Question...mostly for men. Is a man's best friend off limits after a b/u?

[wilsonx]

I have to say many of these replies are written in a vulgar, disrespectful, and, quite frankly, somewhat misogynistic tone. She is not some sex-starved object. If she says she is not trying to level with an ex through revenge, then she is not. Who are you/we to assume what her subconscious intentions are?

 

If she knows, she knows. Further, if she was dumped and has a connection with someone else (regardless of whether or not this man is friends with her ex), she should pursue it if she likes.

 

No there aren't any rules. No there aren't any limits; and I would agree with another posters- he broke up with you. I dont think you should let a ridiculous "bros before hos" conventional, idiotic, boys club value system play any role in your decision making.

 

However, I would advise keeping this relationship with the friend platonic at first, discussing it with the friend, and if it were to become something more- to then have communication about it with the ex at some point. Great chemistry and a connection are not all that common for some people- if this person is special to you, I dont see why not pursue some form of a relationship with him.

 

Right...

 

Sorry you are so clouded in emotions that you don't see logic in how intelligent this decision is.

 

#1 she claims to be victim to a rape

#2 she's putting herself in a situation where another crime could and possibly and will occur against her. (See number #1 for previous bad decisions consequences to her actions)

#3 lets go and date the EX's best friend (If your ex dated your best friend after you broke up with him, you would have a **** fit and be in a jealous rage)

 

Great chemistry and a connection? LOL Its a rebound... anything is great chemistry and connection after the end of a long term relationship / traumatic event. 7 billion people and she chooses the ex's best friend. Actions speak louder then words... revenge and spite

Edited May 30, 2012 by wilsonx

[Gulf-Delta]

I hope the guy friend stays true to his friendship.

 

To the OP, this will do nothing but make you seem loose and vengeful. You are an adult, and can make your own choices, but it will make yourself look really bad. And I'm not sure your new crush will much appreciate it, either, depending on how loyal he is.

 

I understand how sexual attraction can be linked to the ways he was therefore you in your time of need, but it just isn't right.

[leoc1973]

Daisy, she's asking a guys opinion. We are giving it to her. If a guy dates his friends ex then he is a lowlife a scumbag has no honor or sense of loyalty. Plain and simple. If she is going further and making the mistake of having a relationship with him then she is getting a really crappy guy. He is in a sense cheating on his best friend so he will cheat on her too. There is just no guilt in this man. No shame at all!

 

Hinatticus, My group of friends had a few girls like that. One weekend they were in love with one of my friends the next she was sleeping with another one. Its funny there was one girl that went through 6 of us. We joked that she had the record. She would show up to the bar and cry and wonder why she can't find a good man. I told her if she could keep penises from falling into her for 5 minutes someone might have some respect for her. Funny thing is she was smart funny educated and beautiful the girl next door look. She literally went home with a different buddy of mine every weekend. But a girlfriend in the group? Absolutely not he would have been shunned!

 

OP, I don't know if your intentions are to get him back some day or just hurt him or what. A guy can forgive a lot of things but if you do this there is no coming back from it. I think you have already decided as to what your going to do tho but remember down the road when this guy is sleeping around and you are heartbroken or he just used you for sex that you did know then what you know now.

[Riseabove]

Ex-girlfriends of friends of mine are off-limits. Period. Friends of ex'es are also off-limits. It does not matter who broke up with who.

 

Usually I stop thinking about girls as attractive as soon as they become girlfriends with a friend of mine. I have experienced ex-girlfriends of friends of mine that has been attracted to me immediately after their breakup. This is mostly because I had become good friends with the ex'es when they were together and for some reason they felt that they could talk to me about the breakup and they felt some kind of temporary connection. It has never crossed my mind to use the situation to my advantage.

 

Like mentioned before in this thread some girls have passed through our group of friends only for sex, but thats is something completely different than ex'es.

 

I would say that if you choose to go forward with the chemistry you feel with the friend of your ex you will destroy their friendship.

