woinlove Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Apparently this thread is only directed to BSs who are women because she keeps stating when "men" leave. OP what about BSs who are men? You are correct, it seems whenever BS is used in this thread, from the context, BW is meant. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) a couple of points... (a) just because a marriage ends after infidelity , it's not always an indicator of the fact that t wayward spouse wanted to leave...sometimes it is, but i think that just as often ( and maybe more) it's an indication that the wayward spouse wants to be "comfy". while there may be internal conflict because the know they are stringing along at least two people, it may not be enough to make them stop...it's "comfy" for them to have both, so they stay put... i also believe that an great deal of the time, it is the betrayed spouse who seeks a divorce. many a wayward spouse has suddenly decided that, upon their spouse telling them to go, they really do want to stay married, but their betrayed spouse will have none of it each situation is different, but the end result is usually the same...someone gets hurt It's also interesting, I wonder how many of these cases in which the MM leaves for the OW, you see it where they have the guts and make the choice to tell their BS they want a divorce BEFORE a dday? How many decide they love their AP so they will take the risk and ask for a divorce themselves so they can be free? I would be very suspicious, even if I ended up with a MM, if he is divorced because there is a dday...i.e. isshh hit the fan so he now has to do something, and it wasn't his choice to come clean and bravely choose one thing or another before he was found out. I suppose the exit affair is the one where the marriage is done and the MP promptly decides and even initiates divorce. I would feel more trusting of this than one who had planned on keeping the A going, but it's only because it was involuntarily discovered that now a choice is being made. I would be curious to see the stats of who normally initiates divorce after dday or failed reconciliation, the MM or the BS? In looking for previous stats on the initial topic, one article was discussing how many As often take on a rebound quality, which is why many don't last when the APs get together. In light of the situation where the MM is kicked out or the BS is the one who decides to divorce, it makes sense that they would of course go to the person in the wings for comfort...as many people do after a breakup, where they find a rebound. So this complicates the situation as I do differentiate choices made on one's own, and with clarity...versus reactions people have to situations they find themselves in against their actual choosing. Edited May 30, 2012 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I was intrigued by thomas' point that women are so much more likely to file for divorce than men are. In the US they are twice as likely, but in some countries (like the UK) it is much higher. Some sources gave statistics on how poorly unmarried men did compared to unmarried women, suggesting that many men have to be married to someone just to survive. The truth is that men don't do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks. I assume most men are perfectly capable of being unmarried, but for those who can't deal with it, it would make sense that they would look for a replacement before divorcing. Not sure how good they are as marriage partners. Other studies claim that the best indicator that someone will be happily married is that they were happily single. In my own experience, that makes a lot of sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 @Allgoodhere Im happy your relationship is "allgood(here)" Of course there are As that end well for the OW, but what do you lose in the process, is the big question. Knowing when to stop investing or not in the MM/W, is the key to an A. Also, in a forum about Other women/men, its logical to see mostly hurt people, if we were all happy, we wouldnt be searching for advise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I was intrigued by thomas' point that women are so much more likely to file for divorce than men are. In the US they are twice as likely, but in some countries (like the UK) it is much higher. Some sources gave statistics on how poorly unmarried men did compared to unmarried women, suggesting that many men have to be married to someone just to survive. The truth is that men don't do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks. I assume most men are perfectly capable of being unmarried, but for those who can't deal with it, it would make sense that they would look for a replacement before divorcing. Not sure how good they are as marriage partners. Other studies claim that the best indicator that someone will be happily married is that they were happily single. In my own experience, that makes a lot of sense. Edit not working. Tried to edit this to say that some MM leaving for OW would fall into the category of these men who can't fare well alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I was intrigued by thomas' point that women are so much more likely to file for divorce than men are. In the US they are twice as likely, but in some countries (like the UK) it is much higher. Some sources gave statistics on how poorly unmarried men did compared to unmarried women, suggesting that many men have to be married to someone just to survive. The truth is that men don't do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks. I assume most men are perfectly capable of being unmarried, but for those who can't deal with it, it would make sense that they would look for a replacement before divorcing. Not sure how good they are as marriage partners. Other studies claim that the best indicator that someone will be happily married is that they were happily single. In my own experience, that makes a lot of sense. I was thinking along these lines too...it makes a lot of sense! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 (edited) many more MM leave for another woman than the BS would care to admit. I would bet almost all of them "left for another woman" because their wives kicked them to the curb and didn't look back. Edited May 31, 2012 by Alice2012 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I would bet almost all of them "left for another woman" because their wives kicked them to the curb and didn't look back. Common misnomer. It's astonishing how many BS's (both gender) are determined to hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I would bet almost all of them "left for another woman" because their wives kicked them to the curb and didn't look back. I don't know if it is almost all of them, a majority or even half...but there are truly some walking around with a boot print up the azz and part of a paycheck to live on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Common misnomer. It's astonishing how many BS's (both gender) are determined to hang in there. Yes, but we are talking about the ones who divorce, not the ones who stay M. Divorce statistics show both that infidelity accounts for a notable fraction of divorces and that women are much more likely to be the ones who file for divorce. I was very surprised at the gender imbalance in filing for divorce. Some studies had it 9 to 1 for women to men. Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 (edited) It's astonishing how many BS's (both gender) are determined to hang in there. It's equally astonishing how many OW/OM believe everything out of their lying, cake-eating MM/MW mouths about the BS who are (according to MM/MW) "determined to hang in there." *She's making me go to therapy. *I have to make her think I'm trying or she's going to take me to the cleaners. *She said she's going to move out of state with my kids if I leave. *She said she's going to kill herself if I leave. *She threatened [this]. *She threatened [that]. *I have to go back home . . . for the kids. Edited May 31, 2012 by Alice2012 2 Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 My Aunt and Uncle left their marriages to be together. They have ben married for 24 years. My BF and I both left our marriages. We are together and still working through things but are in a good place and are in for the long term... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Yes, but we are talking about the ones who divorce, not the ones who stay M. Divorce statistics show both that infidelity accounts for a notable fraction of divorces and that women are much more likely to be the ones who file for divorce. I was very surprised at the gender imbalance in filing for divorce. Some studies had it 9 to 1 for women to men. Even so... I believe lots of women divorce because they're unhappy, want more, have outgrown their partner, have met someone else etc. and lots of men divorce because they've met someone else. It's genuinely only based on real life though, not published UK stats. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 It's equally astonishing how many OW/OM believe everything out of their lying, cake-eating MM/MW mouths about the BS who are (according to MM/MW) "determined to hang in there." *She's making me go to therapy. *I have to make her think I'm trying or she's going to take me to the cleaners. *She said she's going to move out of state with my kids if I leave. *She said she's going to kill herself if I leave. *She threatened [this]. *She threatened [that]. *I have to go back home . . . for the kids. It's on the OW to verify that stuff. Not things I'd be interested in swallowing at face value. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Even so... I believe lots of women divorce because they're unhappy, want more, have outgrown their partner, have met someone else etc. and lots of men divorce because they've met someone else. It's genuinely only based on real life though, not published UK stats. Who files for divorce is part of public record, so I don't think there is much uncertainty in those statistics - which is why I find them so surprising. As to the reason for filing, only in some cases would that be part of public record (such as if they chose to file under adultery, where that is an option) so there is uncertainty there. Link to post Share on other sites
watergirl12 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Even so... I believe lots of women divorce because they're unhappy, want more, have outgrown their partner, have met someone else etc. and lots of men divorce because they've met someone else. It's genuinely only based on real life though, not published UK stats. or there are a lot of cases like mine, where the husband doesn't have the balls to do the leaving so he makes your life a living hell till they push you out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Who files for divorce is part of public record, so I don't think there is much uncertainty in those statistics - which is why I find them so surprising. As to the reason for filing, only in some cases would that be part of public record (such as if they chose to file under adultery, where that is an option) so there is uncertainty there. I split up from my H yet he (for pride reasons) wanted to divorce me. I filled the forms for him, paid the court fee, he signed. He'll be logged as petitioner and I'll be logged as respondent when the truth couldn't be more different. Stats can be slippery lil suckers Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Let us be fair here. There are NO true statistics on whether a married man leaves his wife for another woman, or how many of those relationships end in marriage. Men do not tell when they had affairs. You all think that men don't leave their marriage for another woman waiting in the wings? I would wager that most men who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings, or they wouldn't leave. I know of SEVERAL. And guess what? I am the OW, and I am perfectly happy in my relationship. So, when he leaves... WHEN he leaves, he will come to me unless I decide that I don't want him. You think nobody leaves because you sit on here and read about people who are broken hearted by the ones who didn't. The people who DID leave, who are now in happy marriages aren't on this site because they are HAPPY and don't need to come here and commiserate and cry in their tea about a lost love. Wise up, people. Here are some statistics for you based upon my experience reading these type of fora. OW who are so defensive about statistics mostly end up in one of these categories: Crying in their beer because MM threw them under the bus on dday.Crying in their beer because MM dumped them for, ironically, someone he trusts not to cheat.Crying in their beer because they wasted years foolishly believing a liar.Crying in their beer because MM treats them as poorly as he treated his BS. Could be some humility would have led to less crying. Or better adult beverage. You decide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 or there are a lot of cases like mine, where the husband doesn't have the balls to do the leaving so he makes your life a living hell till they push you out. Yuck. That sounds awful. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I split up from my H yet he (for pride reasons) wanted to divorce me. I filled the forms for him, paid the court fee, he signed. He'll be logged as petitioner and I'll be logged as respondent when the truth couldn't be more different. Stats can be slippery lil suckers I think the poster above you agreed with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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