Mme. Chaucer Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Do you have any examples where I've said that other people are wrong? 1) But I'm smart enough to rule out suggestions like volunteering. 2) Telling me to read over my old posts to explain why I'm self-centered is an example of absolutely useless advice. There are two right in the same post where you ask for examples! Dude, you're the one who asked for examples of how you are self centered. Why do I need to go seek them out for you? You have the same access to all your old posts / threads as I do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meeks7 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 So now you're telling me that I need to start volunteering to get a GF? And that's why people have called me self-centered because I haven't said anything about volunteering? Oh brother.... What about the millions of guys who are in a relationship and never volunteered at all? Or about the guys who do volunteer but still have trouble with women? Sorry, I'm not foolish enough to believe that volunteering is going to make women want to date me, just because I did it. Sure it might get me a point or two if she really cares about that sort of stuff, but nothing more than that. Yikes. You completely missed my point. The fact that you missed such an obvious point shows me JUST HOW FIXATED you are on making every little thing about "Does doing X help me get a GF?" ITS NOT TRANSACTIONAL LIKE THAT. You gotta start somewhere. I'd start by getting out of the house, turning off the computer, putting down the controller and connecting with my fellow man in real life. You say it's tough to socialize... that's why you go volunteering. Homeless people love talking to those who help them. It guarantees you some social interaction (which we all desperately need, some moreso than others) and you'd be helping out others. Does it guarantee you a girlfriend? Of course not. But as I said, indirectly it DOES help. How? By making you into a more well-rounded, compassionate person. I know one thing: what you're doing now hasn't helped. Why not try something different? Take the focus off you, and serve in a soup kitchen or something. No, dude, he is saying exactly what everyone says all the time. You NEED to stop being 100% self centered in order to be palatable (or even likable) to other human beings. Once you get there, then MAYBE, just maybe you will "get a girlfriend." Maybe not. Anyway, volunteering could help with that, plus, give you a good feeling for helping others AND actually making yourself useful. Exactly. Sadly, SomeDude missed the point. It's amazing how a person can be so self-absorbed and focused on one thing that they completely miss the pink elephant in the room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 It will be easier to get women to spend time with you one on one if you have already engaged with them socially. This is a direct causation of having a social circle. The majority of the girls I've met are through friends. University helped, but the bulk of my college circle came to Uni with me so I had friends when I got there. I've met girls on the internet, but I only met them because I was recommended to them by friends. I've met girls of my own accord, but these aren't regular occurrences. Volunteering can help you build a social circle. Joining activities, picking up new hobbies.....there are a variety of ways to do this. Sorry, I wasn't clear. I mean to say that the primary way I have been getting to know girls is through spending time alone with them. But for some reason, nothing ever happened with those girls. So I'm wondering if getting to know them in a group environment would have been more fruitful. LOL you just did it! "absolutely useless advice" It is easy to see this about you when you read over your old posts. Also you regularly tell people " I don't buy that" "I don't believe that" "I don't think" all arguing against good advice. "that has nothing to do with" Including telling people their advice is "useless" or "BS" or saying "yawn" when someone gives you advice you don't like or an answer you don't like. You also regularly ignore good advice. As of this posting I have 7,751 posts. How the hell can, "look at your old posts" be considered anything other than horrible advice? It's a cop out. Back to what I said before, do you have any examples of good advice that I ignored? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Exactly. Sadly, SomeDude missed the point. It's amazing how a person can be so self-absorbed and focused on one thing that they completely miss the pink elephant in the room. And then go on to boast that they are "smart enough" to see the folly in the idea of volunteering. Aargh. Link to post Share on other sites
marinelife3 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Maybe people are saying you're self centered because a lot of people on this forum spend a lot of time giving you suggestions for different stuff you can try, and you brush it off or dismiss it Here's an example of the kind of thing that happens: Random poster: hey some dude, why don't you try online dating? Some dude responds: at 5'6, my chances of success in online dating are virtually nil. Moreover, a new semester is starting. I'm going to focus on picking up girls in my classes. Here's what people want to see happen: Random poster: try online dating Some dude responds: alright, thanks for the suggestion. I made a profile, but it's not getting many responses. Can you guys read it and tell me what's wrong? See the difference. Also, I know I've said this before, but you are unusual in the respect that most guys will move heaven and earth to get laid. The fact that there are huge swathes of the social world that you just refuse to get involved with (bars, parties, Internet, volunteering) is sort of mind boggling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Badsingularity Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Back to what I said before, do you have any examples of good advice that I ignored? There has been A LOT. but for example. Everyone of my posts made to you that you ignored. Link to post Share on other sites
