How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[zengirl]

So let me get this straight, if somebody calls me self-centered, I'm simply not allowed to ask why they say I am, because if I do ask it means I'm self-centered?

 

How is that different from

 

You're stupid!

Why am I stupid?

You're stupid because you asked!

--------

 

Anyways, now to the longer posts.

 

You didn't ask why we thought you were self-centered --- you asked HOW that made you any more self-centered than anyone else. THAT is a very different question.

[Meeks7]

Fear of the dream, that actually does make sense. And it is a big reason why I'm not trying as hard as I should be. Truth be told, I don't want to have sex with just anybody. I also have little interest in meeting new girls and trying to get them to like me, which does feel completely hopeless. Yes I want a girlfriend but not with just anybody either. I want Danielle. I have for for the past two years. And when things went bad with her (our friendship, we never dated or hooked up) back in November, my spirit was basically broken. It's hard for me to imagine meeting a girl that is as good as a match. She has been on my mind 24/7 since about March of 2010.

 

Still I have asked out other girls since then and nothing's ever come of it. Right now I'm just tired and I don't really want to take the time to get to know anybody and risk falling for them. If I meet a girl and think she has possibility, I'll talk to and joke with her a bit and ask her out, and of course she always says no. Which of course only discourages me.

 

Long story short, I don't have the energy to send out 100 resumes. And when I don't know how to even get a job and simply doubt myself completely, it makes trying all that much harder.

 

 

Thanks for your honesty and sharing here. Now we're getting somewhere.

 

I was expecting you to defend yourself and say something like "But I have been trying! I have sent out 100 resumes!"

 

Your answer is a pleasant surprise. At least you are admitting that the fear of the dream is a possibility. You haven't disregarded that notion, and quite frankly, because I've been there, I know what you're going through.

 

A lot of people in the history of this world could have achieved their potential. But because of crippling fear, they never step out of the boat. That is you right now I surmise. That was me a while back. The only way to get out of the boat is to seek help. Sometimes it's so daunting you simply can't do it alone. So when I was in your same exact boat years ago, I reached out to my cousin who sort of then became my life coach. He encouraged me weekly (we would have a 30 minute phone conversion every Sunday night reviewing what I did during the week, and what steps I plan to take the next week).

 

Next, I stepped out of my comfort zone and started meeting people. Making friends. Learning how to become a good friend. I met Roger, who eventually led me to Beth.

 

But before Beth, I had to go on this self-discovery trip. But the irony is, you can't discover yourself alone. You gotta reach out, get some help, and then work diligently on moving toward constant self-improvement.

 

Humans were not meant to be alone. We're social creatures. Whether you want to admit it or not, staying isolated throughout your late 20s and now early 30s is not a healthy lifestyle. It simply is not.

 

So please take a look at Beth's link for SOCAL single meet ups. Commit yourself to attending one (or two), and then JUST GO TO IT. Show up and see what happens.

 

You might surprise yourself.

 

I know one thing: it's a lot better than staying at home alone on yet another Friday night surfing message boards, playing games and watching a movie on Netflix at midnight all by yourself.

 

Put yourself out there! It's the only way to get out of the boat.

 

Otherwise, you'll remain chained to your slowly-but-surely sinking boat.

Beth and I are rooting for you. YOU CAN DO IT.

[ThaWholigan]

.....I've changed my mind.

 

Meeks post was the tone I should have gone for. Either way, download the stuff I sent, and take Meeks' advice.

Edited June 13, 2012 by ThaWholigan
too harsh

[jobaba]

Fear of the dream, that actually does make sense. And it is a big reason why I'm not trying as hard as I should be. Truth be told, I don't want to have sex with just anybody. I also have little interest in meeting new girls and trying to get them to like me, which does feel completely hopeless. Yes I want a girlfriend but not with just anybody either. I want Danielle. I have for for the past two years. And when things went bad with her (our friendship, we never dated or hooked up) back in November, my spirit was basically broken. It's hard for me to imagine meeting a girl that is as good as a match. She has been on my mind 24/7 since about March of 2010.

 

Still I have asked out other girls since then and nothing's ever come of it. Right now I'm just tired and I don't really want to take the time to get to know anybody and risk falling for them. If I meet a girl and think she has possibility, I'll talk to and joke with her a bit and ask her out, and of course she always says no. Which of course only discourages me.

 

Long story short, I don't have the energy to send out 100 resumes. And when I don't know how to even get a job and simply doubt myself completely, it makes trying all that much harder.

 

Dude. Hate to do this to you, I like you, but...

 

You are a pussy, man. Girls don't want a guy who is a pussy. They already have one, they don't need another.

 

If and when you get a date finally (and I have no doubt you will), you need show a little more balls and self confidence to have any chance to succeed on that date. Mark my words.

