How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[zengirl]

I understand. But it's not his fault. He can't help it. Believe me. I've been there. It's not like he's contacting her and driving by her house (I hope not ).

 

We can't always control what our mind thinks, but we can control what actions our bodies take.

 

But it's good to slap him in the face and make him see the truth.

 

I think our mind goes to where we indulge it. Neuroscience actually backs me up --- the more you engage in a behavior our thought, the stronger the neural pathways become, and the more likely you are to repeat. Thoughts can be an addiction too, and a hard one to break. The initial spark of his feelings is not his "fault" but choosing to continually indulge it is unhealthy.

 

When thoughts of someone you were obsessed with come up, if you want to move into a healthier phase and get over it, you stop yourself and recognize that the thoughts are unhealthy. Such 'fixing' may take the help of a therapist. I know CBT helped me with re-programming thought patterns. Some can do it on their own. But it is something you can consciously do. Your brain is just part of you, and a tool, not the whole of you. You don't have to follow the every whim of your every thought.

[fortyninethousand322]

Why do you believe no one truly accepts things? Acceptance is downright magical, really. I've been bitter, too. It's why I speak out so clearly against it --- I get the toxicity of it, as I am not a natural optimist (some are, lucky ones). I had to learn and grow to become an optimist, and the main thing I had to learn was acceptance.

 

Damn, is that stuff powerful. Sad that you don't believe in it. It seems like a lot on these boards cynics truly can't believe that everyone doesn't think like them.

 

Because it doesn't seem reasonable. Alcoholics never really get over being alcoholic, they just find ways to deal with it and work around it. I think it's easy for someone to distract themselves with new challenges and things in life and conclude that they've gotten over their problems. But since they don't ever actually have to deal with it they can't know for sure.

 

You can be an optimist about the future and still feel crummy about the past though. So I don't the two are related necessarily.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think our mind goes to where we indulge it. Neuroscience actually backs me up --- the more you engage in a behavior our thought, the stronger the neural pathways become, and the more likely you are to repeat. Thoughts can be an addiction too, and a hard one to break. The initial spark of his feelings is not his "fault" but choosing to continually indulge it is unhealthy.

 

 

A bit off the subject … but maybe not: I've read that people who have botox injections in the "frown lines" between their brows experienced an uplifted mood simply because they were not able to go around with a frown on their face anymore.

 

Neural pathways are pretty powerful.

 

Where's that needle?

[jobaba]

I think our mind goes to where we indulge it. Neuroscience actually backs me up --- the more you engage in a behavior our thought, the stronger the neural pathways become, and the more likely you are to repeat. Thoughts can be an addiction too, and a hard one to break. The initial spark of his feelings is not his "fault" but choosing to continually indulge it is unhealthy.

 

When thoughts of someone you were obsessed with come up, if you want to move into a healthier phase and get over it, you stop yourself and recognize that the thoughts are unhealthy. Such 'fixing' may take the help of a therapist. I know CBT helped me with re-programming thought patterns. Some can do it on their own. But it is something you can consciously do. Your brain is just part of you, and a tool, not the whole of you. You don't have to follow the every whim of your every thought.

 

Hmmm...

 

Maybe I'll look into that for myself.

 

As an insomniac, I've tried to harness the power of the mind many times. Not an easy task.

[zengirl]

Hmmm...

 

Maybe I'll look into that for myself.

 

As an insomniac, I've tried to harness the power of the mind many times. Not an easy task.

 

Absolutely not an easy task, I'd agree. Rarely is anything worth doing easy, though.

 

Insomnia is a bitch. I used to have insomnia and near-constant anxiety. For most of my life, really. It's only in the past few years that I've been freed, and it was with a LOT of effort and trial and error. My insomnia was linked to anxiety, so it's mostly gone away.

 

Some insomnia is not, of course, and no idea what the cure could be then. Hubby has insomnia a lot, but he's perfectly okay with it. His brain just isn't much for sleeping, but he rarely gets sleepy or minds the lack of sleep either.

[jobaba]

Absolutely not an easy task, I'd agree. Rarely is anything worth doing easy, though.

