How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[Emilia]

 

Instead of being out for myself, what should I be doing?

 

Have concern for other people as well, not just yourself. Your complete disregard for everyone else in the whole wide world is what's so unattractive. This is something that women will notice, guaranteed.

 

 

And how long does it take for a girl to find out? I'm guessing it would be long enough time that we could have gone on a few dates by the time she wants to meet my friends or something.

 

You are guessing wrong. It's obvious when someone is a loner, people with social skills pick up on this straight away and - as other posters noted - your social standing is extremely important to the average girl. Most women want a guy who has a decent social status.

[Emilia]

But you have to stop looking at everything in such a hopeless manner, this is why nothing works for you.

 

It's not about being hopeless, it's about being extremely self centered to the point of complete ignorance of the needs of others.

[somedude81]

Have concern for other people as well, not just yourself. Your complete disregard for everyone else in the whole wide world is what's so unattractive. This is something that women will notice, guaranteed.

And what makes you think I have a complete disregard for everyone else?

 

 

You are guessing wrong. It's obvious when someone is a loner, people with social skills pick up on this straight away and

No girl that I have ever spent time with has guessed that I was a loner. When the topic of friends ever came up, they just assumed the people they've seen me talking to were my friends. Frankly, her friends or mine, is a topic that rarely has come up with any of the girls I've known.

 

- as other posters noted - your social standing is extremely important to the average girl. Most women want a guy who has a decent social status.

I graduated High School over ten years ago.

 

It's not about being hopeless, it's about being extremely self centered to the point of complete ignorance of the needs of others.

And what needs am I ignorant of?

[Meeks7]

None of that has any affect on attraction.

 

I know how to be a good friend and just because I wanted a girl to be my girlfriend is not an argument against that. Also it's not a hidden agenda. The last girl I spent time with knew that I liked her a few weeks after we met. We then when on to hang out for almost two years.

 

So tell me how it's a red flag and that I why you think I don't have reciprocity because I fall for my female friends and they don't like me back.

 

Actually, maintaining friendships do have a MAJOR affect on attraction. It's just not direct, per se. It's moreso maintaining friendships mean you have the ability to make time for other people, care for them, share with them. If you can't do this, then how in the world do you expect to ever land a girlfiend??

 

It's not direct, but it affects each other indirectly. There is no way getting around this. To believe that the two are not connected WHATSOEVER is foolish.

 

 

So tell me how it's a red flag and that I why you think I don't have reciprocity because I fall for my female friends and they don't like me back.

 

The red flag is your girlfriend experience track record living the kind of lifestyle and THINKING the way you think.

 

 

Instead of being out for myself, what should I be doing?

 

Like someone else said, try not being so self-centered all the time. Volunteer. Help out a soup kitchen. Visit the homeless shelter and volunteer your time to just sit down and talk with the people there. It gives you a different perspective on life. For example, once in a while I visit the homeless shelter to wash homeless people's feet. I know the very thought grosses out a lot of people but of course you wear gloves and it's quite safe. Just requires a little bit of SACRIFICE and stepping out of one's comfort zone.

 

Anyway, as you wash their feet they tell you their life story. It's pretty eye-opening, and totally gives you a different shade on life. You realize a lot of these people are just like you and me, except they made some poor choices along the way.

 

One guy I'll never forget. He introduced himself as Bruce Wayne, and called himself THE Batman. Inside, I chuckled. I thought "Oh boy, I got a crazy one here..." but as I washed his feet and we talked, I came to find out he was a very normal and intelligent guy. Crazy, but intelligent. Finally, after I finished washing his feet he thanked me and left. A minute later he came back.

 

"Did you forget something?" I asked.

"I came back to show you this," he replied.

 

He whipped out his ID card and there it was.

 

BRUCE WAYNE.

 

His name really was Bruce Wayne.

 

SON OF A GUN!

 

He wasn't lying after all.

 

I just smiled at him and he winked. After he left I spoke with the coordinator of the homeless shelter and she told me Bruce uses the Batman persona as a way to cope with his being homeless. Needless to say, it was an eye-opening experience for me and helped me to (re)learn never judge a book by its cover.

 

That's what I mean by not being so self-centered.

 

You're missing out on life if you always just focus on you and your own needs.

 

Did I want to stay home on that Saturday afternoon and play an RPG instead? You betcha! But I knew games could wait, and the RPG would always be available later when I got home. So I volunteered, learned a great life lesson, added to my life experience, and now that's just ONE MORE life story I can tell people. People like hearing good stories. It's hard to be very interesting if you just lead a lonely life of video games and internet message boards. You gotta live life a little, man!

