What the $%^& is going on?

[Holly]

Please send me advice. I'm so messed! My BF, Abe, of 1.5 years + has always been 1 hour long distance. Things we wonderful at first, but lately rocky. He manages a sports bar 6 nights a week, & I go to school all day. He doen't have a home phone, & when he calls me from work we talk for a total of five minutes a day. I used to send letters and cards, but he has no mail access now. He graduated college in April, but sleeps through the day from being up late. He even lives free at his work in an hotel suite, so there's no escaping "the dreaded bar" when I visit. We do get along very well when we're together. Abe gives his all at his job, so I know his potential.

 

I helped move him recently and found name & phone numbers on match packets. When confronted, he said one was a guy and the other was from when we separated and that he never called it. I have problems trusting him because he has lied to me before. He is very attractive and cheated numerous times during a previous four year relationship(after it happened to him). He claims he never loved her, and that I am his first love. He acts and says things leading to us getting married someday. I can't tell if he really intends on following through. I know the situation is making me insecure because I have never had to second guess like this before.

 

This summer, he didn't get a career job he applied for four hours away, & then asked if he could move in with me. I told him to wait and make sure it was what he honestly wanted, because I felt he was "settling" for me. He told me he feels like he has to choose between me and a career in large corporations, while I live in a small city. He has asked me three times to move in with him over the last while, and this month I was going to give up my apartment, family and friends to commute to school daily, through a snow belt. When I told him, he said when we can get along for a month without fighting I can move in. He also said he prefers to be married because its too easy to walk off when you just live together. I worry he does things he knows I wouldn't approve of when I'm not around. I get the feeling he is trying to hide his lifestyle from me because he's worried I'll leave him when I find out what he's been up to.

 

I am the product of divorced parents and want better for myself! I lived with someone before and it has been very difficult for me to ever want to try again because the pain and loss was unbearable. Now its even worse with this emotional rollercoaster. This vicious cycle of not seeing him is causing the fights, but he can't see that. I feel so lonely and starved of affection. I feel like I don't even have a boyfriend most of the time, and I find myself "looking around", even though nothing has compared to Abe, and I would never cheat. I want to work through it, even if we do have problems. I love him, and I know he loves me. If I force him to do something he's not ready for, he won't stick around. Please help me. Should I trust him and wait around, or cut my losses and run for the hills?

[Tony T]

You can never go wrong going with your gut. You can bet a guy who manages a bar meets lots of babes every night. He has every opportunity in the world to bed many of them if he wants...and surely he has.

 

It seems he wants to settle down with you. But you have lots of doubts and don't trust him. You have to listen to your feelings and honor them.

 

Have a good talk with this guy. Frankly, I don't get the impression you are all that fond of him. You don't really have much contact. Your schedules are highly incompatible and that would not change until he got a job doing something during the day.

 

From what you write, at this time this is NOT a happening thing. If I have made the wrong assumption and you are madly in love with the guy, my advice stays the same. If he doesn't make some effort to spend some quality time with you, if you can't get the attention and affection you desire from him, DUMP HIM!!!

 

The whole thing just doesn't sound cool to me. Maybe others here will have a different take on the situation. Only you know what you own feelings are. I think you can do a whole lot better.