Seperated from husband, in love w/someone else, but husband cant let go

[daydreamn00]

I am 23 yrs old & I have 2 daughters. I was married to my husband for almost 8 yrs. We went through so many things together & at times it got pretty bad, but we stayed together, we would seperate for a little while then try to make things work again & we must have done that a thousand times I think. I went through a lot of bad times while I was w/him so I did not treat him very well & there were times when he did not treat me very well also. But all in all deep down I know that we will always love & care about eachother, but we cannot live together, we cannot be married because we fight a lot & seemed like we were always on eachothers bad sides. We had good times & things like that too, but there was just so much that had been said/done & the bad days were starting to outnumber the good days. I was majorly stressed all the time between trying to make the marriage work, myself, the kids, the house, etc etc & sometimes I just did not even want to come home. We have been apart now for 3 wks & this is the longest we have ever gone & things feel/seem so serious this time because eventhough I still miss him & cry sometimes I know that I am not in love w/him anymore, to be honest I don't really know if I was ever truly in love like that w/him to begin with.

I will always love him, but loving someone & being in love w/them are 2 different things if you ask me. Well one night we got into a bad fight & I broke down & things got bad, well he just left, took off on me & left me alone w/the kids so I called my cousin to babysit & I went out for a little while. While I was out I met this guy, a guy who just made me laugh like I had not laughed in a long time, someone who I just felt good being around & could just have fun & be myself, unlike the feelings I got around my husband of "walking on eggshells" as I put it.

I knew it was wrong & I hated myself for doing my husband that way, but that guy gave me his number so I called him & we continued to see eachother when we could. Then me & my husband & the kids went on vacation so I cut off all contact w/the guy which felt awful because all I could think of was him, I wanted to be near him & talk to him & that felt terrible because I knew that I was being a fake to my husband. I tortured myself for months & I cried & broke down & didnt know which way was what, I was in a fog really. So finally eventhough we tried very hard to make the marriage work I told my husband that I wanted him to leave.

I know that this other guy is the one that made me feel ok about it, like before this guy came into my life I would have been scared to death just at the thought of not being w/my husband. After my husband left we did talk a lot & he even told me himself that he knew this was coming, but that he just didnt know when it was going to hit. He still claims that he loves me & wants to be w/me & try to make things work, but I honestly don't want to, but I hate that I have to hurt him like this, it breaks my heart because he cries & calls me up & all that stuff still.

He told me that he just didnt know how to let me go & that just made me feel terrible & yes my husband does know about this other man & he said that I just waited until I had someone else lined up before I broke the marriage up, which I guess is kind of true, but I didnt mean for this to all happen like this, but it did because I fell in love w/this other guy so hard & he told me that he loves me too & that I make him happy & that he just wants to be w/me. So here I am I love my husband, but I am totally in love w/someone else & I don't know what to do or say when my husband comes around wanting to talk or he cries or wants to hold me. Some people think that I should try to just make this marriage work for the kids, but me & my younger brother are a product of that, my parents were miserable for 15 yrs before they finally let go. It kind of messes w/kids either way because divorce is bad, but parents that are not in love & who can not laugh together or get along are bad too so I worry about that, but our oldest seems to be doing ok right now, but I know its rough on her. The youngest is not old enough to know whats going on. We had our 2nd baby to try & save our marriage & our family & both of us admit that, it's bad to say & we would never ever say that to our child, but it is the truth. I have told my husband that I am just accepting things as they are, but he is just depressed badly over this & I hate myself for making him feel this way & for hurting him so much, but I feel that there is nothing else that I can say or do to make him understand me. Things are very confusing for me right now, but when I am w/the other guy it all seems so clear, like I know what I want & what makes me happy. I don't know I just hate that things are ending this way, but my husband is trying to listen to me & understand & I just told him that I want him to move on & try to find happiness because we both know that we cannot be together & he even admits this himself & I cannot understand why in this world after all the **** that he would even want to be together. I know that he loves me & he did try to make things good, but it just wasnt there for me like that. I mean I miss him, but I just want to move on & yes I do want to see him happy & w/somebody someday who can treat him good & make him feel good like I do w/this other guy. I know this all sounds so crazy, but I guess my main question is how do I deal w/my husband being this way? I did tell him most of what was on my mind about this whole situation & that I was sorry that I had hurt him so badly & so much & things like that. He told me today on the phone that things were just going to have to be like we didnt know eachother anymore, I guess that is whats best. He comes & picks the kids up & spends time w/them & does good about giving me $$$ for them & things like that, but now he just wants to act like we were never married, I know that it is more painful for him because he is living at his moms & he does not want to be there & he has nobody that he can really talk to & he told me that at least I do have somebody. I am so sad about all of this. I just wished that I could make him understand that the whole main reason that I decided to put an end to this marriage was because we were both unhappy, it felt fake/forced most of the time & I knew that hanging on was only going to hurt more in the long run. Someone out there who knows where I am coming from please throw some advice my way??? Thanks

[seahorse]

Hi daydreamn00,

 

If you were unhappy in the marriage, and the history you have told seems to point that way, with you neither being able to live together amicably, then give it up. Life is just too short to be that miserable. I know, (see my post in lostinemotion's thread). I spent two years plus living a lie for the sake of the kids, and it slowly screwed me right up.

Now I know the next few months will be hard for me and my kids, but at least I'm going in the right direction and have some control.

Your husband is suffering because you are a habit he has to try to break, just as mine is with me. He needs to move on, and you need to be VERY firm about this. Don't give in to him. It sounds like he will be ok with maintenance and seeing your daughters. As long as you can keep civil to each other, but keep it cool, hopefully he will see sense.

 

Seahorse

[learnfrommymistake]

daydreamn00

 

Please take some time and read what is to be found at MarriageBuilders

 

I am not an expert, still trying to work through the problems in my marriage, but this site is helping me understand alot

of what is happening.

 

My main thought is your statement of "love him but not in love with him" - this is pretty much normal - it takes work to

stay "in love" and marriage is about love, not romantic love. Romance will come and go, love is the constant.

 

But you also must be happy with yourself. If you really felt you would be better out of the marriage and on with this

new guy, you would already be there. Be honest with yourself, if you were/are still with your husband, you are not realy

ready to have a new healthy relationship. It will most likely fall apart shortly after you seperate and try to move on with the

new person - once the reactionary phase of your emotions fades.

 

Sorry I cannot give you more, but I hope this will help you.