it when he started being nice again and saying he wanted to be my friend. I knew deep down that I needed to get away from him for good because I always felt so much more at peace with no contact from him. And I'm not saying I was perfect - there were times I did say mean things to put him down, but I definitely tried not to. I finally cut off all contact with him after he called me a b**** for the first time and was angry at me for some reason. I changed my number and blocked him on Facebook. He freaked out. Had some girl take him to my house to leave a note on my car, reading: " I love you you'll never be able to get me out of your life, you can try but it's not going to do any good for you or me see you soon :)". He started calling my house phone repeatedly, and just hanging up. Started calling my work repeatedly calling me names. Threatened to kill any guy he ever saw me with. Wrote two guys from my work on Facebook telling them to stay away from me. Writing "I'm not a killer but don't push me" on his Facebook afterwards. One day he even jumped in frot of my dad's car as my dad was driving to work and Matt was walking to my house, then tried to open his door. My dad called the police and they were called but didn't arrest him. He came to my house multiple times after that, sometimes just walkng by to see if my car was there. Well, one day he showed up at my school. I was afraid when I saw him and started walking the other way. He was very angry right away, and told me I was going to talk to him when I said I didn't want to. He pried my phone out of my hands in the parking lot when I was completely unwilling and used force against me. Then took off with my phone when I told him he couldn't have me anymore, and when he asked who can then, I said don't worry about it. He followed me all around the parking lot making a huge scene and yelling at me. He blamed me for him not having a place to live anymore and said I left him on the streets and I've been cheating on him and probably gave him an STD. After that, he drained my money out of my bank account. He also admitted he'd been looking at my account history to see where I'd been, looking at my phone records, looking at people's Facebooks that I work with, and even paid a company to get my new phone number. Well at some point along I decided I wanted to see him Bad decision. We had sex and I stupidly trusted him all over again. The three days we spent together were AMAZING and he was like a completely different person, the one I fell in love with again. Well, that all changed of course when we were hanging out, and I noticed he had this girl's number in his phone that he had promised never to talk to again. I casually asked him why he still had her number. Asked him what they had talked about. I told him I really didn't understand why he saved her number if he wasn't talking to her, and said it seemed like he was just saving it in case we got in a fight again (he had told me he'd talked to those people only when we were together so he could "use them for a ride" and stuff). He answered with telling me to let him see my Facebook, and I said that is irrelevant because I didn't tell him I wasn't gonna add guys to Facebook. It was different cuz he told me he wasn't gonna talk to those girls. It was awkward and he left. I was mad that he left cuz I was at the hospital and didn't want to be alone. I admit that I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of things, and when he left I texted him things like "Have fun with her" quite a few times. It was wrong, and I was being immature. But he called me back and called me a b*** and then showed up at the hospital while I was leaving and started freaking out on me, saying that I hurt his feelings. I said I was sorry but I just had a hard time trusting him cuz the second we broke up he was with all these other girls. We just ended up arguing more and it was bad. When I got home, he was the same person. He sent me a picture of a needle and said that he was going to shoot up speed because of me. Told me he was going to go have sex with someone in 20 mins. Told me I wasn't good in bed. He was gonna put me in jail and have sex with girls in front of my house so my mom and dad could tell me about it. That my parents didn't love me. Called me names. HORRIBLE, horrible things that I would never think of saying to him. I tried to tell him to stop and say nice things. I did something stupid where I told him I took some pills to get attention and he acted like he cared, then told me to go die, then called me crying again. He said the things I said are just as bad as what I said to him. He flipped it around and said I ruined us once again and I treat him horribly. He drives me so crazy to the point where I do such stupid things! I know I've done wrong but I also know I wouldn't do most of the things he does ever...he showed up at my house yesterday and today and just stood across the street. Today he called me calling me names and telling me he's going to really break my heart and take everything that I have away from me like I did to him. Then he sounded like he was going to hurt my family. I've resorted to changing my phone number again, although he left me a voicemail on my house phone saying he's going to leave me alone for good now, but I've heard that so many times before! I'm so damaged from this relationship. And I still ask the question, was I abused? Was I an abuser? Why do I still love this person? And how do I stay away for good!

[d'Arthez]

Sorry to sound snarky, but could you please repost with paragraphs? Otherwise it is very, very hard to keep the attention on your story.

[superstaroxox]

When I was younger, I enjoyed thrill. I always looked for a man who was a bad boy. I had kinda been through some harmful situations and it was important I had someone who would always protect me. I also thought it was "romantic" for men to have a jealous side, and want a woman all to himself. I was dysfunctional, for sure. So when I met Matt at 17, it was love at first sight. He was a gang member, had tattoos all over including on his face, and had spent the majority of his life in a high-security prison. I know how ridiculous it must sound now that I actally liked this guy, but I did. I fell for him hard. He was 23 when I met him, and he fell just as hard for me. He didn't have a job, and was living with his brother and current gf. When he met me, he dropped his other girlfriend that he was living off of just like that and replaced her with me. He actually treated me great at first. Was patient for sex. Took me out and spent all his money on me WHEN he had some. Held doors open for me. Told me he loved me more than anything in the world. Wanted to start a family with me. Promised to get his life together so we could do so. The sex was amazing and passionate. I was so wrapped up in his promises and his dedication for me. I felt so loved, needed, and wanted. We confessed all our darkest secrets to each other. We were each other's best friends. He did have a jealous side, but so did I. He didn't show it AS much at first, but made it clear he did not want me hanging out with guys. I didn't want him hanging out with girls, either.

