How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[ThaWholigan]

What I don't think you or anybody is aware of, is that I extremely emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted. Often that manifests as physical exhaustion, as no matter how many hours I sleep, I'm still tired most of the day. Some days I just lay in bed in the middle of the day because I'm just to tired to do anything. I'm pretty sure that it's all mental.

 

Basically, I'm running on empty.

I'm sorry but that's not good enough IMO.

 

If it's mental, that's all the more reason to at least attempt to persevere, because you can CHANGE your mentality completely. I don't understand how you can be so exhausted.

 

If you don't want to do that, then you shouldn't complain at all IMO.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't understand how you can be so exhausted.

 

 

Probably depression. It's exhausting. Fortunately, there are many things available to try to help with that.

[somedude81]

Yes, I've had depression most of my life.

 

Honestly, I can't remember a period in my life when I didn't have it, and yes I'm including early childhood.

[ThaWholigan]

Probably depression. It's exhausting. Fortunately, there are many things available to try to help with that.

I know people with depression and yes, it is exhausting, so factoring in the possibility of SD81 having depression, I could understand that actually. But the people I know have recognized this and are at least putting in some small amount of effort to offset the damaging effects of their depression, even though it's hard. And I respect them wholly for it. Depression is hard.

 

But as much as I may feel sympathy, and as much as I can console, and empathize, and help, and advise etc. I also feel that they shouldn't be doing nothing. As doing nothing will only serve to perpetuate that depression. That's my opinion. I don't take depression lightly, but to not bother to do anything about it is not a good thing.

[somedude81]

I love how everybody automatically assumes that I've done nothing to try and get to where I want to be.

[ThaWholigan]

I love how everybody automatically assumes that I've done nothing to try and get to where I want to be.

Based on your anecdotes and posts, I don't believe you have done enough personally. And to be honest, I don't even think you know where you want to be, except that you want a girlfriend and that's it.

 

It's not all your fault though. But you should know a bit better now.

[Cracker Jack]

What have you done to better your situation, tho?

[somedude81]

Based on your anecdotes and posts, I don't believe you have done enough personally. And to be honest, I don't even think you know where you want to be, except that you want a girlfriend and that's it.

 

It's not all your fault though. But you should know a bit better now.

Think about what you said for a minute.

[ThaWholigan]

Think about what you said for a minute.

I have thought about it, I still don't think you have done enough. Maybe you started trying, and then stopped when it got too uncomfortable or something, maybe it was hard because you didn't feel like anyone was helping you. You tried therapy, but you have to put in half the work when it comes to therapy, a therapist can't fix you. Unless you're doing CBT or something like that.

 

Have you done nothing? Maybe that was harsh to say. But have you done enough? I don't think you have. If you did enough, you wouldn't be here complaining.

[somedude81]

I have thought about it, I still don't think you have done enough. Maybe you started trying, and then stopped when it got too uncomfortable or something, maybe it was hard because you didn't feel like anyone was helping you. You tried therapy, but you have to put in half the work when it comes to therapy, a therapist can't fix you. Unless you're doing CBT or something like that.

 

Have you done nothing? Maybe that was harsh to say. But have you done enough? I don't think you have. If you did enough, you wouldn't be here complaining.

Then I'll make it clear.

 

Who do you think you, what gives you the right to judge me?

 

I know you're a nice guy and only mean well, but somebody telling me that they think I haven't done enough to improve me life, when I haven't hired them for help or something similar, deserves to have a few expletives thrown their way.

[Mme. Chaucer]

SD, be fair. You post here very frequently and put yourself out here asking for input. You do tell us what you do, think, expect, etc. I understand how hearing what people think about it could be painful, but that's what you are asking for - a lot.

[ThaWholigan]

Then I'll make it clear.

 

Who do you think you, what gives you the right to judge me?

 

I know you're a nice guy and only mean well, but somebody telling me that they think I haven't done enough to improve me life, when I haven't hired them for help or something similar, deserves to have a few expletives thrown their way.

Throw them at me then.

 

I still don't believe you but whatever, it's your life. I'm just disappointed that you want to give up so easily.

[marinelife3]

Somedude, I'm going to tell you a story. When I was little and my mom put me to bed, I'd often ask her the following question:

 

"What if there was a sick person in a village in the middle of a snow storm and there were no doctors in the village and nobody could help him?"

 

My mom would say something like, "A plane will fly in and rescue the person" and I would say "No, it's snowing too hard for a plane", and then my mom would say "One of the people in the village will put the sick man on a sled and take him to a hospital" and I'd say "But there's no sleds in the village", and we would go on like that for hours, her thinking up ideas, me dismissing them. I think ultimately I was hoping for her to come up with some totally ingenious idea that I wouldn't be able to come up with a counter argument for. Well actually I'm not really sure what I was thinking. But of course I'm telling you this because your threads remind me of it.

