Question...mostly for men. Is a man's best friend off limits after a b/u?

[leoc1973]

See here's the thing. You have a breakup weather you did the dumping or not. You go to talk to your friends. I know its stereotypical that guys don't talk to each other and cry on each others shoulders but we in fact do. We go to our friends for advice and comfort, our friends are our friends because they love us and we love them. Sometimes there is more loyalty to a friend than a girlfriend.

 

Call it a bromance or a little gay or whatever but these guys have been there for us and loved us and we have loved them spanning sometimes 5 or 10 women. They are there for us as women come and go.

 

So then you are heart broken and go out with your buddies and cry in your beer while they try to get you to bang some bar whore to get over her or whatever. Meanwhile they are already plotting how they are going to go try to bang your ex? WTF!! If someone doesn't get this then I don't know what to tell ya.

 

We have people in our lives that we love and they are there to make our lives happier not hurt us by sleeping with a woman we still care about.

[leoc1973]

Oh and this post has got me into huge trouble with my current girlfriend because I told her that my ex would be off limits to my friends.

 

She doesn't get it either she thinks I must still love my ex if she is off limits. I think women might be a little more sinister than men and there is no loyalty to freinds so maybe that is why some of the women on this post are not getting it.

[shayla]

The male ego is a fragile thing. A man can screw your cousin, your sister, and all your friends and he will get a slap on the back and an atta boy.

 

This woman is talking about continuing a friendship with someone she's known longer than she's known her ex, not sleeping with him, and people here are calling her a hoe...LOL the double standard lives on!!!!!

 

 

Once your ex dumped you, nothing more that happens to you is his business anymore. "I dont want you, get lost, but...you can't get involved with him, or him, or him....Ok?"

 

Do you think for one minute that he would give a damn about your feelings if he chose to get with someone you know? Only you know that.

 

Now. With that being said. If you choose to do this, know and understand that this may cause friction between your ex and his friend and invite undue drama, hence the male ego once again. And you have to decide if this man's friendship is worth the BS you will more than likely have to deal with.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[alexandria35]

I'm not sure why everyone keeps refering to this situation as a guy thing or 'bro code'. I'm a female and I do not want my ex dating my friends. Especially not my BEST Friend. I have actually had exes of my friends come on to me and I have always been "no freaking way"! My loyalty and my priorities are with my friends. For the women here who are saying that this is just male ego, how many of you would honestly be entirely comfortable with your best friend dating your most recent ex? (the question doesn't count if your most recent ex lasted less than a year and you didn't really care about him)

[Almond_Joy]

See here's the thing. You have a breakup weather you did the dumping or not. You go to talk to your friends. I know its stereotypical that guys don't talk to each other and cry on each others shoulders but we in fact do. We go to our friends for advice and comfort, our friends are our friends because they love us and we love them. Sometimes there is more loyalty to a friend than a girlfriend.

 

Call it a bromance or a little gay or whatever but these guys have been there for us and loved us and we have loved them spanning sometimes 5 or 10 women. They are there for us as women come and go.

 

So then you are heart broken and go out with your buddies and cry in your beer while they try to get you to bang some bar whore to get over her or whatever. Meanwhile they are already plotting how they are going to go try to bang your ex? WTF!! If someone doesn't get this then I don't know what to tell ya.

 

We have people in our lives that we love and they are there to make our lives happier not hurt us by sleeping with a woman we still care about.

 

 

That bolded part right there....to me that's key. That's the deciding factor.

 

In what way do you "care about" someone you broke up/are no longer with? Do you care about whether they want to still be with you, or whether you can be with them in the future? More importantly, does your ex "care about" you the same way? If that's the case and your friend goes after the ex anyway, then yeah that's hurtful "non-friend" behavior. (BTW, I'm not using "you" to say you personally, I mean "you" as a representation of a person in this situation....hope that makes sense).

 

That is not the case here. Sweetheart has no intention of getting back with her ex. Ever. A lot of people are that way after a break-up. Once it's over, it's over for good. There's no "maybe we'll get back together" or "lingering romantic feelings" for that ex. There's no desire to try and have a romantic relationship again with that ex.

 

If a relationship doesn't work between you and that ex, that doesn't mean someone close to you can't have a successful relationship with your ex. Your friend may not have the same problems you had with your ex. Your ex and that friend may be a better match for each other.

 

But what you, and the majority of people in this thread are saying, is that your friend and your ex should shy away from an opportunity to be happy with each other and have romantic companionship in their personal lives.....because you, a friend, still "care about" your ex romantically?