Then, he went to prison again. I was devastated, felt like I couldn't

survive without him. It was then that I realized how much I loved him and wanted him in my life. He had always told me he needed me which made me feel I needed him as well. Anyhow, when I went to visit him for the first time he looked horrible and depressed. He had said he couldn't sleep without me, eat, or anything. I felt the same. He brought up that we probably wouldn't be able to exchange letters back and forth (it had something to do with his case) and the only reason we'd be able to was if we got married. I reluctantly agreed. There was really no proposal, just a "Will you marry me?" We married in jail. We both cried and were very happy, but I went home without him. I bought my own ring, he insisted I get one

so

everyone knew I was married. I got his name tattooed on my heart because I was

so

wrapped up in my obsession for him. While he was in prison, we wrote EVERY day. His letters were

so

loving and sweet. But he started telling me things like he would kill himself if I ever left him and that he needed me

so

badly. His jealous side started to get worse. He didn't want me to hang out with ANYONE, and I didn't the whole 8 months he was away. Once, I saw a guy I knew at school, and he gave me a hug. When I got home, I felt HORRIBLY guilty about it. I knew how much Matt would be hurt, and I rushed home to write him about it. He was hurt, but not angry, just told me to not do it again. Another time, a guy at work was kinda bugging me with some sexual remarks. I told Matt about it the next time I saw him, and he told me I needed to tell my manager. I really didn't want to, but told him I would. I didn't feel the situation was really that bad, I just felt the guy was kinda flirting with me. The next time I saw Matt, he asked if I told my manager. I said no, and he started crying and was very hurt. I promised to tell my manager when I saw how hurt he was, and I did although I still didn't want to. Anyhow, Matt's neediness for me during the time he was in jail was intense. But I just figured he loved me

so

much, and I honestly believed I'd die without him as well. I was completely depressed during these months, and he told me it was just because we missed each other. But it was more than that - I didn't want to do anything and my body would ache all the time from anxiety.

When Matt came home, it was an amazing day. We were both ecstatic. But I quickly realized that life wasn't the fairy tale I had imagined. We moved in with his grandparents. I was the only one working a minimum-wage job and we couldn't afford our own place. Matt was different. It felt like he shut me out and closed off his feelings instead of talking about them like we used to. We started arguing. Everytime I'd tell him there was something not right, that it wasn't supposed to be this way, he would act like everything was completely fine. I would fall asleep crying most nights. His jealousy was worse - if I would tell him that someone said I was pretty at work, he'd ask me what I said back. If I said thanks, it meant I liked the compliment. If I said okay, I should have been mean. He told me he wanted me to be rude to any guy who ever gave me some sort of attention. He didn't want me talking to any guys, even co-workers. And one day, he told me if I ever cheated on him, he would kill me. He even told me one time he would burn off my face so I wouldn't be pretty anymore. I think I sort of blocked that one out since I tried to convince myself otherwise cuz I don't remember it much, but I remember him saying it. I was extremely bothered, but I didn't show it. I grew extremely depressed and started to not know who I was anymore. I had no friends. He told me tell my family that I couldn't see them unless Matt was allowed over at there house (they did not like him at all). He said it wouldn't be fair if I continued to see them when they did not accept our relationship. He didn't really compliment me much at all anymore at this point like he used to. The sex became okay at best, and he wouldn't want to do it a lot. He pressured me so much into anal sex, and I wanted to please him so badly, that I finally gave in. It hurt SO bad. The first few times, I was just crying and couldn't do it. He got angry with me and said I was acting like he was raping me. I tried again, and it still hurt so bad. We used to do some pretty kinky things, and I was handcuffed to the bed. Well, he got so angry with me he yelled at me and threw a blanket on top of me and left me handcuffed to the bed for a couple minutes. I asked him to unchain me and he wouldn't for those couple minutes. When he did, I told him to leave and fell asleep crying. Life was going pretty bad, and I was just in this horrible state of depression. I wasn't that same girl anymore - the happy one who had so much life in her! But I didn't realize yet that Matt was the one causing my unhappiness. I got pregnant, and we were very happy. But that didn't stop the arguments, and they got worse. Matt would scream and grow so angry he would scare the crap out of me! He threw our phone at the wall twice, once almost hitting me with it, and broke them. He broke other things when he was mad, too. The one thing was that he never called me a bad word. I'm sure he called me other things, but never like a B**** or anything. I had a miscarriage, probably from all the stress of the situation. He was very sad and so was I. It was so odd because sometimes he would show that person that I fell in love with to me, and he would still tell me he needed me and loved me so much and would die for me, and always said we were soulmates. He said he trusted me and he was there when I really needed him, and at times he would show a very gentle and sensitive side to me. I always held on to that side of him and was always convinced that's the person he was deep down, and sooner or later he would come back. I continued to suffer through depression, but there was something new. I began to experience extreme anxiety and panic attacks and horrible recurring thoughts of him hurting/killing me or my family. They were persistant and would never go away.

