Leaving my husband

[Verdi]

I will keep this as short as possible, but basically, I need to speak to others who have gone through this because I am an emotional wreck and I have never been so scared and so worried in my life.

 

The reason I am leaving is because over the years, I have felt a change in myself. I feel like I am not the person he married. We met when I was 21. 3 days later, we were living together. Within 2 months, I find out I am pregnant with our daughter. We married when she was 18 months old. I was 23. We then had a son after we got married, bought a house, and continued our lives together.

 

Fast forward to now, I am 27, and for the past two years, I have just been on a rollercoaster of emotions, and have forced him to take that ride with me. I'm leaving. No I'm not. I have to leave. I can't. Finally, I admitted to myself after lying to everyone around me and to myself that I was just not in love with this person anymore. I just can't keep doing this to him. I love him very much and care about him and I don't want to hurt him, but I realize that is not possible.

 

We are both very civil people. He is giving me all the time I need to figure things out. We both agreed that since I am the one who wants to leave, I should do just that. So, I will be looking for places. I have faith that this will remain amicable, but I don't know how his emotions will present themselves eventually.

 

I am seeking advice on several matters, so if you can help or relate and share a story, I would appreciate it.

 

I have been staying at home with the kids for years now. I have no money of my own. What am I entitled to? I don't want to make the courts get involved with alimony or child support. What can I even ask for? The house is in his name, but I made this house a home. Everything in here was bought by and designed by me. We re-did the whole house when we moved in. What about all the things that were given to us during the wedding? I mean, the things that you physically cannot split in half.

 

Also, I am extremely worried about my kids. They are 4 and 2, and I am just terrified of affecting them too much. I know the adjustment will be a little hard at first, but we plan on doing it very gradually.

 

Can anyone offer any advice or tell me how their kids dealt with the whole thing? Any "good" way of easing them into it. A few minutes ago, I walked by the refrigerater and literally lost my composure when I saw a family picture my daughter had drawn. It kills me. It breaks my heart...

[stillafool]

You need to get a job now because as you know you will have to work. Since you both are civil perhaps your belongings can be split. I'm sure your husband will give you things to make your kids life easier. You may think you won't need child support but you will see how difficult it will be without it. Even with a job and child support it will be rough. You may have to go back to school and to get a good paying job for you and your kids.

[Philosoraptor]

Have you went to individual and couples counseling? Your unhappiness seems to come from within rather than from the marriage... so why give that up?

 

From what you're saying you really don't have any good reasons to end things and split up your family.

 

You obviously rushed through life and seem to want to take a step back and figure out who you are and what you want. What you need to realize is that you can't step back and by stepping away you could give up the family and home that you love.

 

I'm not saying that things will work but they are not nearly as desperate as you are making them. You're unhappy with you, so change you. Join a club, learn a new craft, foster your own growth. Seek counseling and figure out where you want to go with your life before you cut ties with the life you have now.

[KathyM]

Before you make any permanent, life-changing decisions, get counseling to make sure you have thought this through completely. The decision to divorce will be extremely hard on your kids, and you owe it to them and to yourself to try to make your marriage work. Once you make the decision to leave and take the steps to leave, it is very hard to retract them if you realize later that you should have stayed. Get counseling before taking any steps to leave. Counseling has helped a lot of people to get their marriage back on track. You've made some very big decisions in your life with very little thought or preparation. Don't make another one (the decision to divorce) in the same manner. Your children need you to be a mature, stable parent. This is a huge decision that will affect their lives for the rest of their life. Give it a lot of thought, preferably with a counselor, before making any major, lifelong decisions. What issues may seem overwhelming right now may be able to be resolved with guidance from a counselor.

[Balzac]

If you are serious you would be wise to meet with a lawyer specializing in family law. Each state varies. Many clients have preliminary consults and never get to the filing of divorce. You need information from a professional. You mention nothing about your education nor career aspirations. In theory you can still be a full time stay at home mom.