 

Go help out! Volunteer, sacrifice a little bit of your time (which is probably spent playing games and surfing the net) and do some good. As my grand daddy always used to tell me, "Wanna feel better? Then go and make someone else's day, and see how you feel."

 

My grand daddy was a smart man, God rest his soul. He was right.

 

 

And how long does it take for a girl to find out?

 

I emailed this to Beth and will copy and paste her reply later tonight perhaps? She'll be able to give you a better answer on this front. In the meantime, think about volunteering. If you've done it in the past, great. I urge you to try it again. It might help you to get out of your own head for a couple hours, which doesn't look like a bad thing to me.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Meeks7

[Mme. Chaucer]

And what makes you think I have a complete disregard for everyone else?

 

The stuff you post here. Often.

 

 

 

No girl that I have ever spent time with has guessed that I was a loner. When the topic of friends ever came up, they just assumed the people they've seen me talking to were my friends. Frankly, her friends or mine, is a topic that rarely has come up with any of the girls I've known.

 

SD, this is just plain sad. People really, truly do know about their friends' social lives. If nobody ever "guessed" that you were a loner, nobody ever knew you. And if they did not know you … they were never your friend. And if you did not let yourself be known by them, you were never their friend.

 

You'd be smart to just take my word for this, though of course you will not. And thus, voila! You can stay just exactly in the same spot you are right now, forever.

 

And what needs am I ignorant of?

 

So, are you mainly trolling for attention here? This topic has been covered eternally on many, many threads. I'm sure you can go back and get re-educated about how the way you chose to interact with other people, especially women ("objects," you referred to them recently) reveals your ignorance and frank disinterest in any needs they might have. Or characteristics, for that matter, except for a short list of physical ones. All the "objects" are interchangeable to you, as long as they have the requirements.

 

SD - most people would hate to be viewed like that, even though evidently you would not mind.

[somedude81]

Actually, maintaining friendships do have a MAJOR affect on attraction. It's just not direct, per se. It's moreso maintaining friendships mean you have the ability to make time for other people, care for them, share with them. If you can't do this, then how in the world do you expect to ever land a girlfiend??

 

It's not direct, but it affects each other indirectly. There is no way getting around this. To believe that the two are not connected WHATSOEVER is foolish.

And what makes you think I can't do those things?

The red flag is your girlfriend experience track record living the kind of lifestyle and THINKING the way you think.

Can you explain your previous point about the red flag?

 

Yes I know that me never having had a girlfriend is a red flag, but you meant more than that right?

 

 

Like someone else said, try not being so self-centered all the time. Volunteer. Help out a soup kitchen.

That's what I mean by not being so self-centered.

 

You're missing out on life if you always just focus on you and your own needs.

So now you're telling me that I need to start volunteering to get a GF? And that's why people have called me self-centered because I haven't said anything about volunteering? Oh brother....

 

What about the millions of guys who are in a relationship and never volunteered at all? Or about the guys who do volunteer but still have trouble with women?

 

Sorry, I'm not foolish enough to believe that volunteering is going to make women want to date me, just because I did it. Sure it might get me a point or two if she really cares about that sort of stuff, but nothing more than that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am vehemently not a fan of making fake diagnoses here on LS, but the more familiar I get with you and how your mind works, SD, the more I feel like you might have some degree or type of Autism spectrum disorder.

 

There are plenty of people who have handled such a thing, but part of that includes learning social things that the general population has picked up on without even thinking about it.

 

And to do that, you'd have to acknowledge to yourself that you have a need to do so, and that you would benefit from it.

 

Not to continue with this ostrich like stance of yours: "what I don't know I don't know can't possibly make any difference to me, and besides, the world is not fair."

[jobaba]

Like someone else said, try not being so self-centered all the time. Volunteer. Help out a soup kitchen. Visit the homeless shelter and volunteer your time to just sit down and talk with the people there. It gives you a different perspective on life. For example, once in a while I visit the homeless shelter to wash homeless people's feet. I know the very thought grosses out a lot of people but of course you wear gloves and it's quite safe. Just requires a little bit of SACRIFICE and stepping out of one's comfort zone.

 

Anyway, as you wash their feet they tell you their life story. It's pretty eye-opening, and totally gives you a different shade on life. You realize a lot of these people are just like you and me, except they made some poor choices along the way.

