How do you cope when you're replaced

[Warrior]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

[Starman8]

I don't really know how to answer your question, I'm in the same boat as you. My ex broke up with me by email after 2 years, stating she needed to work on herself and that she couldn't be in a relationship. A month later I see her holding hands with some guy at the beach. Come to find out, they're in a relationship and he lives half way across the country. Weird.

 

That was 10 months ago. I went NC immediately after the break-up with the exception that I ran into her and we chit-chatted for 5 minutes like we were old classmates or something, several months ago.

 

I've done everything to keep myself busy and better myself, and have generally enjoyed my own company. I would say I'm happy most of the time.

 

But I still think about her a lot. There were a lot of things she did that made her a bad girlfriend, I still loved her though. It upsets me that she has someone else and never got a chance to miss me. I feel like justice was not served.

 

I don't know what else to do. I go to the gym, I volunteer, I go to concerts, I like to travel to scenic locations to take photos. My time is filled in healthy ways, but I still think of her way too much and it's still painful some days. Is the dating scene the next step?

 

I know this is more of a ramble than an answer. Going through the same thing as you, man.

[january2011]

Not a guy, but experienced the feelings of being replaced.

 

I don't remember feeling better until after the 9-month mark. The one-year mark was when I made great strides.

 

You've just got to keep going and pushing forward. She's moved on with her life and you need to keep moving on with yours. This is definitely where NC really helps. You don't need to deal with any news about her life and you get to just let the wounds heal rather than pick at them.

[CopingGal]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

 

I think it's silly to jump into a relationship 1-2 weeks after breaking up with someone. That person is bringing baggage form one relationship to another. My ex replaced me within a week. I never broke up with him. I was just mad at him and he thought I left him. He changed his mind and got on his knees, telling me he would make everything up to me. I took him back and then he cheated on me. I left him for good and I'm glad he's out of my life. It's a horrible feeling, feeling replaced. But I know I'm way better off without him and I know that he was never emotionally invested in the relationship, even though we dated off and on for three years.

 

Hang in there. Keep busy. It's her lost. If she can jump right into another relationship within 1-2 weeks, she didn't deserve you to begin with.

[Gulf-Delta]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

 

She only THINKS she can replace you. In reality, you are one of a kind, and you can't be replaced. She can search and search, but no person is replacable.

[BewitchedandBothered]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

My ex has convinced everyone and himself that I am evil and sinister; part of his BPD, I am guessing. One minute, he would literally worship me on a pedestal, literaly next minute, I was devalued. He was always searching for better while with me. He found someone, but I heard recently he is back on the dating sites. I was replaced and was devastated for awhile, but, once the fog clears and you are able to put it into perspective, you will feel better; the pieces seem to connect and you will realize truly that you are better off without this person----things happen for a reason. We never see the bigger picture, but it does unfold as time goes on.

 

Warrior, trust me when I say it does get better. I am indifferent now---even the hatred and anger is gone. I know to well about the dying part of you---but it only feels that way. Something will happen that will awaken you again and you will be back to your old wonderful self. Just let time to its job and you take care of YOU:)

[Pens55]

In the grand scheme of things, being replaced might not be a bad thing. We all cling to the hope that our ex will come around to their senses. Being replaced can give a sense of finality and allow us to live our lives without worrying about any possible reconciliation. So now you can go out, flirt with girls, etc. and know your ex cant make you feel guilty about it.

 

Also, GET MAD. Obviously, its not healthy in the long run, but sometimes feeling like they betrayed us can give us just a little more strength/resolve to focus on moving on.

 

I'm not making light of your post - it hurts like hell, I know. But at the end of the day, it might actually be the kick you need to leave her in the dust.

[coltsfan1]

I'm not making light of your post - it hurts like hell, I know. But at the end of the day, it might actually be the kick you need to leave her in the dust.

 

Warrior this is how I felt after being replaced. My heart BROKE for my EX for nearly a year. I just crawled on my belly, then got on my knees, then about 14 months I was walking then 18 months post break up I am at the best place I have been my whole life.

 

I still miss my friend, but I truly believe that person has died. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have changed!!! You really have to make the choice for yourself, once I made the choice that she couldn't come back things changed. Although making that choice literally almost killed me.

[Mr Scorpio]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

I believe that you answered your own question.

[Rorschach64]

Issue with him doing great things with his life is the fact they are not healing the wounds, filling the void, or creating that self satisfaction that could up lift him from his despair....

 

You can sit there and tell him to go bungie jumping, slay a dragon or create fusion power but in the end the individual has to achieve peace of mind through time and reflection of what once was.

 

BewitchedandBothered said it best...eventually with time you will grow indifferent because of the lack of exposure to the ex and things shifting out of memory.

