Affair statistics

[allgoodhere]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people.

[skywriter]

Hi allgoodhere,

 

Thank you for posting your situation and it is nice to here about happy endings.

 

I wish I could post of a happy ending in my situation, unfortunantly it didn't go down that way. But hey, we live and hopefully learn.

 

I can tell you as I've said it here before, one of my closest friendgirls and her husbands relationship started with both of them married to other people. It worked out for them and they've been together for 16 yrs now I think.

 

Its often a matter of the people, and what they are actually out for.

 

My case ,is one of the sadder statistics, got involved with a player.

 

But thanks again for sharing your story.

[jwi71]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

I agree. Statistics on personal behavior that most do not accept are suspect at best.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I agree with this as well. SOME MM do leave for the OW. Some do not.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

I must say this bit strikes me as odd.

If you know he will leave as evidenced by your emphasis on the word "when" and you are happy...why wouldn't you want him when he leaves?

 

Are you saying you want him part-time only? That as a full time H you wouldn't be interested?

 

Or are you simply seeing IF you can get him to leave then dump him - more of self-validation?

 

Any explanation would be great...

[bentnotbroken]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people.

 

 

Actually there are several people on her claiming to be happy and fulfilled and they do come here to commiserate. They have for a number of years. Anyone who takes only what is posted here as proof of a majority isn't looking too deeply into....as you say "those who you know". We all know someone who does or does not fit a particular situation.

[UpwardForward]

Based on my own exp through myself and others, I would say you are correct that a man usually doesn't leave his M unless he has a replacement.

 

And I would also say it's correct that we have no idea how many leave because of the OW relationship, rather than stay (after discovery) to work on - or bring back the 'M' in it's entirety.

[allgoodhere]

Great question. I love my relationship. I am happy. We are both in places where we can't really be together at this time. I am not married, but I have a lot of responsibility. What I meant by that is that he is going to leave regardless of our situation. He is unhappy and it is pretty much a stagnant marriage. She is an alcoholic. He is through dealing with it. So, I said when because I know there will come a time that he does leave. If we are both in a place where it is feasible, and we still want it, fantastic. And yeah, for now I do kind of like the part time thing. It's all I have time for, and him as well.

[allgoodhere]

Actually there are several people on her claiming to be happy and fulfilled and they do come here to commiserate. They have for a number of years. Anyone who takes only what is posted here as proof of a majority isn't looking too deeply into....as you say "those who you know". We all know someone who does or does not fit a particular situation.

 

Yes, there are some, but the majority are people who are either in the throes of a difficult relationship, have had a D-day, or have ended the affair. It's just not a balanced playing field, and the views are skewed.

[UpwardForward]

Based on my own exp through myself and others, I would say you are correct that a man usually doesn't leave his M unless he has a replacement.

 

And I would also say it's correct that we have no idea how many leave because of the OW relationship, rather than stay (after discovery) to work on - or bring back the 'M' in it's entirety.

 

Also, based on my observations, I would say you are incorrect in your assumption that after breakup (D), they go on to 'happy' marriages w the OWs.

[UpwardForward]

Actually there are several people on her claiming to be happy and fulfilled and they do come here to commiserate. They have for a number of years. Anyone who takes only what is posted here as proof of a majority isn't looking too deeply into....as you say "those who you know". We all know someone who does or does not fit a particular situation.

 

Yes, and some seem to have a real Need to commiserate here.

[woinlove]

I guess mine was a "success" story in that MM did divorce and want to be with me. I decided to end it then. And when he did marry again, he repeated his behavior, so he didn't really change. I think whether a MM stays M or divorces, it is important to go through the same effort at figuring out why he chose to cheat, whether he wants to repeat that behavior, and if not, what he will do to make different choices in the future. So leaving one's marriage is only one step and other steps are also important.

[Silly_Girl]

Actually there are several people on her claiming to be happy and fulfilled and they do come here to commiserate. They have for a number of years.

