Why didn't she fight for me?

[Stoneman70]

stoneman...

 

god didn't bring you together...the two of you made a series of choices that brought you together, for better or worse...

 

you said in a response before that she was your first "real love"...was this because you haven't had the opportunity to find love ( without feeling pressured or obligated into it) so you simply never looked?

 

I know it may be hard to believe right now, but it is possible to love like that again. While the "love" may not be the same as what you had with S, if you, when you feel ready ( and sorted out your marriage) allow your heart to be open, you may just find that you can feel real love again, for someone else.

 

Like I said before, first loves can be very powerful things, and it hurts like h@ll when they end, but that doesn't mean you can never love that way again, nor does it mean you should stop trying. Give yourself time to heal, get your life sorted out then , if you are single, give yourself a chance to see what's out there...you may find love again.

 

To tell the truth, no, I've had plenty of relationships--romantic and purely sexual with many women throughout my 36 years (including my wife) and I've NEVER felt love like I felt and still feel for S. I've never had feelings like that. It's weird right? I told S this too..that I've never felt this way before. It makes me think our connection was magical (I told S this too)...so after 36 years, I find my true love, only for it to not be able to work..I realize this makes me sound like I've not been able to connect with other women in the past, but with S, something just clicked. I think that's why I ran too--my feelings were so intense, they scared me.

 

I know I'll recover from this, but it's hard. I never want to forget, just want to be okay again. I want to focus my mind on other things (which I try to do)..I work 6 days a week so that helps. I have no reminders of S here since I moved back to Europe so that helps too. It's just hard...

 

I am thankful for the support on here..

[RickFox]

Dude, seriously, most of us, men and women, have never felt the intensity that we felt when we were with our AP's. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. I felt like xMW was my true love as well, never felt so connected, so alive, so damn in love but while your feelings may be true and genuine, and maybe hers were to an extent, the connection you feel is probably far more than what she feels/felt.

 

Lip service don't pay the bills.

[onthefence210]

Now I want you to list the things that YOU were willing to do to have this woman you love. Step by step.

 

 

I find it so odd that people who claim to love someone deeply don't take the risk. They themselves don't take the risk and then look down on someone else. Every one allows fear to consume them at one point or another. The thing is you have to be bold and go after what you want. If this agony that I'm seeing is so strong you would do everything in your power to make her yours. Whether she leaves her marriage or not you know you tried. You tried and failed. Until then you can't be sadden by this. You still have a choice and if you choose her, make your move. If you are too crippled to do so then the love you have for her is dead.[/quote

 

My love for her will NEVER be dead...I tried to do what was right. I left to give her a chance with her marriage (and I guess me too), but that doesn't mean i wanted to leave. I became a US citizen for goodness sakes, my home is in Europe though, but I left a good job to live with relatives because my fear and my inability to deal with the fact that I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. I have this pain and it hurts like hell...but I left out of love too. I know we can't be together. I want to be with her, but i want her to be happy more so. That doesn't change the fact that my emotions make me feel like her and I could have made it if only she and I fought harder. Sometimes you don't realize how much more someone means to you until you make these decisions. I love her so much, but after leaving I realize it even more.

 

I know I dis the right thing by leaving, BUT I question myself everyday. My mind is conflicted between what i want and what's best for everyone involved.

I want to hug you then shake you. Reading your story made me realize how my friends probably feel about me. I just want to say in your OW's defense, you were in the US without your wife, kids if there are any and the only real risk was on your OW. She had a family to protect etc so that does make it hard for sleep overs, dinner dates, immediate responses to texts etc. it's an A, and affairs are meant to keep secret. That's the nature of the beast. You left the country because you in your heart knows that she has no plans to leave her marriage for you and that made it easier so you thought to cope. But traveling thousands of miles away isn't going to leave behind your heart, your thoughts etc. I think what people fail to understand, including the BS if an A is found out (more so with LTR) that a friendship has too been created. The OM/OW is our bestfriend and when that friendship comes to an end when there wasn't a fight or some type of betrayal, it's a grieving process that we must go thru. It sucks ass and it will test every ounce of strength you have. I let go of my bestfriend too and I hurt every day. I've never experienced this type of grief and I struggle every day, but life will get better. I have to believe that. Do your wife a favor, let her go or commit to her. Don't keep her strung along when she too deserves the kind of love you found in your A.