 

I have a feeling you're going to probably stop posting soon because you feel people are critiquing you as a person in ways that are useless to you instead of giving you practical advice, but I think the issue is that you aren't giving the board new material to work with. You have your one Huge Unsolvable Problem, which I think can be summed up as:

 

I'm insecure and depressed because I don't have a girlfriend, but I'm too insecure and depressed to attract a girlfriend

 

And it's like this impossible catch 22. But I think if you put yourself out there in the world more, you could get new, smaller problems to bring to the board, like "I messaged all these girls on OK Cupid and no one answered me, what am I doing wrong?" and then the posters on this board could be helpful to you and it wouldn't be so frustrating. But there's really no practical advice anyone can offer for your Big Ultimate Problem, so all they can do is analyze why you have such a problem to begin with. What I'm saying is you need to develop smaller problems, the kind that crop up naturally when you're out and about doing stuff.

[Meeks7]

Me too! Yet here I am. I do need to stop though. I feel like we are all participating in enabling a very negative and sick thing by playing this game with SD.

 

Posting here appears to be just a little hobby for SD - to kind of provide a semblance of social interaction. I don't believe he has any intention of doing one single thing to move an iota from the exact spot he's in right this moment. Zero. We're helping him pretend like he might.

 

Onwards to the next decade, SD.

 

 

You know, you might be right. This is the closest thing he has to receiving any sort of attention and social interaction. All our posts are doing is giving him this constant mouse-cat game, but with no change coming, it IS useless and it does help enable his behavior.

 

I agree with Tha, I can console and show empathy, but at some point you just have to call it like it is. If a guy is constantly putting his finger in the socket then that's ALL on him.

 

Quite frankly, people avoid people like that in real life. That might be why he has no friends whatsoever. Wouldn't shock me if he has horrible body language in real life and people can sense this dark cloud over him. Who wants to be friends with a negative nancy, especially in real life?

 

Somedude has all but given up on life.

I think it's time we give up on the idea of helping him to get better, because it's clearly evident he has no intent to actually get better. Maybe he wants to, but I mean that as in he won't be carrying it through to see change happen. (i.e. taking the action steps necessary. he just wants to rot away and live as risk-free and challenge-free life as possible)

[somedude81]

This is from another thread. It's more on-topic here.

You PM'ed me a link to your Danielle thread a while back. I actually read through it all. And the one thing that sticks out to me is that you are in love with the IDEA of (liking) her than you actually do like her.

 

You even admitted elsewhere that any girl could have filled Danielle's role, as long as she gave you attention and the time of day.

Not exactly.

 

I'm looking for a girl that can fit the empty void in my life called girlfriend. She matched that void the best, so much so that I'm scared I won't find another girl like her. She just seemed right on so many areas.

What's ironic is you say you would have done everything in your power to go above and beyond what would be expected to make her happy, yet you couldn't handle the fact that she just wanted to be left alone, and you couldn't even accept that. Just being truthful: you have no concept of putting other people's needs before your own.

I would have done anything she wanted, except leave her alone.

 

"If you love somebody, then let them go" forget that crap.

 

And even then, that's what I had do to.

 

If she had any other needs, I would have gladly tried to meet them.

 

 

Seems to me like you are an extremely self-centered 30 year old who hasn't yet grown up. You might be 30, but in terms of social skills and awareness and life experience(s), you're more like an awkward 14 year old.

I thought that's already been established.

 

 

 

Nope. She only hung out with him because she was 21 and didn't know any better.

Sounds like a pretty lame reason to hang out with somebody.

 

IMO, I think she did like me, in some areas, but she had her own personal issues going on and she wasn't comfortable getting into a relationship with anybody. She was also emotionally immature.

 

For her to reach the end of her rope and cut off all contact with him tells you all you need to know. Girls don't do that to a guy unless the guy comes off as incredibly annoying/creepy/clingy.

On the last day we saw each other, we had a fight and I think it was a bigger deal to her than I thought it was. She also probably realized that I was never going to stop pursuing her and decided that it just wasn't worth keeping the friendship going.

[Els]

Somedude has all but given up on life.

I think it's time we give up on the idea of helping him to get better, because it's clearly evident he has no intent to actually get better.

 

I agree. Please, for the love of god, guys, stop. You have better things to do with your time. SD has already admitted that LS is just a source of entertainment to him, nothing more. Why would you waste your time trying to help someone who isn't interested in it?

 

Go through the 'no replies' section instead and answer all the newer posters asking for advice and who have not gotten any. C'mon. I challenge y'all. If we waste any more time helping him, it's really on us.

[somedude81]

Elswyth!

 

What the hell?!

 

Nice way of twisting my words.

 

I said LS is a "is a source of entertainment" that doesn't mean it's just a source I do come here for advice. But I also come here because I enjoy the forum.

 

Thanks for the betrayal.

 

Now take a hike.

[Els]

People are able to read the thread and construe their opinions on your post for themselves, SD. I purposely linked it so as not to misquote you.