 

Insomnia is a bitch. I used to have insomnia and near-constant anxiety. For most of my life, really. It's only in the past few years that I've been freed, and it was with a LOT of effort and trial and error. My insomnia was linked to anxiety, so it's mostly gone away.

 

Some insomnia is not, of course, and no idea what the cure could be then. Hubby has insomnia a lot, but he's perfectly okay with it. His brain just isn't much for sleeping, but he rarely gets sleepy or minds the lack of sleep either.

 

Yea, mine is/was anxiety based too.

 

I used to not be able to sleep before big tests, interviews, and big social events. I still get it but it's a lot less common now. I was mostly able to beat it by just becoming less anxious from socializing a lot more and just doing a lot more.

 

For SD, I think if he takes action and is able to snag a GF, that will change his mentality. Not only help to erase the memory of D, but increase his self confidence.

 

I think overcoming a lot in our minds can mostly be done by doing. That and Ambien CR.

[Imajerk17]

You cannot tell a person that their hurt is unjustified and what they should feel though. I would definitely say part of the reason he is so hung up on D is because he's never had anybody. But, I have been through both unrequited love in a lopsided friendship and breakups and the pain of the unrequited love has been far greater. Always.

 

Sometimes, it's impossible to expunge these thoughts from our heads, even though we know they are nonsensical. And then, when you post on anonymous message boards, the truth comes out.

 

But what you can do is go about daily activities and not let it affect your life.

 

Well, I will tell you a story from my own life. It's painful and embarrassing, but as I think it could help SD, here goes.

 

I went through a somewhat similar experience as SD back a decade ago. I was working out in the university gym at the time and there was this stunner. I mean, she is to this day the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Well, anyway, I approach her and I get her number!

 

We go out on a date--I bought her dinner and didn't even get a kiss goodnight. When I call her for a second date, she gets back to me letting me know that it was great meeting me, but she just got back with her ex.

 

Relevant background: I was really inexperienced and insecure around women at the time. And I saw J all the time at the university gym. So what did I do: Yes, I tried to stay "friends" with J. Our "friendship" was one-sided and consisted of me really working hard to make a good impression on her. Every time I saw her I went up and chatted with her for a few minutes. I probably came across as a bit nervous, but man, seeing her and all her physical perfection, in that tight spandex and tank-top sweating away.... I just couldn't help it. We just had one date but seeing her and putting all of that energy into her just got me in deeper and deeper.

 

For a while--the rest of the academic year maybe, our interactions were pleasant and she was nice. Problems started when I tried to take things to the next level--calling and emailing J a couple of times. Finally she told me that she was uncomfortable with my attention and to stop. Then in the next few months I saw her get palsy-walsy with a bunch of new guy friends in the gym.

 

I have since had relationships and I have had breakups, and those ending hurt on a deeper level because those were real two-sided affairs and someone whom I shared so much with was leaving my life. I have also come to see that there will be a lot of first dates that go nowhere for a myriad of reasons. But man, nothing and I mean NOTHING pounded my ego into hamburger more thoroughly than my experience with J. Nothing. It seemed so unfair at the time. I bought J dinner! I was nothing but nice to her! And she tells me to get lost like I was some creep. It took me a long long while to get completely over that.

 

Well, I wasn't ever a creep. I was selfish at the time in that I needed J maybe as SD needed D. But really, aren't most of us selfish that way at some point. I'm not justifying anything... I just did the best I could at the time with J and I'm sure SD just did the best he could with D.

 

Anyway, I really wrote a lot here. I learned my lessons from my experience with J. I also realized that I needed to become a stronger cooler person or there would be more J's in my life just as that one was in mine, and I didn't want that. My point is that you can't trivialize someone's pain--because SD's experience probably did really hurt, but also SD, you got to stop wallowing. Staying down as you are won't help you next time.

Edited June 20, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Els]

-Edit- Never mind, none of my business.

 

BTW, zengirl, interesting piece about insomnia. I've been struggling to cure mine for over a decade now. If you could PM me on how specifically you went about it, I'd be eternally grateful.

