How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[somedude81]

You've exausted the well, SD. What is it you're seeking about Dating and sex that hasn't already been discussed? Could your hunger for answers ever be sated?

There is no way I've heard everything, simply because every now and then I hear something new that really resonates with me.

Honestly, the remarks that people make towards SD come off as very condescending. I completely understand why he gets defensive. Everyone treats him like he is a social retard who needs his hand held to go to the grocery store. Everyone tells HIM it's not black & white...but everyone's advice to him is basically just that.

 

No advice on the internet is going to benefit him really, I don't think. He will learn by trial and error and he is obviously very adamant on what he wants to do--no one is going to change his mind. That's very, very clear. So, I don't understand why people don't give advice around that or just not bother. Everyone tells him mostly the same things over and over, either stop if it is so frustrating or adjust to the type of person he is.

Thank you veggirl!

 

You understand perfectly.

Anyway, I think taking a year to year and a half off thinking of dating / girls and focusing on finishing school and just letting the OTHER stuff happen would be a great idea. You will still be young, but you will have either all or most of your schooling behind you. Maybe you will naturally and organically develop some sort of relationships (friend or otherwise) by just going about your business. Put yourself out there when you have yourself put together.

I know taking a year off or so forgetting about women and dating may seem like a good idea, but it is just something I can not do. I can't will myself to be happy with how things are now. And yes I am hoping that things will just naturally happen. Though I'm still very afraid that I'll do or say something that screws the whole thing up.

 

I disagree that a man or woman needs a social circle or fab social skills to be in a relationship. I literally have a best friend and my sisters. That is my social circle, other than my boyfriend. He comments on how socially awkward I am! S.hit he just did this weekend when we had dinner with his grandparents, said I seemed uptight and weird! LOL. Cause I am! He is still with me, he is someone who has a large social circle, life of the party type of person. I have one friend!

And she does it again!

 

It never made sense to me why somebody needs to have a big social circle in order to have a significant other.

 

From what I gather, the most important reason to have other friends is so that you won't spend all your time with your SO and make them wish they had more space. That's not a problem with me as I'm simply not a clingy person. I have no problem entertaining myself.

[veggirl]

 

Thank you veggirl!

 

You understand perfectly.

 

I know taking a year off or so forgetting about women and dating may seem like a good idea, but it is just something I can not do. I can't will myself to be happy with how things are now. And yes I am hoping that things will just naturally happen. Though I'm still very afraid that I'll do or say something that screws the whole thing up.

 

I know you won't actually do it That's fine! Just carry on...honestly, you don't have so much to worry about. Once you are settled into a career / life path you will be fine. You will work in an office and make friends with your co-workers and go from there. I really think that. Biding your time sucks, but I *really* don't doubt you, I don't see you as being alone longterm.

 

 

It never made sense to me why somebody needs to have a big social circle in order to have a significant other.

 

From what I gather, the most important reason to have other friends is so that you won't spend all your time with your SO and make them wish they had more space. That's not a problem with me as I'm simply not a clingy person. I have no problem entertaining myself.

 

Well, now you will be told that *you* need a social circle because you lack social skills. I actually disagree with that, I don't think you are as socially awkward as people paint you to be on LS. You are blunt, but nervous. I can picture you around a girl you like. Some people truly are a victim of circumstance. You could be. But you are at least taking some steps to change that (school). You'll be fine...

[Cracker Jack]

Honestly, the remarks that people make towards SD come off as very condescending. I completely understand why he gets defensive. Everyone treats him like he is a social retard who needs his hand held to go to the grocery store. Everyone tells HIM it's not black & white...but everyone's advice to him is basically just that.

 

I do feel for SD because I think at the end of the day, he's just someone who's mentally tired from struggling with women his entire life. I also feel bad when I read some posts that say things like "You'll be doing the same crap when you're older" or something like that.

 

But if he keeps asking questions with more questions, people are going to come to the conclusion that he needs a play-by-play book in order to advance when it comes to this stuff, since he'd prefer to soak up all of this information rather than try to make something happen on his own. That's just the perception I'm getting.

