Wife had EA ... Finding difficulty with trust - Long

[jthero]

I have been lurking on these forums for the last week or so. Reading all of the posts has helped some and I finally have the guts to post about my situation.

 

For the last year I have felt my wife becoming more distant. It seemed as though she never wanted to be around me. As soon as I would get home from work we would either fight or she would leave me with the kids and go out with her friends. I tried to show her more attention and even took her on a trip to Vegas for our 10 year anniversary in October. Then about November we began to fight about her phone a lot. One of her friends was going through a difficult time in her marriage and they were texting all the time. She would not let me touch her phone since there were sensitive texts from her friend. This became more and more of a problem as the months went by. Even at one point I told her that I knew that she wasn't cheating on me but that she was showing all of the signs of someone who was and threatened to hack her phone.

 

Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day. We were supposed to go downtown and spend the day with friends. She going on Friday night (girls night) and me joining on Saturday. My mom was going to watch the kids for us. On my way home Friday I had a voice mail from my Mom but did not listen to it. When I got home I asked my wife if she had talked to my mom and she said that she had and that everything was all set. Not worrying about it I played with the kids while she got ready to go and left. After the kids were in bed I then listened to the VM as I cleaned email, etc off my phone and the message was my mom saying that she could not watch the kids. I texted my wife saying that it didn't look like I could go and she immediately called me saying that my mom just called her and she was bummed. This didn't make sense to me and as the night went on I got angry over it. The next morning I checked the phone log on our account and my mom didn't call in the evening. She knew that she couldn't watch the kids and lied to me. This really angered me but I didn't contact her about it and didn't answer any texts or calls from her for the day. When she finally got home at 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning we had it out and I then decided enough was enough.

 

The next day I put a piece of software on her phone that forwarded texts to an email I set up. Not 20 minutes after I had it on there all these texts from her friend came up that were just really romantic (I was sent out to get milk). I sat in the parking lot for a bit and checked email and reading in almost real time. This obviously disturbed me. I went home and sat her down and asked why she sent inappropriate texts to her friends and quoted on of the texts. She told me that they were movie quotes from The Notebook and asked if I had done something to her phone. I told her that I had and that I didn't like her sending these things to other people (I was worried that she was falling for a woman at this point). She asked how I hacked her phone and I told her it was through our wireless router. I then hit some buttons on my phone and told her that I disabled the system. The next day I was at work and kept seeing the same texts going back and forth all day and then noticed that the number was not her friends number that is in my phone. Then it occurred to me that this was not her friend that she was texting. I had a 2 hour drive home to stew about it but when I got home I confronted her and after a lot of lying she finally broke down and told me that she had been texting a man and was thinking about leaving me. We obviously had a rough night of talking/crying. When I asked about who it was she said it was someone that she met at the grocery store and his name was Kyle. She had met him one other time but they had been texting since January and it became inappropriate at the end of January. She said that she wanted to stay with me and we changed her phone number. I was devastated. I didn't want to leave her but I didn't want to make it seem like this was ok so I would go back and forth all the time with her and make comments to make her feel as though we wouldn't work out.

 

During this time we also had been planning to get her a tummy tuck and thigh lift. I was really concerned about spending that much money on someone who did this to me but I didn't want her to continue to detach from me through resentment. The next few weeks were ok and I thought that everything was getting better. We seemed to be clicking. The morning of her surgery I took her in and kissed her. I then took the kids out all day while she was in surgery for 8 hours. Took her home and got her in bed. The next Saturday was just before Easter and she told me to go get the kids some Easter baskets. So I went out and bought them, got some Thai food, and came home to watch a movie. When I went to bed I laid next to her and slipped my arm under the pillows to give her a hug. My hand felt something which turned out to be another phone. She had been texting him again! At this point we were up all night talking and I didn't believe a thing that she said to me. So I reverse looked up the bastards number and it turned out that it was not a guy she met at the store but my 2 year olds best friends dad that worked out at her gym!

 

Here I was devastated again but she begged me not to leave and insisted that she only started talking to him again because she was afraid I was going to leaver her with nothing (She is a stay at home mom). And that the phone was paid for by her friend since they did not want to talk to her on her phone anymore since they were afraid I would be monitoring (I took the software off of her phone 2 weeks prior in front of her). I know the phone came from her friend as she asked for it when I went to their gym. The bastard left the gym as a requirement from his wife and my wife couldn't go to the gym for a while given her surgery. We decided to try to salvage our marriage and went into MC. Things have been much better since then but her friends are insisting that she keep the other phone since they don't trust me not to monitor her phone. I have been putting up with this as long as she does not hide the phone from me but she deletes all texts and I don't ever touch the phone.

 

As time is going on I am finding this phone to really make me uneasy but she does not want to lose contact with her friends. The MC thinks that this is a good compromise but I am finding that it is driving me insane with paranoia. I know that she is not contacting him anymore as she isn't showing the signs she did before but that phone is messing with my head. Should I or can I insist that she get rid of it without driving a wedge further between us? Should I even care? She is remorseful but I think that she should consider my feelings over those of her friends.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[Owl]

If she's listening to her "friends" advice on saving your marriage over actively working on rebuilding your trust in her...well.....there's your answer already, now isn't it?

