How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[somedude81]

Another thing I noticed from your posts is you give up easily, and lack conflict resolution skills. Do you know what a major turn off this is to females?

Really, it's a turn off?

 

Yes I do lack conflict resolution skills. I think it's because I just don't have a lot of conflict in my life, and I let a lot of things slide.

 

It's probably another reason why Danielle ended the friendship. You simply lack communication skills.

Did you read the last part of my super long thread where I went over the last day Danielle and I had together?

 

There were a few times where we got on each others case and had some minor conflicts. Whenever I look back on that day all I can see is how I screwed up because I simply didn't know how to handle conflict with her. It's not a stretch to say that she was my practice girl. I learned a lot from interacting with her, and there was so much more I could have learned if things didn't end.

 

I also hate that the "conversation" where she ended the friendship was over text. I can't believe that I was so stupid in letting something so serious be handled in a medium so impersonal. But that's just another sign of having poor conflict resolution skills.

[mesmerized]

More than 300 posts????

 

It's very simple...You go to a girl and say "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?", and after that, it's all about happily ever after.

[olivec]

I really don't get it at all.

 

After all these years of experience and hearing / reading about others, I've only learned what doesn't work.

 

I've learned that chasing a girl who has no interest in you is doomed to failure.

 

That it's basically impossible to actually make somebody like you. Either they do or they don't.

 

Odds are a woman isn't going to fall for a man like which men commonly do. So hoping she'll come around eventually is foolish.

 

If a woman isn't physically attracted to you, nothing will ever happen.

 

So with those out of the way, how are things supposed to work?

 

From what I gather, two people have to meet and both have to be attracted to each other. Though that's easier said then done since men are more easily 'impressed' then women are. I've also heard that women know in less then a minute if the guy has any possibility for dating/sex, though it may take much longer to get the 'no' out of her, which is just wasted time and energy from the guy. So it basically comes down to luck if the woman considers the guy attractive. And even then more things need to happen.

 

It almost feels like you're throwing dice if the woman is attracted to you or not. If you're a good looking guy or really know how to play the game, the two dice only need to add up to five. And for somebody like me, I need them to hit at least 10. Which hasn't happened yet and I'm turning 31 in three months

 

So is that it? The only way dating works is to ask out lots and lots of girls till one decides you're good enough to F ? Which basically means that my own preferences are nothing more than a hindrance.

 

Yeah, I'm sure if I wanted to, or actually didn't care at all, I could end up with a woman I have zero attraction to, have zero things in common with and can barely stand her personality; but because she liked me, it was the only that mattered.

 

Please tell me there is something better.

 

 

so are you a virgin somedude? it would help to answer your question.

[somedude81]

More than 300 posts????

 

It's very simple...You go to a girl and say "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?", and after that, it's all about happily ever after.

Hey mes, you have cool shoes. Can I stick it in the butt?

 

so are you a virgin somedude? it would help to answer your question.

Nope. But I've never had a GF.

[ThaWholigan]

This thread makes me sad .

 

There will probably be another one like this a couple of weeks from now.....

[ThaWholigan]

More than 300 posts????

 

It's very simple...You go to a girl and say "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?", and after that, it's all about happily ever after.

That would probably be better than whatever it is he's doing now

[Meeks7]

Also, I'm not a saint, of course I'm going to put my needs ahead of anybody else.

 

No excuses. I know plenty of people who aren't saints, but still know how to put other people's needs before their own (at least, to some degree).

 

She was somebody that I really liked and greatly enjoyed spending time with, it seems completely ridiculous that people expected me to gladly let her go.

 

Newsflash: a relationship is a two-way street. I'm sure you heard of "It takes two to tango" before. A friendship is a two way street. Anyone has the freedom to cut off contact at any point. But again, people don't cut off people for no reason.

 

Bottom line, she didn't want you in her life anymore whatsoever. You need to accept that, cut your losses and move on. Because I guarantee you holding onto her is doing you NO favors.

