My wife said she does not love me the way she should

[Hank79]

Hello guys

 

I have two parts to this issue and could really use some advice as I'm really upset at the moment.

 

I have a problem in my relationship that is really worrying me. I have been with my wife for 14 years and been married for the last 5. We both met when we were 19 and are now both 33. I will try to be as descriptive as I can because a lot has happened in this time. When we first met I was attracted to her but did not love her but I could see that she really loved me. As I was quite young I was afraid of commitment but I really enjoyed her company and friendship so I stayed with her. Over the years we made a great team, she has supported me through thick and thin, even when I had been through a number of jobs and when we did not have really any money in our early twenties. She came from a low socio economic back ground with and abusive alcoholic father, my youth was quite normal. I felt sorry for her when we were young as she had little self esteem but academically she was very bright and I was average at best. Eventually we both went to university and both got degrees in nursing and are both emergency trained ED nurses.Throughout the years we have been together I did not love her as much as I should and at times treated her quite poorly in a number of situations which has really hurt her. As she was my second only girlfriend I have been learning about relationships as I go and have made some very bad errors in judgment. To keep this short I will name only a few, I have never really helped her with the house work, her father died and I did not give her the support she needed(I thought I did), I got involved in what could be classified as an emotional affair with a classmate at uni(I did not know it was at the time as I thought affairs need to be sexual), I had put financial pressure on our relationship by having very expensive taste in hobbies and cars in relation to how much we used to earn. Although I always was very affectionate with her, I did not complement her enough as a person despite knowing she had a low self esteem. I had been overly critical of her as I was so set in some of my ways I did not know I was being hurtful. With the shift work she also put on a little bit of weight that she now has nearly lost but I made a terrible mistake while we were in Japan recently by saying she would never be trim again like she was when we first met.Through all of the bad things I had done she has stuck by me. I never ever had the intention to ever hurt her and realize now how selfish and what a bad partner and husband I had been.Over the years I have told her I love every day but there just words, quite a few of my actions have not demonstrated this.In the 14 years we have been together it has been the last 4 years that I have really loved her the way I should, the way I should have in the first place!

Despite my wrongs she has stuck by me and never done anything that has hurt me, she's a great woman....I'm so so lucky to have her.So fast forward to 2009, we had a disagreement in Germany on a European holiday and I found out she had been sexually abused buy one of her mothers boyfriends. He never raped her but used to touch her in places and make her rub him while the mother was not watching. I was so angry and disgusted I wanted to tell the police and her mother but she begged me not to. So to the end of that but I felt terrible about it.As of the start of 2011 my wife has been working in the outback 4000 miles aways, while I have a job in an ED department but can't join her as I don't have the qualifications yet. I have had a fair amount of troubles at work and have been a little distracted from her for maybe 14 months with also a hobby I had become obsessed with.We talk every day but recently I forgot her birthday and was 19 days late. This really hurt her and the fact I have not been giving her the support she needs with a stressful job in immigration detention. We are doing very well financially now with her very high paying job which both makes us happy.Just four days ago she tells me she does not love me anymore. I was in total shock. We had and honest talk and I explained how sorry I was for not being the husband she deserves and took complete accountability for my actions. I told her I would not object if she wanted to separate as I had no grounds to do so. I asked if there was another man and she said no. We went to bed that night and she said that she still loves me and that she wants me to prove to her that I can be a better husband and she wants to give me that chance. She also said I was fundamentally a good person and that is why she has stuck by me. She said that even though she will be away I can still demonstrate on the phone that I am more in touch with her feelings and that when she gets back permanently in July it will be a good opportunity to show her I am trying. She says she does not want me to be perfect but less selfish and show her that I love her. Before she got on the plane she said she loves me and everything will be ok but I am so very scared right now. I love her so much and don't want to loose her.