We ended up moving into our own place with his brother, which was a disaster. He continued to put me down at times, I remember a time where some guy cut us off on the freeway and he started chasing him on the freeway going very fast, I got scared and started crying telling him to stop and he freaked out and started yelling at me, saying I was

so

scared of everything. I was depressed all day and he knew how bad he hurt me, but later on that day when he picked me back up from school he flipped out on me again and screamed at me for not knowing where he was supposed to turn. He was always very apologetic afterwards and never understood why I would sometimes stay upset. Sometimes, he would even take his anger out on our two puppies and yell at them and smacked them a couple times. I remember a time where he said something about killing my parents in front of me if I cheated, and I think it was meant as a joke. Like I said before, I know he said it but I think I sort of blocked it out plus when I brought it up later he acted like I was psychotic and made it up in my head, which I didn't. I continued to be the only one working and completely supporting us both. He had looked for a job here and there but never got one, and I always had to tell him to look for one or tell him to follow through with a phone call. He'd rarely do it on his own. He started selling drugs for a little cash and started hanging out with some really weird people. I didn't like it but I mostly kept that to myself. He would do things that he would absolutely FLIP if I did, like went into our shed to smoke with some girl. He justified it by saying he told me before he did it, and I didn't say anything. We started becoming very behind on our rent, and

so

we got a roommate. By this time my obsessive thoughts were completely controlling my life. I CONSTANTLY obsessed about him hurting me/my family/our pets, about him cheating or thinking another girl was attractive, and even completely irrational things that made me believe I was going crazy. I tried talking to him about it but he told me I was fine at first, but did understand more later and helped me with it a little. Well, I do admit I was downrght jealous if he would talk to our roommate. I felt like there were times he would leave me out of the conversation and go into the other room as if I wasn't there. I also didn't think it was fair because he never wanted me to talk to any guys. This caused many screaming matches but I learned to deal with it a little more. I do admit I gave him a lot of crap and bugged him about her a lot, asking if she tried to hit on him, calling him a lot while he was home with her, and

so

on. But I did get better.

Well, one day some people came to our house in the middle of the night and stood outside with what looked like guns. It was horrible and terrifying. He helped me hide in the closet and I called 911. Fortunately the police came before anything happened. Matt said that they were some people that had heard he was selling drugs and wanted to rob him, but I felt there was more to the story and he was selling more than just marijuana. It was horrible - we had to just get up and leave our home and everything in it. We had to break our lease. I honestly wanted Matt to go get our things at least but he said it would be dangerous. He wanted to have animal control pick up our puppies, but I couldn't bear that and was more than willing to go pick them up. I didn't want to get bad credit and leave all my belongings, but he said I could NOT go back. My parents ended up getting our puppies and some of my belongings, but we ended up having to give our pets to another home. I was devastated and depressed, and terrified by what had happened. By this time I had started to smarten up. I realized how I deserved to be treated more and although I didn't want to admit it to myself, I realized that I couldn't be with this person forever. That I didn't need him, and that no matter how much I loved him, he was bringing me down a whole lot. He apologized for telling me he would ever hurt me and assured me it would never happen again. He seemed very apologetic and even cried about it, saying he grew up in a home where that's how his parent's relationship was. I accepted his apology but still could not get rid of the thought always eating away at me. He started being less controlling about me interacting with guys at work, as long as it was just small talk and never anythng about my personal life. I even gained a few friends, but he absolutely hated one friend I made. She was married as well, but she had an on and off again relationship with her husband. He called her a wh*** and said that she didn't love her husband and he didn't want me hanging out with her. Everytime I talked to her on the phone he would listen closely. One time he got angry with me because she said she deleted her Facebook because her husband wanted her to, and I laughed. He said I was basically saying it was funny that she had bad things on her Facebook. He would get angry anytime she brought up a guy from work. Everything she did he picked apart. I had to fight and fight with him to remain her friend. When we hung out, he went online to look up what time the movie we were seeing ended. When I called him 10 minutes later he freaked out, saying I was with some guys. He slowly got better, but I had to live always on-guard. I never wanted to do anything to make him mad, because honestly I was scared of him.

