Why didn't she fight for me?

[Stoneman70]

As I put my story on here,I know it becomes boring and same old, but my emotions are so raw with the affair ending. I know I'm the one who left without saying goodbye and that makes me a horrible man...but she didn't fight for me..I'm torn up inside with pain and anger because I was so hurt by her that she didn't leave her husband for me, and didn't go on dates with me, and didn't spend the night with me, and didn't talk to me on the phone as much as I wanted...she persisted with me when I tried to back down,but when I tried to male our relationship more, she said no I'm scared...she wouldn't even go out to dinner with me. I asked her 5 times to please just stay the night to snuggle...she wouldn't. I know I'm married too, but my marriage is not ideal or anything to base a good marriage on. I love s. I wanted so much more than she gave. I punished her when she cancelled on me by ignoring her calls. I was ****ty to het because I hurt..because all I wanted was her to take off her ring to show me she loved me. I wanted all of her...not just her one time a week to see each other for 3 hours. But what could I do? She said I love u...you love me..but I replied what should I do? She never gave me an answer. I tried to tone it down..she said let's say goodbye to each other. The thought sickened me. I ignored her. If I hurt, she would hurt.

 

I feel so frustrated with everything...all I wanted was her. A woman I loved more than any woman before her.

 

Why didn't she fight harder for me? She's hurting I know...but I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me. The first night i told her id nevrt felt this way she said we should say goodbye...it hurt.

[Stoneman70]

I know she loved me. She persisted with me despite me ignoring her due to my pain. She was so sweet...so incredibly sweet. i know she was scared but I was too. I know she wanted to move to Italy, where I used to live. We talked about that. The love we had was intense, but filled with frustration...I know it was too hard for either of us.

 

I just wish she have more to me. I wonder if she realizes she is one of the reasons I moved back to Europe...she had such an effect of me.

[Stoneman70]

As I think harder about why I didn't say goodbye...I thought if i did, I wouldn't leave. I would see her reaction and she would be sad and i wouldn't go, even though i knew I needed to.

 

Also, I knew she would ask me why I was leaving. How could I tell her its because its too hard to be here knowing we can't be together?? Even though she was moving in August, if I stayed longer, I just knew her husband would find out, it would be harder too..that's what i tell myself. I wish the best for her. I tried to just dissapear thinking this would be best, but its not what I wanted.

[jwi71]

I'm not quite following this.

 

If I remember correctly, didn't you return home without warning, without saying goodbye and without leaving contact info?

 

How could she possibly fight for you when you up and disappear on her like that?

 

And if I may, why didn't YOU fight for her instead of "running away"?

[twinsmom]

I would have to go back and reread the entire story, but I don't remember you saying you ever told her you were willing to leave your wife for her. You just said that it would never work because you were BOTH married. How would she know if she even had a chance?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

you sound so sad and confused right now, and I'm sorry you feel so bad.

 

Is there any way that you can get some kind of counseling for yourself to help you sort through all of this?

 

BTW...( and please don't feel you need to answer if you don't want to) ..was S your "first real love"? if so, that can be pretty powerful and when it is over, it hurts terribly...but you can get past it...time does help.

[Stoneman70]

I come off like a bad guy with my back and forth. I guess my issue is I do go back and forth. I think i should just be happy and work out my issues with my wife...

 

Then I find myself longing for s...and bam...I'm confused about everything. It makes me crazy.

 

Frozensprouts---S is my first real love..I'm 36 and she is the only woman I've ever had intense feelings for. My cousin even said to me after S told him about us that he's never seen me like this before. I never thought these feelings were possible. They were so strong they scared me honestly. Pathetic huh?

[whichwayisup]

Each of you hurt one another in different ways.

 

Why didn't she fight for you? Divorce her husband and chase you? Deep down you know the answer to that because you are married and you didn't chase her, nor did you divorce your spouse. It's kind of an obvious answer..

 

You are going through withdrawal and your mind is spinning, you're feeling all kinds of emotions. Take a deep breath and calm yourself.. Tomorrow join a gym. Start doing fun hobbies, anything to take your mind off of this! Thinking this stuff is just going to drive you crazy.