[fucpcg]

I say if the best friend does give you attention, you two deserve each other, and your ex deserves a new best friend.

[sweetheart5381]

Right...

 

Sorry you are so clouded in emotions that you don't see logic in how intelligent this decision is.

 

#1 she claims to be victim to a rape

#2 she's putting herself in a situation where another crime could and possibly and will occur against her. (See number #1 for previous bad decisions consequences to her actions)

#3 lets go and date the EX's best friend (If your ex dated your best friend after you broke up with him, you would have a **** fit and be in a jealous rage)

 

Great chemistry and a connection? LOL Its a rebound... anything is great chemistry and connection after the end of a long term relationship / traumatic event. 7 billion people and she chooses the ex's best friend. Actions speak louder then words... revenge and spite

 

Interesting.

 

1. Blame a rape on the victim because of her bad decisions rather than the bad decisions of the attacker. Very intelligent thinking there my friend. And we wonder why there are rapists among us. Because society blames the victim.

 

2. Assume that it would bother me that he dates my best friend - fact is, he told me all the time how he wanted to f*$k my friends. I dont care what or who he does now... when it's over its over.

 

3. My ex slept with his best friend's girl behind his back a few yrs ago. The ex damaged the friendship long ago and his friend forgave him because this man has a big heart, unlike my ex. Where is the bro code?

 

All I have learned from this thread is that several of the men on this forum are single for a reason... they judge.

 

I do not come here to be judged, or feel as though it was somehow my fault I was sexually assaulted, etc.

 

I come for advice, not character asassination.

[fucpcg]

That's like me coming in here and posting a thread called " is it okay if I smack my girlfriend across the face?" And then get pissed off if I was judged, instead of given advice. You hooking up with his best friend I a double smack across your ex's face, and you shouldn't even have to ask.

[utterer of lies]

FYI - I am the dumpee.

 

To the men out there - is this wrong?

 

It's ok because he dumped you. It would not be ok if you dumped him.

[Tree_Salmon]

That's like me coming in here and posting a thread called " is it okay if I smack my girlfriend across the face?" And then get pissed off if I was judged, instead of given advice. You hooking up with his best friend I a double smack across your ex's face, and you shouldn't even have to ask.

 

This is true.

That's a line that shouldn't be crossed in my opinion.

 

First off it means you must have thought about it before, even while with the man.

 

Second, my buddies wouldn't do that out of respect. Especially if I loved a girl for a while. It shows lack of character on the friends side.

 

Third, why would you want any connection to that part of your life? if you're done with him leave and find a new set of people. Why hover around this guy and possibly hurt him/ruin a friendship?

[Riseabove]

 

 

I come for advice, not character asassination.

 

You have been given good advise. This bro'code is something that has existed as long as I have had friends old enough to have serious relationships and is not something that is born out of bitterness. If you still choose to have some kind of relationship to his friend you should know that it will ruin their friendship. If you dont care about that, you should just do it. Exceptions to the rule might occur, but most likely not.

[stillafool]

Ya, sex is sex... nothing to do with love or commitment.

 

We all feel sexual chemistry many times a day Wilson. Look at a set of nice tits.. well there you go.

 

I'm not asking if it's ok to have sex... am a big girl and will decide when the time is right. I dont need permission from anyone

 

I am looking for a male perspective and others are clearly misunderstanding the situation.

 

Simply put:

 

Man tells woman, "Go away, leave me alone, don't talk to me again. I want to **** ____." Yes, that is what I heard from my ex.

 

Woman says, "Ok." Woman cries. Woman does not understand. It breaks her heart.

 

Woman moves on in time and forgives.

 

So what the hell does this ex have any business in her life anyway, really?

 

He is a friend now... nothing more and he deserves no more respect than any other male friend.

 

I just answered my own question.

 

It sounds like you are still hurt over your exes words and actions. It does feel like a revenge move you want but maybe not. I know you are looking for men's opinions on this and I'm a woman but I wouldn't want for one day the two of them to get together and compare notes on their sexual experience with me. How would you feel if your ex started dating one of your friends?