Edited June 21, 2012 by Elswyth

[Anela]

I don't expect you to settle.

 

I've asked you things at times, that concern my version of your settling, and you get stroppy - that's just what any woman who is told that she should settle, is going to get like with you. Unless she's in a good mood, and just laughs it off.

 

For some reason, you would expect me to settle, but I don't expect that of you. Your love life is your business, but I do see what the others are saying: you're shooting yourself in the foot by expecting someone to settle for you. You deserve better than that, as do the rest of us.

 

I just wish that you would realize that it can be just as hard for a lot of women out there - it has been for me, for a few reasons. I've been shown in many ways that I'm not good enough, but you and other men seem to think that I could have my pick of men. Maybe I could if my own confidence hadn't been bashed around so much, but then you and others would have to admit that confidence and personality factor into it, just as much as looks.

 

I really hope that you sort something out. I'm trying, even though I don't feel like it a lot of the time, and it isn't just relationships for me, it's everything.

 

I also believe that you don't mean to turn all of these threads into a thread about you; you just happen to be the guy in the thread at the time, who represents what others on the forum believe, so you were posting your concerns, and we responded. I should have bumped this thread instead.

[jobaba]

 

I just wish that you would realize that it can be just as hard for a lot of women out there - it has been for me, for a few reasons. I've been shown in many ways that I'm not good enough, but you and other men seem to think that I could have my pick of men. Maybe I could if my own confidence hadn't been bashed around so much, but then you and others would have to admit that confidence and personality factor into it, just as much as looks.

 

 

Don't feel bad.

 

We are a product of what we see and observe. So if a guy here sees women posting about how they go on many dates and reject them because they just don't feel it with the guy and all the guys here are posting about how they can't get any woman to go on a date with them and face rejection, that is what they will believe the situation is. Add to that the fact that the female pariah of LS has had more relationships and sex than all of the Loveable Losers combined and you see how they come to that conclusion.

 

I recognize some gals have it tough. I also recognize that a lot of men have absolutely no trouble getting any women. So, I sympathize.

[somedude81]

I don't expect you to settle.

 

I've asked you things at times, that concern my version of your settling, and you get stroppy - that's just what any woman who is told that she should settle, is going to get like with you. Unless she's in a good mood, and just laughs it off.

My biggest issue, is that when people talk of men settling, all they are really saying is that he should go for a heavier woman. And for many men, there is just no physical attraction to those women.

 

The very thought of being in a relationship with somebody I have no attraction for is very depressing. It's just not something I'm going to do. And I thank you for not expecting me to.

 

For some reason, you would expect me to settle, but I don't expect that of you. Your love life is your business, but I do see what the others are saying: you're shooting yourself in the foot by expecting someone to settle for you. You deserve better than that, as do the rest of us.

If only that were that case.

 

I know I'm not the ideal man. I've also had horrible luck with woman. Essentially, every girl who was not in a relationship when I asked her out, believed that she was too good for me. As I said before, I know I'm not the ideal man, but I also know that I'm far from the bottom, I am not undatable and a woman can do much, much worse than being with me.

 

If a woman lowered her standards and settled for me, she could end up really enjoying herself.

 

From what I see on this forum, women have a huge number of requirements in men. So many of them have absolutely no relevance to how good of a partner that man would be. Of course there is no way to convince a woman to loosen her requirements, and all I can do is try to find a woman who doesn't have her head in the clouds.

 

 

I just wish that you would realize that it can be just as hard for a lot of women out there - it has been for me, for a few reasons. I've been shown in many ways that I'm not good enough, but you and other men seem to think that I could have my pick of men. Maybe I could if my own confidence hadn't been bashed around so much, but then you and others would have to admit that confidence and personality factor into it, just as much as looks.

The amount of women that have expressed having dating problems is extremely small. It basically comes down to out of people that are unable to find somebody to date, only 1 out of 10 are women. So yes, some women do have it just as hard, but it's no where close to a lot of women.

 

I think I've asked this before, but have you posted about what your problems are? How about making a thread?

 

I really hope that you sort something out. I'm trying, even though I don't feel like it a lot of the time, and it isn't just relationships for me, it's everything.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what I need to sort out, and see if it's even possible to fix.

