steven8234 Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 HELP!!! I'm so desperate for help/advice on this issue.... Ok I've been talking to this girl for about a month and a half....after a while we exchanged phone numbers and said we were gonna hang out....she called me and set it all up this happend on Tuesday and we've spent time with one another everyday since.......The more I find out about her the more I'm convinced that I can and will fall in love with her....I'm very confused because she keeps coming over and we'll talk, stare into one anothers eyes but she won't make a move and neither will I....should I just go for broke? Did I mention she lives with her boyfriend? I feel kinda bad in a way because of this but she's actually left him to come over and hang out with me...do I look at this as a good sign? She told me the last night (she stopped by my house before and after work) that her bf knows all about me and doesn't care if she hangs out...he did tell her that she's always in a great mood whenever she see's me. I've been completely honest with her the entire time we've hung out. I've told her that I really like her and I wouldn't like anything more than to steal her from her boyfriend. I've flirted shamelessly with her, I do all the little things that indicated interest I touch her as often and she never shy's away from it......Is this a good sign or am I just trying to make something out of nothing? PLEASE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS OR HAS BEEN IN THIS SITUATION HELP!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 Flattery is a very powerful drug. This might be part of the explanation on why she feels so wonderful after she sees you. Considering I have no knowledge of her relationship with her boyfriend it is possible that you fulfill a void she's experiencing with her current relationship and that is why she continues to nurture a friendship with you. You stated you've expressed your desire to "steal her away from her boyfriend" but you didn't mention her response to this. Did she encourage you to do just that or did she make any type of comment to deter you from following through with your nefarious plan ? Just because she continues to spend time with you doesn't necessarily mean she's ready to walk away from her boyfriend especially if she's living with him. I really think you may be placing yourself in a difficult position and will possibly experience a lot of frustration and heartache. You've made it very clear that you're interested in her but one thing you can't ignore is that she does have a boyfriend and may not be in a position to wholeheartedly accept your advances even though the attention you're giving her makes her feel like she's special. If I were you I would keep my heart in check for a while. If you can continue to treat her as you've been treating her and not let yourself fall too head over heels for her then that would probably be the best action for right now. From what you've said she hasn't given any indication that she is intending to leave her boyfriend so you need to proceed with just a bit of caution when dealing with her. Just because she doesn't pull back or avert your adoration doesn't mean she's going to leave her boyfriend for you. If things progress and your feelings begin to grow deeper I really think you need to discuss this with her and find out what her intentions are. Enjoy your time together as friends but don't invest your heart where it can't be nurtured in return. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author steven8234 Posted June 27, 2004 Author Share Posted June 27, 2004 Thanks a lot on the advice. I've told her several times that I'd love to steal her from her bf and she just smiles at me and tells me she'll be careful. I'm not trying to fall for her and I am taking it as slow as possible. One thing I'd like to add is she says she's moving in August up to San Fran to go to college. I was talking to her on the phone yesterday and she said that she was having second thoughts and may hang aroung here. She's asked me a few times where I'm going to go when I transfer next year (I'm in the Navy) and I told her that if I met the right woman that I'd stay out here in CA and she seemed to respond well to this. Then again I could be just trying to make something out of nothing.... but I'm getting this vibe from her that I can't mistake. She WANTS to spend time with me, she LIKES me. I know it!! Anyway I'm just gonna take your advice and take things slowly and we'll see.... Anyway thanks a lot for the advice and keep your fingers crossed for the nice guy and hopefully I won't finish last AGAIN!!! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 I'll tell you my approach. If I suspect there might be more to a friendship than just friendship, I try to be friends but treat her the way I would someone I'm pursuing romantically. I hang out with her but I don't try to monopolize her time or set up the next meeting as soon as I'm done with the first one. I let her know that I'm a busy man and that I've got a social and even a dating life too. You can drop a hint here and there to see what kind of reaction you get. There are advantages and disadvantages to the friend approach. The advantage is that you can take your time to know someone and develop a comfort level with them, which is important. On the flip side, you may be seen as being too slow or indecisive if you wait too long. Timing is important in making your moves, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 if you do the friend bit, you're still falling for her-still getting emotionally involved. but you're not sure if she'll ever have you. if you push the relationship too hard and too soon, though, you run the risk of stopping something before it starts. what to do, what to do Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 The friendly approach to dating requires something which some people don't have: patience. I find that the results are slower, but since I started doing it this way, I can tell you that I feel more relaxed on dates. I don't even think of them as dates. We just "get together" and see where it goes. I think the whole classic dating activities like dinner and a movie are becoming more a thing of the past. I say "good riddance". To me, classic dating is just plain bulls***. You spend $20-50 bucks (or more) on a meal, and go to some other activity later, hoping that you didn't just blow a wad of cash for no reason. Instead, getting to know them through more casual encounters takes the edge off. You can just chat each other up and get to see if there's any connection there. After about the first or second "get together", then maybe you begin to take it a step further and see if there's anything there. If not, the decision to keep in touch is up to you, though it makes rejection a lot less awkward. You didn't spend too much money, and even though it takes time to do it this way, if you keep your attenae up, you can often decide for yourself whether or not there's a connection and if she's worth pursuing. It's not only her choice; it's yours too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steven8234 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 YOu know I never thought of it that way before, I like it! As for converting my friend into a girlfriend. I decided to take the direct approach. I told her everything that was on my mind to include that I wanted her, thought she was the most wonderful woman in the world, etc.... She said that she felt the same way too but she's been with her b/f for 3 yrs now and that she couldn't/wouldn't cheat on him. She told me there is an undiniable attraction between us and that she really loves spending time with me. I asked her if she thought that interferes with her and her b/f and she said in a way it does but in a way it doesn't. She said she wants to be friends with me and that we being two adults can control the feelings that we both had for wanting to sleep with one another. I being the type of guy that I am told her that I could control myself and that If I couldn't have her as a Girlfriend/lover would settle for a friend. I'm happy to a certain extent but would have really liked to go the other route. I do respect her for telling me how she feels and NOT cheating on her b/f. I mean if I want to date this girl what does it say if she's having sex with me while she with the other guy? Once a cheater always a cheater right?!? Anyway there's this other girl that she works with and she's been putting in good words for me. I asked the other girl out and she said yes. So I'll continue dating and if my "friend" ever wants to make it more than....well I'll be here...... thanks for all the advice everyone.... Steven Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Just a quick note... You should always be direct about the fact that you're interested in seeing someone. Just don't come on too strong when you see them. This approach still leaves you room to be direct about how you feel. It's just a delayed directness. Instead of laying it on the line (like we often do too early in a relationship) it gives you a chance to pace yourself. It gives you a chance to probe her, put her in the spotlight and let her reveal herself. It's not an invitation to ask her personal questions or anything, but you can just get her to talk about herself. Most girls can do that well enough I've learned. What's really good is if you can get her to start talking about feelings, especially about something that she's experienced before. Get her into a zone, a mood. These casual encounters are great for that. By the time you get to the classic dating stage, your work is done. Surely she'll be asking questions about you too. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind, but try to put a positive spin on it whatever you do -- and that's something you should try to do regardless. Over time, couples get into a comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Indie Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 She is using you. This is classic. Tell her to take her emotional needs back to her boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
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