 

On the comment you made about being a different person~~parenthood and maturity changes us all.

[Verdi]

The reason I am leaving is because I have been thinking about it for quite some time now. Even before we got married, I doubted myself. I am a young, attractive woman. I get a lot of male attention, and recently I have been having a very hard time fighting the urge. I am not having an affair, or cheating on my husband, but there have been times where I would say my behavior could have been considered slightly inappropriate for someone who is married. (i.e. flirty texts, hanging out with other guys that I knew liked me, giving my phone number to people... etc...)

 

Basically, he doesn't deserve this type of behavior, and I have tried many times to stop and just to be 100% devoted to him, and I just can't. I feel that I am just not meant to be in a committed relationship. I feel that at age 27, I am too young to give up my happiness for the sake of my husband's. I am more than willing to do counseling, but I think that would be more to learn how to deal with this properly, and have someone guide us through this experience in a positive way. My biggest concern is the kids.

 

As far as work, I do have a real job lined up. I have been looking at apartments, but I do need a lot of money to purchase new things and have money for 1st, last and security on an apartment.

 

I am not even sure at this point if he will be willing to give it another try after this is the 4th time I suggested a separation. We separated once last year, but it didn't last long and I never even had the opportunity to move out yet... and during that time, it just made my head spin so much, that I chickened out and we "reconciled" and I convinced myself I was happy. I thought I was because it felt good to just breath a sigh of relief that we didn't have to go through this mess right now. That things were back to "normal". But normal is me not wanting to be there.

 

I do suffer from depression at times, but I think the depression stems from me feeling like I am missing out on a possibly happier life. I became depressed because I was living a lie. After this all came out recently, I have been feeling much happier and more bubbly, and feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. I go through many emotions, as expected, so I feel different from day to day... hour to hour... there was nothing in the marriage that made me unhappy. He is great. Great husband, great father. I am just not into him like that anymore. I don't want to sleep with him. I hardly even want to kiss him. Actually, I don't. I don't caress him like I used to. I don't look him in the eyes and think how much I love him... it's just a different love than it used to be...

Edited May 29, 2012 by Verdi

[KathyM]

Your children need you to be a responsible mother and parent, not some flighty teenager looking to sew her wild oats. That ship has sailed, and it's time to put their needs ahead of your own and be a responsible parent who will provide them with the stability they need in their life. You can regain your attraction to your spouse if you'll stop entertaining thoughts of others and having one foot out the door all the time.

[Philosoraptor]

So you've thought about it and have went back and forth for years now? Again, your unhappiness is from within as you are unsatisfied with your life right now. For yourself, your husband, and your children, please go to counseling. You are very confused right now and this is in no way the right time to make such a huge decision. Therapy will help you figure out the right path to take and ask you the hard questions to help you analyze your current position.

 

Long term relationships take effort and everyone goes through times where they just don't feel like things will work. If you put the effort in you can make it work. About the same age as yours my mother had 2 children as well and they were fighting so much that my mother fell out of love with my father. Instead of bailing they fought for their marriage and their family and now they've been married I believe 33 years.

 

I'm not usually so blunt but if you'd like a reality check you're a 27 year old mother of two. Your dating options are limited by having children and will get more limited as it will take you years to recover from this. Add in the baby daddy drama that the new partner will feel and you've got yourself a very limited dating pool. Sure you can get nailed by a bunch of guys based on your looks but it's hard to find someone willing to take on the burden of someone else's children.

[HVane]

Verdi, you got married too young. It's ok, it happens. If you do want to leave, and it sounds like you do, get over your antipathy to legal support. Talk to a lawyer and make sure you get adequate child support for your children. Sorry, I know it sounds awful, but it's not about you...it's about your kids.

 

And I wish you well.

[Verdi]

Your children need you to be a responsible mother and parent, not some flighty teenager looking to sew her wild oats. That ship has sailed, and it's time to put their needs ahead of your own and be a responsible parent who will provide them with the stability they need in their life. You can regain your attraction to your spouse if you'll stop entertaining thoughts of others and having one foot out the door all the time.