[happyme]

Be true to your heart. Divorce the woman you don't truly love and tell the woman you do truly love that you are there for her if and when she feels the same. At least then it is up to her, and you will know the truth one way or another. As another poster said: it really IS that simple. You are hurting yourself at the moment.

[Happyface]

She didn't really want YOU.

 

She probably already has what she wants in the long term.

 

You were just an entertainment for a while. That's the way MM/MW seem to work most of the time.

 

Happy Face.

[Got it]

As I put my story on here,I know it becomes boring and same old, but my emotions are so raw with the affair ending. I know I'm the one who left without saying goodbye and that makes me a horrible man...but she didn't fight for me..I'm torn up inside with pain and anger because I was so hurt by her that she didn't leave her husband for me, and didn't go on dates with me, and didn't spend the night with me, and didn't talk to me on the phone as much as I wanted...she persisted with me when I tried to back down,but when I tried to male our relationship more, she said no I'm scared...she wouldn't even go out to dinner with me. I asked her 5 times to please just stay the night to snuggle...she wouldn't. I know I'm married too, but my marriage is not ideal or anything to base a good marriage on. I love s. I wanted so much more than she gave. I punished her when she cancelled on me by ignoring her calls. I was ****ty to het because I hurt..because all I wanted was her to take off her ring to show me she loved me. I wanted all of her...not just her one time a week to see each other for 3 hours. But what could I do? She said I love u...you love me..but I replied what should I do? She never gave me an answer. I tried to tone it down..she said let's say goodbye to each other. The thought sickened me. I ignored her. If I hurt, she would hurt.

 

I feel so frustrated with everything...all I wanted was her. A woman I loved more than any woman before her.

 

Why didn't she fight harder for me? She's hurting I know...but I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me. The first night i told her id nevrt felt this way she said we should say goodbye...it hurt.

 

Stoneman, I understand your feelings and understand the desire to have someone fight for you. . . . BUT . . . . let's look at it from her side, you too were married, you too were testing the waters but you wanted her to go farther out on the limb before you did. That isn't fair or reasonable. Instead of looking for situations for failure did you clearly communicated what you needed? You shouldn't punish those for hurting you, that is immature and unproductive. You can talk to them about them hurting you, discuss how you feel but being passive agressive does not solve the problem.

 

I think that this might be a trend for you in your marriage as well? Do/did you have expectations on behavior without clearly stating it? Do you punish others for hurting you but are unable to bring up the issue and discuss with them?

 

You seem to be taking on a bit of a victim mentality. That isn't going to help you heal. You two were both married and had different expectations and agenda for the affair. I know that hurts and I know how hard it is to say goodbye. My heart breaks for you. But the best thing you can do is own your actions and decisions, accept the facts as they are, learn from any mistakes you feel you made, and work towards moving forward.

 

I am so sorry for your pain and what you have stated and wanted doesn't mean can't happen some point in the future. But we all walk our own paths and are never quite sure when and for how long they will intersect with others. Enjoy the time walking the same path but that tomorrow can bring another bend in the road.

 

Have you thought about getting counseling? It may have you work through this process, mourn the relationship, and also really assess your marriage and what you want to do there. This is your one time around this wonderful planet, how do you want to live it?

[woinlove]

.I'm torn up inside with pain and anger because I was so hurt by her that she didn't leave her husband for me, and didn't go on dates with me, and didn't spend the night with me, and didn't talk to me on the phone as much as I wanted...she persisted with me when I tried to back down,but when I tried to male our relationship more, she said no I'm scared...she wouldn't even go out to dinner with me. I asked her 5 times to please just stay the night to snuggle...she wouldn't. I know I'm married too, but my marriage is not ideal or anything to base a good marriage on. I love s. I wanted so much more than she gave. I punished her when she cancelled on me by ignoring her calls.

 

First, I agree with Got It that you are adopting a victim status which won't help you move on or make better choices in the future. As to the above, you were away from your W and had more freedom to do whatever with S while keeping your W in the dark. S likely had fewer options for keeping her H in the dark and going out with you, staying over night, were likely higher risk to her M than to yours. So, likely you were both doing the same, doing whatever you could with each other as long as you each thought you were not risking your M, but you each had different circumstances so your individual risks to your M differed.

