How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[jobaba]

SomeDude, remember my offer to meet up with my friend's friend?

 

You have 24 hours to set it up with me.

 

After 24 hours, the offer is off the table for good. Never again will it be offered to you.

 

If you don't want to help yourself, then people really should stop trying to help you. You are what you are, and you will be what you will be...

 

Ill take your offer.

 

Tell Beth to hook my a@@ up.

 

I take all comers...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I've also met the families and parents of a couple of girls that I've had crushes on, and I've never embarrassed them. I'm willing to be that I only left a good impression.

.

 

How do you know they weren't embarrassed?

 

I'm not saying that they would necessarily have been, but it has been well established that you have zero perception about what other people are experiencing in social situations where you are present. Zero interest in what they're experiencing, too.

[seachangeoflove]

Rude, inconsiderate, snide, judgmental, dominating a conversation.

 

None of those things can be applied to me at all.

 

 

I am sure that's what my date yesterday thought, too!

[ThaWholigan]

350+ pages = going nowhere........

[somedude81]

How do you know they weren't embarrassed?

For one, they never told me. And these girls were the type that would have told me if I embarrassed or did something to upset them.

I'm not saying that they would necessarily have been, but it has been well established that you have zero perception about what other people are experiencing in social situations where you are present. Zero interest in what they're experiencing, too.

No it hasn't.

 

It's absolutely annoying what conclusions you people jump to about me.

I am sure that's what my date yesterday thought, too!

If that's all you are going to say, then why even bother posting in this thread?

 

And I"m told that I have poor social skills and understanding of the situation.

[seachangeoflove]

If that's all you are going to say, then why even bother posting in this thread?

 

 

And you said you weren't rude!!!

 

[zengirl]

So assuming you weren't married, you'd pass up a good looking, secure, hard working, kind and funny but occasionally socially awkward dude

 

I actually dig socially awkward dudes, if they have certain social skills. However, men without the desire to build their interpersonal skills and maintain relationships with others, absent sexual interest, are not attractive to me at all. Nor are men who can't understand or empathize with others. Nor are men who don't see the purpose of friendship, in and of itself. Etc, etc. Empathy is deeply sexy and one of the reasons I fell for Hubby. I think you don't realize just how crucial social skills are. It's not just about being socially awkward --- I've dated quite a few men with social anxiety, happily so, but none who let it isolate them. Laziness is also a big turnoff of mine. At any rate, a lot of attraction isn't about "ticking off boxes" as you seem to think it to be.

 

for a guy who is completely physically unattractive to you, there is nothing about him that you like and several things actually turn you off, but he's socially very capable and makes friends easily?

 

Of course I wouldn't date someone JUST for that one trait. I'm saying being without it can be crippling, not that it's a magic bullet.

 

Can you explain how those qualities I'm lacking actually matter in a relationship?

 

I can and have, several times. Your inability to hear that also indicates low empathy, egocentric perception, and poor listening skills -- 3 aspects of poor social skills that would hinder a R.

 

People keep mentioning how important it is to have good social skills and a lot of friends, the problem that I'm having is that I can't understand how lacking in those areas would adversely affect the relationship.

 

I've yet to see anyone say you need "a lot" of friends.

 

At any rate, MC basically has it down:

 

OH

 

 

MY

 

 

GOD.

 

SD:

 

WHY can you NOT GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD that women who do not find you attractive feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY about you as you do about the fatties? And the flatties?

 

WHY can't you understand that it is NOT ANY MORE WRONG for girls to reject you for any reason that they may have as it is for you to reject anybody for YOUR reasons?

[verhrzn]

Ill take your offer.

 

Tell Beth to hook my a@@ up.

 

I take all comers...

 

I'd take it too! Anyone offering me in-person help is WELCOME. Please oh please?...

[Mme. Chaucer]

For one, they never told me. And these girls were the type that would have told me if I embarrassed or did something to upset them.

 

You know nothing about what these girls really were / are like.

 

 

 

It's absolutely annoying what conclusions you people jump to about me.

 

No conclusions, no jumping. You give us a lot to work with. Unless you're just trolling and this whole SD persona is just a character you've made up for entertainment.

[somedude81]

I actually dig socially awkward dudes, if they have certain social skills. However, men without the desire to build their interpersonal skills and maintain relationships with others, absent sexual interest, are not attractive to me at all. Nor are men who can't understand or empathize with others. Nor are men who don't see the purpose of friendship, in and of itself. Etc, etc.