 

 

 

As the first part of my current problem says, My wife has been working away from me on the other side of the country for the past year. She works in a small medical centre with only a handful of staff. Two of the staff are married and have been fighting for the past few months at home and sometime not coming into work. My wife is friends with them both and they both confined in her all there details of there marriage down to there sex life. This couple are headed for a divorce with both parties wanting to move on but there is nothing official at the moment just a lot of fighting. The husband of this couple seems to call on my wife all the time and I know due to the fact she is a good person she would listen to him. Whenever he has had an argument with his wife he comes straight to my wife for support and a chat(I hope it's nothing more). My wife is trying to loose some weight, she does not really need to but has always liked walking. Every morning before work both her and the husband of the couple who are getting divorced go on an hours walk together without anyone else, in outback remote town where there is many places no one can see you. She says she goes with him for security. My wife and him work closely together at work and I have warned her not to get emotionally involved with the couples problems. She has stated many times she feels sorry for him and feels he is hard done by. At times i can detect through her voice she is very frustrated with how the wife treats him and that she is most certainly on his side. My wife is quite critical of the wife. On a few occasions she goes over to see the husband and watches movies and hangs out while the wife is not there, sometime the wife is out of town. As it's a small town a few people have seen them together and think something might be going on. One person knocked on the door of the husbands villa while my wife was there apparently watching a movie and they did not answer the door.So fast forward to last week. My wife came *back for four days for a wedding. In that time she has guarded her phone like I have never seen before, I discovered she has changed her password and become very defensive if a touch her phone. For the four days she was back she had two very long conversation that she did not want me to hear so she left my presence, she states it was the wife asking about some work issues not the husband. For the whole four days I have not seen so much texting in my life, she was on it constantly. She was to meet up with a few friends while she was back but there was much more texting required than to arrange that. As I told her not to be the meat in the sandwich with this couple, she knows I don't want her involved so I thought that she might and she is just trying to not upset me by finding that she is too involved with this couple or the husband.*She tells me the husband is not her type and she would never cheat on me. Am I paranoid or is there something happening with my wife and this man that she does not want me to know. It just seems very coincidental that she tells me she does not love me after spending a lot of time with him. I also find out from her that many married woman she has worked with are having affairs while working in some of the remote locations my wife works at while the husbands are thousands of mile away. I want to trust her but I feel she is in a perfect situation to play up, not because she is looking for it but because of the emotional needs of the husband. My wife is very attractive while the husbands wife according to him is not and also not a nice person. Am I just paranoid.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Hank79

[Radu]

No, she is having an Emotional Affair.

 

Tbh, considering what that husband did with your wife [watch movies together alone and run together alone], he has very poor boundaries ... not sure about his wife.

Also, i'm willing to bet big money that your wife also confided in him your marital problems.

[MuscleCarFan]

It is definitely an emotional affair. I think the tow of you are in need of marriage counseling.

[whichwayisup]

On a few occasions she goes over to see the husband and watches movies and hangs out while the wife is not there, sometime the wife is out of town. As it's a small town a few people have seen them together and think something might be going on. One person knocked on the door of the husbands villa while my wife was there apparently watching a movie and they did not answer the door.So fast forward to last week.

 

 

It's totally inappropriate behaviour.

 

Seems your wife fell out of love for you. Years ago she was in love with you but things and life changed that.

 

Let me ask something? You say from the beginning that you weren't in love with your wife, that she loved you more. Do you love her now or is it just compatibility and comfort that is keeping you married to her?

 

I ask this because it is possible that she felt unloved and undesired by you for so long and as wrong as what she's doing now is, she is justifying this because she knows you don't love her.

[aiyam]

Give her the benefit of the doubt. You said she is a wonderful woman, a good person and known to stand by you. Talk to her about your real feelings. Have you told her, you are afraid of losing her? Don't tell her what to do. But tell her how it makes you feel when she does those things - texting too much, talking longer hours without your presence, etc. Tell her how it affects you.

