Leaving my husband

[Character Floss]

As someone who is good at rationalizing his own behavior, I will ask you to consider the following:'

 

You want/need the divorce for you and your happiness, and you are expectant/hopeful that if you become happier, as a result, your children will have happier lives as well, and your then ex-husband will be free to find a deeper happiness than he has known with you.

 

I have a co-worker who was with her ex for seventeen years. He was a good father, provider, husband (for the most part), etc., but in her heart she knew she did not love him. They divorced, and because she had substantial premarital assets and they share near 50/50 custody, they did so without any child support or maintenance (alimony). Her children have not shown any real issues of maladjustment to this situation and it's been five years now. She was perhaps 33 at the time.

 

Child support will be determined largely by the state and how much time each of you have the children with you. If he is willing to pay alimony for some limited time (five years perhaps) to help you get on your feet, that would be wonderful and a court might require that.

 

Finally, be careful for your children. On the one end, you need to be careful and weed out those who might be attracted to you for access to your children. On the other end, make sure you establish clear boundaries regarding any man/men in your life and your children.

 

It sounds like you are done, stick-a-fork-in-it done, so don't worry about counseling except as it helps the two of you create the best new environment for your children. Hopefully your husband will never say to your children things such as, "When mom left us..." Frankly, my wife has done that for years with her son, speaking of how her ex-husband left them/walked out on them--when it was my wife that he was leaving. If that is avoided, that's a huge plus. Best wishes.

[bestplayer]

I absolutely intend on doing this. I think it cannot hurt to have someone help us both through this and to also help him understand why, by speaking to me, that I am doing this. It might give him some sort of peace, and at the same time will help me to cope with the guilt that I feel.

 

I really dont understand why would you decide to marry & have kids with your H when you didn't love him ? I think you are trying to justify your decison to mess up your H's life by simply saying " I am sorry I have changed & now want someone new " .

 

Trust me , given your mindset , your H isn't going to be the last man whom you will get bored with & dump for someone new .

 

The learning here is " dont trust & decide to marry a woman when she says she loves me .

[soserious1]

I will keep this as short as possible, but basically, I need to speak to others who have gone through this because I am an emotional wreck and I have never been so scared and so worried in my life.

 

The reason I am leaving is because over the years, I have felt a change in myself. I feel like I am not the person he married. We met when I was 21. 3 days later, we were living together. Within 2 months, I find out I am pregnant with our daughter. We married when she was 18 months old. I was 23. We then had a son after we got married, bought a house, and continued our lives together.

 

Fast forward to now, I am 27, and for the past two years, I have just been on a rollercoaster of emotions, and have forced him to take that ride with me. I'm leaving. No I'm not. I have to leave. I can't. Finally, I admitted to myself after lying to everyone around me and to myself that I was just not in love with this person anymore. I just can't keep doing this to him. I love him very much and care about him and I don't want to hurt him, but I realize that is not possible.

 

We are both very civil people. He is giving me all the time I need to figure things out. We both agreed that since I am the one who wants to leave, I should do just that. So, I will be looking for places. I have faith that this will remain amicable, but I don't know how his emotions will present themselves eventually.

 

I am seeking advice on several matters, so if you can help or relate and share a story, I would appreciate it.

 

I have been staying at home with the kids for years now. I have no money of my own. What am I entitled to? I don't want to make the courts get involved with alimony or child support. What can I even ask for? The house is in his name, but I made this house a home. Everything in here was bought by and designed by me. We re-did the whole house when we moved in. What about all the things that were given to us during the wedding? I mean, the things that you physically cannot split in half.

 

Also, I am extremely worried about my kids. They are 4 and 2, and I am just terrified of affecting them too much. I know the adjustment will be a little hard at first, but we plan on doing it very gradually.

 

Can anyone offer any advice or tell me how their kids dealt with the whole thing? Any "good" way of easing them into it. A few minutes ago, I walked by the refrigerater and literally lost my composure when I saw a family picture my daughter had drawn. It kills me. It breaks my heart...

 

You are unhappy. You wish to leave, unless your husband has been physically abusive, is alcoholic, addicted to drugs or has served time in prison you should be the one to leave ... Alone.. The children should remain in the marital home with their father with you being granted standard visitation. You should receive 1/2 of the marital assets & also be court ordered to obtain employment ASAP, a tempory child support obligation should also be ordered against you, with that order being reviewed and modified upward once you are working.

 

Absent abuse, he owes you nothing more IMHO.