Lets not forget that these are all based on your conclusions about what I've posted on this forum.

 

No man is going to tel somebody that they don't have the desire to build up social skills and maintain friendships etc.

 

A very big issue that I'm realizing now, is that most everybody has their mind already made up about me from what they've read here, and are assuming that every I will ever interact with IRL will see the same things.

 

 

 

Empathy is deeply sexy and one of the reasons I fell for Hubby. I think you don't realize just how crucial social skills are. It's not just about being socially awkward --- I've dated quite a few men with social anxiety, happily so, but none who let it isolate them. Laziness is also a big turnoff of mine. At any rate, a lot of attraction isn't about "ticking off boxes" as you seem to think it to be.

Can you give an example of your husband having empathy?

 

 

 

I can and have, several times. Your inability to hear that also indicates low empathy, egocentric perception, and poor listening skills -- 3 aspects of poor social skills that would hinder a R.

Can you remind me of the last time we spoke?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I very much would like you to respond to what I posted a few back, so I'm going to paste it here again:

 

WHY can you NOT GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD that women who do not find you attractive feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY about you as you do about the fatties? And the flatties?

 

WHY can't you understand that it is NOT ANY MORE WRONG for girls to reject you for any reason that they may have as it is for you to reject anybody for YOUR reasons?

 

I don't think anybody wants you to give fat girls a "chance," since you clearly find fat girls repugnant … UNLESS you persist in believing that for some strange reason, YOU deserve a "chance" from women who DO NOT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. In that case, you should date lots of fat women, in the name of fairness. And maybe the universe will kindly reward you by providing you with a date or two with girls who think you are completely unattractive.

 

Can you wrap your mind around this?

 

PLEASE RESPOND.

[somedude81]

No conclusions, no jumping.

Then what is this?

You know nothing about what these girls really were / are like.

[verhrzn]

I very much would like you to respond to what I posted a few back, so I'm going to paste it here again:

 

Just in case he missed it, I am also going to repost. I am really interested to hear the response.

[somedude81]

Right now I'm trying to find out what is so unattractive about me, that it's basically making me equivalent to an obese woman.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Right now I'm trying to find out what is so unattractive about me, that it's basically making me equivalent to an obese woman.

 

Well, if you REALLY want to know, first you are going to have to just accept that the world does not share your view that an overweight person is universally undateable, whereas an average sized one should be regardless of their other traits.

 

And, if this is what you are really "trying to find out," why do you reject all the opinions offered by people about what those qualities may be?

 

An overweight woman is not "equivalent" to you. The reality that you are equally unattractive to some people as an overweight woman is to you is what you need to get through your head.

 

Lets not forget that these are all based on your conclusions about what I've posted on this forum.

 

Let's not forget, too, that if you want to go down that road, people in real life are liking you and not liking you based upon the conclusions they've drawn about you through their encounters with you in real life. "Conclusions," as you are labeling them, really count.

 

You thinking you're nothing like the way you come off to all other people is what you should be concerned about.

Are you going to respond to what I posted or should I paste it again?

Edited June 25, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer

[somedude81]

Well, if you REALLY want to know, first you are going to have to just accept that the world does not share your view that an overweight person is universally undateable, whereas an average sized one should be regardless of their other traits.

It's a common belief of many men.

 

Sure some men don't mind bigger girls and some guys actually prefer them, but they aren't the majority.

An overweight woman is not "equivalent" to you. The reality that you are equally unattractive to some people as an overweight woman is to you is what you need to get through your head.

"An overweight woman is not equivalent to you."

 

"You are equally unattractive to some people as an overweight woman."

 

Were you trying to contradict yourself?

 

Are you going to respond to what I posted or should I paste it again?

That was my response.

[Badsingularity]

Right now I'm trying to find out what is so unattractive about me, that it's basically making me equivalent to an obese woman.

 

..............................

[somedude81]

Let's not forget, too, that if you want to go down that road, people in real life are liking you and not liking you based upon the conclusions they've drawn about you through their encounters with you in real life. "Conclusions," as you are labeling them, really count.

 

You thinking you're nothing like the way you come off to all other people is what you should be concerned about.

Lets look back at from where that quote originated.

 

How do you know they weren't embarrassed?

 

I'm not saying that they would necessarily have been, but it has been well established that you have zero perception about what other people are experiencing in social situations where you are present. Zero interest in what they're experiencing, too.