[Stoneman70]

I want to hug you then shake you. Reading your story made me realize how my friends probably feel about me. I just want to say in your OW's defense, you were in the US without your wife, kids if there are any and the only real risk was on your OW. She had a family to protect etc so that does make it hard for sleep overs, dinner dates, immediate responses to texts etc. it's an A, and affairs are meant to keep secret. That's the nature of the beast. You left the country because you in your heart knows that she has no plans to leave her marriage for you and that made it easier so you thought to cope. But traveling thousands of miles away isn't going to leave behind your heart, your thoughts etc. I think what people fail to understand, including the BS if an A is found out (more so with LTR) that a friendship has too been created. The OM/OW is our bestfriend and when that friendship comes to an end when there wasn't a fight or some type of betrayal, it's a grieving process that we must go thru. It sucks ass and it will test every ounce of strength you have. I let go of my bestfriend too and I hurt every day. I've never experienced this type of grief and I struggle every day, but life will get better. I have to believe that. Do your wife a favor, let her go or commit to her. Don't keep her strung along when she too deserves the kind of love you found in your A.

 

Yes, I agree she was a friend to me as well as my love. I felt so comfortable around her. I'm going to be honest, I started thinking I could just look at her as a sexual conquest--but then I fell in love. We didn't sleep together until 5 months after we met, and that is how we got to know each other better..we were romantic from the start too--not friends. She wanted to wait to have sex so we did. I never pressured her. My cousin told me I should have just slept with her the first night...it's not right, but then maybe we wouldn't have fallen in love..who knows. I never experienced this kind of love (or grief or confliction in my heart) either...I remember in February, I saw her and hugged her and literally felt like my heart was healed. She just made me so happy...

 

BUT....it was SO hard. All I could think of was she wasn't mine, she was married, and I wasn't fully hers either. We tried to end it, but honestly, if I still lived in the US...it would never end. That was my thought anyway. Leaving was the best option for me and I could justify it because my parents and wife are here in Europe, plus a few of my siblings. I was happy in the US and became a US citizen because I have a lot of family/friends there and had a good job. I just didn't see a way to deal with my love for S...I always compared myself to her husband. She asked me not to talk about him..but I did. Then I tried to make her jealous because I was so jealous of him. C'est la vie....

 

I made my bed..I must sleep in it..or so the saying goes. I want her, but it's not feasible. I have to get over it. It's not easy and will take a while, but I need to try.

[Furious]

Maybe you can call her, and ask her point blank, me or your husband.

 

At least then you won't spend the rest of your life wondering.

[threebyfate]

Why didn't she fight for me?

 

Why didn't you fight for your wife and marriage?

[Stoneman70]

Maybe you can call her, and ask her point blank, me or your husband.

 

At least then you won't spend the rest of your life wondering.

 

I wish it were that easy...but she chose him..they are moving to Asia this summer. I wish the best for her, even though I'm miserable. I left to try to get over her. It's not currently working. I can't be in contact with her or ill never recover..no matter how much I want to be. I need to do the right thing.

[happyme]

So how is not being true to your wife and, more importantly, yourself ..... the 'right thing'?

 

Because, as far as I can see, it's entirely wrong.

 

Be honest, be true.... to you. By doing that you will automatically be true towards the woman you married and - while we're at it - towards 'S' too.

 

When you do that, you will feel better, whatever the outcome.

 

All the best Stoneman

[Stoneman70]

So how is not being true to your wife and, more importantly, yourself ..... the 'right thing'?

 

Because, as far as I can see, it's entirely wrong.

 

Be honest, be true.... to you. By doing that you will automatically be true towards the woman you married and - while we're at it - towards 'S' too.

 

When you do that, you will feel better, whatever the outcome.

