Being the other man...

[lovestruck72112]

I know that what I'm about to say is probably going to get a lot of nasty comments and opinions, but if that's what it takes to get what I'm looking for then so be it.

 

I have just gone through a divorce, about 2 months ago. I started hanging out with a friend of mine a lot more. I learned after spending more time with him that he and his wife have an open relationship. They were married as teenagers and lost their virginity to each other. In order to keep things spicy between them, they decided to openly see other people, keeping within the basic guidelines of common sense (no drug addicts or criminals, etc.)

 

After my friend's wife began to see my pain and frustrations from my divorce, he and she agreed that I could take her home, just to release some tension. It was a nice gesture, and things were ok the next day. There wasn't anything weird between us.

 

She, however, decided to see me again a week later. In the whole course of this event, we have only been intimate three times. But we have bonded with each other so fast and so strong that neither of us are able to deny the fact that we are actually falling in love with one another. We've even told each other.

 

The point is that our relationship, while starting out as just an intimate encounter, has developed completely on a mental and emotional level. We are completely compatible. While her husband knows that we've been together, he doesn't know that she has fallen for me and I for her. I've witnessed firsthand the way he treats and talks to her. I can't blame her for wanting to be with someone for affection, since it's completely physical with him.

 

But on top of all this drama, her dad just got diagnosed with what could be terminal cancer. She seems really distraught about the whole situation, since she is mostly relying on him for support during this and he is being a real bastard to her. I've thought about just backing off until all of this blows over, but I know that I can't stay away from her. I need advice on how to handle this situation.

 

As i previously stated, I know that there are gonna be a lot of mean comments based on the situation, but this is what my heart wants.

 

Please help.

[jwi71]

I know that what I'm about to say is probably going to get a lot of nasty comments and opinions, but if that's what it takes to get what I'm looking for then so be it.

 

I have just gone through a divorce, about 2 months ago. I started hanging out with a friend of mine a lot more. I learned after spending more time with him that he and his wife have an open relationship. They were married as teenagers and lost their virginity to each other. In order to keep things spicy between them, they decided to openly see other people, keeping within the basic guidelines of common sense (no drug addicts or criminals, etc.)

 

After my friend's wife began to see my pain and frustrations from my divorce, he and she agreed that I could take her home, just to release some tension. It was a nice gesture, and things were ok the next day. There wasn't anything weird between us.

 

She, however, decided to see me again a week later. In the whole course of this event, we have only been intimate three times. But we have bonded with each other so fast and so strong that neither of us are able to deny the fact that we are actually falling in love with one another. We've even told each other.

 

The point is that our relationship, while starting out as just an intimate encounter, has developed completely on a mental and emotional level. We are completely compatible. While her husband knows that we've been together, he doesn't know that she has fallen for me and I for her. I've witnessed firsthand the way he treats and talks to her. I can't blame her for wanting to be with someone for affection, since it's completely physical with him.

 

But on top of all this drama, her dad just got diagnosed with what could be terminal cancer. She seems really distraught about the whole situation, since she is mostly relying on him for support during this and he is being a real bastard to her. I've thought about just backing off until all of this blows over, but I know that I can't stay away from her. I need advice on how to handle this situation.

 

As i previously stated, I know that there are gonna be a lot of mean comments based on the situation, but this is what my heart wants.

 

Please help.

 

Despite this being an open M, it is possible, perhaps likely, that she is cheating on her H.

 

Cheating ISN'T sex or emotional connections - its crossing boundaries without the consent of the other spouse/partner. If their rules are sex only, and she has developed, cultivated AND hid her feelings from her H - then this is an A and she IS cheating on her H.

 

I would suggest NOT being the OM.

 

I would walk from this...the bond you feel for her is NOT likely to be love but rather a need to not be lonely. To be wanted, valued and needed.

 

My .02 of course

[lovestruck72112]

I know that it's not the smartest thing in the world.

 

The fact is that I've known what it is to be single. I know what loneliness is and this is way beyond just filling the void.

