Age difference

[ctes300]

I could really use some help on this one. I've never pursued a relationship with someone that had a significant age difference until recently. I met someone who is 13 years younger than myself. I am 40 and she is 27. I look like I'm in my low to mid thirties, take good care of myself and stay fit. She and I went on three dates which went very well. I thought things were starting to show some promise. I tried to postpone dealing with the age issue on our first two dates because I wanted her to know me for more than a numerical value, but did plan on telling her very soon. Last night after spending the afternoon at her friend's birthday party we finally addressed this issue we both knew was going to surface eventually. She told me age is a major issue with her and felt that I was well outside of her acceptable age range. Apparently her last boyfriend who she spent 4 years with was 10 years older than her and felt it was a problem and also an issue for her parents who didn't approve. She is close with her family so their approval matters. For whatever reason it didn't work with her ex-bf, but I am not him. I have hard time believing it was all about age. I understand this is an issue for her, and it was for me as I knew she was at the very low end of the age range I’d consider and realize that her concerns about being at different points in our lives is very significant and acceptable in my mind. She and I could be at those different points in life but hoped this was the exception rather than the rule. I didn't want this situation but now I'm here.

 

 

During our conversation it came out that she had many first dates but never go beyond that- which I can understand because I very rarely 'click' with anyone either. We seemed to connect very well but this issue has presented itself as a serious roadblock I'm confused why she continued to date me, get closer and talk about things we want to do together in the future rather than be forthcoming on how important this issue was to her when she really knew all along I was definitely older by several years. She claims her friends pushed her to continue because she tends to write off potential suitors by date number 1, but she should have just told me its a big issue to her. I don’t believe she would have gone on three dates if there wasn’t something more in her mind, not just pressure from her friends. At this point, she wants to be my friend and seems to be very sincere about continuing at that level but I don't see how this is possible because I don't think I can help but keep trying if I'm around her. I can't change how old I am and I don't think I can change the way I feel about her so here I am at another em pass. I know either way I'm going to hurt over this because I don't want to give her up but couldn't bear the thought of seeing her move on to someone else.

 

Any help or insights would be appreciated.

[Lobouspo]

I recently was in a similar situation as you dating someone 11 years younger this past fall. IME, when someone tells you age disparity is an issue for them, believe it. I know you like her, but better this is all out on the table now before you have more vested emotionally. Having said that, where are you at in your lives? Do both of you want kids? Do either of you have children from a prior relationship? Depending on where you guys are at with these and other issues could mitigate the age thing.

[Balzac]

I don't quite get the essence of different place in life. At 27 she would have likely completed grad school. Her focus would be in building her career. At 40 you are well into your career. I'm just not seeing the age difference as that much of the dynamic.

 

As for her family influence~~they seem to be not able to evaluate you on individual merit.

 

Adult life is about relationship experience, not every relationship needs to culminate in marriage. Friend zoning you is a deal breaker but I'm not clear that this is what she declared.

[ctes300]

In response to Loubospo, on believing the age difference. Yes, I can understand it but at the same time it seemed like things were going well aside from this issue - and this is something I cannot change so it just hurts all the more.

 

She had a relationship with someone 10 years older up until recently and said the age difference was the main reason it didn't work. She says we have more in common yet wont take a chance, but yet took the time to go on three dates and always had a great time. It's tough to accept when you think someone really is split because of an issue like this.

 

 

and Balzac, you're pretty much spot on. I am well into my career, she has her masters and several years into her profession. She expressed the desire to travel which is a big interest of mine too, but also undecided where she wants to set down roots. This would be an issue with anyone she meets as well I am sure. The family thing only holds so much validity, she is an adult and you have to do what's right for you at some point, not your parents. I also have no clue why she'd bring me to a party to meet her friends then drop this on me or waste time on the other dates for that matter as she's not the type to use guys for a nice dinner. I think I did get FZ'd - I am not sure if that is what she did either but it sounded like and not sure where she is in her heart but time will tell if I hear from her ever again. I know I will probably run into her if I keep up the same recent routines.

[irin]

youll have to accept it, if its an issue for her.

 

there are people who have no problems with age gaps, hell some even go specifically for a large gap.

[pteromom]

She's already told you the age difference is a big deal for her and that she wants to be friends with you. So there you go... she isn't as into you as you are into her.

 

If it hurts too much to just stay friends with her, you'll need to let her go completely.

[FitChick]

I dated someone your age when I was her age. The gap made no difference. He was a jerk at any age.

[firemanq]

My girlfriend and I got together 20-25 years ago. There was and still is 11 years difference. The only real difference has been she has stopped the skiing, biking, and hiking about 5 years earlier than I have. And she is still hot!

 

The only time the age difference was brought up was when we took the kids tubing down the river, behind my house. That was just after we got together. My 3rd daughter went back to her mother's house and told her mother that my new girlfriend looked good in a bikini. The kid was right, my girlfriend did look good. AFter taking the kids back to their mother, I had my girlfriend put on the bikini, just so I could take it offl

[ctes300]

She's already told you the age difference is a big deal for her and that she wants to be friends with you. So there you go... she isn't as into you as you are into her.

 

If it hurts too much to just stay friends with her, you'll need to let her go completely.

 

 

Thanks Captain Obvious, but I didn't need any help or a reiteration of what she literally stated. Clearly age is an issue, but I think her actions show she's more conflicted more than her words imply. She knew I was significantly older, just not exactly how much older and still went on three dates with me and introduced me to all her friends at a party. People that don't make it past date #1 don't go on another two dates unless there's something more- so it's pretty clear she is into me. At 27 yrs old I'd be conflicted too if my parents still had influence in my romantic life decisions. The real issue is if we are at different points in our lives. And, I had already came to the conclusion of letting her go if need be in the last sentence of my first post.

 

The way I see it, as many others here is that age does not have to be a significant barrier. Thanks to those who shared their insights on similar experiences.