[ToyWithMe812]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

 

In all reality, she/they could have found them sooner than 1-2 weeks. I felt the same way when I found out I had been cheated on/replaced. Hey man, my timeframe (since the "breakup") is very similar to yours. However, I can say I still have days where I feel like hell and alone, like a former shell of myself. Nonetheless, the frequency of these occurrences are less and less as time marches on. Listen, the part of you that was committed to her may be dead/dying, but the rest of it will not, it will just manifest itself in some other manner. To echo Scorp, sounds like you have answered the most important of your question.

[Exit]

I'm in this same boat, not only replaced but witnessed enough of how she was acting with the new guy, in all the ways that I always wished she had acted towards me, to feel even worse.

 

I really do think we just need to finish waiting it out. Doing productive things during this time period is great but is not a fix-all. I've been saying this in a lot of threads lately and I forget who I initially stole the metaphor from, but it's like having a bad cold, you just have to wait until you feel better.

 

I'm headed for the 7 month mark myself and am still not feeling great. I wouldn't say my wounds have healed as much as I have just learned to live with them as they continue to bleed. The pain hasn't gone away, I'm just used to feeling it by now.

 

My best estimate is that I'm probably going to need a full year.

 

Continue on trying to find other areas in life to be passionate about and keep on hoping for that day when you wake up and catch yourself 6 hours into the day and realize "whoa, I didn't think about them today".

[CopingGal]

I'm in this same boat, not only replaced but witnessed enough of how she was acting with the new guy, in all the ways that I always wished she had acted towards me, to feel even worse.

 

I hope this doesn't sound mean, and I am sorry this happened to you...but man...it's a relief to know that this just only didn't happen to me. Because that was one of the most painful things about post break up. Here I was just trying to hard to understand him...telling myself it was just his short comings and I should have compassion...and then seeing...actually SEEING him treat other women the way I always wanted him to treat me.

 

Of course with him having strong sociopathic traits, the therapist told me not to get jealous because I did not know his agenda.

 

Exit, once again, you've made me feel better. You are such an asset to this forum. Not only Exit, but Warrior, Bewitched and Bothered, and so many other people who are struggling or who have struggled...I am there with you. Thanks for helping me. Thanks a bunch. And I'm sorry you all had to go through so much pain.

Edited May 30, 2012 by CopingGal

[Reddice]

My question for guys mainly...

so HOW, WHAT do you do, when your significant other replace you with someone else? When your girl leaves you and then 1-2 weeks find someone new...

 

I am in awful period of my life, i feel like somebody is stomping on my soul. I dont even know how much time passed since the break up, 8 months I think...

 

p.s. I am doing some GREAT things in my life since we broke up which I know it will make my life complete later on, but still, the other part of me is dead or dying, help, post, lets talk

 

Warrior

 

What works for me is interacting with other women. While I'm with another woman it takes my mind off my ex... I don't think about her at all. Furthermore, it's a boost to my self esteem and teaches me that there are other women out there who might be more deserving of my love. My ex left me four months ago and in that timeframe I've had four candidates. Two of them in the first two months, but as you might understand, the wounds were too fresh and it did not end well. The other two a bit more recent and well... I can't disclose everything that happens on a public forum.

 

My ex might have replaced me in her life, but I'm making damn sure that I will do all I can to delete her from mine.

[Tree_Salmon]

Best way to get over this is to love yourself more than you love the person.

Just push it until you it happens. And don't date anyone. Not for a long time

[Ajax]

I had a similar experience as many of you. My breakup was in August 2010, so I have a little distance from it and hopefully a perspective that can be helpful.

 

My ex dumped me seemingly out of the blue under the pretense of being depressed, needing to figure herself out, and not being able to be in a relationship. That left me under the delusion that there might be a future for us for months, even though I'd gone NC almost immediately. I found out a few months later that she had gotten together with her new boyfriend less than two weeks after breaking up with me. She may even have had her eye on him before that.

 

It hurt to have been replaced, but I think for me it hurt even more to have been lied to. I started thinking how since she'd clearly deceived me during the breakup, even if it was to "spare my feelings," she must have been lying to me through our relationship too. It felt like the relationship that I'd given so much of myself to had been a sham. And it hurt. It hurt to think that I'd done everything I could to make her happy and in the end it wasn't enough. I felt like I wasn't good enough.

 

How did I cope with being replaced? The conventional wisdom held true for me. It took time. Eventually I had to accept that she had someone new and that that was okay. It also took a lot of thinking, and looking at the situation from different angles.

 

It helped me to realize that if she'd left me like that, she was perfectly capable of doing the same to her new guy. I also looked back at the relationship without the rose colored glasses. She had a tendency to push and pull. She'd be confessing her undying love to me one day and then blowing me off the next. That was something I'd never have to go through with her again, but the new guy probably would.