 

From what you post, I don't see much difference in the behavior between you and S. You say you have pain and anger because she didn't leave her H for you, and yet you behaved and are behaving the same way. So why not get angry at yourself instead? I think focussing on your own behavior and its implications will lead you to greater personal growth than focussing on S's behavior. Have you been behaving like the type of man you want to be? If not, how are you going to change that. If you think the answer is yes, then how are you going to continue to be this type of man and deal with the pain?

[Stoneman70]

She didn't really want YOU.

 

She probably already has what she wants in the long term.

 

You were just an entertainment for a while. That's the way MM/MW seem to work most of the time.

 

Happy Face.

 

She did want me, but I know she loved her husband...she told me. I think she was afraid to leave him because they are moving abroad for work and it was bad timing...if she had separated when I had thought she was going to, it would be easy. I realize it wasn't meant to be forever for us...maybe in the future we will both be single and can be together.

[Stoneman70]

Each of you hurt one another in different ways.

 

Why didn't she fight for you? Divorce her husband and chase you? Deep down you know the answer to that because you are married and you didn't chase her, nor did you divorce your spouse. It's kind of an obvious answer..

 

You are going through withdrawal and your mind is spinning, you're feeling all kinds of emotions. Take a deep breath and calm yourself.. Tomorrow join a gym. Start doing fun hobbies, anything to take your mind off of this! Thinking this stuff is just going to drive you crazy.

 

Yes..we both hurt each other. Kind of like cat and mouse. It wasn't good, but when it was good, it was amazing. I understand logically why she didn't fight for me, but part of me feels so much pain in my heart about this whole thing. I ask myself why couldnt we both be single, why did God bring us together only to tear us apart? It was so stressful, but i mever imagined I could love someone like I love her. I ran bevause I'm a coward and I need to change that, I know.

[frozensprouts]

Yes..we both hurt each other. Kind of like cat and mouse. It wasn't good, but when it was good, it was amazing. I understand logically why she didn't fight for me, but part of me feels so much pain in my heart about this whole thing. I ask myself why couldnt we both be single, why did God bring us together only to tear us apart? It was so stressful, but i mever imagined I could love someone like I love her. I ran bevause I'm a coward and I need to change that, I know.

 

stoneman...

 

god didn't bring you together...the two of you made a series of choices that brought you together, for better or worse...

 

you said in a response before that she was your first "real love"...was this because you haven't had the opportunity to find love ( without feeling pressured or obligated into it) so you simply never looked?

 

I know it may be hard to believe right now, but it is possible to love like that again. While the "love" may not be the same as what you had with S, if you, when you feel ready ( and sorted out your marriage) allow your heart to be open, you may just find that you can feel real love again, for someone else.

 

Like I said before, first loves can be very powerful things, and it hurts like h@ll when they end, but that doesn't mean you can never love that way again, nor does it mean you should stop trying. Give yourself time to heal, get your life sorted out then , if you are single, give yourself a chance to see what's out there...you may find love again.

[Emme]

 

Why didn't she fight harder for me? She's hurting I know...but I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me. The first night i told her id nevrt felt this way she said we should say goodbye...it hurt.

 

Why didn't you fight for her? Was she not worth fighting for.

 

Actually tell me what you wanted her to do. Step by step.

[Stoneman70]

Where do I start?

 

I wanted her to:

-separate from her husband when I was gone like she had told me she might do.

-stay overnight with me so we could kiss and snuggle

-go out on dates with me...she never would..she was scared

-talk on the phone with me more...she was always busy, but it hurt..so my stupid brain decided to ignore her calls sometimes because I was hurt and immature about it

-not move to Asia....when she. told me they were moving to Asia...I knew it would never work and she wasn't going to leave him

 

 

In short, I had selfish requests. I know this. I feel just so trapped by her...by my love. It consumes me. I am the type who just wants to work, sleep, eat...what we had was so much more than I could handle. Everything we did was unlike anything ive experienced. Het kisses to how we made love (sorry if too personal), to how she made me feel. What I saw though was she was out of my reach.and it made me mad. I didn't want to break up her martiage, but i did....get it? I was conflicted every day..fight or flight.

 

I ran. I wanted her to do it all by saying yes ill leave him for you. I was scared too. I was unreasonable in my thoughts. When I asked her what should I do..she never answered. I guess I looked for a solution..never got one.