 

When I say that we're compatible, I mean I wish I had met her a long time ago. We just click together. Take sex completely out of the equation. I love her personality, what makes her "her".

 

But I believe you are right. I think I need to back off, if for anything else then just to let the marriage she is in dissolve naturally. I promise it is well on its way. Maybe she will appreciate the fact that I am trying to make her happy before myself.

 

It just hurts to grow close to someone so fast and then push them back.

[whichwayisup]

I know that it's not the smartest thing in the world.

 

The fact is that I've known what it is to be single. I know what loneliness is and this is way beyond just filling the void.

 

When I say that we're compatible, I mean I wish I had met her a long time ago. We just click together. Take sex completely out of the equation. I love her personality, what makes her "her".

 

But I believe you are right. I think I need to back off, if for anything else then just to let the marriage she is in dissolve naturally. I promise it is well on its way. Maybe she will appreciate the fact that I am trying to make her happy before myself.

 

It just hurts to grow close to someone so fast and then push them back.

Glad you see this..

 

She is quite vunerable right now, as are you so it's natural to have fallen for one another.

 

Don't forget their rule though..it's an open marriage and I highly doubt she is going to change that. This is a life style they both are used to and you now involved with her isn't going to change that, even if she does love you.

 

Sorry to hear about her father. That's a rough one to deal with.

[Artie Lang]

you guys totally f*cked up!

 

while i don't see nothing wrong with an open marriage- to each their own -i don't recommend it amongst "friends." there are just too many questions surrounding such an arrangement. i mean, you're caught in exactly that.....a F*CKED UP situation.

 

you have to be aware what your feelings- the so-called bond -is NOT real.....it's just that you're in rebound mode. she is also grieving her father's illness. the both of you aren't thinking clearly right now.

 

btw- it sounds more like her husband is a cuckold, rather than a swinger. just sayin'.

 

if you truly value their friendship, you'll call off the sexual relations with her.

[Emme]

The point is that our relationship, while starting out as just an intimate encounter, has developed completely on a mental and emotional level.

 

No! Nothing has developed. The both of you are using each other as a crutch. You are both dependent on each other to escape your lives. You are not on a mental and emotional level. You are on a horny and dependancy level.

 

We are completely compatible. While her husband knows that we've been together, he doesn't know that she has fallen for me and I for her.

 

No! No woman in my opinion who has a open marriage can be compatible (only with someone who's a mirror image of her). The moment she gets tired of you will you be wiling to open your relationship. You are with someone who needs to be satisfied by more than one man. Are you enough.

 

I've witnessed firsthand the way he treats and talks to her. I can't blame her for wanting to be with someone for affection, since it's completely physical with him.

 

No! You won't be a hero. You can't save her. She has to want to save herself. She's depending on you to save her from her life. She's not only with you for affection she is with you for satisfaction.

 

 

Be careful of making your choices based on what you see. Step back and look at how she truly lives her life. No one forced her into this lifestyle. She made the choice.

[woinlove]

I know that what I'm about to say is probably going to get a lot of nasty comments and opinions, but if that's what it takes to get what I'm looking for then so be it.

 

I have just gone through a divorce, about 2 months ago. I started hanging out with a friend of mine a lot more. I learned after spending more time with him that he and his wife have an open relationship. They were married as teenagers and lost their virginity to each other. In order to keep things spicy between them, they decided to openly see other people, keeping within the basic guidelines of common sense (no drug addicts or criminals, etc.)

 

After my friend's wife began to see my pain and frustrations from my divorce, he and she agreed that I could take her home, just to release some tension. It was a nice gesture, and things were ok the next day. There wasn't anything weird between us.

 

She, however, decided to see me again a week later. In the whole course of this event, we have only been intimate three times. But we have bonded with each other so fast and so strong that neither of us are able to deny the fact that we are actually falling in love with one another. We've even told each other.