 

All the best Stoneman

 

I tried to do the right thing by my wife by leaving the US to be closer to her (and to get away from S whom I fell in love with and couldn't have)...I'm trying to do the right thing. When my wife can actually live in the same country as me (she can't right now)...we shall see what happens

[Furious]

I wish it were that easy...but she chose him..they are moving to Asia this summer. I wish the best for her, even though I'm miserable. I left to try to get over her. It's not currently working. I can't be in contact with her or ill never recover..no matter how much I want to be. I need to do the right thing.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems like you are more in love with the idea of being in love rather than the action of true love.

I think you left the states not because she would say no to you, I think you ran away from the possibility of her saying yes to you.

[Stoneman70]

I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems like you are more in love with the idea of being in love rather than the action of true love.

I think you left the states not because she would say no to you, I think you ran away from the possibility of her saying yes to you.

 

Do you think I should have broken up her marriage because I wanted her to myself? I didn't feel right doing that. I left because I knew if I stayed it would be harder 4 months later when I knew she was leaving and because I wanted to see if I could reignite the romance with my wife. My marriage, as I've said before, is not your typical marriage. We haven't lived together since we married and it was an expected marriage (arranged--but we had feelings for each other). When we live together again (hopefully soon), I can see if we are still meant to be. If not, I will go from there...I have to give it a chance.

 

I know everyone says that I should have fought more for S...but she made it clear she wasn't fighting for me (I see this more clearly now)..I love her so much, but it's not meant to be at this time. I want her---BUT I thought long and hard about it---AND realized I have to leave to give her marriage and mine a chance.

[Stoneman70]

Her moving to Asia and telling me she loves her husband showed me I was not number 1...I wanted to be, but I had to realize I couldn't have her. I also realized I want to try with my wife. If I continued to live here...I wouldn't have tried. She can't get a visa to live in the US. I had to go to Europe for that reason too.

 

I just can't communicate enough how conflicted I was this whole time..the past 7 months we were together. I love her, but what can I do about it? She's married, I'm married...what could I do? I know what I WANTED..but that was not what I thought I should do.

[Furious]

If she showed up at your door, would you divorce your wife?

[Stoneman70]

If she showed up at your door, would you divorce your wife?

 

 

I don't know what I would do...

 

If she was single, I think I probably would....

 

If it presented, it's not easy to say for sure. The first thought that popped into my head was yes...I'm sure that makes me seem like a total jerk.

[RickFox]

Don't live on what ifs, you can make yourself crazy with scenarios, this I know.

 

You love her, you'll always have a place in your heart for her, but you already said it, you see now you weren't #1, you aren't #1, you won't be #1. She told you she wants to work on her marriage, that means she wants her safety and security and you were her side dish..... sucks doesn't it? I speak from having gone thru the same thing essentially and it hurts, hurts like hell and the conflicting feelings, the constant thoughts, the pining, the wondering.... they will destroy you slowly. Accept your status as 'at the right place at the right time' and then begin to heal...and that too will take time.

[Furious]

I don't know what I would do...

 

If she was single, I think I probably would....

 

If it presented, it's not easy to say for sure. The first thought that popped into my head was yes...I'm sure that makes me seem like a total jerk.

 

 

You're not a jerk. But let me ask you, in the six years you have been away from your wife were there any other women or was S the only one.

[Furious]

You're not a jerk. But let me ask you, in the six years you have been away from your wife were there any other women or was S the only one.

 

 

I'm sorry I need to clarify my question.

 

What I meant was were there other women who showed an interest in you or was S the only one who you could not resist?

[Stoneman70]

Do you want the truth?

 

Because my marriage was expected and arranged to a point, and because my wife is not the love of my life..and because we don't live together...

 

I have been in limbo for years...S is the only woman I have ever truly loved. That is the truth.

 

I have cheated before...i have had sex with other women before while married. I didn't care about them though...doesn't make it right. I have a lot of issues with my marriage...and I feel like it was doomed from the beginning. Since we've never really lived together, i want to see if it will work. my parents expect me as the oldest son to stay married no matter what.

 

Its a bad situation all around. I own my choices.

 

I should divorce...its only fair, but i wanted to see how living together went first.

 

All my life, women have been there for purely sexual relationships, until i met S.

[Stoneman70]

I'm sorry I need to clarify my question.