I also believe that you don't mean to turn all of these threads into a thread about you; you just happen to be the guy in the thread at the time, who represents what others on the forum believe, so you were posting your concerns, and we responded. I should have bumped this thread instead.

Of course that is not my intention.

 

I post something relevant to the topic. Somebody makes a reply to me, I reply back and somehow I end up the main topic of discussion.

[MooBear]

I've also heard that women know in less then a minute if the guy has any possibility for dating/sex, though it may take much longer to get the 'no' out of her, which is just wasted time and energy from the guy. So it basically comes down to luck if the woman considers the guy attractive.

 

Really? Less than a minute? It's always taken me a few hours. I know if I find them attractive right away but whether I want to date/sleep with a guy comes down to having a good conversation and him making me laugh!

[Badsingularity]

believed that she was too good for me.

 

 

I used to think the same thing when I was younger and didn't know what I was doing.

 

It's not that they think they are too good for you. It's simply that they don't FEEL any attraction or chemistry for you.

 

If you could develope the traits I always talk about in my posts to guys in your situation, you would find that many women would feel that attraction for you.

[zengirl]

My biggest issue, is that when people talk of men settling, all they are really saying is that he should go for a heavier woman. And for many men, there is just no physical attraction to those women.

 

How is settling in that way any different than settling in any other way? I agree that the thought of being in a R without physical attraction (or mental attraction or emotional attraction, as all are combined in my schema, as myself and I believe many women do experience these things as a holistic kind of attraction) is terrible. I would not suggest anyone do that, as Anela said.

 

But why would you suggest someone settle for you if they were not attracted to you or you didn't have the traits they desire? Your obsession with heaviness is strange to me, as though the worst thing a person can be is heavy. I'm actually not typically attracted to heavier guys, but I've been surprised before and found some okay to look at. I can think of far bigger turnoffs in the world, and so can most women AND men I meet. Understand that this obsession is your particular big turnoff (which is fine, to a degree - the problem is the way you fixate on it and constantly act as though heavy people are some kind of beasts or something, when many heavy women and men are in good Rs, many of them with men or women who are not heavy!). It's a really bizarre criteria to act as though it's universal.

 

I would say some criteria is almost universal, though not really, like not being abusive, but most is not, including weight.

 

I know I'm not the ideal man. I've also had horrible luck with woman. Essentially, every girl who was not in a relationship when I asked her out, believed that she was too good for me. As I said before, I know I'm not the ideal man, but I also know that I'm far from the bottom, I am not undatable and a woman can do much, much worse than being with me.

 

If a woman lowered her standards and settled for me, she could end up really enjoying herself.

 

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard said on these boards, SD (towards yourself and others). And it comes down to why comparison is so gross. I would never suggest someone settle for another who does not match their desires --- as you said earlier, it'd be depressing. More depressing than being alone, frankly.

 

That doesn't mean a person can't ever look at their desires and assess the relative wisdom of them. Many people can and do and find that they make less superficial choices as they age and mature. But everyone still has standards, they are just being refined and bettered through time.

 

From what I see on this forum, women have a huge number of requirements in men. So many of them have absolutely no relevance to how good of a partner that man would be.

 

Like?

 

I'm not really sure how you can suggest the qualities we've attempted to tell you to cultivate are not relevant to a R. Social skills and maturity directly relate to ALL interpersonal affairs.

 

The amount of women that have expressed having dating problems is extremely small. It basically comes down to out of people that are unable to find somebody to date, only 1 out of 10 are women. So yes, some women do have it just as hard, but it's no where close to a lot of women.

 

The math does not add up on this. I seriously doubt that 90% more women than men are in Rs.

[somedude81]

How is settling in that way any different than settling in any other way? I agree that the thought of being in a R without physical attraction (or mental attraction or emotional attraction, as all are combined in my schema, as myself and I believe many women do experience these things as a holistic kind of attraction) is terrible. I would not suggest anyone do that, as Anela said.