 

I don't understand what's up with the dramatic response. You said you don't like people insisting on you doing things that you don't want to do. But that's what all of 'helping you' has come down to nowadays. All my post is going to do, if they listen to it, is prevent something you dislike from happening. Or.. do you not really dislike it?

[somedude81]

We were having a conversation in another thread.

 

I said something.

 

You come over here, "look everybody SD said this and you shouldn't try to help him anymore!"

 

You also misquoted me to make it seem like something bad when it's nothing at all.

 

Do you really not understand why I'm upset at what you did?

[Els]

I don't think it's necessarily something bad. But your response in the other thread was clear: You're not interested in getting genuine advice. Whenever posters advise you to do anything, your automatic fallback response is: "I HAVE done a lot of things, nobody understands what I've done!", and yet you never intend to let any of us know what those things are. So everyone, yes everyone, who tries to help you automatically gets stuck at that part. And you get unhappy when even the best and kindest of them, like ThaWholigan, get frustrated.

 

So them not continuing along this path, serves both you and them well. Really, it's not a bad thing to not use LS as advice. I just see all this as much-unnecessary conflict and wasted time on both parties' behalf.

[somedude81]

Again you twist my words.

 

I'm getting tired of talking to you.

[Els]

Is that sort of petulance how you respond to everything else that you know is true but you don't want to admit, not even to yourself?

 

It's fine if you don't want to talk to me. No skin off my back.

[Meeks7]

Again you twist my words.

 

I'm getting tired of talking to you.

 

Another thing I noticed from your posts is you give up easily, and lack conflict resolution skills. Do you know what a major turn off this is to females? It's probably another reason why Danielle ended the friendship. You simply lack communication skills.

 

The more posts I read from you, the more of a mental image I'm getting of you. I see a guy trying to pound a large triangular block into a small square hole. And then when it doesn't go in, you shout and scream like an infant.

 

Good luck with that girlfriend thing. Don't act all shocked when it's 2013, you're 31 and still sitting in the same boat as you are now.

[Meeks7]

I'm looking for a girl that can fit the empty void in my life called girlfriend. She matched that void the best, so much so that I'm scared I won't find another girl like her. She just seemed right on so many areas.

I would have done anything she wanted, except leave her alone.

 

Beth is over and I just showed her this post of yours. In my girlfriend's own words:

 

"What a selfish and insensitive (I can't say the word here)"

 

You really only want to do things that benefit you, not benefit her. You think you care about her, but your perception of what "care" looks like is incredibly off.

 

That explains a lot of your lack of success. Your reality is far different from what is actually reality.

 

I thought that's already been established.

 

Humor me for a second here. You just admitted you have very little social skills, social awareness and life experience. You just admitted although you are 30, you are more like an awkward 14 year old. OK, so tell me why any single girl should ever date YOU?

 

You are an unhealthy time bomb waiting to go off, and your constant refusal to seek real life help/attempt to change your circumstances is highly disturbing. Beth says no girl and SHE MEANS NO GIRL will ever want to date someone like you.

 

No magic girl is coming to fill the empty void in your heart, especially not when all you're content to do is let your own life pass you by as you continue to isolate yourself from the rest of society and the world.

[somedude81]

Beth is over and I just showed her this post of yours. In my girlfriend's own words:

 

"What a selfish and insensitive (I can't say the word here)"

 

You really only want to do things that benefit you, not benefit her. You think you care about her, but your perception of what "care" looks like is incredibly off.

 

That explains a lot of your lack of success. Your reality is far different from what is actually reality.

Yes, so nothing I would have ever done for her would have any meaning because I selfishly didn't want her to leave.

 

Also, I'm not a saint, of course I'm going to put my needs ahead of anybody else.

 

She was somebody that I really liked and greatly enjoyed spending time with, it seems completely ridiculous that people expected me to gladly let her go.

 

So if Beth decides to leave you one day, without any warning, you'd smile and happily help her back her bags?

 

 

Humor me for a second here. You just admitted you have very little social skills, social awareness and life experience. You just admitted although you are 30, you are more like an awkward 14 year old. OK, so tell me why any single girl should ever date YOU?

The only reason I am behind is because I am lacking experience. Which simply means, I only need experience to catch up. The way to get that experience is to be in a relationship. That's what I'm missing in my life.

 

Why would a girl want to date me? Since I have no experience in relationships, I don't think I can give a complete answer. So I'll turn it around and ask you, or anybody else reading, why would a girl not want to date me?

You are an unhealthy time bomb waiting to go off, and your constant refusal to seek real life help/attempt to change your circumstances is highly disturbing. Beth says no girl and SHE MEANS NO GIRL will ever want to date someone like you.

Why am I time bomb?

No magic girl is coming to fill the empty void in your heart, especially not when all you're content to do is let your own life pass you by as you continue to isolate yourself from the rest of society and the world.

I'm not looking for a magic girl.

 

Just a girl that doesn't have super high standards and is willing to date a guy who doesn't have experience but is willing to learn and try, as long as she gives me a chance.