 

Life is tough. You can't be timid and sensitive and just expect things to work out.

 

Just like all the women who do online dating and complain about all of the losers they keep getting dates with. They are not doing anything to improve themselves and their appeal to the men they really want or directly approaching those men in real life. Some do, but a lot don't.

 

They whine just like you and I. It's just a different kind of whine, but the same.

 

GROW SOME BALLS MAN!!!

[Meeks7]

Jobaba, as hard as it may be, people need to refrain from putting down SomeDude or poking him with a stick. It is clear that he is down and out right now. What he needs is REALISTIC encouragement. Definitely not pat on the back "everything's gonna be OK, even if you don't change" hence my emphasis on REALISTIC but the other key word there is ENCOURAGEMENT. However, putting him down or calling him names is not going to help.

 

SomeDude, you yourself know you need to work on some things if your relationship status is to change one day.

 

As my cousin/life coached used to tell me. "You can do it, you have it deep within you, sometimes you just need someone to believe in you and tell you that you can."

 

Some people aren't as self-driven as others. From his posts, SomeDude is not a very self-driven individual. That's why change comes very slowly for him. The best thing for him to do is attend single meet ups, start to build some positive momentum and hopefully make a friendship or two. He's basically working his way up. If he wants to have a "real relationship" then he's going to have to first learn what a relationship amongst friends looks like.

 

That's how I did it, and that's how many people do it.

 

You just don't go from minimal social skills/awareness to girlfriend. I've never ever seen it happen.

 

All that is stopping him is him, and his fears.

 

But I'd encourage you Jobaba and everyone else, keep your words seasoned with kindness. It's clear he needs support in real life, but as an online group we don't need to be lashing out at him or screaming at him.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[jobaba]

Jobaba, as hard as it may be, people need to refrain from putting down SomeDude or poking him with a stick. It is clear that he is down and out right now. What he needs is REALISTIC encouragement. Definitely not pat on the back "everything's gonna be OK, even if you don't change" hence my emphasis on REALISTIC but the other key word there is ENCOURAGEMENT. However, putting him down or calling him names is not going to help.

 

SomeDude, you yourself know you need to work on some things if your relationship status is to change one day.

 

As my cousin/life coached used to tell me. "You can do it, you have it deep within you, sometimes you just need someone to believe in you and tell you that you can."

 

Some people aren't as self-driven as others. From his posts, SomeDude is not a very self-driven individual. That's why change comes very slowly for him. The best thing for him to do is attend single meet ups, start to build some positive momentum and hopefully make a friendship or two. He's basically working his way up. If he wants to have a "real relationship" then he's going to have to first learn what a relationship amongst friends looks like.

 

That's how I did it, and that's how many people do it.

 

You just don't go from minimal social skills/awareness to girlfriend. I've never ever seen it happen.

 

All that is stopping him is him, and his fears.

 

But I'd encourage you Jobaba and everyone else, keep your words seasoned with kindness. It's clear he needs support in real life, but as an online group we don't need to be lashing out at him or screaming at him.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Just trying to light a fire under his ass. The last time i was on one of these forums whining about how sad i was and how tough i have it some guy showed me how pathetic i sounded and he was right. I looked at my posts and they were pathetic, self wallowing and pitiful. Thats what gets me back up and at it.

 

Hopefully he will see it too. Self confidence..

 

Ive been where hes been. SD knows i love him.

[Meeks7]

Just trying to light a fire under his ass. The last time i was on one of these forums whining about how sad i was and how tough i have it some guy showed me how pathetic i sounded and he was right. I looked at my posts and they were pathetic, self wallowing and pitiful. Thats what gets me back up and at it.

 

Hopefully he will see it too. Self confidence..

 

Ive been where hes been. SD knows i love him.

 

 

No doubt, I completely understand your motive and what you were trying to do.

 

We all got love for SomeDude. We're all rooting for him. I believe we all believe in him. When I say believe, I'm not talking "I believe SomeDude will get a girlfriend in 2012" -- I mean it as in "I believe SomeDude can create healthy friendships, and continually become a better person in 2012."

 

Notice it's not about a girlfriend at this point, SomeDude. You don't catch flies (i.e. women) with vinegar (i.e. minimal social skills/awareness).

 

I know you're fixated on GF GF GF GF GF, but even you know deep down thinking that way hasn't helped you any. Maybe it's time to consider trying something different. I know it's hard, but the longer you wait, the harder it will get.

[somedude81]

Rooting for me?

 

I don't even know if I'm still in the game.

 

I truly do appreciate the help, support and advice.

 

But at this point. I just don't know if there really is a chance for me. I'm tired of this game and I see no reason to keep struggling for nothing. At this point, I think I'm just waiting for my life to completely fall apart. If I manage to get kicked out of college, that would be it for me. I wouldn't have any reason to go on.