 

How is that fair to your friend? Can you fulfill the romantic desires of your friend? No. Your friend believes that your ex can, that there's a possibility for him/her to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with your ex. You all think it's fair for your friend to deny themselves that opportunity because you are not comfortable with a break-up? Or because your ex no longer has romantic interest in you? How is that your ex's or your friend's problem?

 

If I see my friend is single and lonely, but really enjoys the company of one of my exes (somebody I am no longer romantically involved with, and have no desire to be with)....what does their happiness romantically have to do with me? Nothing. I'd feel crappy if one of my friends liked an ex of mine and didn't go for it because of my hang-ups over this person that I'm no longer involved with. If my ex doesn't want to be with me, no amount of yearning on my part's going to change that. And my friend should not be deprived of an opportunity to be happy because I can't accept that. That's not fair at all to my friend.

 

The intimacy and emotional needs met in a romantic relationship are in an entirely different league than that of a friendship. And my perspective is that I don't call shots in a league I'm not qualified to play in. My friend may come to me for advice or opinions on their romantic life/partners, but I have no authority or right to set "rules" about who they can and cannot be with. If I disapprove or don't like someone they're with, I would expect them to put their romantic relationship first.

 

If you're the type to hold onto hope after a breakup, or feel weird about/around an ex after a breakup, ok. But don't demonize someone else because they process relationships differently.

[Trimmer]

Question...mostly for men. Is a man's best friend off limits after a b/u?

I strongly believe that once you've broken up, it's just not fair to continue to try to have contact with his dog.

[sweetheart5381]

I am going to chime in my two cents here, whether or not this upsets your fragile sensitivies or not, I do not care. You came on here, if you don't like the answers dont ask the questions. I bolded what I think is inconsistent with your motives, yes you have a motive.

 

You claim you were raped. Ok. That is horrible. You claim your boyfriend at the time didnt support you or talk to you about it yet you claim you love him dearly. I think you suffer from Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome. Google it.

 

Don't you think you need to close one chapter in youre life since you are separated before you open another one ? I mean this really shows that you have no boundaries.

 

I think your ego is bruised and subconsiously you are gravitating towards your ex's friend to get back at him for treating you so bad, but the connundrum is you still keep in touch with him. Get your story straight.

 

Yes, being raped is horrible - he was not my bf at the time, we were already broken up. He did not owe me anything, and I can understand that he may have not known how to be supportive. To love someone is to understand them and I am not angry or upset that he did not provide a certain level of comfort.

 

My last relationship was common-law, hence I am "separated". That relationship has been over for 4 yrs. My marital status will always be "separated" unless I choose to marry. I do not see how I lack boundaries simply because of a marital status.

[EgoJoe]

Dear Hypocrites,

 

I think it is kind of funny that I am labelled a "low-class" fella for responding in kind.

 

Perhaps it was a proverbial rocket fired above heads to mirror the OP...

 

Whoops, the Ego part of my SN is showing.

 

Laugh Out Loud.

 

Sincerely,

 

Ego

Edited June 1, 2012 by EgoJoe

[Riseabove]

One of the reasons I think it would be wrong for my best friend to pursue my recent ex is that it would be very easy for me to think that the attraction between my best friend and my ex most likely was there during our relationship as well. Best friends stay away from ex'es. It has been like that as long as I can remember. And it not only a bro code. It goes for all my female friends as well.

 

I know that my best friend would not tolerate me being with his ex and he knows I would not tolerate him being with my recent ex. Even if there is some kind of mutual attraction. Because chances are great that you have something in common with your best friends ex. He likes (liked) you and he likes his best friend. Maybe because you and his best friend have something in common?

 

My recent ex has some very beautiful female friends. One of them I flirted quite a bit with before me and my ex got together. (I did not know that they knew eachother until we became a couple). Now, when I am single I would never flirt with her friend. All of her closest female friends are off limits to me. Not only out of respect for my ex but also because I dont want to come across as desperate and have things going on with several girls in the same circle of friends. It's just what feels natural to me. In the same way that I would never date sisters of ex'es. It just feels wrong!!

[rdb]

I found loveshack a long time ago and it helped me get through some tough times. I still skim threads here every now and then when I am bored. This one is so amusing to me that I thought I'd actually comment on it.

 

To sweetheart5381,

 

DO NOT start any sort of relationship with your ex's friend. If you respect your ex as a person, as a friend, and for the relationship you two once had then I urge you not to do this. Your ex, his buddy (who is also a mutual friend with you), and yourself are all interconnected. You and his buddy both know that this will fragment the circle; you've already begun the process by conspiring to hang out when your ex isnt around. Let me ask: if you knew his friend before you dated the ex why didn't you date the friend first? Since you "pick which door you open" why didn't you open that one if this guy is so awesome? Their was a reason, you somehow forgot it by now, but the status this friend has in your ex's life seems to be more attractive and much more taboo (which caused you to make a thread).