 

One guy I'll never forget. He introduced himself as Bruce Wayne, and called himself THE Batman. Inside, I chuckled. I thought "Oh boy, I got a crazy one here..." but as I washed his feet and we talked, I came to find out he was a very normal and intelligent guy. Crazy, but intelligent. Finally, after I finished washing his feet he thanked me and left. A minute later he came back.

 

"Did you forget something?" I asked.

"I came back to show you this," he replied.

 

He whipped out his ID card and there it was.

 

BRUCE WAYNE.

 

His name really was Bruce Wayne.

 

SON OF A GUN!

 

He wasn't lying after all.

 

I just smiled at him and he winked. After he left I spoke with the coordinator of the homeless shelter and she told me Bruce uses the Batman persona as a way to cope with his being homeless. Needless to say, it was an eye-opening experience for me and helped me to (re)learn never judge a book by its cover.

 

That's what I mean by not being so self-centered.

 

You're missing out on life if you always just focus on you and your own needs.

 

Did I want to stay home on that Saturday afternoon and play an RPG instead? You betcha! But I knew games could wait, and the RPG would always be available later when I got home. So I volunteered, learned a great life lesson, added to my life experience, and now that's just ONE MORE life story I can tell people. People like hearing good stories. It's hard to be very interesting if you just lead a lonely life of video games and internet message boards. You gotta live life a little, man!

 

Go help out! Volunteer, sacrifice a little bit of your time (which is probably spent playing games and surfing the net) and do some good. As my grand daddy always used to tell me, "Wanna feel better? Then go and make someone else's day, and see how you feel."

 

My grand daddy was a smart man, God rest his soul. He was right.

 

 

 

 

I emailed this to Beth and will copy and paste her reply later tonight perhaps? She'll be able to give you a better answer on this front. In the meantime, think about volunteering. If you've done it in the past, great. I urge you to try it again. It might help you to get out of your own head for a couple hours, which doesn't look like a bad thing to me.

 

Haha. That's an awesome story. At the kitchen I used to go to, I often see kids in their teens and young 20s messed up on drugs. That'll make you think your women problems are nothing to be sure.

 

Big Brothers and tutoring is another option although I'm not so sure how SD would be with kids!

[Mme. Chaucer]

So now you're telling me that I need to start volunteering to get a GF?

 

No, dude, he is saying exactly what everyone says all the time. You NEED to stop being 100% self centered in order to be palatable (or even likable) to other human beings. Once you get there, then MAYBE, just maybe you will "get a girlfriend." Maybe not. Anyway, volunteering could help with that, plus, give you a good feeling for helping others AND actually making yourself useful.

 

Oh brother….

 

I second that. A lot.

 

What about the millions of guys who are in a relationship and never volunteered at all? Or about the guys who do volunteer but still have trouble with women?

 

Sorry, I'm not foolish enough to believe that volunteering is going to make women want to date me, just because I did it. Sure it might get me a point or two if she really cares about that sort of stuff, but nothing more than that.

 

You're right. Being of service to others does not guarantee that you'll "GET" a damn thing. It just adds to your life, helps other people, and that kind of stuff … that you don't care about.

[jobaba]

So now you're telling me that I need to start volunteering to get a GF? And that's why people have called me self-centered because I haven't said anything about volunteering? Oh brother....

 

What about the millions of guys who are in a relationship and never volunteered at all? Or about the guys who do volunteer but still have trouble with women?

 

Sorry, I'm not foolish enough to believe that volunteering is going to make women want to date me, just because I did it. Sure it might get me a point or two if she really cares about that sort of stuff, but nothing more than that.

 

Can't argue with you there. Because I do that, and I've always had trouble with women.

 

He's just trying to get you off the computer and out into the world. And it seems like 90% of the people who volunteer for crap are women. Sometimes when I used to go, it's like me and like 10 women. So ... do it just for that.

[Cracker Jack]

I don't see why you're so against what Meeks is suggesting. The volunteering suggestion was simply an idea for you to actually start having an active life, since you're obviously lacking one right now. Seeing as how you decided to hone in on that and start focusing on how it will/won't play a part in you finding a girlfriend, it's clear you've missed the point of his post.

 

You're really stuck inside of an endless cycle of asking questions and doing nothing else. The fact that you question every single thing people bring up almost implies you're not willing to change your own situation one bit--unless it's your way, which has never did you any good to begin with.

[ThaWholigan]

I am vehemently not a fan of making fake diagnoses here on LS, but the more familiar I get with you and how your mind works, SD, the more I feel like you might have some degree or type of Autism spectrum disorder.