Our fights got horrible and intense. We would both scream and act completely dramatic. He would grab a bottle of pills and act like he was going to swallow them, even liften them up to his mouth, before I pried them out of his hands. He'd hit his head on walls. He would start driving extremely crazy and fast. And I would do some of the same things at times after I saw the way it got my attention. This time, I didn't hold back like I used to. I would call him names, tell him he was stupid and a loser. And I started hitting him at times, which I am not proud of at all. I did do things I'

m

not proud of, such as get paranoid he was cheating on me when I'

m

sure he wasn't, and accuse him. He would tell me he was going to kill my friend, and scare the crap out of me on many occasions. He would try to jump out of the car and tell me he's going to kill someone or rob a bank. He would even grab the gun that we owned at times and start acting like he was heading outside with it until I freaked out crying. I didn't want to believe he was this scary person, but inside I knew he was. I absolutely loved one side of him, but I couldn't do it anymore.

I finally left him, the hardest thing I ever did in my life and something I NEVER thought I could do. First, I just moved to my mom's and decided we were going to take a break. I told him I needed my space but he wouldn't give it to me. He freaked out when I left and seemed to go completely crazy. He would text me at all hours of the night to the point where he started not making any sense. Once I called and he accidentally answered his phone, he was having a conversation with some people and I made out that he was in a car on his way to get some drugs (speed). I freaked out and started screaming and crying for him to stop and not do it. Well, he heard me and supposedly went home right away. It got to the point where I completely broke up with him but still wanted to remain friends. I never wanted to completely cut him out of my life and wanted to be there for him while he was struggling. He was angry at me for leaving him and would go through periods of being bitter but then loving. He started getting more angry as time went on. He would always threaten to come to my house if I didn't answer my phone, and the way he said it was pretty scary. He knew about my huge fear of him hurting my family and it was like he used this to control me. Once, he threatened to come over and I told him I'd call the police, and he said "Good, I'll have the cops kill me in front of your house. That way you know I died because I love you." He then thratened to jump off a bridge and said I'd see him on the news later, then to kill himself in front of my classroom at school. Things were horrible, and I always fell for it when he started being nice again and saying he wanted to be my friend. I knew deep down that I needed to get away from him for good because I always felt so much more at peace with no contact from him. And I'm not saying I was perfect - there were times I did say mean things to put him down, but I definitely tried not to.

I finally cut off all contact with him after he called me a b**** for the first time and was angry at me for some reason. I changed my number and blocked him on Facebook. He freaked out. Had some girl take him to my house to leave a note on my car, reading: " I love you you'll never be able to get me out of your life, you can try but it's not going to do any good for you or me see you soon :)". He started calling my house phone repeatedly, and just hanging up. Started calling my work repeatedly calling me names. Threatened to kill any guy he ever saw me with. Wrote two guys from my work on Facebook telling them to stay away from me. Writing "I'

m

not a killer but don't push me" on his Facebook afterwards. One day he even jumped in frot of my dad's car as my dad was driving to work and Matt was walking to my house, then tried to open his door. My dad called the police and they were called but didn't arrest him. He came to my house multiple times after that, sometimes just walkng by to see if my car was there. Well, one day he showed up at my school. I was afraid when I saw him and started walking the other way. He was very angry right away, and told me I was going to talk to him when I said I didn't want to. He pried my phone out of my hands in the parking lot when I was completely unwilling and used force against me. Then took off with my phone when I told him he couldn't have me anymore, and when he asked who can then, I said don't worry about it. He followed me all around the parking lot making a huge scene and yelling at me. He blamed me for him not having a place to live anymore and said I left him on the streets and I've been cheating on him and probably gave him an STD. After that, he drained my money out of my bank account. He also admitted he'd been looking at my account history to see where I'd been, looking at my phone records, looking at people's Facebooks that I work with, and even paid a company to get my new phone number.

Well at some point along I decided I wanted to see him

Bad decision. We had sex and I stupidly trusted him all over again. The three days we spent together were AMAZING and he was like a completely different person, the one I fell in love with again. Well, that all changed of course when we were hanging out, and I noticed he had this girl's number in his phone that he had promised never to talk to again. I casually asked him why he still had her number. Asked him what they had talked about. I told him I really didn't understand why he saved her number if he wasn't talking to her, and said it seemed like he was just saving it in case we got in a fight again (he had told me he'd talked to those people only when we weren't together so he could "use them for a ride" and stuff). He answered with telling me to let him see my Facebook, and I said that is irrelevant because I didn't tell him I wasn't gonna add guys to Facebook. It was different cuz he told me he wasn't gonna talk to those girls. It was awkward and he left. I was mad that he left cuz I was at the hospital and didn't want to be alone. I admit that I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of things, and when he left I texted him things like "Have fun with her" quite a few times. It was wrong, and I was being immature. But he called me back and called me a b*** and then showed up at the hospital while I was leaving and started freaking out on me, saying that I hurt his feelings. I said I was sorry but I just had a hard time trusting him cuz the second we broke up he was with all these other girls. We just ended up arguing more and it was bad.

