Dad wants me to apologize to Uncle for something I didn't do

[pink_sugar]

So 4 years ago my uncle was not invited to my wedding because for one, I am not that close with him and two, he threatened to kill my H if anything happened to me when I moved out at 18. My H didn't do anything and maybe my Uncle was concerned, but like I said, my Uncle has never been much part of my life. He's always acted out in this way and is more than rough around the edges. Anyways, long story short, he holds a grudge against me for not inviting him to my wedding and writing him a letter calmly explaining how I felt about the situation. My dad doesn't think I should have written him a letter, but I only said how I felt. It's been 4 years and my dad wants me to apologize just to clear the air. I don't see why I should apologize because I don't feel I did anything wrong. If my Uncle still has a problem with it, that's his issue. I'd consider clearing the air if it was a close relative, but we're not close and there's really no point in apologizing for something I did so long ago. According to my Uncle, he has no niece and practically disowned me. What do I tell my dad to get him off my back about "making amends"?

[january2011]

Tell him that you've made your decision and you're not open to discussing it again.

[Radu]

Tell him that you've made your decision and you're not open to discussing it again.

 

Your uncle sounds like an *******.

 

Tell him that the good ppls of the internets don't like him.

[HVane]

I agree with the above -- you are a grown-up, you'll deal with your own issues, and no one can make you apologize if you don't feel it's appropriate.

 

Daddy needs to back off.

[darkmoon]

you are not a child - it's a rude awakening for your violence-prone uncle, but you are now his equal as an adult - your loyalty is with Husband, your uncle's "has no neice" is maniplative -

 

uncle owes you a sorry for the threat

[pink_sugar]

Thanks everyone. His threats were as follows: He had taken my H, then boyfriend, outside alone and said literally "I will chop you up into pieces and put you in the desert where no one will find you." My husband was close to horrified, even though this is my typical Uncle. My H had done nothing at all to anyone, but my dad says "that's just how he is". This was on my graduation day from high school...was not happy to say the least. My husband was not comfortable having my Uncle at the wedding for a good reason. LOL:rolleyes:

[shorty7]

Just to be clear, where are you from, again?

 

I see that the uncle may have been a little overboard with the death threats and all but to his defense, you were 19 and 25-ish at the time, right?

 

I can see that your uncle stepped some inappropriate boundaries with some extremely unsuitable words, but the concern about you getting married so young would/could have come from anyone in your family.

 

I'm sorry if I don't sound like I'm on your side, but I kinda did the same thing to the punk my sister moved in with straight out of high school. It was a job my dad should have done and inappropriate for me to step on those lines, but the dude was a complete *****head and my parents knew there wasn't anything my sister was going to listen to what my parents had to say (they also don't speak English to carry on that level of a conversation). I did talk to her that I cared for her choices and she's free to make her own mistakes whether I agree with her or not. Then I went to the punk and said I disliked him because of his attitude and I don't care what the hell he thought about me, but I do mind that he damn better care as much about her as I do. The jackass is out of her life now and she's acknowledged she'd made a mistake with him by making a choice to leave him (on her accord, btw)--which was fine enough for me.

 

Not ALL teenage / high-school sweetheart couples end up like my sister or "married happily ever after," but there's good reason for people who care about you to be concerned about a 19 year old getting married to or moving in with someone 6 years older. I agree that your uncle and your father needs some amount of respect issues worked out, but I don't agree with what you're doing here on LS trying to paint your family like they're the bad ones. It makes you look very childish and ragging on your family for what crud they did to you on your wedding day 3-4 years after the fact doesn't help it.

 

I can see that you're not close to your family, but I don't fault parents for wanting their child to get along with their siblings. Maybe you should re-consider re-evaluating your relationship with your uncle. Did he mean to hurt your then bf, now husband, period, or was he saying that he would do those things hypothetically, if your husband ever wronged you? There's a distinct difference in intent for those two. That really needs to be clarified.

 

Your uncle was inappropriate in both actions and in behavior. But you took that personally and decided to stoop to his level by not inviting him. What's done cannot be undone. What you can say to your father is "look, I'll apologize for hurting his feelings by not sending out an invitation, but he really scared the living daylights out of my soon-to-be-husband and I really didn't appreciate it." And yes, follow up to your uncle with exactly those. You could be sorry for hurting his feelings, but you're not sorry about NOT inviting him because you felt that his presence would have risen some concern about safety.

 

sorry, hope you can take the advice with a grain of salt.

Edited May 29, 2012 by shorty7

[pink_sugar]

I am not trying to make them all look bad, I am simply expressing how I feel about what's been going on and it might seem to look that way, but I really need to vent. My family is pretty crazy and my dad and uncle aren't very well liked people at all. My uncle is a creep and told me I was sexy...at 10 years old. This is the same guy that exposed himself to little girls as a late teenager to get his rocks off. This is also the same guy that likes to carry around guns like toys. So him going around saying he's going to kill people isn't surprising to us. I don't necessarily think it's stooping to his level by not inviting him. I'm not close to him and never have been. People can invite as many or as little as they want on their wedding day. My husband has never done anything to my dad or my uncle, nor given them a reason to act that way. When I express things of the past, it's only to empasize the point in relation to certain topics to certain people who are having similar problems if I feel it has any relevance. 6 years is nothing when I see 19 year olds on here shacking up with guys 15 and 20 years older than them.

Edited May 30, 2012 by pink_sugar

[Radu]

I was actually gonna post that shorty7 does have a point, but if even half of what you said about your uncle is right then it's a wonder he doesn't have a pedo file with the police and your dad is probably warped in thinking if he thinks this guy is ok.

 

The comment he gave to you when you were 10 doesn't scare me as much [though i do think it's highly inapropriate], because quite honestly i don't have a daughter and i don't know your society, and i have seen parents parade their 10 yr old daughter in 'sexy' outfits before, but the rest is ... WOW.

[MuscleCarFan]

I am pink_sugar's husband and I think that her dad and uncle are douchebags. It has been 4 years since we got married and to hold a grudge for that long is sad. With that said, I thought he was okay until he took me aside and said he would butcher me and hide my body parts in the desert. Definitely not someone you would invite to a wedding.

[Jethro]

Your uncle is an idiot and has things totally backwards. He should be THANKING you for not inviting him to your wedding. He's obviously got defective brain cells. No one ever wants to go to a wedding, unless you are part of the wedding party, think about it. Have you ever gotten an invite to a wedding and said to yourself, "Oh man, I sure am gonna have a good time sitting at a table with people I don't know, eating what is basically dressed up cafeteria food!" You don't hear people saying, "Oh baby, I can't wait to dance my head off all night to the Village People with Aunt Flo!" And if your father has a problem with it, tell him his brother is a jerk. Be honest with your father. You are married, you are an adult and if he doesn't respect your opinion, then father or not, you have bigger issues than if your violent, pervert uncle is all broken up about not being at your wedding.

[pink_sugar]

Haha yeah, good point. Especially if it's a distant wedding. I actually wished we kept it small because a nice chunk of people had to leave early to get on the road. I'd rather just not go!