[EgoJoe]

OP, You asked for advice and you got it. I apologize if tough non-coddling love is not to your liking.

 

I invited you to ask yourself some questions, some, not so "nice" but the truth lies in interpretation.

 

To the poster who said silly boys club value system. Wow is all I have to say.

 

Also, OP, we're single because we judge? At this point, I'm single because I have standards and a backbone.

 

So, I have new advice OP, go out there and do it. Go out there and throw yourself at this guy because two or three wrongs make a right. Not only that but your Ex screwed around with one of his girls so now you two can go "get back" at him...oh wait. He doesn't care, he dumped you and is with someone else.

 

I didn't want to say it but lets be honest. If you think as guys we haven't seen this situation before, the rationale and the excuses then you must think that all men are just idiots. Which might be why you are single. Note how I phrase that different.

 

I'm retiring from this post. What a waste of my time.

 

I plagiarized a biggy song to end this thread: Ego Ego Ego can't you see? Sometimes your words embarass me. And I just love your candid words, seeings things as they are and not what they were!

[threebyfate]

Simply put:

 

Man tells woman, "Go away, leave me alone, don't talk to me again. I want to **** ____." Yes, that is what I heard from my ex.

 

Woman says, "Ok." Woman cries. Woman does not understand. It breaks her heart.

 

Woman moves on in time and forgives.

 

So what the hell does this ex have any business in her life anyway, really?

 

He is a friend now... nothing more and he deserves no more respect than any other male friend.

 

I just answered my own question.

Yes, you've answered your own question. You're not responsible for your ex's feelings of jealousy anymore.

 

Just make sure that's it's solely attraction driving your interest and if it is, you're good to go.

[EgoJoe]

I actually thought about this on the way to work and I wanted to add this finl thought.

 

My considerations, advice etc. have nothing to do with your Ex.

 

It is all about your self-respect.

[chapter44]

Simple rule:

 

"I don't date friends of exes or exes of friends"

 

Relationships are complicated enough on their own why add that to the mix?

[FryFish]

So... every guy who responds to your "Question...mostly for men" has told you its a bad idea and you throw a little tissy fit about being judged?...

 

I no understand

[Chi townD]

Interesting.

 

1. Blame a rape on the victim because of her bad decisions rather than the bad decisions of the attacker. Very intelligent thinking there my friend. And we wonder why there are rapists among us. Because society blames the victim.

 

2. Assume that it would bother me that he dates my best friend - fact is, he told me all the time how he wanted to f*$k my friends. I dont care what or who he does now... when it's over its over.

 

3. My ex slept with his best friend's girl behind his back a few yrs ago. The ex damaged the friendship long ago and his friend forgave him because this man has a big heart, unlike my ex. Where is the bro code?

 

All I have learned from this thread is that several of the men on this forum are single for a reason... they judge.

 

I do not come here to be judged, or feel as though it was somehow my fault I was sexually assaulted, etc.

 

I come for advice, not character asassination.

 

Now hold on a minute. You came on here asking for a male perspective on the situation and when the majority of males say it's a bad idea; now we're being judgemental?

 

Well, here's my opinion put to you logically. The Ex's friend stated that he could have you over when your Ex isn't around so you could feel more comfortable. Why hide it? Because the both of you know it would be wrong. You would be seeing each other in secret. And that's not the ideal start to a budding romance and relationship. Hiding things. But....you would have nothing to feel guilty for right? Yet, your hiding.

 

Now, you state that your just really good friends and that's it. But, you already stated that there's sexual tension on your part and more than likely, his too. SO, you would go over to his place with nothing but honorable intentions. But, you would probably come back on here and say that you were watching a Netflix movie on his couch and it was boring. The next thing you know, you two are making out. OPPS!!!!....right.