 

No advice on the internet is going to benefit him really, I don't think. He will learn by trial and error and he is obviously very adamant on what he wants to do--no one is going to change his mind. That's very, very clear. So, I don't understand why people don't give advice around that or just not bother. Everyone tells him mostly the same things over and over, either stop if it is so frustrating or adjust to the type of person he is.

 

At the end of the day, that's pretty much how people are going to have to respond to SD. I'd hate to think no advice will help him, but 43 pages in, with countless other topics usually reaching the same length, it's really starting to look that way. No one here wants to see him stuck in the same position yrs down the line. That's why I'm convinced so many people haven't given up on him yet.

 

So, SD, any plans to push yourself a bit?

[Teknoe]

I have one friend!

 

Yeah, but the problem is, that's one more than SD.

 

I'm also willing to bet this one best friend you have... how long have you guys been best friends? At least a year, right? I have a feeling though that the answer is at least a couple years.

 

At least you have one friend, and not just any friend, but a BEST friend. SD doesn't have even one friend, let alone a bestie, and there's a big difference.

 

He doesn't need to have a BIG social circle, but he should have at least one good friend.

 

 

And she does it again!

 

You are seeking validation, and you get that with 3 posters: Jobaba, 49 and veggirl. It's not shocking that you're quick to like their posts, but never like the posts that you know, actually challenge you to look deeper in the mirror rather than patting you on the back.

 

With advice you don't like, you bury your head in the sand.

 

With posts that pat you on the back and say "You'll be alright. Just stay the course..." you like.

 

Quite frankly, staying the course would be a very dangerous thing for you.

 

It never made sense to me why somebody needs to have a big social circle in order to have a significant other.

 

You're missing the point. No one ever said you have to have a BIG social circle in order to have a GF. We're saying you need to develop your social skills and have SOME SORT of friendship(s). You can't be mr. lone ranger because then your social skills aren't being sharpened, they are only getting worse with time.

 

From what I gather, the most important reason to have other friends is so that you won't spend all your time with your SO and make them wish they had more space. That's not a problem with me as I'm simply not a clingy person. I have no problem entertaining myself.

 

You sure speak a good game, but you're not being honest. Where's my proof? Right here:

 

With a new feeling of happiness I called up the girl I like wanting to hang out. Unfortuantely she didn't answer and I left her a voice mail. About 30 minutes later I sent her a text. Then I sent her another text 5 hours later. And I still haven't heard from her.

 

Yeah, you're not a clingy person, all right. Not one iota.

 

Part of your problem is you don't know how to honestly assess yourself. Knowing who you are is a big part of the battle. I also see this manifest whenever you say you would make for great boyfriend material right now.

 

Your self-assessment needs some tweaking. You don't have to beat yourself up, but knowing the truth sets you free, too. I laugh at the belief that you are not clingy. You've already shown proof that you latch on way too easily, and without friends or an interest beyond girls, any poor girl who shows you attention right now would (eventually) get smothered by you.

 

Again, be honest, and know yourself. Right now, you're either in denial, or simply delusional. Neither are good places to be.

[ascendotum]

Honestly, the remarks that people make towards SD come off as very condescending. I completely understand why he gets defensive. Everyone treats him like he is a social retard who needs his hand held to go to the grocery store. Everyone tells HIM it's not black & white...but everyone's advice to him is basically just that.

I dont tune in to all all his posts/threads but seen a fair few and I agree with you. Though sometimes some of his questions about social interactions do make him seen more preplexed than one should be for his age, which I can understand because of the limited relationships but he has been on LS a fair while & posted alot.

 

No advice on the internet is going to benefit him really, I don't think. He will learn by trial and error and he is obviously very adamant on what he wants to do--no one is going to change his mind. That's very, very clear. So, I don't understand why people don't give advice around that or just not bother. Everyone tells him mostly the same things over and over, either stop if it is so frustrating or adjust to the type of person he is.

Spot on!

 

Anyway, I think taking a year to year and a half off thinking of dating / girls and focusing on finishing school and just letting the OTHER stuff happen would be a great idea.