[Radu]

I am not leaving my husband so I can go off and date other men. I *21* when we met. I never had the chance to live the life that I wanted to live. I understand how this may come off as selfish, but I feel I am actually being selfless by leaving. I am unhappy. So instead of staying and lying to my husband and putting on a show for my kids, I am making changes where I can be happy, and enjoy my life with my children. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my children to stay in this environment? ...and then god forbid they come to their own conclusion one day that we only stayed together for them, you think that won't screw them up more?

 

I wasn't asking to be analyzed or told what to do. My mind has been made up. It has been going on for 2 years. I have tried to regain attraction to my husband, it never works. Even when I was "back in love", or so I thought, I still didn't have that attraction.

 

I came here to ask for advice on how to go about this separation and to ask other people how they dealt with their small kids in these cases. I didn't ask to be belittled. I am sorry if you have strong marital values. I see things differently. The reason the divorce rate is higher than ever now is because there are more and more people accepting the fact that sometimes things just don't work. These days, people are accepting of divorce and don't immediately judge, which often caused people to stay in unhappy marriages, because they were worried about what people would say. People like you, really.

 

What ?

You are leaving your husband to be with other men, you said it yourself that you didn't have time to play around and got married pretty fast.

You mentioned how you moved in 3d, you got preggers in 2 months.

The first paragraph is all about you, about what you do for youself ... how selfless it is indeed.

 

You aren't selfless by leaving, by leaving you are indulging your wants, no matter how you spin it.

Your husband knows what you are going through, you separated four -4- times so far, his feelings are already messed up.

 

While many may choose to leave a marriage because of unhappines, many more leave it because they lack the maturity to have a marriage.

Many will leave and still leave because in the modern world, they only go with 1 foot in the marriage, and another out the door instead of commiting fully to the ideea of it.

Kids who grow up in divorced homes to parents who simply divorced civil because they were not meant for each other do end up ok, but in your case it isn't divorce for a mismatch of character so much as it sounds ... well, i'll leave you at that.

 

On a personal level, i don't think you truly tried to find love for him, and if i was in your husband's shoes i would feel you were very entitled.

You were a SAHM, while he worked [how many hs a week did he work], and you couldn't handle even that.

I'm honestly surprised your husband is not disgusted by you.

 

The fact that you are snapping back at the ppl who told you what they think of your choices hints at their comments hitting home.

Mature ppl don't snap, mature ppl take comments into consideration and analyse themselves to see if those comments have merit or not.

 

You know what's the best thing you can do for your family ?

Just decide already, stop dragging them along on this idiotic journey of 'self-discovery' which shows you have too much time on your hands.

Decide what you want to do, do it, and if you do divorce, don't screw over the father in this all thing because then you might end up screwing your kids.

Your kids need their father in this, if he is a good one. They need someone who is a good rolemodel.

And most importantly, come to an understanding with him, that you do not end up presenting tons of 'uncle' and 'aunt' to the kids whom you've only known for weeks.

8-9 months of dating before introducing them to your kids, and choose well.

That is your responsability.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Radu

[Steen719]

Just wow...

 

I wonder how the book extrapolates that particular figure.

 

There must be some socio-economic/demographic statistic that plays into this -- meaning, wayward fathers who didn't want to be fathers in the first place, or they were poor n' ignorant n' just plain stupid.

 

As a dad on the cusp of divorce, that idea is abhorrent to me. My kids are everything.

 

That is because you and others on here who try so hard to make things good for their kids are not like these men. Like you said on another thread...apples and oranges. Those men don't begin to compare.

[soserious1]

I am not leaving my husband so I can go off and date other men. I *21* when we met. I never had the chance to live the life that I wanted to live. I understand how this may come off as selfish, but I feel I am actually being selfless by leaving. I am unhappy. So instead of staying and lying to my husband and putting on a show for my kids, I am making changes where I can be happy, and enjoy my life with my children. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my children to stay in this environment? ...and then god forbid they come to their own conclusion one day that we only stayed together for them, you think that won't screw them up more?

 

I wasn't asking to be analyzed or told what to do. My mind has been made up. It has been going on for 2 years. I have tried to regain attraction to my husband, it never works. Even when I was "back in love", or so I thought, I still didn't have that attraction.

 

I came here to ask for advice on how to go about this separation and to ask other people how they dealt with their small kids in these cases. I didn't ask to be belittled. I am sorry if you have strong marital values. I see things differently. The reason the divorce rate is higher than ever now is because there are more and more people accepting the fact that sometimes things just don't work. These days, people are accepting of divorce and don't immediately judge, which often caused people to stay in unhappy marriages, because they were worried about what people would say. People like you, really.

 

Verdi, judging by everything you've posted here your husband hasn't done anything wrong, you just don't want him anymore. Why should he have to pay for that by basically losing his children & having to fork over large payments to you?