 

Point is, your going to destroy your Ex and his best friends reationship. You will drive a hard wedge in between them. Even as the dumper, it's going to hurt to see you two together; therefore, he will isolate himself from his social circles so he doesn't have to see the two of you together. He will start to resent you and be angry at you and him. And for what? Your own selfish gratification? I tend to think that you're above doing that.

 

To quote a song, I think your looking for love in all the wrong places.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Chi townD

[EgoJoe]

Now hold on a minute. You came on here asking for a male perspective on the situation and when the majority of males say it's a bad idea; now we're being judgemental?

 

Well, here's my opinion put to you logically. The Ex's friend stated that he could have you over when your Ex isn't around so you could feel more comfortable. Why hide it? Because the both of you know it would be wrong. You would be seeing each other in secret. And that's not the ideal start to a budding romance and relationship. Hiding things. But....you would have nothing to feel guilty for right? Yet, your hiding.

 

Now, you state that your just really good friends and that's it. But, you already stated that there's sexual tension on your part and more than likely, his too. SO, you would go over to his place with nothing but honorable intentions. But, you would probably come back on here and say that you were watching a Netflix movie on his couch and it was boring. The next thing you know, you two are making out. OPPS!!!!....right.

 

Point is, your going to destroy your Ex and his best friends reationship. You will drive a hard wedge in between them. Even as the dumper, it's going to hurt to see you two together; therefore, he will isolate himself from his social circles so he doesn't have to see the two of you together. He will start to resent you and be angry at you and him. And for what? Your own selfish gratification? I tend to think that you're above doing that.

 

To quote a song, I think your looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

Chi, this thread is a waste. This chick will justify whatever to get what she wants. 30+ with this mentality: Chinatown.

[betterdeal]

Why do you feel the need to ask?

[alexandria35]

OP, I'm female and my general rule of thumb has always been that friends and family of my exes are off limits to me regardless of who broke up with whom. I also consider my friends and family off limits to my exes. Realistically I know I don't get to control other people but nobody has ever crossed that boundary with me so far.

 

However, while that is a rule that I choose to live by, I don't neccessarily believe that friends of exes are always off limits without exception. Some of it depends on the nature and length of the ended relationship and how much time has passed since the relationship ended. For example several years ago I dated a guy for about 8 months who I just never seemed to really connect to emotionally or sexually. Our relationship never took off and we eventually parted with no bad feelings. He was a good guy and I only wish him well. If he had become attracted to one of my friends after we broke up, I honestly wouldn't have had a problem with it. I would have been happy for him and my friend. Another scenario where it might be okay is when a long time has passed since the break up. When my children's father and I broke up years ago I would have gone nuts if he started dating one of my friends but now that so much time has passed and my feelings for him are completely dead and gone I wouldn't really care, other than being worried for my friends sanity if she was actually considering dating him...lol. How do you think your ex would feel about you dating his best friend? Would it bother him and it would it negatively impact his friendship? Perhaps you should just come straight out and ask him.

 

My reason for never dating a freind of an ex (and there have been several friends of exes who have come on to me) is mainly for my own reasons. Generally I want my exes gone from my life and I don't want to have proxy type connections with them. I also don't want the new guy and the ex sitting around discussing me. It would sicken me to think that they might have some kind of weirdo discussion about sex with me or something. Lastly I do think the friendship should be respected and that getting involved in something like that is just unhealthy unneccesary drama. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you don't need to play in your ex's pond.

[sweetheart5381]

Now hold on a minute. You came on here asking for a male perspective on the situation and when the majority of males say it's a bad idea; now we're being judgemental?

 

Well, here's my opinion put to you logically. The Ex's friend stated that he could have you over when your Ex isn't around so you could feel more comfortable. Why hide it? Because the both of you know it would be wrong. You would be seeing each other in secret. And that's not the ideal start to a budding romance and relationship. Hiding things. But....you would have nothing to feel guilty for right? Yet, your hiding.