I'm 50:50 on this. From a number of his posts I've seen recently, I think he should step back but for not quite so long and do this, but I also think its a real shame to put the blinkers on while he is at university/college (its a great environment for socialising). I think he should still do approaching but for fun, with no expectation, though I think that's easier said than done for him. (hi sd)

[ThaWholigan]

At the end of the day, nothing will help unless somedude actually goes out and does something, anything. That is the only point of the advice. I don't claim what I'm telling him is gospel, I'm just telling him what I've seen work, and given him resources alluding to such. He doesn't even have to do them if he doesn't want to, as long as he just does something. Maybe then he won't be asking the same questions.

 

Regarding the social skills aspect, there are nuances we don't know (body language and other such things), so we can only go by what he says on here, and honestly he paints himself as socially awkward without realising it. So either we're assuming correctly or he's misrepresenting himself, which may not be his fault.

Edited July 24, 2012 by ThaWholigan

[Els]

Honestly, the remarks that people make towards SD come off as very condescending. I completely understand why he gets defensive. Everyone treats him like he is a social retard who needs his hand held to go to the grocery store. Everyone tells HIM it's not black & white...but everyone's advice to him is basically just that.

 

I don't think you understand where Meeks, Teknoe, etc are coming from. Those guys have invested probably hundreds of hours into typing long, well thought-out posts to SD in which they bare their own souls and volunteer personal information and help. All of that is not done for their benefit. They are already happy with their lives and Meeks already has a LT gf whom he is deeply in love with. Sure, I'm sure some of their posts could have been worded better, but they are just so trapped in the healer/empathizer role that they are getting frustrated with how they are putting in so much effort to help someone who isn't putting in any effort at all himself.

 

SD's improvement does not benefit anyone else in this thread except himself. Yet those people are putting in all that time and effort helping him at his request even when sometimes all they get for their effort is a snub. I really don't think you understand what you're talking about, when you have spent far less time in his threads than the two of them (and countless others) have.

 

No advice on the internet is going to benefit him really, I don't think. He will learn by trial and error and he is obviously very adamant on what he wants to do--no one is going to change his mind. That's very, very clear. So, I don't understand why people don't give advice around that or just not bother. Everyone tells him mostly the same things over and over, either stop if it is so frustrating or adjust to the type of person he is.

 

Trial and error only happens when there is trial.

 

I think that every possibility has been exhausted when it comes to advice in an SD-thread - trust me, people have tried going around the issue. It goes for a little while, but eventually it just comes back to the huge elephant in the room. It's like a 300-lbs patient coming to you and asking for advice for his heart problems but refusing to stop eating 10 big macs a day. You could give him every advice in the world, but in the end it comes down to the fact that the solution is still to stop eating 10 big macs a day. There is little point in going around that, and there is little point in going around the fact that SD is extremely socially awkward, reclusive, inexperienced, unempathic, and unwilling to do anything to change that.

 

As for not bothering - well, do you think that will help him more than what they are currently doing? I did suggest once for everyone not to bother, but not only did everyone charge right past my suggestion, SD himself was affronted at my suggestion. So I don't think he wants people to stop either.

[Anela]

Honestly, the remarks that people make towards SD come off as very condescending. I completely understand why he gets defensive. Everyone treats him like he is a social retard who needs his hand held to go to the grocery store. Everyone tells HIM it's not black & white...but everyone's advice to him is basically just that.

 

Hey, I have been in his corner, and rooting for him, until he:

 

a) discounts my experience, just because I'm a woman. I couldn't possibly relate to him in any way, because it's apparently so easy for me.

and b) tells me that it's my own fault that I'm over thirty, and alone; that I should have known and accepted my "market value" when I was younger, and run out there and grabbed someone to marry when I had the chance.

 

I didn't even know that thirty-five was supposed to be such an awful age, until I came here just before my thirty-fifth birthday. I'm glad that I didn't know that when I was younger, otherwise my focus would have either been entirely on men, or not at all on them, having accepted my fate as a spinster at the age of twenty.