 

There are plenty of people who have handled such a thing, but part of that includes learning social things that the general population has picked up on without even thinking about it.

 

And to do that, you'd have to acknowledge to yourself that you have a need to do so, and that you would benefit from it.

 

Not to continue with this ostrich like stance of yours: "what I don't know I don't know can't possibly make any difference to me, and besides, the world is not fair."

ASDs tend to come with certain physical components as well as cognitive - I don't think SD has any of those problems, his are mainly social and psychological.

[somedude81]

The stuff you post here. Often.

Do you really think that saying something like that can help me at all?

 

SD, this is just plain sad. People really, truly do know about their friends' social lives. If nobody ever "guessed" that you were a loner, nobody ever knew you. And if they did not know you … they were never your friend. And if you did not let yourself be known by them, you were never their friend.

I have never thought about it that way. I guess if somebody was a true friend or not, was never a concern of mine. It was simply good enough that I had somebody to spend time with as well as having interpersonal communication.

 

 

 

So, are you mainly trolling for attention here? This topic has been covered eternally on many, many threads. I'm sure you can go back and get re-educated about how the way you chose to interact with other people, especially women ("objects," you referred to them recently) reveals your ignorance and frank disinterest in any needs they might have. Or characteristics, for that matter, except for a short list of physical ones. All the "objects" are interchangeable to you, as long as they have the requirements.

No I do not know what needs women have. But tell me, how and why I should know them? Yes I am ignorant, but that is to be expected of a man in my situation. Or do you expect something different? How does my interaction with women show that I disregard their needs?

 

How does any of that have any relevancy to me being unable to get a GF?

 

Yes women are somewhat interchangeable to me but how is not that way for everybody else? Also I have been told time and time again that it is foolish to get invested in a woman before I get into a relationship with her, that basically says that I should not believe that any individual woman is special. That the only course I of action I should have is to play the numbers game. In which every girl is interchangeable, each one is just a generic girl and that I have to keep asking out random girls till I find one who says yes.

 

But I've also said many times that, that is not how I wanted to do things. I prefer to get to know a girl first, find out who she is, and if we are compatible, then start going out on dates. Sadly, that is not how things are done.

[somedude81]

No, dude, he is saying exactly what everyone says all the time. You NEED to stop being 100% self centered in order to be palatable (or even likable) to other human beings.

Please tell me how I am more self-centered than any other human.

[ThaWholigan]

No, dude, he is saying exactly what everyone says all the time. You NEED to stop being 100% self centered in order to be palatable (or even likable) to other human beings. Once you get there, then MAYBE, just maybe you will "get a girlfriend." Maybe not. Anyway, volunteering could help with that, plus, give you a good feeling for helping others AND actually making yourself useful.

 

 

You're right. Being of service to others does not guarantee that you'll "GET" a damn thing. It just adds to your life, helps other people, and that kind of stuff … that you don't care about.

 

Zengirl makes reference to this a lot when she posts to somedude, that he thinks on a transactional basis - "if I do this, then this happens". I used to call people like that button bashers. Thinking like an old school gamer, press A and B together plus up, down and left and then you get this!

 

He's looking for ways to get the ONE thing he wants (to get a woman he likes to date and have a girlfriend), and he wants to get there in the quickest way. Without doing all the other stuff that people do. Sure, a loner can get a girlfriend, but he has ways of compensating for his lonerdom most likely - he may have a good job, or he works out, or he has personal ambitions of some kind that make him more attractive even if he has friends. Or it's likely that he won't get that girl, despite all that because he's a loner! You can't be a loner with no personal ambition except the one ambition you have is to have a girlfriend. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

Can't argue with you there. Because I do that, and I've always had trouble with women.

 

He's just trying to get you off the computer and out into the world. And it seems like 90% of the people who volunteer for crap are women. Sometimes when I used to go, it's like me and like 10 women. So ... do it just for that.

 

At least you're out there though. I'm likely to assume that you have other ambitions in your life other than having a girlfriend right?

 

You're really stuck inside of an endless cycle of asking questions and doing nothing else. The fact that you question every single thing people bring up almost implies you're not willing to change your own situation one bit--unless it's your way, which has never did you any good to begin with.

 

He doesn't have a way - he wants the quickest route and nobody can give him a quick route because it doesn't exist.

[ThaWholigan]

But I've also said many times that, that is not how I wanted to do things. I prefer to get to know a girl first, find out who she is, and if we are compatible, then start going out on dates. Sadly, that is not how things are done.