It seems like you have unresolved issues with the fact your ex can tell you to your face he wants to bang your friend and 'get away with it' but loveshack/society frowns upon you when you try to do the same thing. Well I have news for you: he can only bang your friend because you LET HIM. You attached the title of "friend" to the person he is having sex with. That girl isn't your friend. And if his buddy, who is obviously closer to him than you, bangs you then he isn't a good friend either.

Sex isn't sex when someone you consider "a loved one" is involved. And it goes both ways. If you start any sort of dating with the friend, don't be surprised if your ex saves himself both the headache and the heartache and cuts you both off. Also, don't be surprised if he finds a friend of yours to bang to spite you or bangs his buddy's ex again to spite him. Because that seems like the bottom line here. This seems to be all driven by spite.

 

Say you smile in your ex's face. Say you are friends. You really arent.

 

Your ex is a "loved one"

Your ex is banging your friend

Your ex "left you to bleed"

Your ex didn't support you in whatever that rape story was (not trying to sound insensitive but I don't know the details, although I am sorry it happened to you)

Your ex dumped you. He didn't want to further the connection with you. He still won't hang out with you outside of work. You say you understand. But you don't.

 

Now you the world is telling you you can't have date his friend. You asked this question in hopes people would give you the responses that you knew they would.

 

If you still do care about your ex, this situation with the friend is all wrong, and you should probably work on a lot of personal conflicts you are having.

 

If you don't care and you want to have the same power over him that he has over you, go and date the crap out of his friend! See if you can "leave him to bleed" the way he left you! Date his buddy all over the place. Go to the mall. The movies. A vineyard. A weekend in the Hamptons. Your ex's friend might understand you like no other man on this earth could (not even your ex)! Ron Howard will buy the rights of your story to make into a movie with a tv series spin-off that lasts 12 seasons and is loosely based on the rest of your lives together! Bang him on your ex's desk at work! Push it to the limit because like you said: why do boundaries even matter? All I can guarantee is that your emotional turmoil will not be resolved by doing it.

Edited June 1, 2012 by rdb

[Eddie Edirol]

Sexual chemistry is there, cant deny it, but ultimately, is it wrong to deny a connection?

 

First you said the sexual chemistry is there, which implies you might consider to sleep with him, then you say youre not going to sleep with him, which is it?

[mephisto]

Like a lot your posts, very thoughtfuls and mature.

My advise would be to wait much longer than just some months.

If this cant be, then keep it under the radar for some time.

Both guys will lose their friendship,no question about it.

 

FYI - I am the dumpee.

 

The ex and I broke up 4 months ago. Ultimately we went too fast at a relationship and we just weren't ready for the emotional toll, obligations, etc. (Baggage on both parts, we are 37 and 47, separated, single parents, etc) We now talk and are friends at work. He is not sure if he is ready to hang out in our personal lives and I am cool with that. He is a loved one to me and I wish him the best.

 

I have always been attracted to his friend and he and I have maintained a friendship throughout the b/u. I have always been respectful to their friendship and always kept my distance with his best bud. I felt that my ex's friends are his friends and I wont interfere, his "boys night out" time was/is important and should be respected. Funny thing is when his best friend and I met I had no idea that they were best friends.. but this man and I connected too.

 

Now, after months apart from the ex there is some interest from this best friend in me hanging out with him and his friends (some shared with the ex). He even offered to have me over when the ex isnt around so I would be comfortable. We like each other, have grown closer over the last few months and I feel the vibe is there that he is interested. I'm not interested in a "relationship" just pursuing the connection.

 

To the men out there - is this wrong?

[Pyrrhus]

He's an ex. Generally you stay away from the family/friends of an ex.

 

If the best friend of your ex decides to pursue this "connection" with you, is he really considered a best friend?

 

Bros before hoes code, yes it's true. That doesn't mean it's always practiced. The code was probably originated from many of the men acting on these "connections" with past lovers of their friends.

 

IMO, nothing wrong with leaving the door open for the friend. If he pursues the opportunity, then he is the one breaking the code, not you.

[sally4sara]

OP, anyone worth having will be more mature than the responses you're getting on here. You are not property and sex doesn't degrade a person's worth unless they let others decide the when and who of that intimacy for them such as telling them who they can and cannot be with. Its your choice not theirs.