 

But why would you suggest someone settle for you if they were not attracted to you or you didn't have the traits they desire? Your obsession with heaviness is strange to me, as though the worst thing a person can be is heavy. I'm actually not typically attracted to heavier guys, but I've been surprised before and found some okay to look at. I can think of far bigger turnoffs in the world, and so can most women AND men I meet. Understand that this obsession is your particular big turnoff (which is fine, to a degree - the problem is the way you fixate on it and constantly act as though heavy people are some kind of beasts or something, when many heavy women and men are in good Rs, many of them with men or women who are not heavy!). It's a really bizarre criteria to act as though it's universal.

To me, an obese woman is the complete opposite of attractive.

 

As for my "obsession" with heaviness, I'd be happy if I never had to mention weight again. But when I say something about how a girl should give a guy a chance, some girl is always quick to point out that I should be giving overweight women a chance.

 

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard said on these boards, SD (towards yourself and others). And it comes down to why comparison is so gross. I would never suggest someone settle for another who does not match their desires --- as you said earlier, it'd be depressing. More depressing than being alone, frankly.

So it's gross that I think a woman should settle for me? Why is that? All I'm hoping for is somebody to lower their standards enough to give me a chance, and then she'd realize, "Oh, he's not as bad as I thought."

 

I really don't think that I'm so undateable that no woman could ever consider being in a relationship or having sex with me.

The math does not add up on this. I seriously doubt that 90% more women than men are in Rs.

That's not what I said.

 

Men are far more likely to have dating issues than women.

 

From what I've seen and experienced, women have a much easier time getting into and keeping a relationship, and more women seem to be OK being alone then men are. I've known quite a few girls that were in their 20's and had no interest in dating and sex even though they weren't asexual. Men aren't like that. It's rare to find a who isn't in a relationship or at least sleeping with somebody, who is happy.

[zengirl]

To me, an obese woman is the complete opposite of attractive.

 

To me, a man with poor social skills is the complete opposite of attractive. Seriously.

 

As for my "obsession" with heaviness, I'd be happy if I never had to mention weight again. But when I say something about how a girl should give a guy a chance, some girl is always quick to point out that I should be giving overweight women a chance.

 

Really? I didn't see Anela say that, and yet you persisted in saying it. You bring up weight a LOT when no one has mentioned it.

 

So it's gross that I think a woman should settle for me? Why is that? All I'm hoping for is somebody to lower their standards enough to give me a chance, and then she'd realize, "Oh, he's not as bad as I thought."

 

That is such a sad dynamic. Yes, it is gross to think that your standards are any different/better/more justified than anyone else's standards. It's entitlement, and entitlement is just yuck. That's what Anela was trying to say.

 

I really don't think that I'm so undateable that no woman could ever consider being in a relationship or having sex with me.

 

Never said you were.

 

I do think you have several qualities that make you FAR less dateable than you need to be for any kind of easy success and a nature that doesn't tend towards trying beyond the easier kinds of trying, so that's not a winning combination.

 

Men are far more likely to have dating issues than women.

 

I see no data to back up your assertion and instead think it is likely an ego-centric perspective, just because you have problems. There are many women on LS and off LS who have dating problems and many men who do not.

 

and more women seem to be OK being alone then men are.

 

Again, I see little data to this, and most contemporary studies suggest men are a bit more comfortable being single and alone than women are, which generally makes sense because they face less societal scorn for it.

 

I've known quite a few girls that were in their 20's and had no interest in dating and sex even though they weren't asexual. Men aren't like that. It's rare to find a who isn't in a relationship or at least sleeping with somebody, who is happy.

 

I would say men are, generally, more interested in sex than women but that doesn't mean they're more interested in relationships. Anyway, all of that is socialized. But I know loads of men who are happy even when not in Rs and who are less self-conscious about it than most women I know (many women, especially young women, ARE self-conscious when single, though you may not recognize the way that presents itself, not being a good 'reader' of people, and the same women who are self-conscious won't date a guy they don't dig because of it -- that's just a poor answer in general).

[Meeks7]

So it's gross that I think a woman should settle for me? Why is that? All I'm hoping for is somebody to lower their standards enough to give me a chance, and then she'd realize, "Oh, he's not as bad as I thought."