[Hank79]

Thanks for the responses guys

 

I have to start being a better husband which is what I know for sure, thankfully she has just told me that if she did not love me she would not give me that chance. She has said everything is going to be ok and we will get through this. She also said she knows I can be a good husband but she want me to show it and listen to what she has to say and be more in touch with her feelings.

 

She also said she is very upset beacuse she said she did not want to hurt me. I said she had every right to, I deserved it and she has nothing to say sorry for as this mess has primarily been caused by me. Thankfully I can rest a little easier now because all the signs show she wants to make this work. She has even spoken about having our first baby next year and got a few tests done to make sure she is healthy.

 

I asked her if from now on she could be more firm with me and not let me get away with treating her badly and to keep reminding me to be better to keep me on my toes. The other thing is she's quite a closed person when it comes to conveying how she feels, I asked if she could be more open so our communication was better to try and not let this type of situation arise because we were not communicating properly. She agreed that we need work in this area. She also said she needs to see someone about the abuse from her father and the sexual abuse from the mothers boyfriend so she can move on.

 

I asked her about the password change on her phone and the situation with the potentially divorced husband. She said that she changed the password because people at work were playing jokes on her phone and posting things up on Facebook so she changed the password. She also said the couple are now going to give it a go and not get divorced.

 

She says she has never discussed our problems with the husband or wife. Judging by her lack of communication with me on this matter I believe her. She said in the 14 years we have been together that if she wanted to cheat on me she would have done it by now. She said that she would rather divorce me rather than have an affair as she says she loves me too much and would not do that to me. Over the years I have seen nothing but unflinching loyalty to me so I believe her.

 

She said she only went over to the married couples house twice when the wife was not there and it is not a regular occurrence. She also said she would stop walking with him in the morning if I felt uncomfortable with it as she does not want me feeling insecure. I said I'm fine with it but am a little uncomfortable with her going to there place while the wife is not there. I drew a parallel with me having girls over at our home while she was away and how that might make her feel and she agreed with me. I also told her that what has been going on were she is was something I was guilty of 7 years ago with a classmate at uni. She was hurt then how close I was to a classmate and I would feel just as bad if she was or is as close to the husband or this couple.

 

She denies point blank that she has eyes for him or anyone else there, she said she would tell me if she did. I said to her if she did, I don't have anyone to blame but myself and did not have right to be angry about it.

 

I also said that I feel we need to work on our sex life. Although we make love all the time I get the feel that I am the one doing all the work and being maybe to dominant while she takes more a submissive role. I asked her if there were thing in the bedroom she wants to do and she said yes but she has never told me as I think she is embarrassed. I asked if she could be more open in this area because after 14 years i think we need to spice things up.

 

In the time we have had since our conversation last week, I can tell she really does love me but she wants a better husband. I think a little of the love that eroded has come back a little with the honest emotions we have put on the table for the first time in 14 years. I'm very hopeful I can swing things around and show her my love through actions not just words.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Hank79

[Daisy926]

I read most of your post (don't have much time right now) but I am in a similar situation.

 

Been with husband for 17 years married 4. I think I am falling out of love. Wondering if I ever really loved him or is this comfort.

 

I will say I am having an emotional affair (only not physically) and although that played a part in making me realize I deserve better I have thought these things all along.

 

I just started therapy as I am not sure what I want. I don't want to upset you but feel even from my husband's side maybe we are together out of comfort and longevity.

 

It is very tough so I can't say much to help. I do know I won't just throw it away without trying but I think I am pretty much checked out.

[Radu]

Thanks for the responses guys

 

I have to start being a better husband which is what I know for sure, thankfully she has just told me that if she did not love me she would not give me that chance. She has said everything is going to be ok and we will get through this. She also said she knows I can be a good husband but she want me to show it and listen to what she has to say and be more in touch with her feelings.