When I got home, he was the same person. He sent me a picture of a needle and said that he was going to shoot up speed because of me. Told me he was going to go have sex with someone in 20 mins. Told me I wasn't good in bed. He was gonna put me in jail and have sex with girls in front of my house

so

my mom and dad could tell me about it. That my parents didn't love me. Called me names. HORRIBLE, horrible things that I would never think of saying to him. I tried to tell him to stop and say nice things. I did something stupid where I told him I took some pills to get attention and he acted like he cared, then told me to go die, then called me crying again. He said the things I said are just as bad as what I said to him. He flipped it around and said I ruined us once again and I treat him horribly. He drives me

so

crazy to the point where I do such stupid things! I know I've done wrong but I also know I wouldn't do most of the things he does ever...he showed up at my house yesterday and today and just stood across the street. Today he called me calling me names and telling me he's going to really break my heart and take everything that I have away from me like I did to him. Then he sounded like he was going to hurt my family. I've resorted to changing my phone number again, although he left me a voicemail on my house phone saying he's going to leave me alone for good now, but I've heard that

so

many times before! I'

m

so

damaged from this relationship. And I still ask the question, was I abused? Was I an abuser? Why do I still love this person? And how do I stay away for good!

 

 

Hope that's better!

[aiyam]

I think you were really emotionally abused. It is a cycle and from what i read,you are. The cycle goes on like this - he say/do something bad to you - asks forgiveness - you forgive - and hurts you again. Reading it made me feel scared for you and the family as well. If i am in your place, i think i will relocate with my family to have some peace, and start anew. I will go to counselling because this kind of relationship is damaging. You have been through a lot and will need help to get through this.

[d'Arthez]

Much better. I'll reply shortly.

[MexicanBillBacker]

You deserve a lot better than a bastard like that.

 

 

Love yourself, be happy and believe that you deserve it

[superstaroxox]

Thanks guys so much for your responses. They mean the world to me.

 

And I wish it was that easy to relocate I am living with my family and they can't just up and leave the house we live in. I am looking into a restraining order at least.

[d'Arthez]

This has been one hell of a rollercoaster relationship for you. Lots of abuse, trust issues, violence, psychological scars, legal hassles, that will stay with you for a long while. It will take a lot of effort to get your life back on track, and deal with all the consequences of this toxic relationship. But you seem to have a good understanding of the events that shaped your life, and that in itself is a promising sign you are on the road to recovery.

 

Your relationship was abusive almost from the start. Matt abused you psychologically, and as your relationship progressed the intensity of the abuse was increasing. And because you stayed in the relationship longer and longer "abuse" became a normal pattern for your interactions, partly because Matt cut you off of the non-abusive relationships you had (for instance your work colleages).

 

As such, it is not a surprise that eventually started to retaliate in kind. Not so much to abuse him, but rather to protect your own boundaries; in an attempt to reassert yourself, and take some control back over your life. Control you had mostly relinquished to Matt. So technically, you were an abuser, but in this kind of toxic situation, it is a natural, and I would almost say rational response from your part.

 

It is obvious that you are deeply affected by everything that happened. But you have a good understanding of what happened, and why things happened, including your own flaws and how you contributed yourself to things panning out as they have. This is a very important step on the road to recovery. Definitely a bit of counseling would do you a lot of good, to come to terms with your actions.

 

I think what is more important for you to find out, why you stayed so long in this relationship. And the answer probably is very closely related to why you still love Matt. Perhaps you are living on the memories of good times, and have dissociated them from the bad times (which is actually a reasonable , yet ultimately dysfunctional, coping strategy when you are in a messed up relationship).

 

Best way to stay away from him is going No Contact, sever all ties (legally and financially) with him, move to a different place (if possible), and start some counseling to deal with the issues you have. Restraining order is an excellent idea.

[superstaroxox]

This has been one hell of a rollercoaster relationship for you. Lots of abuse, trust issues, violence, psychological scars, legal hassles, that will stay with you for a long while. It will take a lot of effort to get your life back on track, and deal with all the consequences of this toxic relationship. But you seem to have a good understanding of the events that shaped your life, and that in itself is a promising sign you are on the road to recovery.

 

Your relationship was abusive almost from the start. Matt abused you psychologically, and as your relationship progressed the intensity of the abuse was increasing. And because you stayed in the relationship longer and longer "abuse" became a normal pattern for your interactions, partly because Matt cut you off of the non-abusive relationships you had (for instance your work colleages).

 

As such, it is not a surprise that eventually started to retaliate in kind. Not so much to abuse him, but rather to protect your own boundaries; in an attempt to reassert yourself, and take some control back over your life. Control you had mostly relinquished to Matt. So technically, you were an abuser, but in this kind of toxic situation, it is a natural, and I would almost say rational response from your part.

 

It is obvious that you are deeply affected by everything that happened. But you have a good understanding of what happened, and why things happened, including your own flaws and how you contributed yourself to things panning out as they have. This is a very important step on the road to recovery. Definitely a bit of counseling would do you a lot of good, to come to terms with your actions.