 

Despite things like this, I actually like SD, and would like to see him do well.

[iris219]

Yes, SD has some issues. We all do. But I've said it before--and SD has ignored me--I'm strongly believe SD would have MUCH better luck with women his own age. Actually, I don't think he'd have a hard time getting a date with a 30 year old.

 

I don't for a second think a 19 year old college girl will be interested in him, but this is who he insists on chasing. There's just no chance; he is setting himself up for failure, over and over again. It almost makes me think (and SD will dispute this, but if it's the case it would be subconscious) that he's chasing girls he knows he will never get so that he won't have to open up to anyone. He's terrified of letting anyone in.

 

SD, how many times, in the past 2 years have you pursued age appropriate women?

 

The excuse that young girls rejected you when you were young is not relevant. The young'uns are more likely to reject you know. You have nothing to offer them that a guy their own age couldn't offer. Why would they choose you? Most girls don't like older man, unless that older man brings money or interesting life experience to the table. Even then, many young girls will think he's creepy and avoid him.

 

Older woman look for and are attracted to different qualities in a man.

[Eclypse]

I was going to make a post similar to Veggirl's for a while today but I had no time as I was at work and she beat me to it.

 

How do I put this... yes SD frustrates me for a lot of the reasons you guys all describe but I really dislike the condescending nature of a lot of the posts here. Particularly Meeks / Teknoe. I understand what you guys were getting at initially, but with the way you word your posts it just sounds like you're treating Somedude like he's feeble and needs his hand held all the time. I know I would certainly get pissed off if someone talked to me like that. How many times have you all said you're not going to post in his threads anymore? I lost count a few months ago. I certainly hope that's not the way you sound when someone in RL asks you for advice because that would just be incredibly annoying. This is not a personal attack, but just something I've noticed on the boards.

 

Somedude, I think you're an ok guy. Really. You're just a bit prone to gaffes (like me). I can't remember how many times I've put my foot in my mouth. I think the way you've been portrayed as a monster is really over the top. Yeah you made mistakes with the girls you like. So does everyone. **** happens, what are you gonna do. Just stay the course, your drought's gonna break sometime soon.

[ascendotum]

^ (iris post) Personally I think he is better off going for the younger women, the ones who he is taking to on campus. Women 30+ are going to be expecting more out of a man (career, $, life experience, LTR history, self assurance), higher expectations for the purpose of a marriage prospect, and will have lost that happy go lucky 'just want to have fun' nature that would fit in with SD's lack of experience and his expectations for a gf.

[jobaba]

True, SD never takes advice the posters here give him...

 

...but to be fair neither do most posters here who complain about their love life. Either that, or they don't ask for criticism in the first place. At least SD welcomes it.

 

I mean, I have what I believe is constructive and good criticism for a number of members here, but none of them would ever take it.

 

Seems to me that is life. Everybody wants to give, give, give criticism. Nobody ever wants to take.

 

The ego and resistance to change are too powerful.

Edited July 24, 2012 by jobaba

[iris219]

^ (iris post) Personally I think he is better off going for the younger women, the ones who he is taking to on campus. Women 30+ are going to be expecting more out of a man (career, $, life experience, LTR history, self assurance), higher expectations for the purpose of a marriage prospect, and will have lost that happy go lucky 'just want to have fun' nature that would fit in with SD's lack of experience and his expectations for a gf.

 

Hey! Older women are fun!

 

There are plenty of older women who are a bit socially awkward and/or who don't have a lot of dating experience. Older women, in my experience, are more accepting of flaws, and many would be happy to go on date with SD and not expect marriage or a relationship. I see these sorts of women out all the time--they are just average women.

 

There are certain sets of older women who would, of course, be uninterested in SD. He should probably avoid highly driven, career women, for example.

 

SD has NO chance with a 19 year old. I think he has a good chance with an average, 30 something year old woman.

[Lonely Ronin]

...but to be fair neither do most posters here who complain about their love life. Either that, or they don't ask for criticism in the first place. At least SD welcomes it.