 

And what is the best way to get to know a girl first before going on dates?

 

Yep you guessed it.....

 

BUILDING A SOCIAL CIRCLE.

[Badsingularity]

Please tell me how I am more self-centered than any other human.

 

 

One way?

 

You have the attitude that you are always right even though all evidence says otherwise and that everyone else is always wrong even though all evidence says otherwise.

 

You dismiss advice from men who have wives and girlfriends and tell them that you are right and they are wrong on a regular basis.

[Mme. Chaucer]

CIRCLE.

 

It is all very circuitous, isn't it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Please tell me how I am more self-centered than any other human.

 

If you would like to know, re-read many of your posts here. They are filled with evidence.

 

How you stack up in the self - centered department compared to the rest of humanity is not really key to know, though. Bottom line is:

 

YOUR specific self centeredness is a big road block to you CHANGING.

 

And your resistance to changing a darn thing is what is the absolute road block to you "getting" a girlfriend.

[ThaWholigan]

It is all very circuitous, isn't it.

Ugh, isn't it just.......

[somedude81]

And what is the best way to get to know a girl first before going on dates?

 

Yep you guessed it.....

 

BUILDING A SOCIAL CIRCLE.

So that's better than talking to her and spending time with her one-on-one? Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

One way?

 

You have the attitude that you are always right even though all evidence says otherwise and that everyone else is always wrong even though all evidence says otherwise.

 

You dismiss advice from men who have wives and girlfriends and tell them that you are right and they are wrong on a regular basis.

As if. If I was always right, then I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I know that I really don't have a clue what I"m doing. But I'm smart enough to rule out suggestions like volunteering. Do you have any examples where I've said that other people are wrong?

If you would like to know, re-read many of your posts here. They are filled with evidence.

 

How you stack up in the self - centered department compared to the rest of humanity is not really key to know, though. Bottom line is:

 

YOUR specific self centeredness is a big road block to you CHANGING.

 

And your resistance to changing a darn thing is what is the absolute road block to you "getting" a girlfriend.

Telling me to read over my old posts to explain why I'm self-centered is an example of absolutely useless advice.

[jobaba]

Please tell me how I am more self-centered than any other human.

 

Since being blunt is my god given gift (online at least)...

 

I know what you are trying to say. That people who are bastards/bitches and have no true friends and are self centered have no problems getting lovers.

 

And it is true.

 

Those guys are better looking, or taller than you, or they hit on more women than you.

 

That is life. You can't compare yourself to others. You need to see where you stand and attack it from that angle.

[somedude81]

Since being blunt is my god given gift (online at least)...

 

I know what you are trying to say. That people who are bastards/bitches and have no true friends and are self centered have no problems getting lovers.

 

And it is true.

 

Those guys are better looking, or taller than you, or they hit on more women than you.

 

That is life. You can't compare yourself to others. You need to see where you stand and attack it from that angle.

That too, but mainly I want to know if people can actually back up their personal attacks. Maybe their right and I am self-centered and I can change something. Or most likely they are talking out their ass and calling me self-centered is the just the new pick on SD thing. We shall see.

[ThaWholigan]

So that's better than talking to her and spending time with her one-on-one? Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

 

It will be easier to get women to spend time with you one on one if you have already engaged with them socially. This is a direct causation of having a social circle. The majority of the girls I've met are through friends. University helped, but the bulk of my college circle came to Uni with me so I had friends when I got there. I've met girls on the internet, but I only met them because I was recommended to them by friends. I've met girls of my own accord, but these aren't regular occurrences.

 

Volunteering can help you build a social circle. Joining activities, picking up new hobbies.....there are a variety of ways to do this.

[Badsingularity]

So that's better than talking to her and spending time with her one-on-one? Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

 

As if. If I was always right, then I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I know that I really don't have a clue what I"m doing. But I'm smart enough to rule out suggestions like volunteering. Do you have any examples where I've said that other people are wrong?

 

Telling me to read over my old posts to explain why I'm self-centered is an example of absolutely useless advice.

 

LOL you just did it!

 

"absolutely useless advice"

 

It is easy to see this about you when you read over your old posts.

 

Also you regularly tell people " I don't buy that" "I don't believe that" "I don't think" all arguing against good advice.

 

"that has nothing to do with" Including telling people their advice is "useless" or "BS" or saying "yawn" when someone gives you advice you don't like or an answer you don't like.

 

You also regularly ignore good advice.