[runner]

you have some deep intimacy issues that need to get checked out professionally. all the advice you're getting here won't make any sense to you if you don't work on that first. on an emotional level, you simply don't know how to get started; you can see the logistics, but it still doesn't make sense to you, hence remaining stuck.

 

even if not for the above, you need to see a therapist asap simply for your earlier suicide threats.

[utterer of lies]

But at this point. I just don't know if there really is a chance for me. I'm tired of this game and I see no reason to keep struggling for nothing. At this point, I think I'm just waiting for my life to completely fall apart. If I manage to get kicked out of college, that would be it for me. I wouldn't have any reason to go on.

 

 

You make suicide sound like a great option. But think: if you make an effort to get a girl, you might at least have someone at your funeral crying for you that isn't a blood relative.

 

Or am I being optimistic?

[Meeks7]

Rooting for me?

 

I don't even know if I'm still in the game.

 

I truly do appreciate the help, support and advice.

 

But at this point. I just don't know if there really is a chance for me. I'm tired of this game and I see no reason to keep struggling for nothing. At this point, I think I'm just waiting for my life to completely fall apart. If I manage to get kicked out of college, that would be it for me. I wouldn't have any reason to go on.

 

 

I don't see how anyone could read this and NOT see self-sabotage.

 

You say "you think you're just waiting for your life to completely fall apart" -- well guess what, if you think that way, your life WILL fall apart.

 

Not only is this self-sabotage, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies in Psychology: How Negative Thoughts and Expectations Create Problems in Life | Suite101.com

 

Here's a quote highlighted from the link above:

 

what you believe will come true because you will subconsciously and consciously act in ways that cause the event to happen. Self-fulfilling prophecies are powerful, and real.

 

Right now, and for the longest time, you have been thinking and expecting the worst. You say so yourself time and time again. Then what happens? Less than desirable situations play out for you. You consciously or subconsciously live your life in a way that doesn't help bring you out of your rut, but only perpetuates it.

 

The sad reality is, you're so stuck in your own self-created mud, that it's very difficult for you to fight to get out. This is why I say you need a support group, some real life help.

 

From your last post, it doesn't sound like you're actually going to make any changes in your life. Did you even click on Beth's SOCAL single meet up link? Did you even look at the links that ThaWholigan sent you on PM?

 

I'm a little worried about you because you've received all this great advice, but you seem so petrified that you're just going to sit there and continue dwindling away.

 

All this advice is for naught if you don't get off your butt and do something about it.

 

Help is available. Right now, you just don't want to be helped, it seems. I don't know what else to say. I guess that's why they say "You can't help someone who doesn't want to get better."

 

And why they also say "You can't help someone by trying to help."

 

Sigh.

 

Beth and I will be praying for you.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Meeks7

[jobaba]

Rooting for me?

 

I don't even know if I'm still in the game.

 

I truly do appreciate the help, support and advice.

 

But at this point. I just don't know if there really is a chance for me. I'm tired of this game and I see no reason to keep struggling for nothing. At this point, I think I'm just waiting for my life to completely fall apart. If I manage to get kicked out of college, that would be it for me. I wouldn't have any reason to go on.

 

C'mon man. Pull yourself together and get back in the game.

 

Don't let the status quo win. Don't give in.

 

It's too bad you're not in NY/NJ. I'd take you out and introduce you to some people. Help you out. Who cares about how I met you. I don't give a **** what anybody thinks.

[Meeks7]

It's too bad you're not in NY/NJ. I'd take you out and introduce you to some people. Help you out. Who cares about how I met you. I don't give a **** what anybody thinks.

 

 

I offered SomeDude a chance to meet up with a friend's friend who lives in SoCal, who is in the business of helping people. He declined my offer. This was when he was posting "What I absolutely need now is for someone I can talk to in real life."

 

So I offered him exactly what he was asking for, and then he declined.

 

It doesn't seem like he knows what he wants. He'll say he wants something, but when the opportunity presents itself, he blocks his own path of success/healing.

 

I know Chokie also invited SomeDude to join him on a Vegas trip many times. Chokie said SomeDude never took him up on it.

 

Until he shows otherwise, the sad news is, his overwhelming fear of the unknown far exceeds his desire to actually change/improve.

 

SomeDude, if you would like to clarify or clear things up, please do so. FWIW, my offer still stands to get you some real life help. Just holler if you're ready to stop the self-sabotaging. When I first offered you the chance to speak with someone after you said "What I need is absolutely someone to talk to in real life" you said "The reason why I'm declining is because I need to know the person first and be comfortable with them."

 

Well, you're not doing anything to open up your life/world to anyone in real life... so that just conveniently gives you an excuse not to do anything.