 

I think what is more important for you to find out, why you stayed so long in this relationship. And the answer probably is very closely related to why you still love Matt. Perhaps you are living on the memories of good times, and have dissociated them from the bad times (which is actually a reasonable , yet ultimately dysfunctional, coping strategy when you are in a messed up relationship).

 

Best way to stay away from him is going No Contact, sever all ties (legally and financially) with him, move to a different place (if possible), and start some counseling to deal with the issues you have. Restraining order is an excellent idea.

 

Thank you so much d'Arthez. I definitely have an understand of what has happened to me in this relationship. The one good thing that has come out of this relationship is that I have grown into a stronger person that I ever thought I could be. Now, I can't understand why I stayed so long. I guess I held on to the good memories, like you said, but also to the side of him that he showed to me sometimes. I felt like I could change him at first, and that the person I loved was deep down there somewhere. He would do things for me, like started going to tattoo removal, but then when he got angry with me he would tell me he wasn't going to do them anymore. He would control me by telling me what I wanted to hear and then reversing it when he got angry, blaming it on me ("I'm not going to go to tattoo removal because you don't appreciate it, and there's no point"). I also always felt I couldn't leave because I was supporting him, and I didn't want to leave him with nothing. I made all the money and paid the rent at where we were living, and there was absolutely no one who would take him in; he has no close family. I felt guilty, I guess, and he would always say he wouldn't be able to live without me. There's a part of me that wants to call him, to tell him I love him and make sure he's okay (he's now homeless since I left). But I know I won't this time. I understand the damage he's done, and I'm honestly pretty scared of him in a way. I'm also seeing a counselor which is helping a lot. I bought a book today called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" as well .

Your response means so much to me in understanding my situation, thanks again

[d'Arthez]

The behaviour you describe suggests you thought you could fix him. You stayed because he had no one else to turn to, because you felt that was the best thing for him. Which is a dysfunctional mindset, that is not too uncommon in caring women. You definitely need to work on that, and learn how to establish healthy boundaries. But from the way you have written about all this, it is obvious you will get there.

 

It is great to know that you are taking your life in your own hands and have started counseling. Take your time to heal from the scars, and if you do, I am sure life will be good to you .

[CopingGal]

My Gosh. I can be wrong, of course, but it sounds like he had very strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

 

He is extremely dangerous....extremely. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Do you feel safe avoiding him and having no contact with him at all? He is manipulative, extreme, controlling, aggressive, impulsive, and paranoid. People with Cluster B disorders or strong traits of Cluster B disorders, which BPD is a part of, start new relationships being very, very charming...irresistible...very sexy, very sexual, etc. They present themselves as wonderful, they lie to make themselves look good. But then they can't keep up the lies and the false behaviors.

 

 

Him telling you he was going to burn off your face should have been enough for you to stay away. Even if you stayed with him out of fear, at some point you did stop seeing him. You need to figure out why you went back to him. Also, you should have given your puppies away when he first started smacking them. This person is very, very, very scary.

 

If you don't feel safe staying away...if you think he will do something bad, call a domestic violence hotline and get some advice.

 

You deserve much better than this.

 

My goodness, you deserve better than this.

[superstaroxox]

My Gosh. I can be wrong, of course, but it sounds like he had very strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

 

He is extremely dangerous....extremely. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Do you feel safe avoiding him and having no contact with him at all? He is manipulative, extreme, controlling, aggressive, impulsive, and paranoid. People with Cluster B disorders or strong traits of Cluster B disorders, which BPD is a part of, start new relationships being very, very charming...irresistible...very sexy, very sexual, etc. They present themselves as wonderful, they lie to make themselves look good. But then they can't keep up the lies and the false behaviors.

 

 

Him telling you he was going to burn off your face should have been enough for you to stay away. Even if you stayed with him out of fear, at some point you did stop seeing him. You need to figure out why you went back to him. Also, you should have given your puppies away when he first started smacking them. This person is very, very, very scary.

 

If you don't feel safe staying away...if you think he will do something bad, call a domestic violence hotline and get some advice.

 

You deserve much better than this.

 

My goodness, you deserve better than this.

 

I was always sure he had some sort of mental illness. It ran in the family, as well. Some nights he would stay up with a gun in his lap all night cuz he believed people were going to get him. He'd constantly be checking windows, or be sure he heard something outside. It would drive me crazy. This would only go on for a while, but then it would come back. Honestly, it's hard because right now when I give him attention and am completely nice to him he stops with all the threats. But the second I cut off contact with him he freaks out. Like last night, he called me like 10 times and left voicemails each time. He said, "I don't know why you're doing this, you're just making things worse...I'm gonna just keep doing this, I'm gonna keep calling and then I'll be there when you wake up for work in the morning or I'll go to your work...oh hey your parents are in New York this week huh?...if you call me back right now I won't bother you anymore all you have to do is call me!" in a freaky, sing-song tone. He texted me while I was sleeping, saying that he loves me so much and giving me some stupid reason why he got upset. But I know it will be better in the long run if I cut off contact, cuz if I keep contacting him I'm giving him some sort of hope. I HOPE everything turns out okay. Thank you so much for responding.