 

Why is it OK for the woman to lower her standards to give you a shot when you refuse to lower YOUR standards to give certain women a shot?

 

You expect the girl to lower her standards for you, but you constantly refuse to lower your standards to dating someone who does not fit your profile.

 

You refuse to date "fat" women yet have you ever thought that you might be the equivalent of a "fat" woman (in terms of qualities and skills) to girls?

 

And newsflash, loveshack is not (always) an accurate portrayal of the real world. Stop spending all your time obsessing over what females here post. Spend more time in the real world, less on the internet.

[MrNate 2.0]

Somedude, I'm going to tell you a story. When I was little and my mom put me to bed, I'd often ask her the following question:

 

"What if there was a sick person in a village in the middle of a snow storm and there were no doctors in the village and nobody could help him?"

 

My mom would say something like, "A plane will fly in and rescue the person" and I would say "No, it's snowing too hard for a plane", and then my mom would say "One of the people in the village will put the sick man on a sled and take him to a hospital" and I'd say "But there's no sleds in the village", and we would go on like that for hours, her thinking up ideas, me dismissing them. I think ultimately I was hoping for her to come up with some totally ingenious idea that I wouldn't be able to come up with a counter argument for. Well actually I'm not really sure what I was thinking. But of course I'm telling you this because your threads remind me of it.

 

I have a feeling you're going to probably stop posting soon because you feel people are critiquing you as a person in ways that are useless to you instead of giving you practical advice, but I think the issue is that you aren't giving the board new material to work with. You have your one Huge Unsolvable Problem, which I think can be summed up as:

 

 

 

And it's like this impossible catch 22. But I think if you put yourself out there in the world more, you could get new, smaller problems to bring to the board, like "I messaged all these girls on OK Cupid and no one answered me, what am I doing wrong?" and then the posters on this board could be helpful to you and it wouldn't be so frustrating. But there's really no practical advice anyone can offer for your Big Ultimate Problem, so all they can do is analyze why you have such a problem to begin with. What I'm saying is you need to develop smaller problems, the kind that crop up naturally when you're out and about doing stuff.

 

End thread.

[somedude81]

To me, a man with poor social skills is the complete opposite of attractive. Seriously.

So assuming you weren't married, you'd pass up a good looking, secure, hard working, kind and funny but occasionally socially awkward dude for a guy who is completely physically unattractive to you, there is nothing about him that you like and several things actually turn you off, but he's socially very capable and makes friends easily?

 

Really? I didn't see Anela say that, and yet you persisted in saying it. You bring up weight a LOT when no one has mentioned it.

It was in reference to a different thread.

 

Then look at the very next post after yours

 

Why is it OK for the woman to lower her standards to give you a shot when you refuse to lower YOUR standards to give certain women a shot?

 

You expect the girl to lower her standards for you, but you constantly refuse to lower your standards to dating someone who does not fit your profile.

Even though he doesn't mention fat women, it's obvious what he's talking about.

 

The basic point I want to get across, and for some reason many people have a problem understanding, is that I'd be perfectly fine with the average girl. All I want is somebody who is decent looking and doesn't have any glaring personality disorders. I don't need somebody who is a beauty queen or a girl who has huge breasts.

 

That is such a sad dynamic.

 

Yes, it is gross to think that your standards are any different/better/more justified than anyone else's standards. It's entitlement, and entitlement is just yuck. That's what Anela was trying to say.

Why is it sad?

 

I don't see how the rest of that post relates to what you quoted.

 

Never said you were.

 

I do think you have several qualities that make you FAR less dateable than you need to be for any kind of easy success and a nature that doesn't tend towards trying beyond the easier kinds of trying, so that's not a winning combination.

Can you explain how those qualities I'm lacking actually matter in a relationship?

 

People keep mentioning how important it is to have good social skills and a lot of friends, the problem that I'm having is that I can't understand how lacking in those areas would adversely affect the relationship.