 

C'mon man...there is only ONE single reason she'd keep that phone. PERIOD.

 

Question...has she demonstrated a 'withdrawl' period, where she was angry/moody/crying/sulky because you forced her to break off all contact with this other man?

 

If yes...then proceed on to insisting to see that phone, and continue to monitor what she does.

 

If no...then again, there's your answer.

 

She's still in contact...there's no doubt.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she's truly remorseful or done anything to actively rebuild the damage she's done to the marriage.

 

Have you checked her credit card receipts? Could be a lot of information there to be figured out. I'd also consider putting a voice activated recorder wherever you suspect she may be carrying on her phone calls with OM...and/or a GPS in her car.

 

The question is...what are you going to DO if you do prove she's still cheating? Accept her shuffling, or end the marriage?

[frozensprouts]

sorry you have found yourself in this spot..it can be a very painful place to be

 

I'm kind of leery whenever I hear of someone who "has to have their private phone" ( emphasis on "has") that their spouse is not even allowed to touch. The same goes for a computer, laptop, etc....especially after the person has been caught using said device to conduct an emotional affair

 

if she is a stay at home mom ( I'm one myself), why does she need her own phone that you are forbidden to look at? That just sounds strange to me...especially when it's paid for by her "friends"...that sounds really weird

 

We do have a cell phone that we both use (when we can find it:laugh:) and it's just the "bare bones" cheapest pre -paid one we could get. The plan we subscribe to has no texts, etc., just calls.

[Wanderer25]

I will bet my life savings that they were having sex. Get tested for STDs. (Or bluff her and see her react to it)Don't believe a word she says. She will try to shift the guilt on how you were not attentive enough and she was scared that you would leave her etc.. Don't buy it. She will take the under ground again. You are too trusting to a fault here. She was actively meeting and having sex with men/OM on these Girls Night outs.(remember what she did that day) Check her emails if she hasn't cleaned them out yet by chance(Sent folder too). If she has an iphone, you can recover all her tests.

[analystfromhell]

It seems unlikely she's going to change her behavior- instead of judging "compromises" has the MC figured out what's at the root of her behavior?

 

If you're not happy and she has, and continues to lie, what's more important to you- a happy marriage or a marriage? By this I ask, do you want a happy marriage as it seems unlikely she's going to revert to behavior you're able to live with. The MC and your wife might see it as 'reasonable' but that's a value judgment- what's more important is how it makes you feel. It's not clear to for what reasons beyond financial security she is staying with you. I doubt her activities are confined to an emotional affair and you didn't say if she worked or not.

[Wanderer25]

Wait, you don't have access to her phone yet? And she deletes every text? How much of a fool can you be? Fool me once, shame on you. You are just waiting for another D-day, only this time she will plan it better and leave you in tatters. 100% access to all her account is the minimal of minimalistic thing she could do after 2 D-days. You need better direction and advice or you are going to be royally f*cked and destroyed.

 

I see some signs of denial in your attitude.

[frozensprouts]

i don't think what you are feeling is "paranoia'" ( well maybe it is, but it's based upon her past behavior so it's a very valid emotion)...

 

her behavior hurt you, and she gave you every reason not to trust her right now. She has to earn your trust back, and that takes a long time. She can't expect to leapfrog past that, and I have to say that I am surprised at your counselor suggesting it. Perhaps a different counselor would be helpful?

 

your wife needs to understand that she destroyed your trust in her...right now, it's a zero, and with good reason. She'll need to do things to rebuild your trust, and that takes a long time...

 

best of luck to you...and, like i said, if the counselor you have isn't working for you, don't be afraid to select a different one until you find one who works best for both of you

[jthero]

Owl... It's not about her getting advice from her friends. It's that her friends won't text her on her phone (That I pay for) because they are afraid that I will be monitoring and will know things that I shouldn't about their lives. I would be fine being able to monitor the text numbers on the website. I don't need to see the actual content between her and her friends.

 

Sprouts.. The counselor has been helpful in helping us both to realize how badly we have treated each other over the years and has given us some solid strategies for increasing communication. We had come to this compromise before counseling and she agreed with it. However, as time goes on I find that I can no longer live with it.

 

By the way I don't believe that this ever crossed over to a PA based upon the texts that I have read. I do however believe that it likely would have if I hadn't caught it when I did. The first time I caught her she had broke it off with him but they were then going back and forth about how badly they both felt about it. St. Patricks Day there were 297 texts sent back and forth. Our friends all thought that I was being a jack#ss husband and that she was upset because of me.

[jthero]

analystfromhell ... We have talked about the root issues. My wife was horribly abused as a child and pretty much had set up our relationship with me in complete control of everything (We met when I was 19 and she 18). This was my first relationship and I didn't know any different so I took control. I also learned that if I yelled then she would do what I wanted (such as keep the house clean, etc. ) We have know each other for 16 years and been married for 10. The new strategies that we are working on is positive and I am enjoying every aspect of our relationship with the exception of this phone. Everything else is working out.