 

Problem is he gets combative and snotty with people who obviously have orders of magnitude more experience than him.

[SmileFace]

^ (iris post) Personally I think he is better off going for the younger women, the ones who he is taking to on campus. Women 30+ are going to be expecting more out of a man (career, $, life experience, LTR history, self assurance), higher expectations for the purpose of a marriage prospect, and will have lost that happy go lucky 'just want to have fun' nature that would fit in with SD's lack of experience and his expectations for a gf.

 

Yes but younger girls date older because they have bigger expectations. Why would anyone to date an aged "22" year old? Be serious.

[William]

My apologies to anyone who got caught up in the cleanup. On-topic and civil posting continues now.

[ThaWholigan]

I admire your attitude. But sometimes I think for guys like me and SD, it helps to have a chip on your shoulder. It makes you think you have to do more than the next guy to get sh@t done. I've lived half my life like that. That's the attitude I tried to instill in him.

 

Hey, it's worked. I've gotten what he wants. If I had been as (non)proactive as him, I'd be in the same situation as him. 5 years older and never having had anyone. I guarantee it.

I am the same as you guys. I've had a chip on my shoulder too (or in my brain should I say ). So I also work hard to improve on things, not just girl stuff either. I admire your doggedness, I think it's a similarity in the two of us, and I think it's an important trait to have.

 

I understand it completely.

[somedude81]

Yes, but what accounts for those orders of magnitude of experience?

 

Lets face it. Most of the people giving advice to SD are younger.

 

If in high school or at one of his many jobs, some semi-acceptable girl came up to him and said, "Hey, Somedude, I think you're cute!" or "My friend Betsy thinks you're cute.", then we're not having this conversation.

Do people have more dating experience because they are better people and that much better socially adept than SD, or because they are better looking and 5 inches taller, or happen to be a woman who has been approached?

 

SD is actually quite non-shallow. I've seen pictures of some women he'd likely accept who most men wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.

 

He's had a lot of tough luck in his life and gotten some tough breaks.

 

I agree he is frustrating to deal with, but I don't think he is anywhere as socially backward or as shallow of a guy as people make him out to be.

As weak as it is to say it, I feel like I've just had bad luck. I feel like the universe is trying to keep me single. I know I've had some impact on my life through the choices I made but the things outside of my control, seem to be the ones that determine if I'm alone or not.

 

All I really need is for somebody to give me a chance. And I know I'm not asking for a miracle because basically every other guy has gotten chances or "got lucky." If a girl showed discernible signs of being into me, I know how to act. But having a girl like me, is all about luck.

 

 

Hey! Older women are fun!

 

There are plenty of older women who are a bit socially awkward and/or who don't have a lot of dating experience. Older women, in my experience, are more accepting of flaws, and many would be happy to go on date with SD and not expect marriage or a relationship. I see these sorts of women out all the time--they are just average women.

 

There are certain sets of older women who would, of course, be uninterested in SD. He should probably avoid highly driven, career women, for example.

 

SD has NO chance with a 19 year old. I think he has a good chance with an average, 30 something year old woman.

First of all, I have no clue where to even meet a 30 year old woman. I do know where to meet 19-24 year old's.

 

Young woman who don't have dating experience and are awkward are pretty rare, women my age who don't have experience basically don't exist unless they are all living in the convent together.

 

Also I simply can't think of any reasons why an older woman would want to date me. We'd have basically nothing in common.

[AD1980]

While i agree sd needs to work on himself a little and get a circle of friends its hard to know from a far if thats the only reason he cant even get a first date..

 

Looks are a huge part in dating maybe these women he approaches just dont find him attractive physically and thats why he cant get a date maybe its not just because of womens suppsoenly amazing intuition..

 

My friends an arrogant dick but women love him because hes good looking alpha and and sucessful,sometimes its jut about no physical attraction not something deeper for people dont get chances to find someone

[somedude81]

I think a post of mine was accidentally taken out with the trash. Apologies if it's a double post.

 

Though thank you William for removing the rude posts.

 

 

 

So I'm re-reading this thread looking at tips that stand out. I went through half of the thread so far.