 

What I meant was were there other women who showed an interest in you or was S the only one who you could not resist?

 

Yes, other women have showed an interest. But did I love them? No

[Furious]

It is sad for both you and your wife to be trapped in an arranged marriage.

 

I think you should both have a serious talk, especially that there are no children now. It would only be harder to try to divorce in that case.

[Got it]

Stoneman - I think you need to figure out who you are living your life for and what you want out of it. Your actions are showing you are not happy in your marriage (and since you all have never lived together I am not sure how much of a marriage it actual is) but do not want to pull the plug.

 

I think you are projecting some of your own angst and struggles onto your AP and asking questions of her and her actions that you need to ask of yourself.

 

Life is a gamble. You need to move on because it is the right thing to do, not because you have a back up plan; neither woman deserves that.

 

It seems to me you wanted your AP to arrive wrapped up in a bow before you considered your own move. That would allow you the least gamble and the easiest risk. That is unfair and unreasonable.

 

If you want to divorce it should be because you see no future in your marriage and do not want to stay with your wife. If that is not the case then focus there and start working towards building your marriage.

[Stoneman70]

Yes, I have a lot of soul searching to do. I realize my story may anger a lot, but I've really struggled with trying to do what's "right" and what I actually want. Most of my life, I've done what has been expected of me. My whole world was shaken up when i met S and madness followed. I tried to end it..so did she, but as you know, I got so upset and then in turn did the same to her although I never could say "let's sat goodbye"..I could never say goodbye to her..I even said to her after ignoring her (when she finally got a hold of me) that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. Is that the truth? Not at all. I wanted her to be mine so bad.

 

She made me look at her in the eye and tell her i didn't love her. We had an argument and I said lets end this. She didnt want to. I didn't either but said that to make it easier...she asked me over and over..look at me and tell me you don't love me. I couldnt do it...cuz i lover so much.

 

My fears about what we could have been and the drama that would ensue and the main fact that she was moving made me leave without a trace. I wish things were different. I've never lived this much.

 

I am now going to figure out my marriage, however hard it may be.

[Stoneman70]

I should clarify that I couldn't face her to say goodbye. Over the phone three times, I told her let's end this. The one time in person, I told her this is too hard and too stressful and how can thia continue, and that was when she told me to tell her I didn't love her. We both broke down and nothing changed. The whole situation was just so hard.

[happyme]

You are hurting soooo bad, Stoneman...wow... I can feel it from here.

[Stoneman70]

I am hurting very bad..trying to stay strong.

 

I just hope that I can get through this. The worst thing I could do would be to contact S. I am staying strong in not doing that, and the fact that we live in two different countries help. I'm just going through the grieving process of losing a love I couldn't have. I know some may say "yes, you could have her"...but in actuality, no, I couldn't. She was married and wasn't going to leave him and was moving to Asia. I'm married and it was not going to happen just based on our love for each other. I think we both realized it would never work---reality kicked in. Did I want to lose her? no..but did I really think it could be the fairytale I wanted? no.

 

She will always be the love of my life----sounds bad when I'm married, but it's the truth. A lot of times, we don't get to always be with that person. Other people have dealt with it too.

 

My wife is hopefully, as we live together soon, going to be my love again, but it's honestly, not the same. Am I a bad person for saying that? Maybe.

 

I just want to feel happy again---which I am starting to little by little.

 

How I dealt with leaving S was not fair to her, but I did it because if I didn't, I would NEVER be ok. Continuing to talk would be brutal. All I thought about was how her husband got to be with her all the time. I had to cut off contact...and I couldn't emotionally deal with saying goodbye. I just couldn't. Pretending that it would be ok worked for me at the time. I'm reaping the pain now though.

 

I will get better. I will recover. I will be happy with my wife---and if not, I will talk to her about what to do.

 

I will never forget S and I just want to be happy. I love her so much, but I knew I had to let her go---for me, and for her. I couldn't tear apart her marriage when I knew she was happy at many times. I had to let her go..No one can live in the same city continuing an affair with a woman you love more than any woman before and just say...ok let's not talk, and truthfully think it would happen. Besides---my crazy mind figured, if she leaves, I leave.

 

So...here I am.