 

She also said she is very upset beacuse she said she did not want to hurt me. I said she had every right to, I deserved it and she has nothing to say sorry for as this mess has primarily been caused by me. Thankfully I can rest a little easier now because all the signs show she wants to make this work. She has even spoken about having our first baby next year and got a few tests done to make sure she is healthy.

First fix this, then baby. Baby is not bandaid for marriages.

Baby is to be brought into healthy marriage, it's the cherry on the top.

After an affair it usually takes 2-5 yrs to forgive fully and you never forget, and you and her are still in a LDR.

 

I asked her if from now on she could be more firm with me and not let me get away with treating her badly and to keep reminding me to be better to keep me on my toes. The other thing is she's quite a closed person when it comes to conveying how she feels, I asked if she could be more open so our communication was better to try and not let this type of situation arise because we were not communicating properly. She agreed that we need work in this area. She also said she needs to see someone about the abuse from her father and the sexual abuse from the mothers boyfriend so she can move on.

Make the baby thing conditional on this, and if you two every end up in a LTR and not a LDR, be carefull about BC. The baby thing should scare you, how she brought it up.

 

I asked her about the password change on her phone and the situation with the potentially divorced husband. She said that she changed the password because people at work were playing jokes on her phone and posting things up on Facebook so she changed the password. She also said the couple are now going to give it a go and not get divorced.

Bull****, she changed the password to keep it away from you.

If those ppl truly messed with her phone, why did she keep it guarded from YOU ?

Why did she keep getting mad when you got near it ?

 

She says she has never discussed our problems with the husband or wife. Judging by her lack of communication with me on this matter I believe her. She said in the 14 years we have been together that if she wanted to cheat on me she would have done it by now. She said that she would rather divorce me rather than have an affair as she says she loves me too much and would not do that to me. Over the years I have seen nothing but unflinching loyalty to me so I believe her.

When ppl have just 45minutes together they discuss things they would never dare broach with the person they want to spend 45yrs.

The deadline increases intimacy, and she felt sorry for him in a way seeing his situation as a reflection of hers.

You can bet your life that she talked to him about your relationship.

2nd lie.

 

She said she only went over to the married couples house twice when the wife was not there and it is not a regular occurrence. She also said she would stop walking with him in the morning if I felt uncomfortable with it as she does not want me feeling insecure. I said I'm fine with it but am a little uncomfortable with her going to there place while the wife is not there. I drew a parallel with me having girls over at our home while she was away and how that might make her feel and she agreed with me. I also told her that what has been going on were she is was something I was guilty of 7 years ago with a classmate at uni. She was hurt then how close I was to a classmate and I would feel just as bad if she was or is as close to the husband or this couple.

'She also said she would stop walking with him in the morning if I felt uncomfortable with it as she does not want me feeling insecure.'

See what she did there ?

She basically told you that you feel this way [uncomfortable and even insecure] because of you, it's your problem.

Ppl who are genuinely sorry don't say something like this.

 

She denies point blank that she has eyes for him or anyone else there, she said she would tell me if she did. I said to her if she did, I don't have anyone to blame but myself and did not have right to be angry about it.

You're an idiot.

The marriage going stale/bad is 50% responsability of both partners. Her affair was 100% on her, her choice. Off-course there may have been extenuating circumstances and you carry some blame for the relationship up to that point, but the decision is on her.

You just took all of her blame away, removed all responsability from her shoulders.

Why do we have prisons ? to punish those that broke the rules.

You just gave her amnesty while she wasn't repentant.

Also, she is lying to you, she did have eyes for him, so that's lie nr 3.

 

I also said that I feel we need to work on our sex life. Although we make love all the time I get the feel that I am the one doing all the work and being maybe to dominant while she takes more a submissive role. I asked her if there were thing in the bedroom she wants to do and she said yes but she has never told me as I think she is embarrassed.

That's bad communication on her end, good thing you mentioned it.

 

I asked if she could be more open in this area because after 14 years i think we need to spice things up.