 

I know I need to get over this, but its VERY hard

[whichwayisup]

Where do I start?

 

I wanted her to:

-separate from her husband when I was gone like she had told me she might do.

How could you expect that from her when you weren't even separating from your wife? Or even close to divorcing? This seems like a big ego hurt that she didn't do this, change her life for you.. You didn't do anything to change your life either.

 

-stay overnight with me so we could kiss and snuggle

 

How does one explain 'sleepovers' to their spouses? Maybe she just didn't want to sleep over. She had that right.

 

-go out on dates with me...she never would..she was scared

Yeah she was scared for a reason. She didn't want to get caught..she didn't want to lie to her husband about where she really was.

 

-talk on the phone with me more...she was always busy, but it hurt..so my stupid brain decided to ignore her calls sometimes because I was hurt and immature about it

 

She didn't make you number one. Another ego hurt there? She focussed on herself and kept living life with her husband. You reacted by ignoring her.Maybe she got fed up with that aspect..just something to think about.

 

Too much game playing and immaturity going on between the two of you and that is VERY unhealthy! Not a nice dynamic, nor good qualities for a long lasting relationship.

-not move to Asia....when she. told me they were moving to Asia...I knew it would never work and she wasn't going to leave him

 

Yet this all falls back onto you. You left without saying goodbye.

You had hopes and expectations for her, actions and all yet you did NOTHING to change your status...

 

She built a life with him and obviously loves her husband. Sorry you got hurt but she made a choice to move away, just like you did. She thought of herself JUST like you thought of yourself when you moved away without saying goodbye to her.

 

 

 

In short, I had selfish requests. I know this. I feel just so trapped by her...by my love. It consumes me. I am the type who just wants to work, sleep, eat...what we had was so much more than I could handle. Everything we did was unlike anything ive experienced. Het kisses to how we made love (sorry if too personal), to how she made me feel. What I saw though was she was out of my reach.and it made me mad. I didn't want to break up her martiage, but i did....get it? I was conflicted every day..fight or flight.

Affair dynamic and how she made you feel was addictive..And unhealthy.

 

I ran. I wanted her to do it all by saying yes ill leave him for you. I was scared too. I was unreasonable in my thoughts. When I asked her what should I do..she never answered. I guess I looked for a solution..never got one.

 

Yet again, this falls back onto you.

 

And it could be she just didn't want to take things to the next level. Maybe this A meant more to you than her.

 

Saying and doing are two different things. She never told you she was leaving her husband because she didn't WANT to leave her husband. It is that simple.

 

I know I need to get over this, but its VERY hard

 

Yes you do. And if you can't get over this and work through the pain, then I suggest you seek counselling to help you through this.

[Got it]

Where do I start?

 

I wanted her to:

-separate from her husband when I was gone like she had told me she might do.

-stay overnight with me so we could kiss and snuggle

-go out on dates with me...she never would..she was scared

-talk on the phone with me more...she was always busy, but it hurt..so my stupid brain decided to ignore her calls sometimes because I was hurt and immature about it

-not move to Asia....when she. told me they were moving to Asia...I knew it would never work and she wasn't going to leave him

 

 

In short, I had selfish requests. I know this. I feel just so trapped by her...by my love. It consumes me. I am the type who just wants to work, sleep, eat...what we had was so much more than I could handle. Everything we did was unlike anything ive experienced. Het kisses to how we made love (sorry if too personal), to how she made me feel. What I saw though was she was out of my reach.and it made me mad. I didn't want to break up her martiage, but i did....get it? I was conflicted every day..fight or flight.

 

I ran. I wanted her to do it all by saying yes ill leave him for you. I was scared too. I was unreasonable in my thoughts. When I asked her what should I do..she never answered. I guess I looked for a solution..never got one.