 

Since you are the one who wants out,why shouldn't you be the one to leave? Your kids are very young,why don't they deserve to remain in their home? Why should your husband & kids be punished for how you feel?

 

Do the right thing, share custody but leave the children with their father, get a small place, use your time to go to school & get the skills needed to get a decent career going.

[Owl]

Verdi...a simple set of questions for you.

 

What improves when you're divorced? What is it in your life that will change for the positive as a result of ending your marriage to him...and why? How do you envision that your life will be better as a result of this decision?

 

I want to understand what a divorce "gains" for you in this instance? What does it fix in your life that you can't fix any other way?

[2sunny]

What is it - EXACTLY - that you intend to accomplish when you leave?

 

What did YOU lose about yourself while you have been married?

 

What will it look like when you divorce?

 

How are YOU going to make these changes happen to you?

 

What's the plan/goal - and how do you intend to get to that goal?

[freetolove]

It's selfish for abandoning your husband and children. He had to give up his freedom too.

 

But, I think finding yourself is important, getting a job, all those things are important. Finding your true voice is important. You are leaving your husband, I think you are taking him for granted, someone who's been there for you the whole time.

 

It's a tough choice and it isn't going to easy, it'll be a long journey but if done correctly, will be worth it.

[Verdi]

Verdi, judging by everything you've posted here your husband hasn't done anything wrong, you just don't want him anymore. Why should he have to pay for that by basically losing his children & having to fork over large payments to you?

 

Since you are the one who wants out,why shouldn't you be the one to leave? Your kids are very young,why don't they deserve to remain in their home? Why should your husband & kids be punished for how you feel?

 

Do the right thing, share custody but leave the children with their father, get a small place, use your time to go to school & get the skills needed to get a decent career going.

 

 

Where did I ever state that I was trying to take his kids away from him or keep the house? I said take the house. Take everything. I just want my car that I have, that's it. Why does everyone here assume that I do not have the proper education to secure a real job? I chose to stay at home with my kids because I wanted to be with them. I will be taking a position as an executive assistant for a large company where my compensation has already been discussed, and I will be more than set.

[2sunny]

What is it - EXACTLY - that you intend to accomplish when you leave?

 

What did YOU lose about yourself while you have been married?

 

What will it look like when you divorce?

 

How are YOU going to make these changes happen to you?

 

What's the plan/goal - and how do you intend to get to that goal?

 

Can you answer these questions? Thx!

[Verdi]

I thank all of you for your positive responses and help... the rest of you, like, I have no words. I stated over and over again that my mind is made up. I don't give a **** what divorce solves. What it will solve is me no longer being a depressed mess because I live my life a lie. So, that being said, I think I done checking the responses to this thread, because it doesn't matter how many times I have said I am not looking for people to tell me that I can still work things out. This marriage is more than done. I am in the process of moving out... it's over. You know nothing of me or my life. Again, I came here asking whether or not I should protect myself by getting a lawyer, but because I am trying to get anything from him. I know he will continue to support my kids, and help me where needed, if needed... but with this new job, I highly doubt I will need any help from him. I also asked how people coped with their kids. I wasn't looking for lectures on how much it will affect them.

 

 

So again, thank you to those who tried to answer the actual questions I asked... the rest, what a waste...

[Verdi]

Sorry, I meant executive assistant to the CEO of a large company... but whatever, it doesn't matter...

[2sunny]

You're so focused on telling about the job position that you aren't giving any info that we can work from - which could possibly help you.

 

Do you have anyone you are communicating with now - that you are focused on?

[pteromom]

So again, thank you to those who tried to answer the actual questions I asked... the rest, what a waste...

 

It's up to you whether you want to weigh what people are saying or not. Sometimes strangers who aren't in a situation see things differently than someone who is in it.

 

If you are done, you are done. It doesn't matter what anyone here says anyway.

 

But we DID take the time to answer you. To share what we see in your situation. Too bad you see that as "a waste" instead of at least weighing what is said before discarding it.

[Radu]

Wow, look at all those comments hitting home in that reaction.

 

And you have kids OP ...

 

Ok, here's some advice ... get therapy, good therapy.

You have a lot of pent-up anger which you seem to lash out at ppl when they ask the hard questions, granted it could have become a bit tedious to answer them but your lack of decisiveness [4 break-ups], and your lashing out shows a lot.

In this thread you pretty much declared that the marriage is your enemy, something must have moved you down this path.

Judging by the way you handled the responses in this thread, you are quite manipulative as well ... and you have kids.

 

If you care at all about your kids do this, even if you don't believe it still better safe than sorry.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Radu

[2sunny]

No matter how you dress it up - anger never looks pretty on anyone...