 

So if Beth decides to leave you one day, without any warning, you'd smile and happily help her back her bags?

 

If I cheated on her, I would completely understand.

 

It depends on why she would be breaking up with me. If it's my fault, I can accept it, and move on (eventually).

 

Again, everyone has the right to break a friendship or relationship off. And people usually don't break things off without a good reason or two.

 

The only reason I am behind is because I am lacking experience. Which simply means, I only need experience to catch up. The way to get that experience is to be in a relationship. That's what I'm missing in my life.

 

You keep saying this, yet you're not doing everything in your power to get that experience, are you? I read somewhere that you refuse to try online dating, speed dating, single meetups, etc.

 

Why do you think you find yourself in the same situation year after year? At some point, you need to look in the mirror.

 

 

Why would a girl want to date me? Since I have no experience in relationships, I don't think I can give a complete answer. So I'll turn it around and ask you, or anybody else reading, why would a girl not want to date me?

 

Um, because you're looking for a girl to fill the void in your heart, and no girl can handle that pressure. Because you've shown a propensity to smother (see Danielle thread). Because you're so negative that you've made yourself completely unattractive. Because you lack drive, ambition and passion in life -- except getting a girlfriend.

 

It's not rocket science here.

 

Why am I time bomb?

 

Because you don't even know that you are.

And because you can't differentiate between reality and YOUR reality. And because you lack a support circle to help you process your feelings, and your lack of conflict resolution skills. I also read posts where you wanted to scream at Danielle and make her cry. Also read a thread where you broke many game controllers out of anger.

 

You are unstable. Simple as that.

 

A ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

 

Just a girl that doesn't have super high standards and is willing to date a guy who doesn't have experience but is willing to learn and try, as long as she gives me a chance.

 

Super high standards? Try "any."

There is no girl out there that fits the bill.

 

You are going to have to change first (from the inside out) before you can up your attractiveness and dating ability.

 

 

Really, it's a turn off?

 

Yes I do lack conflict resolution skills. I think it's because I just don't have a lot of conflict in my life, and I let a lot of things slide.

 

You can't improve your conflict resolution skills by living a life of isolation (which is what you're doing right now and have been doing for x amount years now). That's why everyone tells you you need to make friends first with males and females.

 

Learn how to interact. Give and take. Conflict resolution. Compromise. etc.

 

But of course, according to you, making friends is too hard and not worth it.

 

Gosh, why did I just type all of this up? I know you're only going to find an excuse to dismiss and/or not apply any of this to your life. You just come back with more questions (which always has OBVIOUS answers) and you play this constant cat-mouse game while you never get up off your own butt and give life a legit shot.

 

No more answers for you. You've had so many posters trying to help you; this is my final time-consuming reply to you. I don't expect you to figure it out because of your overly long unaddressed psychological issues. As delusional as you are, people trying to help you (time in and time out, including myself) are even more delusional. That's ironic, and scary.

 

So, I'm out. Good luck figuring this whole thing out.

 

You reap what you sow.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Beth is over and I just showed her this post of yours. In my girlfriend's own words:

 

"What a selfish and insensitive (I can't say the word here)"

 

You really only want to do things that benefit you, not benefit her. You think you care about her, but your perception of what "care" looks like is incredibly off.

 

Tell Beth that she has probably been the 2837th woman to say the exact same thing in response to stuff like that posted by SD. He cares not.

[somedude81]

No excuses. I know plenty of people who aren't saints, but still know how to put other people's needs before their own (at least, to some degree).

And the only reason you can say that, it is not something I could do, was because I didn't want to let her go. Yup, that was the only need she ever had or ever would have.

 

Newsflash: a relationship is a two-way street. I'm sure you heard of "It takes two to tango" before. A friendship is a two way street. Anyone has the freedom to cut off contact at any point. But again, people don't cut off people for no reason.

I never said she didn't have a reason.