 

Now, you state that your just really good friends and that's it. But, you already stated that there's sexual tension on your part and more than likely, his too. SO, you would go over to his place with nothing but honorable intentions. But, you would probably come back on here and say that you were watching a Netflix movie on his couch and it was boring. The next thing you know, you two are making out. OPPS!!!!....right.

 

Point is, your going to destroy your Ex and his best friends reationship. You will drive a hard wedge in between them. Even as the dumper, it's going to hurt to see you two together; therefore, he will isolate himself from his social circles so he doesn't have to see the two of you together. He will start to resent you and be angry at you and him. And for what? Your own selfish gratification? I tend to think that you're above doing that.

 

To quote a song, I think your looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

Thank you Chi... you were not derogatory to me, did not dig at my age, the fact that I was assaulted (through no fault of my own, trust me) and the list of insults go on... that was pretty brutal, but I understand too. Trust me, the insults were expected with this thread

 

Bottom line, to me if you are over your ex and they are over you, then there essentially should be no limits. No boundaries... what good do they do?

 

That's my own test... if it's really over, then why not pursue a connection?

 

It's weird to me how one can end/change a relationship with a b/u and yet a sense of possession remains for some people.

 

We say "go NC, move on, they don't own you anymore", etc, etc... but really, it seems that this sort of bro code causes more grief than harm in the end.

 

I mean, how many people have replied to this thread?? A sensitive spot clearly, seems to be a possessive thing to me.

 

Just saying

[alexandria35]

Thank you Chi... you were not derogatory to me, did not dig at my age, the fact that I was assaulted (through no fault of my own, trust me) and the list of insults go on... that was pretty brutal, but I understand too. Trust me, the insults were expected with this thread

 

Bottom line, to me if you are over your ex and they are over you, then there essentially should be no limits. No boundaries... what good do they do?

 

That's my own test... if it's really over, then why not pursue a connection?

 

It's weird to me how one can end/change a relationship with a b/u and yet a sense of possession remains for some people.

 

We say "go NC, move on, they don't own you anymore", etc, etc... but really, it seems that this sort of bro code causes more grief than harm in the end.

 

I mean, how many people have replied to this thread?? A sensitive spot clearly, seems to be a possessive thing to me.

 

Just saying

 

But when I break up with someone I expect them to get out of my life. I don't want to see them or hear about them or know anything about them. By becoming involved with my friend they are invading my life.

[sweetheart5381]

Oh and the judgmental part of my post comes purely from the fact that Wilson said I "claimed" to raped... I was.

 

Then was told that I "caused it somehow by my mistakes."

 

Trust me, when an absolute stranger holds you down and penetrates you while you beg and plead for them to stop... well that ain't a mistake. That's a crime that I did not commit, that disgust POS did.

 

Very gross misconceptions in society about rape, relationships, possession and ownership of others.

 

This thread proves it clearly.

 

FYI - my ex would totally agree me on this one. That's why we are friends after a b/u.

[wilsonx]

This thread is purely a seeking attention thread, first you say rape then assault now rape again.

 

You ask us for male opinions, all of us give you our opinions. Im sure 100% of the males said Stay Away, guess what you are going to do? Pursue it

 

Betterdeal said it best" Why ask the question" Because you know its wrong

 

Now when he pumps and dumps you, i wont have to say I told you so and it wont be rape then

Edited May 31, 2012 by wilsonx

[sweetheart5381]

But when I break up with someone I expect them to get out of my life. I don't want to see them or hear about them or know anything about them. By becoming involved with my friend they are invading my life.

 

I understand your POV, however we are all friends in this case with very similar attitudes and values about life.

 

My ex and I are just fine as friends, we are very mature and understand real love. Ya, he hurt me, and I hurt him too. It happens. Every breakup hurts both parties.

 

I dont want my ex to leave my life and neither does he, we know that. We believe in freedom of choice. We let each other go freely. No commitment to come back, just freedom to choose what we want.

 

My big ponder has always been the "bro code", where it comes from and why it exists.

 

I know now. This thread has been enlightening in many ways. Thanks to all for posting.