Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Alright, apparently I'm immature and controlling.. If your GF went to hang out with her ex without telling you and doesn't care if it bothers you or that they still like her and want to make it work between them... Wouldn't that piss you off?!?! And she keeps doing it regardless of how you feel on the subject. Her excuse is that we need space and she needs time to hangout with women, her ex is a girl, and she thinks that I am angry about the fact that I don't want her to hangout with anyone else, because I'm apparently smothering her. This is not the case, yes we did spend practically every day with each other, and yes we were arguing over stupid little stuff here and there, but I agreed that we needed time to spend with our friends. She says her only friends that are females are linked to her ex so she wanted to hang out in a group with them, her ex was included in this. The thing is she talks more to her ex then her other said friends, even on the phone for hours, and confides in her about our problems. Bear in mind that if her ex didn't beat her up in front of all of her friends and drag her through the street, have the cops show up at her door numerous times and slander her and her whole family right to their faces, lie about her having cancer, and constantly break her down, then I wouldn'tind so much, because I would trust her. Unfortunately her ex is a manipulative, evil, narcissistic, selfish person. And has caused nothing but problems and drama and constant negativity for not just her, but her family and me as well. I have always been there for her to pick up the pieces whenever they had problems. I've known her for 4 years and we were best friends ever since, we recently started going out a year and a half ago and she has always been a problem. I don't want to give up on her, I love her so damn much, but she says I don't understand what they had. I guess she doesn't understand what we had.. Am I wrong for the way I feel? Is that controlling? I know I'm new here, but someone please help me curb my insanity on this situation. This girl is my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Sounds like she doesn't have much respect for you or herself. How long before you started dating did her and the ex breakup? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks for the reply, it was off and on, but she was apparently finally over her ex about 3 months before we started going out. In the time that they were on and off I took care of her and we spent a lot of time together. We were best friends. Eventually it turned into a more physical relationship between us, even before we started dating, but she never wanted the label of boyfriend girlfriend. She said it seems like it would change what we had even though that's exactly what we were. She eventually wanted to call me her bf and make it official, but she never really told anyone, still Sao single on facebook, and wasn't very affectionate with me around friends. Yet she said she cares so much about me and loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Sounds like she did feel an attachment to you but not the romantic spark. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Is your relationship "open?" If not, why are you accepting this behavior? Recent exes are always off-limits in an exclusive relationship as a matter of common sense, regardless of whether the ex is a woman or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Yeah maybe :/ I can't just let her go though, I can't get her off my mind. I know that when her ex hurts her again, which is inevitable, then she's going to call up crying and saying she was stupid and that she misses me.. On top of that, her and I worked so hard to get her this new job and I'm her only ride to and from work when her ex is working. I don't want her to lose her job, we tried and tried for a good year or so for her to get a job and now she finally has one and this happens. Despite the awkwardness and the silence and anger I still agreed to pick her up and take her to work when I'm not working. I'll feel horrible if I just ignore her or tell her to find other methods to get to work, but it hurts to even see her like this. It's like she's a completely different person now, she was so happy and proud to say that she's not talking to her ex and that she never will again. And all of a sudden BOOM she's a totally different person. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I have to say. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 No it's not an open relationship. And I agree, the act is unacceptable, but I don't know what else to do. I feel as if I would be abandoning her or letting her ex win and continue the abuse. I don't want her in that situation, I don't want anything else to happen to her. Nothing I say or do can change her mind, she just blows up and turns it into an argument when I try and talk to her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Yeah maybe :/ I can't just let her go though, I can't get her off my mind. I know that when her ex hurts her again, which is inevitable, then she's going to call up crying and saying she was stupid and that she misses me.. On top of that, her and I worked so hard to get her this new job and I'm her only ride to and from work when her ex is working. I don't want her to lose her job, we tried and tried for a good year or so for her to get a job and now she finally has one and this happens. Despite the awkwardness and the silence and anger I still agreed to pick her up and take her to work when I'm not working. I'll feel horrible if I just ignore her or tell her to find other methods to get to work, but it hurts to even see her like this. It's like she's a completely different person now, she was so happy and proud to say that she's not talking to her ex and that she never will again. And all of a sudden BOOM she's a totally different person. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I have to say. Thank you. I want you to re-read that and give yourself the advice you'd give to your best friend. You are choosing to allow yourself to be stepped on and used. Everyone makes decisions in life and we have to live with the consequences of them. She will need to learn to stand on her own as you can't continue to be there for her and take care of yourself as well. It's no longer your job to take care of her and she will need to live with her choices here. Are you just a fallback option for when things don't go right? Don't you want to find someone who will treat you like a priority and put you first rather than having to take the scraps? Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 I feel as if I would be abandoning her or letting her ex win and continue the abuse. I don't want her in that situation, I don't want anything else to happen to her. You could look at it this way, or that you are enabling an abusive situation by tolerating it, which some could argue is not far off from condoning it. IMO you need to apply some self-interest here and refuse to tolerate this. If she leaves or continues to blow up about it, then were you really wanting to spend more of your precious time with such a person? The real issue here, the only one you have control over, is that your GF is disrespecting you and the relationship, and that's not healthy or sustainable. Everything else is in distant second place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 You will continue to experience this as long as you tolerate it. The girl lies to you. Red flag #1 The girl continues to see her ex while supposedly trying to build a relationship with you. Red flag #2. The girl meets up with her ex behind your back. Red flag #3. The girl behaves like a totally immature head wrecker. Red flag #4. I'd have been gone after red flag #1. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 So I'm not being immature or selfish or controlling then? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 So I'm not being immature or selfish or controlling then? Goodness no, you're standing by your own morals and protecting your own emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rome1777 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 So the only answer to this is that she's still in love with her ex and she never completely got over her. She cared for me, but the only reason she kept me around was for someone to hangout with, a fallback, and comfort and support. I can't even think of any other girls that way now because of her, but I have to try. I'm going to be reminded of her and the good times that we had 24/7 for a while, but it will get easier. I can't let myself be walked on like that, I do have more self respect then that. I just love her soo damn much.. It's hard to let go. It's hard to never talk to her again, to hear her voice in my head all the time, to dream of her and us being happy and being dorks together again and then wake up and she's not next to me, and I can't call her and tell her about it. I can't ask her about her day, watch her niece grow up, see her family, hold her and just cuddle and talk about random subjects and just talk for hours.. That's all gone with her. I might sound over dramatic, but this is how I feel. I had things that I needed to work on about myself and change, but she has disrespected myself and whatever we had, and not really cared about it either. I'm done taking all of this negative behavior, it's time for me to move on, because she obviously doesn't want to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 So I'm not being immature or selfish or controlling then? No you aren't being immature, selfish or controlling. You are being taken advantage of, you need to stand your ground. I'm done taking all of this negative behavior, it's time for me to move on, because she obviously doesn't want to be with me. Good for you, and you are right. You need to go No Contact with her asap. She is using you. You can and will find a girl who respects you and your relationship with her, this girl does not. Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone, I'm here to share the second side of this story just so you can understand that there were indeed 2 sides. This man and I met when I was still together with my ex, who I had been together with for 4 years. I met him through a mutual friend of ours and had no intentions of being more than friends with him, or in seeing him as anything other than that. For weeks he tried to get me to fall for him by providing me with the support even though I SET BOUNDARIES for myself and told him over 20 times, I kid you not, that I was in no state of mind ready for a relationship and did not feel the way he did for me. For a good almost year, he seemed to be ok with respecting the fact that I prefer women and that I only wanted a friendship from him. During our time of friendship and constant hanging out solo and with groups, he began to show more and more clinging behavior towards me and affection. I felt bad because I didn't feel the same way and I thought he was understanding, but he still would not get the hint even when I didn't return the affection. I was on and off with my ex and he offered his support, even when I clearly made it obvious that I was in love with someone else and hurting over them. He tried to buy me things all the time and I would always tell him not to and I encouraged him to save his money but he insisted and said it was what he did for all of his friends. We grew closer and started to hang out more and more and many of my old friends moved away and drifted apart from me as did his. Basically I was his only friend besides his cousin and he was the main friend I hung out with. I was a virgin to men when I met him and he was always trying to pressure me to have sex with him in subtle ways. On a night he and I got drunk, I lost my virginity to him and he believed we should be more than friends after that. I felt bad for what had happened but I felt he was someone I could trust since we had grown close as friends. After said events, I hung out with him some more and he was trying to get with a few other women which he had declared love for 2 of them. I offered my support and advice to him for them even when it was clear he still wanted more with me. I had to continue to state my wants and tell him I don't want to hurt you, but he agreed that our friendship was most important so I saw no problem. A year later, we were continuing to hang out and people that knew us began assuming we were together. Although I hadn't agreed to it, he was going behind my back and telling his friends and others that I was his gf, which was not right since I wasn't over my ex and I had never agreed to it. A few weeks after this, I tried to make it work with him, hoping I would have the same feelings for him that he had for me if I tried. Yes, it was a stupid thing to do to force something that wasn't completely there. I began to get annoyed at how clingy he was becoming with me and how he wanted to be with just me ALL the time and got mad when I hung out with other people. I also found it unattractive that his mother would try to dictate his where abouts when he is supposed to be a grown 23 year old man. We had no privacy, he did not control his spending whether it be on me or for himself (some women may find that attractive to date a sugar daddy, but not me.), he would hang things over my head that he had done for me in arguments which was manipulative as well. He also went behind my back to purchase alcohol for my 17 year old sister, which I found disrespectful as well. I had a few more arguments with him and began to find more things I did not like about him. During this time, I began to want my space, even just to be alone by myself to have personal time, but he would always take it personal and make me out to be the bad guy in the situation and whine about it. I layed down more boundaries and told him I always still felt like I would never be able