----------------

 

Keep trying and experiment with lots of girls

 

Don't build up expectations and attachments to asking her out

 

Don't initiate communication with her too much, more than she is

 

Start by just talking more with women you naturally come into contact with in your every day life, whether or not you are attracted to them. Just make a conscious decision to interact with people more. And practice it.

 

One guy said that I should randomly approach 10 girls and two might give me their number. (No mention of how many of those two would go on a date with a stranger)

 

Develop social capital

 

Work on your inner life so that you're more interesting to people. (Somehow I have to become more interesting to women so they can start considering me as somebody worthy of dating them.)

 

---------

Just saw this post from Zengirl

 

Hubby was playing GTA 4 the other day, and you have to do the date scenarios with that Michelle girl to get her "like value" up high enough for missions to unlock, and it made me think: This is NOT how dating and sex things really work. I mean, I think most guys who play video games know that stuff, but maybe some really don't. There is no, "You do this, and that stat raises, and success happens."

Man I wish that was true and with a visible meter too. That way I would know where I stand with the girl and can see the effect my actions have on her.

-------

This post makes me feel very uneasy but there is a certain air of truth to it.

In this day and age, relationships often start with sex. Anyway, isn't the cliche that the girl has casual sex hoping it'll turn into a relationship, but the guy just wants to hook up? I don't think you should be concerned that a girl will just use you for a hookup and you won't be able to parlay it into a relationship if you want one.

------

You have been doing it backwards. Find any woman that likes you and try her out as a relationship possibility (that is the definition of dating). Repeat this process every few months until you find a girl who likes you that is acceptably attractive and who you like to spend time with. However, your first priority should be finding any girl that finds you attractive and wants a relationship with you. You don't get to choose who you want until after they have gotten the woman to like you.

I think that is how most people do date. But getting a girl to like me is harder than it seems, or is the girl supposed to like me from the start?

[Lonely Ronin]

All I really need is for somebody to give me a chance. And I know I'm not asking for a miracle because basically every other guy has gotten chances or "got lucky." If a girl showed discernible signs of being into me, I know how to act. But having a girl like me, is all about luck..

 

Listen to what I and other have told you time and time again. You control your own future. You don't need to be given a chance, you need to make them. You need to put yourself into a position to meet people (not just women), and you're not doing it. You need to go out to coffee shops, the gym, social gatherings, a friends party, happy hour, whatever and meet and interact with people.

 

I know this is going to come of as blunt and kind of rude, but your life sounds depressing & boring. From what I can tell, your life revolves around school, work, video games, & lamenting on LS about not having a gf. No well adjusted woman wants to be in a relationship with a guy like that, as you would suck the life out of them. The word needy is the one that comes up the most often in this type of situation.

 

When you're getting out and doing stuff with friends & by yourself, you will have interesting life experiences. Life experiences leads to story telling & comradery amongst people. That in turns leads to people being able to relate to you. Over times this has a snow ball effect and leads to more friends, more life experiences, more stories to tell, and a better quality of life overall.

 

By doing the above, you will have lived a happy fulfilling life. By living your life, you will have made chances to meet a woman. Additionally you will be able to relater to her on a multitude of levels when you do meet a woman that shows mutual attraction.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Lonely Ronin

[jobaba]

Listen to what I and other have told you time and time again. You control your own future. You don't need to be given a chance, you need to make them. You need to put yourself into a position to meet people (not just women), and your not doing it. You need to go out to coffee shops, the gym, social gatherings, a friends party, happy hour, whatever and meet and interact with people.

 

I know this is going to come of as blunt and kind of rude, but your life sounds depressing & boring. From what I can tell, your life revolves around school, work, video games, & lamenting on LS about not having a gf. No well adjusted woman wants to be in a relationship with a guy like that, as you would suck the life out of them. The word needy is the one that comes up the most often in this type of situation.

 

When you're getting out and doing stuff with friends & by yourself, you will have interesting life experiences. Life experiences leads to story telling & comradery amongst people. That in turns leads to people being able to relate to you. Over times this has a snow ball effect and leads to more friends, more life experiences, more stories to tell, and a better quality of life overall.