 

 

So VERY true. Across the board.

[allgoodhere]

I think this depends on how the divorce is brought about. If the OW becomes the focus of the D, it's a problem, I think. But a lot of times we women stay quiet. We are unknown to anyone for months, and then after the D are brought forth as a 'new friend'. Happens every day.

[bentnotbroken]

Also, based on my observations, I would say you are incorrect in your assumption that after breakup (D), they go on to 'happy' marriages w the OWs.

 

 

Very skewed isn't it?

[KathyM]

Also, based on my observations, I would say you are incorrect in your assumption that after breakup (D), they go on to 'happy' marriages w the OWs.

Well, just to add to what you said, considering that 75% of second marriages end in divorce, and that statistic is probably higher for second marriages where one of the partners had a history of cheating in his prior marriage, I'd say the OP is not realistic in her assumption that a lot of marriages that come out of infidelity end up as happy ones in the long term.

[Radagast]

Also, based on my observations, I would say you are incorrect in your assumption that after breakup (D), they go on to 'happy' marriages w the OWs.

 

Some of us do, indeed.

[Radagast]

I guess mine was a "success" story in that MM did divorce and want to be with me. I decided to end it then. And when he did marry again, he repeated his behavior, so he didn't really change. I think whether a MM stays M or divorces, it is important to go through the same effort at figuring out why he chose to cheat, whether he wants to repeat that behavior, and if not, what he will do to make different choices in the future. So leaving one's marriage is only one step and other steps are also important.

 

Absolutely. Luckily, when you meet the right person you are prepared to do the hard work that you need to do to win her, and to keep her. But without that it would be very easy just to slip back into comfortable old familiar patterns.

[MissBee]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people.

 

 

Not sure why what anyone else thinks matters and why anyone else needs to "wise up". I've never seen happiness and defensive walking hand in hand.

[Radagast]

Well, just to add to what you said, considering that 75% of second marriages end in divorce, and that statistic is probably higher for second marriages where one of the partners had a history of cheating in his prior marriage, I'd say the OP is not realistic in her assumption that a lot of marriages that come out of infidelity end up as happy ones in the long term.

 

Your statistics are questionable.

 

APA Reference

Heller, K. (2012). The Myth of the High Rate of Divorce. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 30, 2012, from The Myth of the High Rate of Divorce | Psych Central

 

Second Time's the Charm?

 

Is a second marriage more likely to end in divorce? There's no definitive answer.

 

• First marriages tend to last longer than second marriages, 20.8 years versus 14.5 years, U.S. Census data show. But second marriages tend to occur between partners later in life, meaning they are more likely to end in death than first marriages.

 

• The gap disappears in a comparison of only those marriages that end in divorce, with a median of eight years for both first and second marriages.

 

Source: U.S. Census, 2009

[MissBee]

Is this your usual mode of interacting? It seems quite antagonistic and condescending. Personally, I don't care one way or another how many MM leave their M and marry the OW. As I said, I bailed at that point. However, I note that there are published statistics, which you clearly think are faulty. Something to discuss.

 

I agree that surveys of thousands of people can be wrong, but it seems your survey of a handful of people is going to be much less reliable that those who did controlled surveys of thousands. So what exactly is your argument to refute that?

 

I wonder about this as well....

 

Surveys or research based on thousands is wrong. Yet your own personal observations of "several" are more correct? I'm sorry but that is illogical.In any case I don't think most people believe that MM never leave or marry their OW. Clearly some do. However, most would argue that a lot more don't. I also think it illogical that people like to spin affairs as mostly about true love, when that is ridiculous. Just like any other romantic engagement, a lot of times it may not be for "true love", but companionship, romance, sex and may be temporary. If every dating relationship isn't about true love and going to the aisle, and doesn't last for always, I see no reason why people like to make affairs seem more noble and romantic in that regard. I am sure some include love and most likely those who end up leaving and marry their OW love them, yet some may not be about that or the love they have is not the I-want-to-leave-and-now-be-with-you-only kind of love. This is a simple fact.