 

Bottom line, she didn't want you in her life anymore whatsoever. You need to accept that, cut your losses and move on. Because I guarantee you holding onto her is doing you NO favors.

I know it's not. I know it's bad for me to be so stuck on her. It is a sign of several issues.

 

If I cheated on her, I would completely understand.

It depends on why she would be breaking up with me. If it's my fault, I can accept it, and move on (eventually).

 

Again, everyone has the right to break a friendship or relationship off. And people usually don't break things off without a good reason or two.

So based on her reason, you would be able to accept it, or not. Now doesn't that sound familiar?

You keep saying this, yet you're not doing everything in your power to get that experience, are you? I read somewhere that you refuse to try online dating, speed dating, single meetups, etc.

Online dating is bad enough as it is for men, and I'm not exactly a top specimen. I've tried speed dating a couple of times, it was a complete failure. I've never seen any single meetups, though I have gone to a few single's meeting at church a few years ago.

Why do you think you find yourself in the same situation year after year? At some point, you need to look in the mirror.

Because I'm not learning.

 

After all this time and thousands of posts, I sill have no clue how to talk to women, hit on them, make moves etc.

 

 

Um, because you're looking for a girl to fill the void in your heart, and no girl can handle that pressure.

False:

 

Do you really think I'd tell a girl that? The only thing Dani knew is that I liked her and wanted a girlfriend.

 

Because you've shown a propensity to smother (see Danielle thread).

False:

 

I can hardly doubt what I did to Dani can be called smothering. I was always sure to give her lots of space. Can you argue otherwise?

 

Because you're so negative that you've made yourself completely unattractive.

I'm not sure how you can even quantify that. Do I have a dark cloud over my head? Do I have tattoos and piercings? Do I mope to people in real life and talk about how I want to cut myself?

Because you lack drive, ambition and passion in life -- except getting a girlfriend.

I want to finish up my B.S. degree in Information Systems so I can get a job in the tech industry. I'd love to travel the US and the world. It would be great if I could get a job being a contractor so I can live in different areas. Of course I want to be making decent money and have a nice car.

 

So that's a check for drive and a check for ambition.

 

Passion, none at his point.

 

Sorry to say, but your argument was pretty weak.

And because you can't differentiate between reality and YOUR reality.

And because you lack a support circle to help you process your feelings, and your lack of conflict resolution skills. I also read posts where you wanted to scream at Danielle and make her cry. Also read a thread where you broke many game controllers out of anger.

 

You are unstable. Simple as that.

 

A ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

And you don't think getting a girl would calm me down at all?

 

Even then, what is the worst you think that would happen if I went off? I'm not exactly the kind of person that could hurt anybody.

Super high standards? Try "any."

There is no girl out there that fits the bill.

Ugh, give me a break.

 

You make me out to be some horrible monster

 

 

 

You can't improve your conflict resolution skills by living a life of isolation (which is what you're doing right now and have been doing for x amount years now). That's why everyone tells you you need to make friends first with males and females.

 

Learn how to interact. Give and take. Conflict resolution. Compromise. etc.

 

But of course, according to you, making friends is too hard and not worth it.

So you completely ignored everything I said about Dani in relation to conflict. Nice job.

 

Gosh, why did I just type all of this up? I know you're only going to find an excuse to dismiss and/or not apply any of this to your life. You just come back with more questions (which always has OBVIOUS answers)

They may be obvious to you, but not to me. If they were, I wouldn't have bothered asking them.

and you play this constant cat-mouse game while you never get up off your own butt and give life a legit shot.

 

No more answers for you. You've had so many posters trying to help you; this is my final time-consuming reply to you. I don't expect you to figure it out because of your overly long unaddressed psychological issues. As delusional as you are, people trying to help you (time in and time out, including myself) are even more delusional. That's ironic, and scary.

 

So, I'm out. Good luck figuring this whole thing out.

 

You reap what you sow.

And now I'm delusional?