 

 

I am not leaving my husband so I can go off and date other men. I *21* when we met. I never had the chance to live the life that I wanted to live. I understand how this may come off as selfish, but I feel I am actually being selfless by leaving. I am unhappy. So instead of staying and lying to my husband and putting on a show for my kids, I am making changes where I can be happy, and enjoy my life with my children. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my children to stay in this environment? ...and then god forbid they come to their own conclusion one day that we only stayed together for them, you think that won't screw them up more?

 

I wasn't asking to be analyzed or told what to do. My mind has been made up. It has been going on for 2 years. I have tried to regain attraction to my husband, it never works. Even when I was "back in love", or so I thought, I still didn't have that attraction.

 

I came here to ask for advice on how to go about this separation and to ask other people how they dealt with their small kids in these cases. I didn't ask to be belittled. I am sorry if you have strong marital values. I see things differently. The reason the divorce rate is higher than ever now is because there are more and more people accepting the fact that sometimes things just don't work. These days, people are accepting of divorce and don't immediately judge, which often caused people to stay in unhappy marriages, because they were worried about what people would say. People like you, really.

[Verdi]

Verdi, you got married too young. It's ok, it happens. If you do want to leave, and it sounds like you do, get over your antipathy to legal support. Talk to a lawyer and make sure you get adequate child support for your children. Sorry, I know it sounds awful, but it's not about you...it's about your kids.

 

And I wish you well.

 

 

Thank you. I completely agree. They are my only concern right now. They are the reason I am so worried and so scared...

[Verdi]

So you've thought about it and have went back and forth for years now? Again, your unhappiness is from within as you are unsatisfied with your life right now. For yourself, your husband, and your children, please go to counseling. You are very confused right now and this is in no way the right time to make such a huge decision. Therapy will help you figure out the right path to take and ask you the hard questions to help you analyze your current position.

 

Long term relationships take effort and everyone goes through times where they just don't feel like things will work. If you put the effort in you can make it work. About the same age as yours my mother had 2 children as well and they were fighting so much that my mother fell out of love with my father. Instead of bailing they fought for their marriage and their family and now they've been married I believe 33 years.

 

I'm not usually so blunt but if you'd like a reality check you're a 27 year old mother of two. Your dating options are limited by having children and will get more limited as it will take you years to recover from this. Add in the baby daddy drama that the new partner will feel and you've got yourself a very limited dating pool. Sure you can get nailed by a bunch of guys based on your looks but it's hard to find someone willing to take on the burden of someone else's children.

 

 

I am not confused. ...and that's just not true. The line about my dating options being limited... trust me.

[Balzac]

Young children are very adaptable. If their parents are happy and making the adjustment, your kids will be fine.

[HVane]

Verdi, there are always people ready to beat us up for our decisions.

 

Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart.

[KathyM]

I am not leaving my husband so I can go off and date other men. I *21* when we met. I never had the chance to live the life that I wanted to live. I understand how this may come off as selfish, but I feel I am actually being selfless by leaving. I am unhappy. So instead of staying and lying to my husband and putting on a show for my kids, I am making changes where I can be happy, and enjoy my life with my children. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my children to stay in this environment? ...and then god forbid they come to their own conclusion one day that we only stayed together for them, you think that won't screw them up more?

 

I wasn't asking to be analyzed or told what to do. My mind has been made up. It has been going on for 2 years. I have tried to regain attraction to my husband, it never works. Even when I was "back in love", or so I thought, I still didn't have that attraction.

 

I came here to ask for advice on how to go about this separation and to ask other people how they dealt with their small kids in these cases. I didn't ask to be belittled. I am sorry if you have strong marital values. I see things differently. The reason the divorce rate is higher than ever now is because there are more and more people accepting the fact that sometimes things just don't work. These days, people are accepting of divorce and don't immediately judge, which often caused people to stay in unhappy marriages, because they were worried about what people would say. People like you, really.