 

Whether or not only 1% leave or 100%, what does it matter to your personal situation? If you are sure of yourself, your MM, your love, your situation, then you should be able to see those statistics, even accept their validity and see yourself as an outlier. I would. There are lots of things that are the norm that I don't fit. There are lots of areas in life where the chance of doing/being/taking part etc in this thing are statistically low, yet I have been in the number but that doesn't make me deny the norm. I find it puzzling when instead of seeing things in that way one has to actually change around the entire paradigm to suit you.

 

I guess I never understood the "but it worked for me" mentality. How does something working for you all of a sudden change the norm? It doesn't. Unless the normative view was that it is impossible, then of course even one example of the opposite turns the entire thing on its head. But if the norm is that it happens but is not the majority outcome, then how is your outcome anything to wave around as refutation for the norm. You don't get to say macro-statistics are wrong and your own personal observations are more accurate. In the grand scheme of things, why do people need to change their views on affairs to validate the one you're in? No one has to. I can simultaneously know a married couple whose relationship started as an A and be happy for them as a couple without now having to say "Okay As aren't so bad". I don't understand the need to defend As as a whole through disproving statistics and the lot. Can one not be in an A and think your own A different and embrace your own outcome without being upset that most people dislike As and without trying to rewrite the A paradigm?

Edited May 30, 2012 by MissBee

[thomasb]

Considering the fact that 90% of divorces are filed by women I don't think your statement that MM leave more often holds water in the least. And the numbers there are facts.

[Got it]

Considering the fact that 90% of divorces are filed by women I don't think your statement that MM leave more often holds water in the least. And the numbers there are facts.

 

Please cite this stat. I think you are very off base in your percent.

[thomasb]

According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US. There is some variation among states, and the numbers have also varied over time, with about 60% of filings by women in most of the 19th century, and over 70% by women in some states just after no-fault divorce was introduced, according to the paper. Evidence is given that [COLOR=#5588aa]among college-educated couples, the percentages of divorces initiated by women is approximately 90%[/COLOR].

 

In their study titled "Child Custody Policies and Divorce Rates in the US," Kuhn and Guidubaldi find it reasonable to conclude that women anticipate advantages to being single, rather than remaining married.

 

When women anticipate a clear gender bias in the courts regarding custody, they expect to be the primary residential parent for the children and the resulting financial child support, maintaining the marital residence, receiving half of all marital property, and gaining total freedom to establish new social relationships.

 

 

 

 

In other words... women just don't have to take it anymore. My wife could have easily walked away when she found out I cheated. I thank God daily she didn't. And I sure as hell has no ice water didn't want to leave her for OW.

Edited May 30, 2012 by thomasb

[UpwardForward]

Considering the fact that 90% of divorces are filed by women I don't think your statement that MM leave more often holds water in the least. And the numbers there are facts.

 

If the stat is true, I don't think it necessarily reflects the MM who leave - or who drive the W to filing, due to the A.

 

I think one of the ploys is to drive the little woman to desolation through ignorement or indifference, during the A - in order to gain freedom.

[stillafool]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people.

 

I think that most people, not just men, breakup because there is someone else waiting for them. Some people are cowardly enough to leave for another rather than to just leave because they are unhappy. For those people it's just trading one model for another in most cases.

 

If you think people who are HAPPY in their relationships don't need to come here, I'm curious - why are you here since you're so HAPPY?

[woinlove]

Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs.

 

You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave.

 

I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him.

 

You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people.

 

How exactly do you want everyone to "wise up"? Your post suggests you think everyone else thinks "nobody leaves", while I think you would be hard pressed to name a single example of such a poster. Do you want to discuss actual statistical studies or do you want to discuss whether "nobody leaves"? Your OP suggests the latter.