 

Gee, thanks

[Imajerk17]

I don't know, I'm not known for being the most sympathetic to SD, but I think SD's description of the situation with D is being twisted to make him appear to be this monster that he probably is not.

 

People get hung up on other people all the time as SD was with D. That doesn't mean he is Mr Fatal Attraction or anything.

 

SD, you would learn a lot more about talking to women if you would actually approach a girl. Even if you completely mess up doing it (as I have bunches of times), you'd still be making a lot more progress than you are now. You would also learn a lot if you would put yourself in situations where talking to women on a social level was natural and where you would learn to contribute something to a group--e.g., meetup events.

[Imajerk17]

Yes SD, all the steps suggested to you by everyone are scary and will put you in an unfamiliar-uncomfortable situation. You'll approach the girl and she might blow you off. You'll go to the meet-up event and it might suck. C'est la vie. At the end of the day, you have to make the leap.

[ja123]

I really don't get it at all.

 

After all these years of experience and hearing / reading about others, I've only learned what doesn't work.

 

I've learned that chasing a girl who has no interest in you is doomed to failure.

 

That it's basically impossible to actually make somebody like you. Either they do or they don't.

 

Odds are a woman isn't going to fall for a man like which men commonly do. So hoping she'll come around eventually is foolish.

 

If a woman isn't physically attracted to you, nothing will ever happen.

 

So with those out of the way, how are things supposed to work?

 

From what I gather, two people have to meet and both have to be attracted to each other. Though that's easier said then done since men are more easily 'impressed' then women are. I've also heard that women know in less then a minute if the guy has any possibility for dating/sex, though it may take much longer to get the 'no' out of her, which is just wasted time and energy from the guy. So it basically comes down to luck if the woman considers the guy attractive. And even then more things need to happen.

 

It almost feels like you're throwing dice if the woman is attracted to you or not. If you're a good looking guy or really know how to play the game, the two dice only need to add up to five. And for somebody like me, I need them to hit at least 10. Which hasn't happened yet and I'm turning 31 in three months

 

So is that it? The only way dating works is to ask out lots and lots of girls till one decides you're good enough to F ? Which basically means that my own preferences are nothing more than a hindrance.

 

Yeah, I'm sure if I wanted to, or actually didn't care at all, I could end up with a woman I have zero attraction to, have zero things in common with and can barely stand her personality; but because she liked me, it was the only that mattered.

 

Please tell me there is something better.

 

 

That's not true for me, about a woman deciding in 1 minute about a guy. I met a guy last fall and I really didn't think twice about him, but then a couple of months later we went out and had so much fun that I felt comfortable with him and became interested in him. It was the type of no-pressure-this-isn't-a-date date where we could just be ourselves and laugh.

 

I'd suggest becoming involved in groups, meetups, or activities that interest you and then see who you might meet in a no-pressure kind of way. Perhaps by seeing things differently and not having expectations then you can relaxed and be yourself. Not caring either way about getting "the" girl, gives one a natural sense of self-confidence, which is attractive to others. It also takes the pressure off everyone and let's others be themselves, too.

 

From there, things can progress in a natural, organic way ... and you can take the time to get to know someone to see if she might be the right match for you.

 

[jobaba]

These threads are entertaining. That's part of the reason why everybody keeps reading them.

 

Honestly, guys like SD make me kind of sad. There's so many 18 and 19 year old kids who have no problems getting relationships. I mean, yeah, he's got an attitude and is a loner, but the guy has been kicked around at the bottom of the social ladder his whole life. There's many people who have all kinds of mental issues who have no trouble entering into relationship after relationship.

 

He's just going to get more bitter, maybe to the point where it starts to affect other areas of his life. At this point, he's going to harbor some bitterness for the rest of his life.

 

The reality SD, is that, nobody cares if you really get a GF or not. The woman you are obsessing for doesn't give a sh@t if you are alive or dead and probably hasn't thought of you in over a year.