 

The point is that our relationship, while starting out as just an intimate encounter, has developed completely on a mental and emotional level. We are completely compatible. While her husband knows that we've been together, he doesn't know that she has fallen for me and I for her. I've witnessed firsthand the way he treats and talks to her. I can't blame her for wanting to be with someone for affection, since it's completely physical with him.

 

But on top of all this drama, her dad just got diagnosed with what could be terminal cancer. She seems really distraught about the whole situation, since she is mostly relying on him for support during this and he is being a real bastard to her. I've thought about just backing off until all of this blows over, but I know that I can't stay away from her. I need advice on how to handle this situation.

 

As i previously stated, I know that there are gonna be a lot of mean comments based on the situation, but this is what my heart wants.

 

Please help.

 

Why doesn't her H know she has fallen for you? Is it because her agreement her H would say she has to end things with you if she wants to stay M?

 

As others have said, with your divorce, her father's illness, you are both vulnerable and now it seems she is cheating on her H. All around seems like a bad situation. My advice would be to extract yourself from the situation.

[skywriter]

Just be careful of what you believe is this stong emotional connection.

 

I have this feeling if you get attached to her and she feels cornered to make a choice, you may get a painful reality check.

[utterer of lies]

I can't blame her for wanting to be with someone for affection, since it's completely physical with him.

 

Yeah right. How can you believe that?

 

But on top of all this drama, her dad just got diagnosed with what could be terminal cancer. She seems really distraught about the whole situation, since she is mostly relying on him for support during this and he is being a real bastard to her.

 

Of course he is a real bastard. I'm sure she tells you all the time how much better you are, how much more important to her, etc...before returning to him.

 

Because she's his wife, and you're just 'something to spice up their marriage'.

 

 

Please help.

 

I don't think anything people write here will be able to help you. You will make the same mistake again and again until you she loses interest because you will have stopped being the nice escape fantasy. Because you'll demand that she leaves him. Because you will be full of unhappy emotions.

 

But rejoice - you will learn some important facts about love, and life.

[Barrsitter]

No one really knows the depth of your emotional attachment except you and she so I won't chime in and say you are crazy for feeling strongly about her or that there was no emotional bonding. I would say however, that her father's predicament makes her very vulnerable to anyone who is sympathetic. She's not available or in the right frame of mind to be with you wholly. I would leave it and see what she does and whether she leaves her H. Proof is indeed, in the pudding. Sorry this has happened to you. I'm in the same boat. Found the guy that just "fit" in every way and was so ready to commit all the way and lay everything down for him and for "us", but he's not available and hasn't left his W. It sucks.

[lovestruck72112]

She wants to leave him. But I think LadyGrey said it best when she said that the relationship could continue based on the fact that she is getting the best of both. As much as it's gonna hurt I'm gonna have to back off and see if what she feels for me is stronger than what she feels for him. If she decides to be with me then it's meant to be. If not, on to the next one.

 

Thanks for the opinions and reality checks.

[RickFox]

Yeah I said the same thing concerning my xMW. It wasn't just sex, at least for me, we bonded, best friends, the whole nine yards..... it didn't end well for me....so I say this to you....

 

Run.....don't walk, do it now.

[Artie Lang]

at least you can say you're backing off for the sake of repairing broken fences- their marriage, and the the compromised friendship.

 

give them their space.....if it's how you claim, then she'll end it with her husband and pusrue a relationship with you.

 

 

i guess the marriage wasn't strong enough to weather the introduction of a third person.

[Capris]

Wow, what a story!

I envy those who can handle an open relationship.

Thing is, you indeed are not in a good position.

This couple has managed an open relationship for years as i understand.

That, alone, speaks volume to me.

 

Their bond seems to be tighter then "just another failed marriage".

 

Im really sorry you are in this situation :/

 

Gosh, if you think about this logically, its a dead end. But of course, when has love worked on its logical side?

 

edit: Also, dont rush, your divorce is too fresh. Give space and time to yourself, you might just be searching to fill the hole from your divorce. Divorce is similiar to grieving, no matter who or what was the reason of it.