[CopingGal]

Listen, there are a couple of things I think you should do. I was under the impression that currently you are not in contact with him, but since he is contacting you, I think you should get some advice from a domestic violence hotline. Just listen to what they have to say. At some point I think you should get some therapy to figure out why you would stay with someone who threatened to burn your face off, threatened to kill you and was mean to you dogs.

 

But first thing's first. I think you should speak to someone on a domestic violence hotline. Be careful what you do because he is volatile.

[CopingGal]

This is the first thread of this forum. It has info on getting help for domestic violence.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/51194-immediate-help-victims-domestic-abuse-united-states

[Downtown]

SuperStar, I agree with CopingGal that the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control (e.g., drugs), rapid flips from adoring you to hating you, controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy -- are classic traits of BPD. Sadly, my exW is that way too (minus the tatoos).

 

If you would like to read a brief description of typical BPDer behavior -- and why it is so addictive to caregivers like you and me -- please see my posts in Rebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, SuperStar.

[CopingGal]

SuperStar, I agree with CopingGal that the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control (e.g., drugs), rapid flips from adoring you to hating you, controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy -- are classic traits of BPD. Sadly, my exW is that way too (minus the tatoos).

 

If you would like to read a brief description of typical BPDer behavior -- and why it is so addictive to caregivers like you and me -- please see my posts in Rebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, SuperStar.

 

I read what you wrote....you really laid it out. I will say though, in your responds to BPDers are the ones who make you feel like you are going crazy....with sociopathic people, you many not feel like you are going crazy....but might feel that when the relationship is over, when you realize everything has been a lie, that you have been used, that you have been psychologically abused, tricked, manipulated and cheated on, and/or that the person has skipped off with your money or left you with a ton of bills etc., etc., etc. and with all of that, the person has no remorse. So with sociopaths, the craziness comes afterward. That is what I read, and that is what happened to me. My ex did all of that except for taking my money and leaving me with bills.

[LadyGrey]

I'm so damaged from this relationship. And I still ask the question, was I abused? Was I an abuser? Why do I still love this person? And how do I stay away for good!

 

YES you were abused and yes you acting a bit crazy yourself.

 

You HAVE to cut him off, you can not speak with him, answer his calls, nor have any interaction with him at all. It just adds more crazymaking. You need to seek help with an abuse shelter or a counselor who specializes in abuse. You are engaging with a man who is very dangerous and who may carry out his threats to hurt you or kill you and your family. I think if you tell the abuse counselor your story they will advise you to get a restraining order and you very well may have to hide for a while. Get help so you can get strong enough to get out before he kills you. Then seek help with your addiction to drama and unhealthy relationships and with bad men. If you do not get some help you will repeat this cycle.

 

 

PS..........please break your posts up into paragraphs.

 

 

Take care and seek help.

[LadyGrey]

While it's good that she arms herself with info about BPD, understanding it will not help her at this point. Her life is in danger. The OP has to stop this, not him but her. She has to get strong enough to stop talking with him because it is just making everything worse.

 

Again seek help with an abuse hotline or visit a shelter. Do not wait.........waiting may cost you your life and your parents life.

[Downtown]

While it's good that she arms herself with info about BPD, understanding it will not help her at this point.

LadyGrey, if SuperStar were still living with him, I would certainly agree with you because her first priority should be to leave and go to a safe location. Before she started this thread, however, she had already left. Hence, the danger is that -- not understanding what she is dealing with -- she will return to him. Another great danger is that, even if she doesn't go back to him, she will run right into the arms of another man just like him.

 

My experience is that, with excessive caregivers like SuperStar and me, we will keep walking right past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find someone who desperately needs us. Sadly, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are).

 

We therefore are strongly attracted to people who will idealize us and adore us for a few months and then, as sure as night follows day, start abusing us when they realize we cannot make them happy or fix them. Your awareness of this danger is evident in your advice that, after obtaining safety, she should "...then seek help with your addiction to drama."

 

That said, the primary reason I've said nothing about the importance of her staying away from him and contacting the police is that you and CopingGal are doing such a fine job in explaining the need for immediate protective measures. I can't think of anything that would improve on what you've already said so articulately. I therefore applaud your efforts -- and do not intend to detract from them.

[LadyGrey]

Downtown you brought up some good points that I hadn't considered.

 

Thank you for understanding my intent and for explaining yours more clearly.

[turnera]

First, get a recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times. If he ever shows up again, turn it on. Record everything he says to you. If he emails or texts you, print them out. You will need evidence of his harassing you if you are going to legally keep him away from you.

 

Second, ramp up the counseling to as much as you can afford; it's the key to getting strong enough to resist taking him back.

 

Third, get this book and read it first: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. You need to read it and understand why he will never change, so that in your weak moments you don't rationalize taking him back.