 

I wish there was something I could do. I wish I were woman so there is something I could do.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

So is that it? The only way dating works is to ask out lots and lots of girls till one decides you're good enough to F ? Which basically means that my own preferences are nothing more than a hindrance.

 

Someone probably said it before but you make it sound as if you were looking for sex only in a quite desperate way. I know the first thing crossing your mind is "no I don't, I'm a nice guy, I'm looking for a serious relationship" blabla. But if you ACT like your statement above (and you probably do) most women will realize this quickly, even the ones you deem with zero attraction/things in common etc.

 

Unless being desperate (which means your mindset / thinking dictates you otherwise) men and women alike typically decide faster than 1 min whether or not they will have sex with someone (smell!!!). Its basic biology. However, if the decision is yes it might happen fast, at a later point (even much later) or never. If the decision is no it will usually never happen.

[Meeks7]

Online dating is bad enough as it is for men, and I'm not exactly a top specimen. I've tried speed dating a couple of times, it was a complete failure. I've never seen any single meetups, though I have gone to a few single's meeting at church a few years ago.

 

Keep trying. Try again. Be persistent. Don't just give up

 

 

False:

 

Do you really think I'd tell a girl that? The only thing Dani knew is that I liked her and wanted a girlfriend.

 

You didn't tell her verbally, of course. But you probably communicated it to her non-verbally in various forms as time went on.

 

Just because you don't tell a girl something, doesn't mean that she doesn't find out over time (by piecing together different bits of info she picks up over time). Especially since you said you and her were friends for 2 years. You can find out a lot about a person in 2 years.

 

False:

 

I can hardly doubt what I did to Dani can be called smothering. I was always sure to give her lots of space. Can you argue otherwise?

 

Why bother? All I'll say is she was cancelling hang outs toward the end of the friendship, and you kept texting her. Texting her multiple times before she would even respond to you ONCE.

 

You were/are obsessed with her, and it clearly showed. Again, you admit there are things you don't know. I don't think you know what constitutes as "clingy." Yet you act here like you do.

 

When everyone was telling you in the thread that you were pushing Dani's buttons and patience, you didn't listen. You kept charging ahead like a bull in a china shop before things blew up.

 

I'm not going to say anything more. Your posts about Dani speak for itself.

 

 

They may be obvious to you, but not to me. If they were, I wouldn't have bothered asking them.

 

Do you know how much having friends in real life would help you, and how you could run all these issues by them and get real, instant feedback?

 

But keep pretending that by doing nothing you'll somehow land a GF one magical day that will fix everything missing in your life.

[zengirl]

Yes, D absolutely knew you had a crush on her. There's no way she wouldn't and several of your stories show she knew and was uncomfortable with it.

 

What I don't think you or anybody is aware of, is that I extremely emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted. Often that manifests as physical exhaustion, as no matter how many hours I sleep, I'm still tired most of the day. Some days I just lay in bed in the middle of the day because I'm just to tired to do anything. I'm pretty sure that it's all mental.

 

Basically, I'm running on empty.

 

Being depressed is not your fault and is nothing to be ashamed of. Using depression you know you have as a crutch instead of doing what needs to be done (therapy, meds, and/or diet & lifestyle changes) to push past it is your fault, though. I've suffered from periodic depression, though most of my life, the bigger demon has been anxiety. Anxiety still lurks around every corner, and I ward it off with great effort, but it's absolutely worth it. If you want to overcome anything, you have to put in effort, sometimes a lot of it. But it's all your choice.

 

You choose to stay stagnant and then get surprised when years pass and you're in the same place. As Imajerk says, you have to take a leap if you want anything to change. It won't be comfortable. Change never is, but all growth and progress is a type of change.

 

Another thing I noticed from your posts is you give up easily, and lack conflict resolution skills. Do you know what a major turn off this is to females? It's probably another reason why Danielle ended the friendship. You simply lack communication skills.