 

I know I need to get over this, but its VERY hard

 

Stoneman, I understand. It isn't a bad thing to reevaluate the relationship and recognizing what you wanted, what you got and didn't get, what you gave, etc. It will help you moving forward. I think the most important piece to recognize is that you have full control over alot of this! (And I see that as a great thing as that means you had power/control). Of course you couldn't control what other parties do but you sure can control yourself. You have now been given an amazing insight, one you didn't seem to have before about yourself, your wants and dreams. It sounds like you have been pretty disconnected from you life. Now is the time to assess what you want for yourself. I do think that shortly you need to start looking at your marriage and decide if there is still life to breath into it or if you need to end it. I think discussing with your wife some of your concerns and unhappiness may allow you to start having some honest discussions and focusing on what is best for both parties.

 

I don't see the same as others where you have to focus on choosing your wife or your OW right now. I think you need to focus on choosing you and by that figuring out what it is that Stoneman wants, needs, expects. You can use this as a life changing event and really look at calibrating your life.

 

It is hard right now and you aren't going to feel like doing much of anything but being melancoly. That is okay, allow yourself to heal but know that you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep on trying to figure out what makes you tick and who you really are.

 

If you know you need to change your perception that you are a coward, deep dive why that is, what are you afraid of and what you can do towards changing it. Remember, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself".

[RickFox]

Yeah it hurts, don't I know it, but you need to come to the realization that she didn't fight for you because in the end, she didn't choose you. Don't waste your time sitting around like I did, wondering, driving yourself crazy with thousands of different thoughts, scenarios, what ifs.

 

It's over, cherish the brief time you had then shove those memories to the back of your mind and when they move to the front, shove them right back. Nothing good comes from pining for someone who doesn't want you and before you rationalize this by saying but she told me she wants me.....realize actions speak louder than words.....

 

My xMW said this to me "I love you more than Ive ever loved anyone, connected with you more than anyone else BUT I still love my husband...." Yours basically said the same thing to you, YOU, Stoneman, are not her choice and you need to come to terms with that. You didn't fight for her, and she did nothing to fight for you.

 

Like I said, yeah, it hurts, but don't kill yourself with questions you will NEVER have the answer to.

[Emme]

Where do I start?

 

I wanted her to:

-separate from her husband when I was gone like she had told me she might do.

-stay overnight with me so we could kiss and snuggle

-go out on dates with me...she never would..she was scared

-talk on the phone with me more...she was always busy, but it hurt..so my stupid brain decided to ignore her calls sometimes because I was hurt and immature about it

-not move to Asia....when she. told me they were moving to Asia...I knew it would never work and she wasn't going to leave him

 

 

 

Now I want you to list the things that YOU were willing to do to have this woman you love. Step by step.

 

 

I find it so odd that people who claim to love someone deeply don't take the risk. They themselves don't take the risk and then look down on someone else. Every one allows fear to consume them at one point or another. The thing is you have to be bold and go after what you want. If this agony that I'm seeing is so strong you would do everything in your power to make her yours. Whether she leaves her marriage or not you know you tried. You tried and failed. Until then you can't be sadden by this. You still have a choice and if you choose her, make your move. If you are too crippled to do so then the love you have for her is dead.

[Stoneman70]

Now I want you to list the things that YOU were willing to do to have this woman you love. Step by step.

 

 

I find it so odd that people who claim to love someone deeply don't take the risk. They themselves don't take the risk and then look down on someone else. Every one allows fear to consume them at one point or another. The thing is you have to be bold and go after what you want. If this agony that I'm seeing is so strong you would do everything in your power to make her yours. Whether she leaves her marriage or not you know you tried. You tried and failed. Until then you can't be sadden by this. You still have a choice and if you choose her, make your move. If you are too crippled to do so then the love you have for her is dead.[/quote

 

My love for her will NEVER be dead...I tried to do what was right. I left to give her a chance with her marriage (and I guess me too), but that doesn't mean i wanted to leave. I became a US citizen for goodness sakes, my home is in Europe though, but I left a good job to live with relatives because my fear and my inability to deal with the fact that I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. I have this pain and it hurts like hell...but I left out of love too. I know we can't be together. I want to be with her, but i want her to be happy more so. That doesn't change the fact that my emotions make me feel like her and I could have made it if only she and I fought harder. Sometimes you don't realize how much more someone means to you until you make these decisions. I love her so much, but after leaving I realize it even more.

 

I know I dis the right thing by leaving, BUT I question myself everyday. My mind is conflicted between what i want and what's best for everyone involved.