 

Abusers HATE to lose. It's not about the person they control; it's about the control. It could have been you, it could have been someone else. To him, it's just a game. He feels good when he controls. Period. So any future encounters with him, remind yourself that to him you are nothing more than something he wants to win. That will help you distance yourself from what he tries to do and not fall for it again.

 

Fourth, try to find a group of some sort in your area where you can go and talk about what you went through; being around others in your situation will help you learn how not to pick the NEXT abuser as well.

 

Good luck and good for you for getting out.

[superstaroxox]

Thanks everyone, but listen there is NO WAY and NO HOW I am going back. Yes, I caved once. But I now realize how irrational that mistake was. Writing this post helped me realize just how much I have gone through with Matt. I can't BELIEVE I stayed so long and didn't realize how serious the situation was. And I've known for a long time that I don't want a person like that again. A person with a broken wing and seemed powerful in all the wrong reasons excited me. But now there is nothing that I do NOT want more. I want someone who is stable! Who loves me for all the right reasons, is happy and has dreams and goals! But most importantly, I know I need to work on myself first. There's no way I am ready to get involved with anyone for a very long time. I have some SERIOUS healing to do.

The update is that right now, I'

m

living in a very on-guard state. My family knows how important this whole thing is and we've all been cautious, plus got an alarm system. I hate living like this, and I'

m

anxious a lot. But I'

m

much more relieved that I'

m

out of the relationship. Matt haden't contacted me all day, and then he texted me yesterday by saying he filed for divorce and I needed to come sign the papers. He also said that he filed for spousal support. The text message was

SO

manipulative-sounded that I was

so

surprised I never noticed it! It read as follows: "I need these papers signed by 3

so

I can turn them into my paralegal place

so

please try to get this done fast, thank you. I know you said it's not fair to file for support but I need it more than you do. I'

m

deciding to do it cuz I really have no choice, if I don't then I will be on the street. I need it to get a car and stuff, I'll get it for a year and a half and then if you want I can let them know I don't need it anymore. Sorry I'

m

doing this but put yourself in my shoes, I don't have anything and it's not my fault it's not! I had a car when we were together and now I don't! But I know if you asked for support and I had what you have going for you, I would give you that cuz you have a roof and a warm place to rest.

So

it would be nice if you don't fight this part it would save us both time, you have the right but I'

m

still going to win because I have nothing and there's no way I can get on my feet. I'

m

asking for $400-450, your mom can help you while you help me. I wish I didn't need your help still but you're going to be okay."

What a deceiving bastard! He is really trying to lead me to believe that I owe him something, that since I picked him up off the streets and then decided to leave from his bad treatment, I'm the reason he's back on the streets! This man has never worked a day in his life. I gave him everything, and he is still going to try and take from me. I make a little more than minumum wage and finally have some extra money to go out and do nice things for myself! I can't believe this, and I hope I don't have to give him one penny! I am definitely going to fight until the end!

Anyway, I just wrote him back telling him I'

m

not signing crap and I'll see him in court. Then, I blocked his texts. Today he called me, and I answered (I know: no-no). I think I just get scared that if I don't listen to him at times, he will get very angry. He told me either I come to him to sign these papers, or he will have some girl serve me (Again- trying to manipulate and control). I told him I'

m

not taking crap from anyone and to pay a damn legal person to serve me.

So

then he said that's fine, that he would say I refused the papers and they would grant his case. If that was really true, he wouldn't even be trying

so

hard to get me to sign lol. I saw my counselor today and he told me I owe Matt no explanation at all. To not even pick up the phone, and to get the restraining order asap. Which is what I'

m

going to do. Matt is now blowing up my phone and leaving messages that he's gonna have some girl come over and serve me. And that's fine, I'

m

not answering the door!

I'm torn up and anxious inside and sick to my stomach that I have to be scared like this. BUT, I no longer feel the same about Matt at ALL. Last time he brought up a girl's name, I flipped. This time, I felt a teeny pang, and that's it. Nothing really. I didn't even say anything . It doesn't bother me like it used to one bit. I know I'm going to be okay.

[superstaroxox]

He is blowing up my phone. Do I calmly answer and tell him I am not going to sign anything? Or do I just let it ring?

[superstaroxox]

Oh, and he has some freaky song on his voicemail. It goes like this:

 

All this time, you've been mine, heaven-sent Valentine

And just like that, my life stopped on the dime

I can't stop cryin', inside I'm dyin'

I caught you red-handed, that's what I get for spyin'

But I've been suspicious, cuz you done caught me with some b******

But you promised not to shoot me with the same triggers

You didn't know the new Benz I just bought you

Could be tracked by satellite, and that's how I caught you

Oh Baby why?

In the past I've been unfaithful

I can't believe it, I feel like, this n**** raped you

But you allowed it, you gave yourself to a coward

I'ma bury both of you, and STILL buy you flowers

Remember when

Our love would never end?

But now I am

Tastin' my own medicine

 

Soo, I guess I cheated now. And he cheated. The burying part is disturbing. And new Benz he bought me? LMAO!

[turnera]

Do not answer him.