 

In the time we have had since our conversation last week, I can tell she really does love me but she wants a better husband. I think a little of the love that eroded has come back a little with the honest emotions we have put on the table for the first time in 14 years. I'm very hopeful I can swing things around and show her my love through actions not just words.

You don't get it.

She cheated, and you need to show her your love ?

This after complaining that she doesn't communicate with you ?

At this point, i feel she is an entitled brat.

I'll be honest, by tabling having her take responsability, you might get back together with her but chances are down the line she will repeat it.

Ever heard about criminals from prison going back to doing crimes ?

 

In the end, let me break up your little talk :

- she flatly denies all suspicions

- she lied to you 3 times

- you apologized for it all

Exactly what did your talk acomplish ?

I mean besides deluding yourself so that you can get a good night's dream.

 

Next time you two get together, ask for the phone, and take it to a specialist to retrieve the info [deleted too] on the memory.

Or ask acces to her online account so you can download her texts, you need to be face to face for this, watch her face and make sure she understands she needs to give those up THEN.

Also, threaten with a lie detector, see how fast she cracks ... and i do mean go through with it all, book an appointment for both of you.

 

Want to save this marriage long term and have her keep some respect for you ?

Make a stand, be a man, make it sure it's in the open, make her move back home [money is not as important as your SO], let her see you are starting to improve [keep working on yourself] but at the same time start divorce proceedings to make her understand you won't stand for this, say NO to the kid and start using condoms with her, have her go into therapy for her childhood abuse.

She has a choice, divorce or she comes clean with everything and does most of the pulling in Reconciliation.

 

I'll say it again, get started on Divorce proceedings and these things, she needs to see you are serious, and do all of the rest before you drop the bomb on her ... D or all out in the open, every lie will lead to D.

 

That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on your own problems.

You should, keep that as the carrot in front of her, and have the stick be the D and the overall stand.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Radu

[Hank79]

Someone must have done a real number on you, I think I need to give her the benefit of the doubt and improve the way I treat her. If this is not enough than there is not much I can do. I have already told her if she wants another man she can and I would not object or get angry. So for now I will just take it day by day and not get too flustered, what happens is what happens. I will keep you all updated to what unfolds.

[whichwayisup]

I asked her if from now on she could be more firm with me and not let me get away with treating her badly and to keep reminding me to be better to keep me on my toes

 

You cannot put all his on her. Why are you treating your wife badly? You have to own your words and actions, make more effort to be kinder and not treat your wife like crap. Yes, she can hold your feet to the fire but you NEED to stop and think before speaking, remind yourself that this is your wife, maybe soon mother of your child. Respect her more, put her first before yourself.

[aiyam]

Glad to hear things got better. Goodluck, and i hope that you have learned from this situation. Wishing your marriage best of luck and real happiness

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks for the responses guys

I have to start being a better husband which is what I know for sure, thankfully she has just told me that if she did not love me she would not give me that chance. She has said everything is going to be ok and we will get through this. She also said she knows I can be a good husband but she want me to show it and listen to what she has to say and be more in touch with her feelings.

The problem is (and this applies to men mostly) as men, we realize it too late in the game, and by that time the wife is emotionally checked-out. By the time the wife emotionally detaches, you have a steep uphill climb to get her back. It just depends on where she's at right now.

 

Women don't emotionally detach overnight. It's a process that takes months and years but when they reach that point, it's often a point of no return. Based on what you wrote about how you treated her over the years, I'd say you've probably been building up her negative feelings toward you for a long time now.

 

Becoming "a better husband" AFTER you realize she's no longer in love with you is not what women want. They want to feel like you love them because of who they are and because of what they mean to you . . . not as a result of possibly losing them. With that said, I wish you well and hope things work out.

[yessy21]

Defenitley emotional affair.... soon to become sexual. That is why she all of a sudden..."doesnt love u anymore"