 

By doing the above, you will have lived a happy fulfilling life. By living your life, you will have made chances to meet a woman. Additionally you will be able to relater to her on a multitude of levels when you do meet a woman that shows mutual attraction.

 

I think this is good advice.

 

But I also believe SD truly needs a small victory.

 

I remember being on here many, many months ago after getting rejected by yet another woman I had fallen for, and my confidence was low in the dumps.

 

I was asking everybody for advice, including you. I still have the advice you gave me cut and pasted into a word doc somewhere.

 

Since then, I went gung ho and was able to snag a GF for several months. My confidence has gone up so much since then. I feel like I can give advice, even though it might be sh@t advice.

 

People don't quite understand how low your confidence is from dealing with 30 years of rejection and being unwanted. That doesn't happen to most people. I'll be honest. When I first started posting here, I wasn't sure if SD was a real guy.

 

He needs that little victory. How to go about getting it is a means to an end.

[Meeks7]

Listen to what I and other have told you time and time again. You control your own future. You don't need to be given a chance, you need to make them. You need to put yourself into a position to meet people (not just women), and you're not doing it. You need to go out to coffee shops, the gym, social gatherings, a friends party, happy hour, whatever and meet and interact with people.

 

I know this is going to come of as blunt and kind of rude, but your life sounds depressing & boring. From what I can tell, your life revolves around school, work, video games, & lamenting on LS about not having a gf. No well adjusted woman wants to be in a relationship with a guy like that, as you would suck the life out of them. The word needy is the one that comes up the most often in this type of situation.

 

When you're getting out and doing stuff with friends & by yourself, you will have interesting life experiences. Life experiences leads to story telling & comradery amongst people. That in turns leads to people being able to relate to you. Over times this has a snow ball effect and leads to more friends, more life experiences, more stories to tell, and a better quality of life overall.

 

By doing the above, you will have lived a happy fulfilling life. By living your life, you will have made chances to meet a woman. Additionally you will be able to relater to her on a multitude of levels when you do meet a woman that shows mutual attraction.

 

 

Good advice. This is basically what many of us have been saying in different roundabout ways.

 

The question is, how will he choose to react to it this time around?

[Meeks7]

How do I put this... yes SD frustrates me for a lot of the reasons you guys all describe but I really dislike the condescending nature of a lot of the posts here. Particularly Meeks.

 

I apologize if some of my posts come off condescending. Certainly was not my intent.

 

Thing is, SD has asked for REAL LIFE HELP before, and I went ahead and offered him some. He then turned it down, despite the fact that he asked for REAL LIFE HELP. The other poster was right in that trial and error is fine... when there is trial. He hasn't been trying enough, or at all, it seems. That's the frustrating part. If only he tried, he would get somewhere, truly.

 

I just get the sense that he's too wrapped up in a victim's mindset, and that's not healthy for him. None of us wants to see him be in a bad spot. But like Tha said, only he can help himself.

[fortyninethousand322]

I think this is good advice.

 

But I also believe SD truly needs a small victory.

 

I remember being on here many, many months ago after getting rejected by yet another woman I had fallen for, and my confidence was low in the dumps.

 

I was asking everybody for advice, including you. I still have the advice you gave me cut and pasted into a word doc somewhere.

 

Since then, I went gung ho and was able to snag a GF for several months. My confidence has gone up so much since then. I feel like I can give advice, even though it might be sh@t advice.

 

People don't quite understand how low your confidence is from dealing with 30 years of rejection and being unwanted. That doesn't happen to most people. I'll be honest. When I first started posting here, I wasn't sure if SD was a real guy.

 

He needs that little victory. How to go about getting it is a means to an end.

 

Exactly. I know that if any one of the girls I asked out over the years had agreed to go out with me things would have been completely different. At least then I would know that it wasn't impossible, that it could be done. It can't be much different for SD, except of course that he's had more years of failure.

 

It's not rocket science. People won't be confident if they have no reason to be.