 

I dated a fella briefly and we just were not going to go anywhere long term. We both saw that and stayed friends. About a year later I began hanging around his roomate more and there was a mutual attraction and connection. We acted on it. The roomate was initially pouty, got drunk and hollered over it a bit. He was quite embarrassed about his behavior later. Beyond that? No horrible red A was pinned to my bodice. No one considered me a sex doll to be passed around a social group. In fact, I can't think of a single time someone tried to shame me over it EXCEPT here on LS where the afflicted and stunted hang out 24/7/365.

8 years later - we're now married for over two years, the friend/roomate we met through is part of our extended family, always welcome in our home, which he visits a couple times a year. Most he ever says about it now is that my husband is a lucky guy.

Edited June 1, 2012 by sally4sara

[EgoJoe]

Here is my take on this big pile of steamy ***** that nobody should step in...

 

1. OP is 37 and the Ex is 48. I am assuming the Ex's best "friend is 37 or older.

2. OP has had at least 2 "severely abusive relationships" in the not too distant past.

3. Ex was a "stand-in" supervisor.

4. Ex is mature but 2 years out of a 23 year marriage, too much, too fast, too soon, acted like a complete a55, became angry at OP and broke up.

5. Ex was told about OP's rape and the Ex didn't offer any support or care.

6. OP created a thread about the Ex in mid April.

7. OP is only 3+ months out from her break up with Ex.

8. Ex's "friend" was helping OP through her break up with Ex.

9. OP says "I feel the vibe is there that he is interested" about Ex's "friend".

10. OP says "I'm not interested in a "relationship" just pursuing the connection".

11. Ex's "friend" offered to have OP over when the ex isn't around so OP would be comfortable.

12. Etc.

 

The OP has a history of severely abusive relationships, getting involved with a "stand in" supervisor, the Ex was "unhealthy", the relationship was "unhealthy", how the Ex handled the break up was cruel and mean, how he handled the rape was cruel and mean, etc.

 

Having said all of that, you tell us that your Ex is mature, your friend and cares about you.

 

Then we have the Ex's "friend"...

 

OP has stated that the Ex's "friend" was there for her through the break up, she believes he is interested in more than being a friend. OP or the Ex's "friend" isn't friend enough to have the courage, the conviction, the decency or the common courtesy to have a conversation with their "friend" to make him aware they are pursing at least a friendship. Therefore OP and the Ex's "friend" have decided it is best to hide the friendship from the Ex.

 

The Ex's "friend" knows the OP is fresh out of a LTR where she was dumped, offers / is a shoulder to cry on, knowing the Ex is still hung up on the Ex (last thread I saw about the Ex was mid April), OP is not interested in a relationship, recently raped and dating others.... still is interested and pursuing "something" more than a "friendship" with the OP is "unhealthy". Not to mention, this was / is his best "friend" Ex.

 

Ex's best "friend" not with standing, this guy has some major issues and has bad news written all over him.

 

Based on the OP's history with men, was recently raped, she is only 3+ months out of the relationship with a "stand-in" supervisor who was cruel and mean on how he handled the break up, recently raped, pursing a "friendship" full of sexual tension with the Ex's best "friend" even though she knows he wants "more" and knowing she doesn't want a relationship, has no idea what mature or a real friend is (She says everyone involved is mature and a "friends", OP and best "friend" hide their "friendship" from their "friend", etc.)...

 

If you ask me, everybody involved in this situation is "unhealthy"!

 

My advice...

 

1. Get into counseling.

2. Take a timeout from men, sex, dating and relationships until you...

3. Address and deal with all the issues why you were involved with and stayed with 2 men who severely abused you. (men prior to your Ex and your new "friend").

4. Address and deal with all the issues concerning your rape.

5. Address and deal with why you pursue, are interested and date / enter into relationships with "unhealthy" men.

6. Learn what boundaries are and hold yourself and everyone else accountable to them.

7. Fix your BF picker.

8. Figure out what love really is / does.

9. Figure out what a real friend is / does / doesn't do.

10. Want the very best for yourself, your "friends" and the people you care about.

 

Otherwise, the next 37 years will be full of misery, hurt, pain, drama, chaos, disappointment, abuse, sorrow, etc.... just like the last 37 years has been.

 

Quoted just to post it again.

[sweetheart5381]

Here is my take on this big pile of steamy ***** that nobody should step in...

 

1. OP is 37 and the Ex is 48. I am assuming the Ex's best "friend is 37 or older.

2. OP has had at least 2 "severely abusive relationships" in the not too distant past.

3. Ex was a "stand-in" supervisor.

4. Ex is mature but 2 years out of a 23 year marriage, too much, too fast, too soon, acted like a complete a55, became angry at OP and broke up.