You said yourself that you are leaving because you feel you are missing out on something by staying. You are already handing out your phone number to other men and playing up to other men. Apparently, that's the lifestyle that you want--that you feel you have missed out on. I'm encouraging you to be a more responsible person and think of the best interests of your children. What looks good on the other side of the fence--the single life, is not all it's cracked up to be, and your children will pay the price for your decision to pursue that. How about putting on a show for your kids that you are fighting for your marriage? You are trying to make it work. What a great lesson that would be for them, rather than the lesson you will be teaching them if you leave. If you leave, the lesson they will learn is that, as soon as you are not happy in your marriage, you throw in the towel. You said you are suffering from depression. That might be why you are feeling this dissatisfaction that you think leaving your marriage will cure. Get help for your depression before making any life-changing decisions. I'm encouraging you to seek counseling for your depression and to help you come to terms with all the issues involved in this major life decision before making this life-changing decision. I thought that was helpful advice, but apparently you have already made up your mind that you are leaving. So the best way to help your children handle this decision is to make sure your divorce is an amicable one, that you assure them that you and their father will always be there for them, and make sure you spend the time with them that they will need from you.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

Given that you have decided to D your H there are a few steps you should take.

 

1) inform your H in no uncertain terms you are filing for D.

2) retain a lawyer (use marital funds) and file for D

3) secure income and babysitting/daycare

4) secure a home

5) stop hanging out with men who are flirty with you (for now)

6) separate accounts and $$ and assets. I advise you do this at the kitchen table

7) IC for you and family therapy for you and your kids

8) Live

 

Those are in a nutshell your next steps.

 

D is NOT the end and ruination of your children. Children need involved and loving parents (yes both) not married ones. Put them first.

 

Realize that life as a single mother is HARD. You have no idea how hard, how tiring, how exhausting and "un-fun" it is. I simply wish to set your expectations here. It is NOT all fun and games. It's NOT a sitcom. I suppose I say this because I have the I

Pressing that what is making you happy is this singles scene you seem to describe. You won't have it - at least not as you imagine (if at all)

 

I'll simply say the dating pool at 27 is extensive. For D single mom with two kids under 5 - it's decidedly less so. If your driving force is a longing for this dating scene - the single life you never had - you are going to be profoundly disappointed. Reality and fantasy rarely coincide.

 

A realistic expectation is to be face a period of adjustment. At least a year really.

 

Then it gets easier.

 

Keep posting. You'll find plenty of helpful souls here.

[pteromom]

I agree that you need some individual counseling before making this decision.

 

It may be possible for you to be happy within this marriage. If you feel you aren't who you want to be, working on that and becoming who you want to be is something you can do while married.

 

When you get to a place where you really like yourself and like your life, if your marriage is the one part of your life you are unhappy, THEN proceed with divorce.

 

But I'd start with making personal changes to become who you want to be, and then see how your marriage fits with the "real" you.

[Verdi]

jwi, thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate them.

 

 

To everyone else, has it not been made clear yet that the decision has already been made? Please stop telling me to see a counselor. I do not need someone to tell me that I am not in love. No one can make me magically fall in love again.

 

The reason I even mentioned my behavior with other men is because I realize, in that, that if I was truly happy and in love, I would not treat my husband this way. I have never cheated on anyone I have been with, or acted in any inappropriate ways. Why now? It says a lot about who I am and the fact that I am just not happy. Bottom line. We communicate very well, we talk about everything. We are both very mature and understanding people. I have talked to him about this and he knows what is happening, and is not surprised or blindsided. So, in a way I really don't feel as though it will be as hard to be a single mother, because he will still be a part of our lives almost every day. We're not going to share custody like most people do. We're going to do what works best for us and our schedules. It really is all very civil. My only concern was how to proceed with my kids and basically how do I even go about doing this? Do I tell them? Do I kinda just not say anything and ease them into a new living situation and eventually they'll just get used to it and kinda realize that mommy and daddy just don't live in the same house anymore?