[seachangeoflove]

So assuming you weren't married, you'd pass up a good looking, secure, hard working, kind and funny but occasionally socially awkward dude for a guy who is completely physically unattractive to you, there is nothing about him that you like and several things actually turn you off, but he's socially very capable and makes friends easily?

 

 

no, I would reject the socially akward dude and keep looking. Dating isn't an either or type of activity.

 

I actually went on a first date yesterday with a very, very attractive man. So attractive I wondered why he was going out with me, very average.

He asked me out via friends and I am aware of his job and know he must have a good deal of money so could totally get hot babes.

 

 

well, he was rude and incosiderate. he made snide and judgemental comments about the people in the coffee shop and didn't even let me get a word in during our three hour date. Seriously. All I said was "hmm" or nodded my head. He'd ask me something about one of my interests and as soon as I began he'd instantly start telling me all about it and how I could do it better etc...... he was very overbearing and I could tell he would be controlling.

 

 

He asked me out for a second date as I probably looked like I was hanging on to every word he said (but I was just counting his fillings)

 

I said "why do you want a second date with me? Such a handsome and sucessful man could do much better then me"

 

I thanked him for the date (coffee, he paid. then dessert, I paid) and now, just like prior to the date, I am single. There's no socially acceptable yet ugly guy waiting in the wings for me now.

 

Too bad

[Mme. Chaucer]

To me, an obese woman is the complete opposite of attractive.

 

As for my "obsession" with heaviness, I'd be happy if I never had to mention weight again. But when I say something about how a girl should give a guy a chance, some girl is always quick to point out that I should be giving overweight women a chance.

 

OH

 

 

MY

 

 

GOD.

 

SD:

 

WHY can you NOT GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD that women who do not find you attractive feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY about you as you do about the fatties? And the flatties?

 

WHY can't you understand that it is NOT ANY MORE WRONG for girls to reject you for any reason that they may have as it is for you to reject anybody for YOUR reasons?

 

I don't think anybody wants you to give fat girls a "chance," since you clearly find fat girls repugnant … UNLESS you persist in believing that for some strange reason, YOU deserve a "chance" from women who DO NOT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. In that case, you should date lots of fat women, in the name of fairness. And maybe the universe will kindly reward you by providing you with a date or two with girls who think you are completely unattractive.

 

Can you wrap your mind around this?

 

PLEASE RESPOND.

[seachangeoflove]

People keep mentioning how important it is to have good social skills and a lot of friends, the problem that I'm having is that I can't understand how lacking in those areas would adversely affect the relationship.

 

 

well, I for one wouldn't want to introduce a socially akward guy to my friends or family. They are potentially embarassing or worse. How do I know?

 

been there, done that, gott he t shirt. NO THANKS.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Originally Posted by somedude81

People keep mentioning how important it is to have good social skills and a lot of friends, the problem that I'm having is that I can't understand how lacking in those areas would adversely affect the relationship.

 

Yes, you repeat often that you don't understand it. But since all the people who date (frequently or rarely) have boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives keep saying this, it proves that it's true.

 

Whether you understand it or not.

[somedude81]

well, he was rude and incosiderate. he made snide and judgemental comments about the people in the coffee shop and didn't even let me get a word in during our three hour date. Seriously. All I said was "hmm" or nodded my head. He'd ask me something about one of my interests and as soon as I began he'd instantly start telling me all about it and how I could do it better etc...... he was very overbearing and I could tell he would be controlling.

Rude, inconsiderate, snide, judgmental, dominating a conversation.

 

None of those things can be applied to me at all.

 

well, I for one wouldn't want to introduce a socially akward guy to my friends or family. They are potentially embarassing or worse. How do I know?

I've also met the families and parents of a couple of girls that I've had crushes on, and I've never embarrassed them. I'm willing to be that I only left a good impression.

 

I'm starting to think that socially awkward wasn't the best way to describe what I am.

[Meeks7]

SomeDude, remember my offer to meet up with my friend's friend?

 

You have 24 hours to set it up with me.

 

After 24 hours, the offer is off the table for good. Never again will it be offered to you.

 

If you don't want to help yourself, then people really should stop trying to help you. You are what you are, and you will be what you will be...