 

I can only wish you luck and courage to stand up for what you want and need.

[lovestruck72112]

Well... Things just got harder.

 

I tried to tell her that I have to back away. I really tried to do the right thing and remove myself from the equation. When I told her about it, she immediately broke into tears and said that she needed me to stay. When I told her why I had to do it, she said that she was going to tell him about us this weekend. I don't know if I did the right thing here or not, but I told her to think about us when I wasn't constantly around. That way she could see what her life would be like if I was no longer a part of it.

 

I can't help but believe that this is real love. I know she's not wanting me for my looks. I'm a low 6 maybe. So there's something else that she wants from me. I have never been this confused about how to handle a situation.

 

Did I do what was right by telling her that I can't be with her for awhile?

[Artie Lang]

i think you're being on-the-level with her. you're doing all the right things.....well except that you entered into this in the first place.

 

all in all, you're doing what's necessary for the both of you to get your heads straight.

 

i say you keep your distance until she confesses to her husband the true nature of the relationship. if she doesn't tell him, that pretty much means she wants to "cake-eat."

 

if you really think you guys have a shot, then do it the right way. inform her husband- your friend -about the developing feelings and take it from there. stop with all the deception. this guy actually trusted you with his wife's sexuality: the least you can do is be upfront with him.

[nofool4u]

As i previously stated, I know that there are gonna be a lot of mean comments based on the situation, but this is what my heart wants.

 

Please help.

 

Actually, no mean comments to you. He was the cuckold who let his wife go home with another man. This is really on him, not you. What did he think was going to happen?

[Owl]

Well... Things just got harder.

 

I tried to tell her that I have to back away. I really tried to do the right thing and remove myself from the equation. When I told her about it, she immediately broke into tears and said that she needed me to stay. When I told her why I had to do it, she said that she was going to tell him about us this weekend. I don't know if I did the right thing here or not, but I told her to think about us when I wasn't constantly around. That way she could see what her life would be like if I was no longer a part of it.

 

I can't help but believe that this is real love. I know she's not wanting me for my looks. I'm a low 6 maybe. So there's something else that she wants from me. I have never been this confused about how to handle a situation.

 

Did I do what was right by telling her that I can't be with her for awhile?

 

So...did she tell him the truth, or has she "postponed it" for some reason or another?

 

That'll be the crux that tells you what she really wants out of all of this. If she told him...she wants to be with you. If she didn't...then she wants to keep the situation as it is, where she has BOTH of you.

[Capris]

@lovestruck72112

 

Im just a person on the internet from far far away.

I think you made the right choice of keeping your distance.

 

What im concerned about are 2 things. First, you are "freshly" divorced, which may mean that you are searching for some kind of replacement and that its too soon for you to be able to define what you are really feeling for her.

 

Second and more to the main subject, you are talking about a woman who is in an open relationship for years. You are not the confused one (if first comment of mine doesnt apply). She has to figure out what she wants.

 

Does she "think" she's in love with you, or is she really unhappy with their arrangment? Can she commit or is she going to ask you for another open relationship?and if she does, are you ready for it?

 

Again, im just a person on the internet from far far away that just posted some opinions that came to me from your story.

 

I honestly think that your desiscion of being apart for some time will be good for both.

 

Silence speaks volume.

 

Do keep us updated!

Take care!Hugz!

[magnum85]

Lovestruck

 

I'm going to go against the grain and say I believe you done the right thing by telling her exactly how you feel. However I would say you both need to step back from the situation and allow yourselves time to work out exactly what you both want to do about it.

 

If I was you, I would tell her that despite the feelings you have for her right now, you take a back step and so does she to figure out whether or not this is just a convient/passing feeling at this moment in time. I would say at least 3 or 4 weeks with no contact or time together. tell her you are not walking away for good, just purely a break apart to work this out and that you think she should do the same. Maybe arrange a specific date down the line, like I say at least 3 or 4 weeks, where you will meet up again. Tell her to use that time to decide what she wants to do.