to give him the same love he had for me since I had already given my heart away. He still seemed to understand and did not complain. Then my ex decides to text me and she and I talked through some old drama and worked out a common agreement to remain friends and hang out in groups of friends together, not solo. I even tried explaining this to him that there was nothing going on and that I understood why he'd be upset but that he could trust me and my own judgement as well. I'm an adult who is fully capable of handling her decisions. Now that everyone online knows our business and he got the pity he wanted, I hope you can at least understand that I'm not some crazy bitch that just wanted to use him. Yes, I cared and will always care about him and we share a bond that will never leave my heart, but I did not want anything serious with him and was not ready to move in with him and settle down wife style. I just turned 21 and I would like to get my life together before jumping the gun. And yes, he instilled confidence in me to assure me I could get my job, but I got it on my own. He offered me rides and I felt bad for having to get them too and I even stated that to him as well, but I guess he doesn't pay attention to what I say or have said, or we wouldn't be having this problem and he would be able to be a man and communicate with me. Edited June 2, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Btw, he and I were NEVER dating for a year and a half, that is a complete lie. We were actually just starting to try it out about 2 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 You didn't work so hard to get me the job, I did the work and you said you believed in me. Nobody forced you to take me there. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 (edited) It sounds like you led him on by letting him think you were together. If you knew he had feelings for you & knew he wasn't looking for anyone else because of you & you agreed to try it out then that's considered being with someone. Edited June 2, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 It sounds like you led him on by letting him think you were together. If you knew he had feelings for you & knew he wasn't looking for anyone else because of you & you agreed to try it out then that's considered being with someone. That's the thing though, i told him how I felt and layed down my boundaries with him. It was him who decided he was ok and still wanted to hang out with me in the hope that I eventually would be with him. He could have left a long time ago, but we had a close friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Alright, apparently I'm immature and controlling.. If your GF went to hang out with her ex without telling you and doesn't care if it bothers you or that they still like her and want to make it work between them... Wouldn't that piss you off?!?! And she keeps doing it regardless of how you feel on the subject. Her excuse is that we need space and she needs time to hangout with women, her ex is a girl, and she thinks that I am angry about the fact that I don't want her to hangout with anyone else, because I'm apparently smothering her. This is not the case, yes we did spend practically every day with each other, and yes we were arguing over stupid little stuff here and there, but I agreed that we needed time to spend with our friends. She says her only friends that are females are linked to her ex so she wanted to hang out in a group with them, her ex was included in this. The thing is she talks more to her ex then her other said friends, even on the phone for hours, and confides in her about our problems. Bear in mind that if her ex didn't beat her up in front of all of her friends and drag her through the street, have the cops show up at her door numerous times and slander her and her whole family right to their faces, lie about her having cancer, and constantly break her down, then I wouldn'tind so much, because I would trust her. Unfortunately her ex is a manipulative, evil, narcissistic, selfish person. And has caused nothing but problems and drama and constant negativity for not just her, but her family and me as well. I have always been there for her to pick up the pieces whenever they had problems. I've known her for 4 years and we were best friends ever since, we recently started going out a year and a half ago and she has always been a problem. I don't want to give up on her, I love her so damn much, but she says I don't understand what they had. I guess she doesn't understand what we had.. Am I wrong for the way I feel? Is that controlling? I know I'm new here, but someone please help me curb my insanity on this situation. This girl is my life. I was not dragged through the streets, get the story right! Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 That's the thing though, i told him how I felt and layed down my boundaries with him. It was him who decided he was ok and still wanted to hang out with me in the hope that I eventually would be with him. He could have left a long time ago, but we had a close friendship. LOL boundaries including having sex. Right. Come on, you accepted gifts from him, hung out with him often, slept with him, allowed him to do you favors...under the guise of "friendship". You knew he wanted more and you used him to your benefit. You led him on, and you know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 LOL boundaries including having sex. Right. Come on, you accepted gifts from him, hung out with him often, slept with him, allowed him to do you favors...under the guise of "friendship". You knew he wanted more and you used him to your benefit. You led him on, and you know it. It's a use use world. Technically he was using me for my affection, sex, and time. It happens, it's life. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Get rid of her. Shes a user that cant be trusted. This is part of the reason why I much prefer straight women; I dont have to worry about them having hang out time with friends because their good friends will usually be women. Link to post Share on other sites
Ju777 Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Another user. You sound a lil confused on which side of the fence you lay your loyalties. You know nothing about me and my intentions in any of these situations, therefore cannot judge me or my character. The things stated in his post were not completely accurate. It's like the innocent person being locked up in prison for false accusations just because a group of strangers wanna act like they know me and my life. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 It's a use use world. Technically he was using me for my affection, sex, and time. It happens, it's life. Classy I take it you are young. You'll learn, eventually, I hope. Ever heard of the golden rule? It's a nice sentiment! Anyway, why don't you two just break up or whatever. Problem solved! Link to post Share on other sites
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