 

A little over a year after the breakup I saw them at my friends' wedding. She wouldn't even look me in the face, and that kind of hurt, but I also got to observe her with the not-so-new-anymore guy. And while I don't like to toot my own horn, I have to say he had nothing on me. He was kind of goofy and awkward looking. He reminded me of Rick Moranis' character from Ghostbusters. But I did feel somewhat sympathetic towards him, because she seemed to own him. He was defeated. While the breakup had crushed me, I can at least say that during the relationship I had never felt defeated, as I suspect this man did.

 

So it helped to consider this... while he may have replaced me, he had also taken on some burdens that I'm glad I didn't have myself.

 

And now from the semi-safe distance of nearly two years I can look back and see that she'd done me a favor by leaving. It's a cliche to say that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but it's true. Life's too short for that.

[Starman8]

Thanks for sharing that, Ajax. Your story is nearly identical to mine, even down to the way you described the new guy. She's his problem now.

[CopingGal]

What works for me is interacting with other women. While I'm with another woman it takes my mind off my ex... I don't think about her at all. Furthermore, it's a boost to my self esteem and teaches me that there are other women out there who might be more deserving of my love. My ex left me four months ago and in that timeframe I've had four candidates. Two of them in the first two months, but as you might understand, the wounds were too fresh and it did not end well. The other two a bit more recent and well... I can't disclose everything that happens on a public forum.

 

My ex might have replaced me in her life, but I'm making damn sure that I will do all I can to delete her from mine.

 

 

Hmmm, it sounds like you are using these women to get over your ex...is that true? I think the best thing is to heal on your own. When you bring other people into the mix so soon, your recover becomes clouded and it's hard to learn from your mistakes.

[Reddice]

Hmmm, it sounds like you are using these women to get over your ex...is that true? I think the best thing is to heal on your own. When you bring other people into the mix so soon, your recover becomes clouded and it's hard to learn from your mistakes.

 

Well, using has such a negative connotation. They both know my background and are fully aware of the fact that I'm not ready for a steady relationship at this moment. The both accept and understand the situation. I know I need to heal, but the thing is... I refuse to spent a year trying to get over my ex. It has been 4 months now and I'm already completely fed up with it. I need to push forward with my life and have seen that men who date and sleep around generally get over their exes faster than the men who don't. And I'm noticing that I do feel better when interacting with women. Flirting alone has a huge, positive impact on my well being. I am now slowly but surely starting to see the brighter side of being single.

[Warrior]

thanks alot every one of you, 1 word W O W

This is pure energy you are giving to me (and others ofcourse) it helps alot for sure. Every one of you said something that I wanted to say.

 

I want to share with you all my current position in post BU. so I am NC since the BU (8 months something like that) I am feeling alot better, I can't actually remember the day when I woke up in the morning feeling like a train wreck or in tears... those days were hell I am glad they are behind me. Now there are days when alot of anger comes and goes, and I just want them to disapear and leave me, I do not want to hate I was born to love.

 

I am thinking now, observing "from above" because I am cool head now, I almost put a ring on that girl because we had so much stuff incommon, she was my soulmate if you know what i mean (now i like to believe she is still but she's not thats just my idealisation of her, I know that) and changed into everything that wasn't in our style or way of thinking after she left and replaced me, what the hell was I thinking?

 

most of everything she treated me like an animal, and convinced herself that I am pure walking evil that wants to hurt her or something. I am just glad that I was a gentleman till the end, now she has to deal with all that she done to me at the end.

[Chi townD]

I am just glad that I was a gentleman till the end, now she has to deal with all that she done to me at the end.

 

There you go. Not your problem or concern anymore. If I were you, I would continue on your path of self-improvement. Make significant changes in your life. And travel. Go somewhere you've always wanted to go a just do it. There's a huge world outside your door. Have an adventure.

[Exit]

Keep on going Warrior. It sounds like you'll be just fine. I know it sucks to be adding more and more months to the calender since the breakup happened and still not feeling 100% yet, like I said on page 1 I'm just a month behind you in my journey and can't believe I still think of this person 7 months later, but as you said it's important to look back and realize you don't feel as terrible as you once did, which means you have been improving, and you will continue to.

[Warrior]

Hey guys, let me know what you think of this...

 

Few days ago I was walking down the city with my friend and my ex and her new boyfriend passed 7-8 meters beside me. I didn't get nervous, my head was sky high, my feet were strong on the ground but I didn't wanted to look at her (because the image would stay in my head afterwards). After, we passed I decided to turn my head around (foolish?), what I found is my ex girl looking at me back. I turned my head back infront she was still looking at me, happened in a second. Later I was shaking for about 15 minutes... that tells you something about my feelings.

 

Its kinda killing me now, I dont exactly know why its hard to explain, damnit am I a fool hey?

Edited June 9, 2012 by Warrior

[CopingGal]

There you go. Not your problem or concern anymore. If I were you, I would continue on your path of self-improvement. Make significant changes in your life. And travel. Go somewhere you've always wanted to go a just do it. There's a huge world outside your door. Have an adventure.

 

Well said.