 

I don't want to give up on our relationship as I have a lot invested in her and love her with all my heart. I believe that we can work this out but am unsure if this is worth an ultimatum.

[Owl]

Whatever the "reason"...if she refuses to give up the phone that she used to carry on her illicit emotional affair with someone else...

 

...what more do you need to know?

 

You're not her priority. You're her backup plan.

 

What are you going to do about that? Knowing that...what does it change in your situation?

 

It's that simple, really. Either she cares enough about how this affects you to make the changes needed to save the marriage (meaning you and the marriage are her priority)...or...she doesn't, and she won't change.

 

So...what's your plan from here?

[standtall]

Jethro...sorry to hear about your grief. Now, if you have read any of the threads here, you will find more often than not that situations like yours typically do not have easy routes. She is most likely giving you the trickle truth, and that there is a lot more going on with this guy. Dig around with care, you may not like what you find.

[robf1971]

Whatever the "reason"...if she refuses to give up the phone that she used to carry on her illicit emotional affair with someone else...

 

...what more do you need to know?

 

You're not her priority. You're her backup plan.

 

What are you going to do about that? Knowing that...what does it change in your situation?

 

It's that simple, really. Either she cares enough about how this affects you to make the changes needed to save the marriage (meaning you and the marriage are her priority)...or...she doesn't, and she won't change.

 

So...what's your plan from here?

 

Sterling advice,

 

You are indeed a backup plan. I'd be surprised if 'Kyle' was the only man she'd been in contact with. IMO pack your wife's stuff in boxes, find out where Kyle lives dump them in his drive way so they can live happily ever after. Then tell Kyle's wife the whole story.

 

You then lawyer yourself up, and ignore all communication from your wife, file for 50/50 custody. Job done, cancer removed.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it sounds like you wife had a pretty rough go of things as a child. I'm sorry she had to go through that. No child deserves to be treated badly.

 

the thing is, though, that a lot of adults who were abused as children can carry issues from that into their adult relationships. Do you feel that it's at all possible that she had begun to see you as her "abuser" ( not saying you were abusive to her, but given her past, she may have been "hyper sensitive" to issues dealing with control, etc.)? and she was, in some way "rebelling"?

 

Has she had individual counseling to help her work through her pat experiences? If not, do you think it would be helpful to her?

 

Abut the phone...you are allowed to change your mind about it. Perhaps the two of you could sit down and discuss your feelings about it, so that she understands your need to "check up" on things. Like i said before, she broke you sense of trust, and it can be hard to get that back

[Ninja'sHusband]

You have the right to monitor her phone. You need to see that she is trustworthy and transparent. If she can't be transparent and still deliberately hiding things, she is clearly not working on the marriage. You can keep trying to carry the whole thing forward for as long as you can stand it and win her back (because you don't have her right now) but you will hit a breaking point eventually if she doesn't start doing the right thing. If the therapist and her friends think it's good that you can't see her phone, that's a bad sign.... They are absolutely wrong. I read a lot of books when I went through my hell. "Divorce Remedy" and Harley's "Surviving An Affair" are two I recommend.

 

 

EDIT: also with my WW, things got to where they were going fine except she wouldn't quit a class with OM. It drove me nuts and destroyed our marriage. She has to break all contact and make you feel secure that she has done so. This is VERY important.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[jnj express]

Not only does her phone need to go---her toxic friends need to go

 

What are you afraid of---your stay at home wife isn't going anywhere---she has no clue how to even cope in the big wide world---If you left her, she wouldn't last 3 days

 

You need to lay down your boundaries, and they need to have actionable consequences-------just maybe she needs to hear the words---"divorce is on the table, now", or maybe she needs to hear---If you are so into your lover, why don't you go and live with HIM----Call her out, she will back down so fast, it will make your head swim.

 

Does she think for one minute her friends are gonna take care of her, if you D. her----they will leave her like a rat leaves a sinking ship

 

You need to tell her----no more contact with ANYONE who is not a friend of the mge----her lover, and her toxic frineds have to go----and she is to be a completely open book to you---and DO NOT BE AFRAID TO THREATEN HER----I guarantee you one serious threat, where she thinks you will actually take action, will serve way more, than all this dilly dallying you are doing right now

 

Also your counselor can be gotten rid of----he/she doesn't sound like he/she knows what he/she is even doing

[aiyam]

Sorry to hear about this situation. I think you are the one that was hurt and somehow, if she wants to make up for it, she would do the things that will make you feel better. Especially, giving up that phone. That phone which symbolizes the things she has done. Trust is a vital factor in every relationship. She wants to be trusted again, she has to earn it again. And for you, giving her the chance to regain that trust includes not hacking her phone again, not only for her sake, but more importantly for you. Her friends are not of concern as of this moment. It is your marriage. Tell her how you feel about that phone, and I hope and I think she should give it up, rather than seeing you live like that. I hope things get better.