5. Ex was told about OP's rape and the Ex didn't offer any support or care.

6. OP created a thread about the Ex in mid April.

7. OP is only 3+ months out from her break up with Ex.

8. Ex's "friend" was helping OP through her break up with Ex.

9. OP says "I feel the vibe is there that he is interested" about Ex's "friend".

10. OP says "I'm not interested in a "relationship" just pursuing the connection".

11. Ex's "friend" offered to have OP over when the ex isn't around so OP would be comfortable.

12. Etc.

 

The OP has a history of severely abusive relationships, getting involved with a "stand in" supervisor, the Ex was "unhealthy", the relationship was "unhealthy", how the Ex handled the break up was cruel and mean, how he handled the rape was cruel and mean, etc.

 

Having said all of that, you tell us that your Ex is mature, your friend and cares about you.

 

Then we have the Ex's "friend"...

 

OP has stated that the Ex's "friend" was there for her through the break up, she believes he is interested in more than being a friend. OP or the Ex's "friend" isn't friend enough to have the courage, the conviction, the decency or the common courtesy to have a conversation with their "friend" to make him aware they are pursing at least a friendship. Therefore OP and the Ex's "friend" have decided it is best to hide the friendship from the Ex.

 

The Ex's "friend" knows the OP is fresh out of a LTR where she was dumped, offers / is a shoulder to cry on, knowing the Ex is still hung up on the Ex (last thread I saw about the Ex was mid April), OP is not interested in a relationship, recently raped and dating others.... still is interested and pursuing "something" more than a "friendship" with the OP is "unhealthy". Not to mention, this was / is his best "friend" Ex.

 

Ex's best "friend" not with standing, this guy has some major issues and has bad news written all over him.

 

Based on the OP's history with men, was recently raped, she is only 3+ months out of the relationship with a "stand-in" supervisor who was cruel and mean on how he handled the break up, recently raped, pursing a "friendship" full of sexual tension with the Ex's best "friend" even though she knows he wants "more" and knowing she doesn't want a relationship, has no idea what mature or a real friend is (She says everyone involved is mature and a "friends", OP and best "friend" hide their "friendship" from their "friend", etc.)...

 

If you ask me, everybody involved in this situation is "unhealthy"!

 

My advice...

 

1. Get into counseling.

2. Take a timeout from men, sex, dating and relationships until you...

3. Address and deal with all the issues why you were involved with and stayed with 2 men who severely abused you. (men prior to your Ex and your new "friend").

4. Address and deal with all the issues concerning your rape.

5. Address and deal with why you pursue, are interested and date / enter into relationships with "unhealthy" men.

6. Learn what boundaries are and hold yourself and everyone else accountable to them.

7. Fix your BF picker.

8. Figure out what love really is / does.

9. Figure out what a real friend is / does / doesn't do.

10. Want the very best for yourself, your "friends" and the people you care about.

 

Otherwise, the next 37 years will be full of misery, hurt, pain, drama, chaos, disappointment, abuse, sorrow, etc.... just like the last 37 years has been.

 

Thank you Gibson for taking the time to read previous posts. Your advice is solid and appreciated.

 

There are a few details here that were overlooked or misunderstood, I will clear them up briefly.

 

1. My last abusive relationship ended 4 yrs ago and I have been in counselling since then to figure out why I chose to stay with abusers. I have spent the last few yrs studying relationships, abuse, stereotypes, attitudes, values etc to better understand and move forward in a healthy way.

 

2. I was not romantically involved with anyone for 3 of those 4 yrs, my current ex is the first. This current ex and I were only together for 8 months and we broke up 4 months ago.

 

4. My ex and I did not date while he was my supervisor, he pursued me for 7 months and I kindly declined - I will never be with another with any sense of power or me. I know boundaries and how to set them and stick to them. The ex and I only started a dating relationsip AFTER he was no longer my supervisor.

 

5. When I say the ex's friend was there for me during and after the break up it means that he did not pick sides and let his friend know it. My ex is fully aware that we are friends (we all work together) and talk frequently. The friend and I do not hide the fact that we enjoy one another's company.

 

6. When I say ex's friend was there for me during the rape, it means he was the first and only person to tell me "its not your fault, report that bastard." He did not look away from me awkwardly knowing of the rape, rather he treated me exactly the same, with sensitivity, respect and dignity. That's a friend to me.

 

Again, Gibson I appreciate that you took the time to look at the facts available in this case and give a logical, respectful response.