[pteromom]

My only concern was how to proceed with my kids and basically how do I even go about doing this? Do I tell them? Do I kinda just not say anything and ease them into a new living situation and eventually they'll just get used to it and kinda realize that mommy and daddy just don't live in the same house anymore?

 

You need to be honest with them. Anything you don't say, children will fill in the blanks themselves, and they will fill them in a way that it is their fault.

 

As far as your other comment about the decision being made, I stand by my advice. You are free to ignore it. I am not one of those people who believe if you made a vow you should stay no matter what, and I do not think you are bad or wrong for wanting to leave.

 

I am just going by what you yourself stated. Read what you wrote as if a stranger wrote it. It sounds to me that your unhappiness stems from YOU - you aren't who you want to be. This is something that doesn't stem from your marriage, and even if you get out of your marriage, you will still be you.

[darkmoon]

divorce proceedings can throw up bad behaviour, the nice but dull husband can use solicitiors to scare, sample verbiage from a female divorcee counsellor whose book i read "overheard by the wife just outside the courtroom, was a statement made by the husband's solicitor

 

'let's scare the hell out of her and go for custody of the children'

 

the same book told of most divorced women having alot less to live on, but many found this to be no problem and were happier free, but finding a lawyer who did not suggest that the wife in court must act sweet or be judged harshly was difficult, instead you want business-like assertiveness so choose a good lawyer

 

the book also said that ex-husbands may not play nice when it comes to helping with surprise bills such as ballet lessons or kid's new shoes, may also stall regular maintenance requiring more court

 

and many, one third i think, of ex-husbands end up nor bothering to keep in touch with the children at all, once divorced, it is quite hard to be a single mother of two, lonely at home, unless you have a good plan for the next ten years

 

let's be careful out there...

Edited May 29, 2012 by darkmoon

[2sunny]

Since you have already decided - it's best to do counseling in order to help be the best parents you can be for your kids.

 

Everything will change for all of you. It should help with adjusting to those changes.

 

Best wishes.

[Verdi]

Since you have already decided - it's best to do counseling in order to help be the best parents you can be for your kids.

 

Everything will change for all of you. It should help with adjusting to those changes.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

I absolutely intend on doing this. I think it cannot hurt to have someone help us both through this and to also help him understand why, by speaking to me, that I am doing this. It might give him some sort of peace, and at the same time will help me to cope with the guilt that I feel.

[Verdi]

You need to be honest with them. Anything you don't say, children will fill in the blanks themselves, and they will fill them in a way that it is their fault.

 

As far as your other comment about the decision being made, I stand by my advice. You are free to ignore it. I am not one of those people who believe if you made a vow you should stay no matter what, and I do not think you are bad or wrong for wanting to leave.

 

I am just going by what you yourself stated. Read what you wrote as if a stranger wrote it. It sounds to me that your unhappiness stems from YOU - you aren't who you want to be. This is something that doesn't stem from your marriage, and even if you get out of your marriage, you will still be you.

 

 

My unhappiness stems from me being with someone that I am not in love with. So yes, I am unhappy. When he is away for work, and I am here by myself with the kids, I feel happy. I feel relief now that I don't have to pretend to act a certain way around him. My friends noticed a change in me. I call them more often, I wanna get together and do things that don't have to involve heavy drinking for me to enjoy myself. I was drowning my sorrows. I was living a lie. I am now not, therefore I am finally happy.

[john4jane]

sorry to hear your going through this

Edited May 30, 2012 by john4jane

[worldgonewrong]

and many, one third i think, of ex-husbands end up nor bothering to keep in touch with the children at all, once divorced,

 

Just wow...

 

I wonder how the book extrapolates that particular figure.

 

There must be some socio-economic/demographic statistic that plays into this -- meaning, wayward fathers who didn't want to be fathers in the first place, or they were poor n' ignorant n' just plain stupid.

 

As a dad on the cusp of divorce, that idea is abhorrent to me. My kids are everything.