 

SD, you lack many, many basic social skills. And I am talking basic. You consistently say and tell stories of yourself doing things that illustrate this. I know you don't believe us for some reason and think you act perfectly fine or that you act fine enough no one would know. That kind of denial keeps you stagnant. I cannot express how important social skills are to women, especially in selecting who they date. Definitely more important than height, which you always harp on. I know far more short guys who do well with women than men without social skills who do. The thing that most hinders you is something you could absolutely change, but you are so far behind now and growing farther behind every day, that it will take time and work and effort and you'll have to build a community and make friends and so forth, which gets harder as you get older. I do fear time for you will run out one day. It's sad to watch. Truly.

 

So if Beth decides to leave you one day, without any warning, you'd smile and happily help her back her bags?

 

You cannot compare a lopsided friendship to a real relationship like Meeks had, first of all. At any rate, people rarely smile when dumped, but most accept it. Certainly it is unhealthy to dwell on it for months, especially when it was never a relationship. Perhaps if someone left you after a 10 year marriage without warning, dwelling on it for months might be understandable (still unproductive, but people would get it) but you were never in any kind of R with D. Yes, it's sad to lose a friend too, but you are far too attached and extremely selfish about it -- that kind of attachment is generally selfish.

 

Why would a girl want to date me? Since I have no experience in relationships, I don't think I can give a complete answer. So I'll turn it around and ask you, or anybody else reading, why would a girl not want to date me?

Why am I time bomb?

I'm not looking for a magic girl.

 

Essentially: You are the kind of guy (extremely poor social skills, immature, no idea how Rs work, etc) that basically makes guys with no experience a liability. I do not think all men with no experience are a liability, but it is hard to sort them out so I always viewed them as such unless I knew them. But you are a perfect profile of the guy who's a liability. You're not equipped with any of the tools (social skills and maturity, mostly) that make a relationship work. I could see someone like TW making a R work on his first try, at least to the point of where it didn't go awry because of something like that, because he actively cultivates those skills in ways he can, despite not having R skills.

 

I'm using comparison, simply because it's the only way I feel I can illustrate to you that it's NOT just a lack of experience that's a problem: it's a lack of a teachable spirit, a lack of willingness to try, a lack of maturity, a lack of social skills, a lack of empathy and ability to see outside your own perspective. . . so many things that you just aren't trying to cultivate. No woman wants to be your coach in those areas, certainly not for a 31 year old man. A man without experience who was his own coach and moving himself along would fare better.

 

ETA: This is, by the way, the last I'll say. SD, I do hope you act before it's too late. But there doesn't seem to be any use continuing to try to help you. You resist anyone who does.

Edited June 20, 2012 by zengirl

[somedude81]

I don't like skipping over posts but I just have to address this now.

 

But you are a perfect profile of the guy who's a liability. You're not equipped with any of the tools (social skills and maturity, mostly) that make a relationship work. I could see someone like TW making a R work on his first try, at least to the point of where it didn't go awry because of something like that, because he actively cultivates those skills in ways he can, despite not having R skills.

So you're saying that I couldn't make a relationship work on my first try but ThaWholigan could?

 

That's a big statement to make.

 

Why do you think it's something he could do, while I wouldn't be able to?

 

Lets say that I did get into a relationship with Dani, do you think I wouldn't try to make it work? That I would be completely selfish and I wouldn't become more mature? What else do you think I would our wouldn't do?

 

Yes, D absolutely knew you had a crush on her. There's no way she wouldn't and several of your stories show she knew and was uncomfortable with it.

Of course she knew. Did I say something that suggested otherwise?

 

The first time we spent together off-campus was an official date. We've had a few conversations about me liking her over time. I was not going to let her pretend that I didn't like her, but I was also very low pressure about it.

 

Now that I look back, I probably should have fallowed Green/Dust's advice and tried to make an actual move. That would have sped everything up, instead of dragging it out. If the outcome was going to be the same, then why not go out with a bang?