[Emme]

My love for her will NEVER be dead...I tried to do what was right.

 

It's already dying slowly. That's the pain you feel. The more time that goes by the more those emotions begin to fade. The memories won't be as crisp or sharp as they once were. Time will begin to erase.

 

Some of us here are doing what was right. We are choosing to be selfless. We all know how to selfish and go after what we want. But sometimes if you truly love and care for someone you have to let them go. It's all for the greater good or for the kids and the family.

 

 

I left to give her a chance with her marriage (and I guess me too), but that doesn't mean i wanted to leave.

 

You can sing a tune any way you want. In the end it is what it is... no more. It's at its end. There is no repeat or rewind. You chose. You! You can't fault her as though this lies in her lap alone. If you said to me you laid everything on the line for her and she didn't reciprocate then I would empathize. You ran. You chose flight. You have to now live with that choice.

 

 

I became a US citizen for goodness sakes, my home is in Europe though, but I left a good job to live with relatives because my fear and my inability to deal with the fact that I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. I have this pain and it hurts like hell...but I left out of love too. I know we can't be together.

 

Pain is good. Feel the pain, embrace it. Don't run from it. It's a part of the healing process. You loved someone and it was real. You decided you couldn't be together. Own it.

 

I want to be with her, but i want her to be happy more so. That doesn't change the fact that my emotions make me feel like her and I could have made it if only she and I fought harder. Sometimes you don't realize how much more someone means to you until you make these decisions. I love her so much, but after leaving I realize it even more.

 

She could have been happy with you. You choose your obligations over her. Don't feel guilty because it. Just don't blame her as though it's her fault. You can't win a fight if your not willing.

 

I know I dis the right thing by leaving, BUT I question myself everyday. My mind is conflicted between what i want and what's best for everyone involved.

 

You are recovering beautifully. It's a part of the process. No pain no gain.

[East7]

Yeah it hurts, don't I know it, but you need to come to the realization that she didn't fight for you because in the end, she didn't choose you. Don't waste your time sitting around like I did, wondering, driving yourself crazy with thousands of different thoughts, scenarios, what ifs.

 

Stoneman, this sums up everything. She didn't choose you! Period. You need to accept that, grieve, heal and move on. If she wanted you so bad it was VERY easy for her to leave her H. They didn't have children which are the only serious barrier. She could have done it but she didn't. And why didn't she run to you? Because she didn't want to. Is that simple. Her "I love you-s" doesn't mean anything.

 

I had real dates with my xMW, had her overnight for 100% for me, went for vacations with her and still...she didn't run to me at the end. She made the choice to stay where she was. I grieved like hell, I hated and loved her at the same time and,.. hell she came back and you know what, it changed nothing, she only wanted to taste the old sweet cake..

 

Get over it. Be a man and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It hurts yes...but get over it. One day you will look at her as history. I never loved a woman like I loved xMW! 2 years later she is history, there is almost nothing in my heart but indifference. Love doesn't survive without reciprocation.

[Bittersweetie]

Stoneman,

 

This reminds me of my last conversation with my xOM, before he abruptly stopped talking to me. It was a bunch of contradictions, things like "I always have such a good time with you" to "you're too conservative for me" to "I'd run away with you" to "don't even think of leaving your husband for me." At the time, I kept wondering, what did he mean? Did he love me? Why would he say that?

 

To me, I've learned if someone really and truly loves and cares for you, they'll back it up with concrete actions. I thought I cared for my xOM, but the reality is I wanted to stay with my husband, and so I didn't push harder with xOM. If he really cared about me, and wanted to solely be with me, he could've said, "B, I want to be with you for real, let's move toward that." But he didn't, he just stopped answering my emails and calls. So neither of us probably cared for each other as much as we thought at the time.

 

I do understand your pain though...rejection hurts, no matter what the situation. At the time, I was hurt because obviously he didn't like me as much as I thought he did. I had my pain for a while, until my d-day, when I realized my pain was peanuts compared to my husband's. Perspective is a powerful tool.

 

I would agree with the poster who said to work on yourself...take some time to work through your thoughts and feelings in IC to get a better grasp on your wants, needs, and especially boundaries. Work on being a stronger, more thoughtful person, it will only help you in the long run, regardless of your situation.

 

B