Meeks7 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 LOL you just did it! "absolutely useless advice" It is easy to see this about you when you read over your old posts. Also you regularly tell people " I don't buy that" "I don't believe that" "I don't think" all arguing against good advice. "that has nothing to do with" Including telling people their advice is "useless" or "BS" or saying "yawn" when someone gives you advice you don't like or an answer you don't like. You also regularly ignore good advice. Yes, I've been noticing this about SomeDude. It's rude and disrespectful to people who are actually trying to help him. Maybe he disagrees with certain posts, but there's no need to go "Yawn" or "BS" or "Useless." There are more tactful ways of answering a post. He just seems to lack a sense of social awareness. And if he lacks it online, you can bet he lacks it in real life. By the way, does anyone else find it ironic he's asking people to find out examples of where he is displaying traits of self-centeredness? Think about it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Meeks7 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Maybe people are saying you're self centered because a lot of people on this forum spend a lot of time giving you suggestions for different stuff you can try, and you brush it off or dismiss it Here's an example of the kind of thing that happens: Random poster: hey some dude, why don't you try online dating? Some dude responds: at 5'6, my chances of success in online dating are virtually nil. Moreover, a new semester is starting. I'm going to focus on picking up girls in my classes. Here's what people want to see happen: Random poster: try online dating Some dude responds: alright, thanks for the suggestion. I made a profile, but it's not getting many responses. Can you guys read it and tell me what's wrong? See the difference. Beautiful reply! Yes, and therein lies the key difference. you are unusual in the respect that most guys will move heaven and earth to get laid. The fact that there are huge swathes of the social world that you just refuse to get involved with (bars, parties, Internet, volunteering) is sort of mind boggling. Unfortunately, people's fear of their "dream" actually happening (and the hard work that goes along with it) sometimes >>> their actual desire to see it come true. SomeDude reminds me of the guy claiming he wants a full time job, but has only sent out 2 resumes (haphazardly) while watching movies and playing video games 24/7, claiming "Hey I tried!" As opposed to the guy who claims he wants to work full time, and then goes out and sends a 100 resumes, even out of state, and fills his free time reading books on his profession, networking with colleagues, attending workshops, etc. You have two people claiming they want the same thing (i.e. full time job) But in the end, you really only have one person acting out what they claim they want. The other person is just blowing hot air and too scared to change their lot in life. They would rather just play video games and surf the net, blaming the economy and what have you. SomeDude needs to be the guy sending out 100 resumes, but there's something deep within him that blocks him from doing just that. Frankly, I see a guy who simply inflicts self-sabotage (subconsciously). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 The fact that you missed such an obvious point shows me JUST HOW FIXATED you are on making every little thing about "Does doing X help me get a GF?" ITS NOT TRANSACTIONAL LIKE THAT. This is the entire issue we are having here. Somedude doesn't want to have to deal with any of the other stuff, he doesn't want it. He isn't really bothered about any personal successes in his life or ambitions or personal goals or anything else that would make his life fruitful. The ONLY thing he wants in this life, at all, is a girlfriend. And that's it. Sorry, I wasn't clear. I mean to say that the primary way I have been getting to know girls is through spending time alone with them. But for some reason, nothing ever happened with those girls. So I'm wondering if getting to know them in a group environment would have been more fruitful. Possibly lack of social proof & overall awareness. Not knowing how to escalate physically and verbally. Not comfortable. Other more personal factors I won't go into. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 You realise we're doing the same thing we always do? We give our advice, somedude resists, we pile on more advice on top of more advice on top of more advice until it just gets confusing, we get frustrated, and then somedude thinks we're picking on him, the end. Then rinse, repeat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Maybe people are saying you're self centered because a lot of people on this forum spend a lot of time giving you suggestions for different stuff you can try, and you brush it off or dismiss it Here's an example of the kind of thing that happens: Random poster: hey some dude, why don't you try online dating? Some dude responds: at 5'6, my chances of success in online dating are virtually nil. Moreover, a new semester is starting. I'm going to focus on picking up girls in my classes. Here's what people want to see happen: Random poster: try online dating Some dude responds: alright, thanks for the suggestion. I made a profile, but it's not getting many responses. Can you guys read it and tell me what's wrong? I would try online dating if I felt it had any chance of working for me. I've read many things about it to know that it would be stupid to expect anything from it. BTW, I do have a profile on OKC. It's half finished and I've never messaged anybody, of course I've never received a message either. See the difference. Also, I know I've said this before, but you are unusual in the respect that most guys will move heaven and earth to get laid. The fact that there are huge swathes of the social world that you just refuse to get involved with (bars, parties, Internet, volunteering) is sort of mind boggling. My main goal isn't just to get laid. I want a real relationship. Am I going to meet a relationship minded girl at a bar or dance club? In the past I have tried going to bars and clubs to meet girls, and it's never worked. I have nothing against parties. And I am aware that by not having a social circle I am missing out parties, which are a potential way to meet girls. Also I have gone to a handful of parties where alcohol and girls were present but I didn't have a clue on how to make anything happen. There has been A LOT. but for example. Everyone of my posts made to you that you ignored. Well I'm not ignoring this one. OK, I'm being an ass. I'll have to look over some of your past posts that were addressed to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Possibly lack of social proof & overall awareness. Not knowing how to escalate physically and verbally. Not comfortable. Other more personal factors I won't go into. That's why I made this thread. That's what I need to work on! So much of this thread is wasted on nonsense, when the entire problem is how I interact with women and the things I do and don't do. Also thanks for the PM, I'm going to look over the stuff later. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 That's why I made this thread. That's what I need to work on! So much of this thread is wasted on nonsense, when the entire problem is how I interact with women and the things I do and don't do. Also thanks for the PM, I'm going to look over the stuff later. None of that is going to matter if you can barely get yourself into an adequate position to meet girls. You're actually doing things backwards . No worries though, please look at the stuff I sent you, it's actually imperative for you. But you understand that you're going to need other things in your life to supplement your ultimate goal of "Girlfriend". Link to post Share on other sites
marinelife3 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 My main goal isn't just to get laid. I want a real relationship. In this day and age, relationships often start with sex. Anyway, isn't the cliche that the girl has casual sex hoping it'll turn into a relationship, but the guy just wants to hook up? I don't think you should be concerned that a girl will just use you for a hookup and you won't be able to parlay it into a relationship if you want one. Here's another thing I said before, which you ignored because part of why everyone on this board wants to throttle you is that you always ignore their best points: It's silly of you to say that you won't try to pick up random girls because you want to get to know them as a person and make sure they are a suitable partner first. Maybe for a different person that would make sense, but not for you, since you are so lonely. Most people are inherently lovable in some way or another, and I swear, swear, swear that if any girl shows you some physical and emotional affection, you will fall hopelessly in love with her immediately and whatever problems you might have with her personality will become totally irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 That's why I made this thread. That's what I need to work on! So much of this thread is wasted on nonsense, when the entire problem is how I interact with women and the things I do and don't do. There you go again. It's not "nonsense" if it helped even one person. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 There you go again. It's not "nonsense" if it helped even one person. Escalation is what he wants to learn. He's got the being able to talk to girls one-on-one part just about half decent enough, now he wants to be able to get to the part where he makes them want to date him (i.e. escalating, seduction etc). These are the parts being skipped. 1) Having enough friends and social life to be able to meet more girls organically and get to know them 2) Refining his advanced social skills to the point where he is able to develop enough charisma to attract the kind of women he wants 3) Developing himself to want more from life than just a girlfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bristolius Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Somedude wrote: Back to what I said before, do you have any examples of good advice that I ignored? This from me earlier in this thread: Learned helplessness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Ignoring this one would be ironic: Confirmation bias - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Link to post Share on other sites