[g450]

Young children are very adaptable. If their parents are happy and making the adjustment, your kids will be fine.

 

BS. It will affect them the rest of their lives and you know it.

[g450]

You said:

 

"I have no money of my own. What am I entitled to?"

 

Answer: Not a damn thing! But I can guess why your asking even though later in your thread you claim to not want anything from him.

Get a job.

 

You said:

 

"Also, I am extremely worried about my kids. They are 4 and 2, and I am just terrified of affecting them too much."

 

Dont blow smoke up our butts. You could care less about your kids. If you cared for them you would fix your own issues and keep the family together.

 

You said:

 

"I am a young, attractive woman. I get a lot of male attention, and recently I have been having a very hard time fighting the urge. I am not having an affair, or cheating on my husband, but there have been times where I would say my behavior could have been considered slightly inappropriate for someone who is married. (i.e. flirty texts, hanging out with other guys that I knew liked me, giving my phone number to people... etc."

 

And here is the real reason you want out. You are immature and selfish. Just admit it. You would rather punshish your H and your children for the rest of their lives so you can party and get laid. And you refuse to fix yourself. Sad! You really think this will help your alleged depression? I have a bridge I want to sell you.

 

You said:

 

"I *21* when we met. I never had the chance to live the life that I wanted to live."

 

Oh your unhappy. Cry me a river of tears. Who exactly held a gun to your head and made you get married and have children? Suck it up and start acting like the ADULT you are supposed to be! So nice of you to sacrifice your husbands and your childres hapiness and future for you own. How big of you.

[Green Light]

Will the OP ever be "happy"?

[Tiberius]

You are chasing a fantasy. Okay you are attractive. You might get male attention a couple of years still. But soon you will find out, that there is younger and childless for men and seen as the person you are with now is civil, can you be sure the next one you settle for when you feel your opportunity window closing will be?

 

You wouldnt be the first woman who gets ridden by her dreamstud only to be dumped when he gets annoyed by you getting older and having kids.

Edited June 8, 2012 by Tiberius

[worldgonewrong]

What it will solve is me no longer being a depressed mess because I live my life a lie.

 

Nope.

It solves nothing.

If you've lived your life as a lie, then you have also horribly dragged a spouse into it AND you've created children. It's a lie that involves 3 other people then, not just your precious ego and sense of self-worth (which I think is cheap right now, as you're concerned about your outer self rather than your inner self).

You will burn the bridge of your family, and it WILL have repercussions for others, make no mistake. And having successfully abandoned that "lie" for the moment, you will create new lies to keep yourself 'happy'.

Confront your dissatisfaction on your soulful level without being destructive to the others involved (husband/kids). Otherwise, you will look for validation on your looks - which will fade - and you will be left with looking at your shallow self in the mirror at the end of the day.

The crisis you're experiencing is emanating from within, and you're looking to displace the blame on others. You have responsibility too.

[Trimmer]

I also asked how people coped with their kids. I wasn't looking for lectures on how much it will affect them.

I "coped with my kids" specifically by trying to understand just how it would affect them, so I'm in a bit of a bind, feeling like I will be giving you advice that you don't want to hear.

 

The fact is, in a lot of ways, your kids look at you and their father as one indivisible entity. They are going to have to come to terms with the breaking up of that entity, and it will likely be traumatic. Yes, kids have the potential to be resilient, but that doesn't mean this won't be a shock, and require some huge adjustments. I do believe kids can be resilient and strong, but it requires that they be properly supported through a trauma like this, and that you and their father create a suitable and supportive family atmosphere for the next decade or so. And that includes avoiding any insidious, subtle, backhanded undermining of each other, as well.

 

Kids that endure a traumatic loss like this at an early age will reprocess it at different times as they climb through different developmental levels in their journey toward adulthood, so be prepared to revisit the process again as time goes on. My son was 6 when we split, and seemed kind of happy-go-lucky at the time, but we could tell he was stuffing a lot of it down, in spite of our best efforts. Now, at 13, he is finally getting the ability to really talk about what's going on, to process it with a newly mature outlook, and he's revisiting the whole thing. It's been a little bumpy for him recently, but developmentally, it's an amazing time, and I think that it will be a good process for him. But if we just took the attitude "oh, that was a long time ago, you should be over it by now..." I think we wouldn't be serving his needs.

[health]

So what's the update? Did you leave your husband yet?

 

You should let him go.

 

Do your thing and see how that pans out.

 

Consequences consequences - you are living a lie though, to your husband - giving your number out? Hanging out with guys you know like you?

 

If I was your husband I'd leave you fast.

 

Sorry.

 

Just leave him, be responsible and tell him why.

 

Cause it's gonna come out anyway. He already feels what's going on in his gut!