 

Newsflash: looking for/living a life of comfort has gotten you exactly where you are. Change can be scary and does require you stepping out of your comfort zone. Throwing excuses aside and seeking professional help.

 

Your call.

[Meeks7]

Hi SD,

This is Beth. I've been wondering about you.

 

Do you have any thoughts on the latest posts in this topic?

 

And what's stopping you from trying different strategies to better your life, switching up your routine a bit?

 

I go through ruts myself, believe it or not. We all do. The key I've found is to try different things. If what you're doing isn't working, you got to tweak and re-tweak. Sometimes you need a brand new plan! But you keep fighting. You don't just do the same things and pray for some miracle to happen. Change ALWAYS comes from the inside out first.

 

Did you click on my SOCAL single meetup link?

It's a good way to meet some new people...

 

Let me know how you've been, and how you've processed things in the last couple days.

[somedude81]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

I also don't really have any interest in joining a random meetup group that I found about online.

[ThaWholigan]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

I also don't really have any interest in joining a random meetup group that I found about online.

Not even a singles event??

 

Good luck with the other things, whatever they are...

[SmileFace]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

I also don't really have any interest in joining a random meetup group that I found about online.

 

Don't join some random group. If you have no interest in something do not do it. However are they any groups that you are interested in. That you willl like to join for your own enjoyment?

[Kamille]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

What are those things?

[Meeks7]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

I also don't really have any interest in joining a random meetup group that I found about online.

 

 

What are the other things you're trying to focus on right now?

 

And if you're not interested in joining a random meetup group you found out about online, what type of social activity would interest you enough to check out?

[Mme. Chaucer]

You're not interested in anything that is not exactly as you think you want things to be, or is not just what you are doing now, right?

 

You just want those things to "work." Which means get you the "thing" you want most in life right now: a girlfriend.

 

What if the only thing that would "work" would be for you to change how you approach almost everything? Drastically?

 

For the record, though I absolutely believe that's what you need to do, I don't think that doing it will necessarily get you what you believe is what you really need to be "fixed" at this moment (girlfriend). It would put you on the path to self-actualization and bring you into a fulfilling, rewarding life. Girlfriend or no girlfriend.

[LittlePrince]

What are those things?

Are you hoping to make the top five?

[LittlePrince]

Don't join some random group. If you have no interest in something do not do it. However are they any groups that you are interested in. That you willl like to join for your own enjoyment?

If you are looking to find someone of the opposite sex that's a good way to do exactly the opposite. Broadening horizons outside of what one's sex typically enjoys will be required.

[Teknoe]

For now I'm trying to focus on other things.

 

The classic words of someone who really doesn't want to change.

 

Other variations include:

 

-I'm working on it

-I'll get to it one day...

-I'll look into it...

 

All words that are just excuses to perpetuate the person's life situation

 

 

I also don't really have any interest in joining a random meetup group that I found about online.

 

Boy, you've conveniently nixed just about any social interaction setting, haven't you? Online dating? No, not for you. Speed dating? Nope. Activity night? Naw. Single meetups? Not interested whatsoever.

 

My goodness, you're closing yourself off from interacting with females, which ironically you claim you want more of.

 

Talk is cheap, though.

 

Through your actions, or lack thereof, it's clear you are, as you yourself said, waiting for your life to completely collapse.

 

And you wonder why you haven't had any luck with the ladies or in life. Your unhealthy mindset and constantly self-sabotaging life choices are making you who you are, and what you are.

 

But of course, you got the magic plan. Everyone else here is just crazy and delusional with their "make friends" and "seek help" suggestions. You know more than us. So, keep posting away thinking that someday your magical girlfriend will come to save you. We'll see how that works out for ya....

[somedude81]

You're not interested in anything that is not exactly as you think you want things to be, or is not just what you are doing now, right?

 

You just want those things to "work." Which means get you the "thing" you want most in life right now: a girlfriend.

 

What if the only thing that would "work" would be for you to change how you approach almost everything? Drastically?

 

For the record, though I absolutely believe that's what you need to do, I don't think that doing it will necessarily get you what you believe is what you really need to be "fixed" at this moment (girlfriend). It would put you on the path to self-actualization and bring you into a fulfilling, rewarding life. Girlfriend or no girlfriend.

Drastically changing how I approach everything in life hardly seems possible.

 

I have no interest in a life where I have self-actualization but living without a partner.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

I have no interest in a life where I have self-actualization but living without a partner.

 

Most successful partnerships that I've ever known of are between self-actualized individuals. Unless they are both living in a backwards condition, which you are not, being in LA in college and all.

 

I know you missed out on the teenage dating thing, and I'm sorry (I guess - it was pretty miserable for many of us) but you are NOT going to get your chance at that now. You are going to be required to step up and be a grown man in his 30's in every way.