Edited June 20, 2012 by somedude81

[zengirl]

Oy, okay one more, since you asked real questions:

 

I don't like skipping over posts but I just have to address this now.

 

So you're saying that I couldn't make a relationship work on my first try but ThaWholigan could?

 

That's a big statement to make.

 

Well, tbh, almost no one makes a R work, as in "become their ultimate R" on their 1st try. I more meant you couldn't even make a R functional, but someone like him could, despite the same level of 'experience' in Rs. Even if he was 31 and had the same inexperience marks against him as you do at your age. The inexperience marks are there because women know better than to get involved with inexperienced men, because they often don't have the tools needed to make a R function -- you do not. That's not to say many inexperienced men don't have those tools -- some do, but you are not one of them.

 

Why do you think it's something he could do, while I wouldn't be able to?

 

Because he actively works on creating a positive attitude, stronger social skills, greater empathy, more rapport with people, etc, etc. Just look at the differences in the things he posts! I'm sure he has his own obstacles to overcome, as I said, but I think he's actively interested in doing so.

 

Lets say that I did get into a relationship with Dani

 

No. Never going to happen. Stop even imagining it hypothetically - that is super not healthy. This extended fixation on one woman who turned you down and then got so frustrated she had to cut all contact is another sign of your immaturity.

 

do you think I wouldn't try to make it work?

 

It doesn't matter what you would try THEN. You'd be going in without anything you need, because you haven't done the work required.

 

This is like saying, "If they put me on the Olympic team, don't you think I'd try!" when someone is still advising you begin practicing at a basic, beginner level because you haven't mastered that. You have to do the work FIRST (and without any guarantee of ultimate success) so you have the tools you need, going in.

 

That I would be completely selfish and I wouldn't become more mature? What else do you think I would our wouldn't do?

 

I don't think you're selfish in a devious way. I just think you have no concept of other people, social skills, empathy, etc. All of this needs to be developed, along with maturity. And you're also entitled, which is why you act so lazily. All of these are maturity issues. No woman wants to help you mature to the level you should already be at anyway when there are plenty of men around who are there (or frankly when it's better to be alone than be with someone like that) --- that would be a 'magic girl' and that's why Meeks said no magic girl is coming.

 

Of course she knew. Did I say something that suggested otherwise?

 

Above, it seemed like you suggested she didn't, but it was unclear what you meant.

[Meeks7]

SomeDude,

You constantly, as I've observed, defend yourself and cast aside people's suggestions and advice. If only you put in half the effort in self-improvement as you do posting on Loveshack -- imagine how far along you would be!

 

Zengirl makes a lot of good points. Of course, rather than digest any of it in, you come back defensive asking YET MORE questions.

 

It's good to ask questions, but you ask way too many without applying the answers. You just go on to ask more ?'s and more ?'s while ignoring the issues at hand. That's why you have not grown at all, and find yourself in the same situation year after year. Zen is also right in that it's only going to get worse for you the longer you wait. As hard as it may seem now at 30, imagine how much harder it will be when you're an "old" 35, 38, 40, etc. Now is the time to start your NEW self improvement journey

 

Beth suggested I post one last thing to you. Sort of my final attempt to show you how I, a guy much like you in my younger years, turned it around. After that, you're on your own. I may post in a new thread later today

[jobaba]

 

You cannot compare a lopsided friendship to a real relationship like Meeks had, first of all. At any rate, people rarely smile when dumped, but most accept it. Certainly it is unhealthy to dwell on it for months, especially when it was never a relationship. Perhaps if someone left you after a 10 year marriage without warning, dwelling on it for months might be understandable (still unproductive, but people would get it) but you were never in any kind of R with D. Yes, it's sad to lose a friend too, but you are far too attached and extremely selfish about it -- that kind of attachment is generally selfish.

 

 

You cannot tell a person that their hurt is unjustified and what they should feel though. I would definitely say part of the reason he is so hung up on D is because he's never had anybody. But, I have been through both unrequited love in a lopsided friendship and breakups and the pain of the unrequited love has been far greater. Always.