marinelife3 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Ok, and another thing, you have this tendency to respond to abstract things that people say in a totally concrete way. For example, I gave you that little vignette about online dating as a demonstration of the way in which you act self-centered on this board. It wasn't "about" online dating, it was an example of a larger trend in the way you respond to people on this board. For you to answer me with excuses about online dating shows that you completely missed the point of what I was saying. An appropriate response to what I was saying would have been "I don't believe it qualifies as self centered when I respond to people that way", or something like that. This could relate to your dating issues, since so much of connecting with people romantically takes place on the abstract level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) In this day and age, relationships often start with sex. Anyway, isn't the cliche that the girl has casual sex hoping it'll turn into a relationship, but the guy just wants to hook up? I don't think you should be concerned that a girl will just use you for a hookup and you won't be able to parlay it into a relationship if you want one. Here's another thing I said before, which you ignored because part of why everyone on this board wants to throttle you is that you always ignore their best points: It's silly of you to say that you won't try to pick up random girls because you want to get to know them as a person and make sure they are a suitable partner first. Maybe for a different person that would make sense, but not for you, since you are so lonely. Most people are inherently lovable in some way or another, and I swear, swear, swear that if any girl shows you some physical and emotional affection, you will fall hopelessly in love with her immediately and whatever problems you might have with her personality will become totally irrelevant. Hmm, so I'm doing things backwards. I should be trying to get sex first and then just let the girl take care of the relationship stuff? If that's how the world works now, then I need to change. And it does explain why I've had no luck trying to get a relationship first and never tried to push sex. Yeah I guess it's time to put aside the fantasy of having a girlfriend that likes the same things I do and that I have things in common with. Yeah it was stupid to want my girlfirend to be my best friend as well OK, I need to work on shifting my priorities to sex first. It's not ideal, but if it works, it's a hell of a lot better than being alone. Edited June 12, 2012 by somedude81 Link to post Share on other sites
marinelife3 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Yeah, Well you will probably piss off people on this board if you say "I'm looking for sex", because that sounds like you want to use people. You don't want to use people, obviously you want a girlfriend and if you get your hands on one you'll treat her like gold. How about saying, you are open to whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Sure, I'm open to whatever. But am I right that I've been doing things wrong by not trying to have sex right away? That going for a relationship was the wrong way? Now I'm trying to think of how I can change my approach to be more 'whatever' oriented. Of course the hardest part is changing what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
marinelife3 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 You don't need to change what you want! But for real, I think most non religious people today start having sex before they have a "boyfriend girlfriend" talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Meeks7 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 I want a real relationship. Of course. But your social awareness/skills are lacking. You're going to have to improve them before you have a "real relationship." How do you plan to improve your social awareness/skills? Or do you not plan to? That's why I made this thread. That's what I need to work on! You've said this, it seems, for the last year. You keep saying it. What are you ACTUALLY DOING about it? It doesn't help if all you do is say "I need to work on it" but you never actually do. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Of course. But your social awareness/skills are lacking. You're going to have to improve them before you have a "real relationship." How do you plan to improve your social awareness/skills? Or do you not plan to? I think the plan is "learn on the job"..... You've said this, it seems, for the last year. You keep saying it. What are you ACTUALLY DOING about it? It doesn't help if all you do is say "I need to work on it" but you never actually do. The thing is, if you clock the entire conversations, you'll know that what is wanted is a complete step-by-step process of how to seduce and escalate, what to say etc. Obviously, we cannot do this, but he still wants more specific detail on how to do this. Which is why I PM'd him some stuff that would probably help him. A lot of it is still to do with social stuff, but if he wants to know how to seduce and learn to do it organically, he should download it. I hope he does anyway..... Link to post Share on other sites
rubberduck Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 You sound very like my husband was. He was in pretty much the same situation as you.. he'd had a couple of flings but it was nothing more than that, then I came along as a friend and was his support while he was going through a bad time. I didn't initially find him that attractive. But spending time with him and being there for him as his best friend gradually led us to the relationship we have today, and I'm sure you will find this too. Don't change your approach to sex, I think it's great how it is and I'm sure you'll find someone perfect for you soon x Link to post Share on other sites
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