husband withheld info for 10 yrs about past relationship with mutual friend

[feelingblue]

My husband and I have been together since high school (13 years) and we've been married for 4. When I was in college, we had periods where we decided to see other people, even though we were still together, so that we could experience things before we settled down. We mostly kept each other informed of our doings, and I for one came clean about all the guys I was involved with shortly after I graduated college. I thought he had told me everything as well.

 

My husband had a female friend when I was away at college. A few years after we moved across the country, she moved to the area as well. She lived with us briefly, was working for him, and was playing music with him at night. I was pretty much insanely jealous that he was spending so much time with her and it didn't help that she always acted kind of strange and uncomfortable around me and it was even worse when my husband was around.

 

Eventually she stopped working for him and playing music. I got help for my depression, worked on a lot of issues with my husband and we've had a really really amazing relationship the last few years. He joined a new band and she later joined the band as well. I was feeling ok about her for the first time, and us girls were starting to get along reasonably well. But I still sensed a strangeness when me, her and my husband were together.

 

Recently, I started wondering if they were sexually involved when I was away at college. I asked him point blank and first he started to lie and said there was some "flirting" but within a few minutes admitted that he had a "drunken one night stand" with her when we were seeing other people. I was (and am) so pissed and upset. Not necessarily that he slept with her, since it was technically "ok" at the time, but that he's been keeping this information from me for about 10 years!!!

 

What upsets me the most is that all that time I was so jealous, I just thought I was being crazy and irrational - when really there was some basis for it! Obviously they WERE attacted to each other at some point if they slept together! And why did he not tell me about her when he told me about everyone else that he slept with?

 

What is also really hard to deal with is that I have to spend significant amounts of time with her and him - concerts, rehearsals at my house, etc. I assume SHE assumes he told me years ago, and that I've gotten over it by now. It is not her fault at all, but I find it very hard to be friends with her, to hang out with her socially like we have been, knowing this new info. Not to mention how sick it makes me feel to see them together.

 

I know I will probably be able to deal with this eventually (it's only been a few days). I love my husband intensely and I trust him with her now (ok, there's a 0.1% doubt there, considering he tried to lie at first). I also trust her to respect me enough to not do anything. They could have continued the relationship at the time, but chose to remain friends instead, and she started dating someone else soon afterwards.

 

But I'm just having a really hard time inteacting with her socially and seeing them together. Should I discuss this with her, or at least let her know that I only recently found out so that she can give me and my husband some space to work this out? What do you guys think about my hubbie's behavior? Am I overreacting?

 

thanks for listening!

[StartingAgain]

That was a long time ago and during a period when the two of you AGREED to see other people. It makes on difference what he did during that period. He was not yours then, but was a free man. He did NOTHING wrong. What and who he did is none of your business. You should never have asked, but worked on your own problem of insane jealousy. In the end, he chose you. Isn't that enough?

 

You bet you are overreacting. This has nothing to do with your husband or his friend. It has to do with you and only you. You need to get a grip on this and do it fast. You let this poison your relationship with your husband, he won't be your husband long.

[Debster]

I don't think you have a right to be pissed about him sleeping with her, drunken or not. But I DO think you have a right to be upset that he never told you.

 

While nothing can be done about it now, just make sure that your husband nows that you appreciate knowing ALL the story. He can take that as a lesson learned and you can get passed this.