 

If you both want this by then I would say it is down to you to force a decision from her. If by that time she has not made a decision, I would say for your own sake you need to end it immediately. If after 3 or 4 weeks she is still undecided, after no contact together i think it's safe to say it will never happen.

 

I would use this time also for you to spend some time with friends and family. Enjoy yourself the best you can and keep as active as you can. Your going to see her again so there is no need to be down and depressed. You may find after this time, one or even both of you realise this is not what you want. It maybe that after the time has passed, you both feel even more sure about your feelings. It is difficult for me to say as only the two of you know.

 

The only problem I see with this is the news of her fathers illness. This is very difficult for her. She may end up hating you for the fact that you have taken a back step right at the time she needs you most. But you have to put yourself first as harsh as that sounds. You have had your own problems recently too. Ok, it may not be as severe as a terminal illness, but again it's a very difficult experience going through a divorce.

 

Should you both decide you want to pursue this relationship, you must expect to have a difficult period ahead. You can say that it's pretty certain your friendship with her husband will be over. You also have to consider she may one day go back to him. Although their marriage is an open marriage, there is obviously something keeping them together. It could be something of a security and comfort zone thing. It could even be that it's just "routine" for them; they may not be overly happy together, but they are happy to accept it for what it is and get by. You also have to consider you could be faced with a similar problem down the line. She may want the freedom of an open relationship. But it could be, as they have been together since a young age, they have changed as people and simply have grown apart but are too scared of being alone.

 

Like I say, without knowing everything, it's hard to give the best advice, but from what I've read, I would take the approach I have written.

 

Good luck

[lovestruck72112]

Well...

It turns out that she has indeed told him that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. She also did what I thought was the best thing and told him while I was there so that if anything needed to be said, it could be done right then and there without anything going unsaid. She told him why she didn't want to be with him anymore. She said that she couldn't keep being shared like a piece of meat anymore and that she wanted to be loved by someone who could give her all she needed in one place. She said that what she needed is me.

 

I didn't think that this would ever happen but I'm glad that it's done. Now we can see about making each other happy. No more hiding, no more secrecy. Just us.

 

I know that you guys may think that this is a very bad idea. but as Capris said, "when has love worked on its logical side?"

 

I know that we belong together. The mistakes that the two of us have made in our lives have simply been the roads we've traveled to get to one another. I hope that everyone gets the chance to feel as happy as I do right now.

[Owl]

So...how did he accept that speech from the two of you?

 

Is she filing for divorce?

 

Has she/is she moving out?

 

Good that it's all out in the open now...now he has the same decision making ability with the light of all of this information as well.

 

Not condemning anyone here...stuff happens. This is a classic, prime example of why "open marriages" are so risky. Physical intimacy often leads to emotional intimacy...just as it works the other way around too.

 

The risk of this happening started the moment they opened their marriage.

 

I'm impressed that the 'reveal' didn't result in physical violence...good restraint on all parts I'm thinking.

[skywriter]

Wow! Lovestruck72112!

 

Those happy ending stories are few and far between.

 

Divorces are alot to go through, hang in there, hopefully

 

everything will work out as it should.

[lovestruck72112]

I know that there are going to be some hard times ahead. When she told him, the first thing he did is say that he figured this would happen. Apparently he kinda knew that she wasn't happy anymore. He grabbed his things and left right after I did. When I came back, it was like walking into one of those romantic movies or something. I could practically hear the violins playing in my head.

 

Last night was the first night we have ever spent the whole night together. It was so amazing to wake up to the morning sun with her beside me.

 

I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. I know that it's a bit messy, but when is life (or love for that matter) ever nice and neat?

 

I finally see myself in the place I'm supposed to be.

 

Cheers.

[Owl]

I hope that this play out the best it can for everyone involved...you, her, and him.

 

One bit of friendly advice...if, in the future, she suggests a threesome...say NO!

 

:D:D