 

Sometimes, it's impossible to expunge these thoughts from our heads, even though we know they are nonsensical. And then, when you post on anonymous message boards, the truth comes out.

 

But what you can do is go about daily activities and not let it affect your life.

[zengirl]

You cannot tell a person that their hurt is unjustified and what they should feel though.

 

I think clinging to hurt is unjustified and getting that attached to someone you've not had a relationship with, to the degree you would call it one, is immature. Honestly, I don't think any emotions are "justified" though people will feel what they feel. I do think we can choose to indulge certain feelings or not.

 

I don't disagree that unrequited love is hard, though I'd say it's rarely actual love. It's the desire to possess a projection of the person you've created in your mind, which makes it dangerous, hard, and rather terrible to indulge in.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't like skipping over posts but I just have to address this now.

 

So you're saying that I couldn't make a relationship work on my first try but ThaWholigan could?

 

That's a big statement to make.

 

Why do you think it's something he could do, while I wouldn't be able to?

 

He is self - aware.

 

He is working towards positive change.

 

He leads an active and diverse life.

 

He does not spend his time here on LS rationalizing and justifying ill conceived behavior and ideas.

 

Not to say he is "better" than you are - but he is much more evolved in the ways that contribute to being in a relationship.

 

You will deny this - as you have several times before - but you don't have any idea what having a "relationship" of ANY kind (including friendships - even online friendships) really entails. It's not all about finally getting a hole filled (haha, figuratively and literally). It's not.

 

When a girl realizes that's how you are thinking about a relationship and about her specifically, she will be OUT.

[fortyninethousand322]

You cannot tell a person that their hurt is unjustified and what they should feel though. I would definitely say part of the reason he is so hung up on D is because he's never had anybody. But, I have been through both unrequited love in a lopsided friendship and breakups and the pain of the unrequited love has been far greater. Always.

 

Sometimes, it's impossible to expunge these thoughts from our heads, even though we know they are nonsensical. And then, when you post on anonymous message boards, the truth comes out.

 

But what you can do is go about daily activities and not let it affect your life.

 

You know I think everyone feels hurt and disappointed at something in their lives. Probably a lot of things. The people who claim that they've let things go either a) are lying b) have put it in the back of their minds (i.e. they have busy lives and can't be bothered to dwell on anything too long) c) have just covered it up.

 

No one ever truly gets over things. They just say they do.

[jobaba]

I think clinging to hurt is unjustified and getting that attached to someone you've not had a relationship with, to the degree you would call it one, is immature. Honestly, I don't think any emotions are "justified" though people will feel what they feel. I do think we can choose to indulge certain feelings or not.

 

I don't disagree that unrequited love is hard, though I'd say it's rarely actual love. It's the desire to possess a projection of the person you've created in your mind, which makes it dangerous, hard, and rather terrible to indulge in.

 

I understand. But it's not his fault. He can't help it. Believe me. I've been there. It's not like he's contacting her and driving by her house (I hope not ).

 

We can't always control what our mind thinks, but we can control what actions our bodies take.

 

But it's good to slap him in the face and make him see the truth.

[zengirl]

You know I think everyone feels hurt and disappointed at something in their lives. Probably a lot of things. The people who claim that they've let things go either a) are lying b) have put it in the back of their minds (i.e. they have busy lives and can't be bothered to dwell on anything too long) c) have just covered it up.

 

No one ever truly gets over things. They just say they do.

 

Why do you believe no one truly accepts things? Acceptance is downright magical, really. I've been bitter, too. It's why I speak out so clearly against it --- I get the toxicity of it, as I am not a natural optimist (some are, lucky ones). I had to learn and grow to become an optimist, and the main thing I had to learn was acceptance.

 

Damn, is that stuff powerful. Sad that you don't believe in it. It seems like a lot on these boards cynics truly can't believe that everyone doesn't think like them.