You stated that I have zero perception about what other people are experiencing and that I have zero interest in what they were experiencing.

 

There is just no way somebody I have interacted with in real life could come to that conclusion. All you can do, is read my posts and come to your own conclusion based upon the limited amount of information you have, which is solely based on what I've written and your already set beliefs on who you think I am.

[seachangeoflove]

You stated that I have zero perception about what other people are experiencing and that I have zero interest in what they were experiencing.

 

There is just no way somebody I have interacted with in real life could come to that conclusion. All you can do, is read my posts and come to your own conclusion based upon the limited amount of information you have, which is solely based on what I've written and your already set beliefs on who you think I am.

 

 

from he little Ive read this thread I would say you are lacking in self awareness and probably reading comprehension.

 

 

You think you come across a certain way, but in reality people are reading you wrong. Hence misunderstanding. Now, that might be their problem or it could be yours, but either way....people are reading you wrong, and by that I mean misunderstanding your intentions/emotions etc. If more people than not misread your intentions, it's most likely your behavior is different from 'normal' people. Regardless, it's a problem that needs to be fixed.

 

 

You sound quite snippy and defensive but this is a text medium. And you are right, no one here knows you. So do you find yourself often explaining your jokes or comments to friends? Perhaps people just don't 'get' you? Can you ask someone how you come across to others, perhaps peers in your group at work or something?

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's a common belief of many men.

 

Sure some men don't mind bigger girls and some guys actually prefer them, but they aren't the majority.

 

So what? Why can't women find YOU as unattractive, and not worthy of being "given a chance," as YOU find fat women?

 

Why?

[zengirl]

Lets not forget that these are all based on your conclusions about what I've posted on this forum.

 

No man is going to tel somebody that they don't have the desire to build up social skills and maintain friendships etc.

 

But many women will still see it from a mile away. Again, you miss the point.

[Mme. Chaucer]

There is just no way somebody I have interacted with in real life could come to that conclusion.

 

This explains why you have such a rich and full social and emotional life that we all aren't aware of here? That you have, in fact, been lying about?

 

Or, perhaps people are "jumping to conclusions" just like we are, based upon the information they get from you?

[Badsingularity]

So what? Why can't women find YOU as unattractive, and not worthy of being "given a chance," as YOU find fat women?

 

Why?

 

 

He doesn't understand the differences between men and women. I have tried to explain them to him but he refused to accept it.

 

He doesn't understand that certain behaviours and traits turn women off.

 

He thinks that since those behaviours and traits don't turn him off, then they shouldn't turn women off.

[SmileFace]

Right now I'm trying to find out what is so unattractive about me, that it's basically making me equivalent to an obese woman.

 

What?????????

[somedude81]

from he little Ive read this thread I would say you are lacking in self awareness and probably reading comprehension.

I don't have any issues with reading comprehension or listening skills, as zengirl would like me to believe, never mind the fact that we've never actually communicated verbally

In this thread, there are a lot of different posters and different ideas and topics, the best way to sum it up, is that there is a lot of noise. I'm currently trying to focus on certain themes.

 

You think you come across a certain way, but in reality people are reading you wrong. Hence misunderstanding. Now, that might be their problem or it could be yours, but either way....people are reading you wrong, and by that I mean misunderstanding your intentions/emotions etc. If more people than not misread your intentions, it's most likely your behavior is different from 'normal' people. Regardless, it's a problem that needs to be fixed.

Just to be clear, you are saying that people I come across in reality are reading me wrong?

 

As for misunderstanding my intentions, you are talking about dating right? I can talk more about sending mixed signals to girls and them not being able to tell what I'm after, if that is what you meant.

 

You sound quite snippy and defensive but this is a text medium.

Talking about these issues, and what I've gotten back here on this forum is frustrating. I'm always on the defensive and it's stupid when all I'm trying to do is figure out how to start making girls attracted to me. I'm not here to present a controversial issue and then debate it.

 

 

And you are right, no one here knows you. So do you find yourself often explaining your jokes or comments to friends? Perhaps people just don't 'get' you?

Nope, I rarely have to explain myself.

Can you ask someone how you come across to others, perhaps peers in your group at work or something?

Yeah I can ask a few people.

 

I talked to a girl a while ago, and she commented that I am a bit of an introvert but that I also make an effort to talk to people. She also talked about her brothers, who are even more introverted than I am, and they actively try to avoid interacting with people.