How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[McMahal]

Sorry was listening to Drake while typing that haha.

 

I should add, if you want to see a demonstration of the previously mentioned (albeit dramatized), watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air and pay attention to Will Smith.

Edited July 30, 2012 by McMahal

[Teknoe]

Okay, I read the first and last page of this thread because it's too damn long lol. Here's some general things. Maybe I'll do one more specific later to women and relationships...If you want you can reply to each one of these and I'll give some feedback.

 

 

• Live in the present moment. Do not get stuck in the past. Do not worry too much the future.
  

• You cannot control or change, how people think or what they do. At best you can control or change yourself, which in turn affects those around you.
  

• In addition, do not focus on what you cannot realistically change but on what you can readily change.
  

• Always be honest with yourself and willing to laugh at yourself.
  

• Do not worry about what other people think because they're worrying about what you think about them.
  

• Do not take life too seriously. After all, you are just one person among the tons of people that have ever existed and will exist (hopefully).
  

• Don't take life too personally. Someone will always dislike you and you won't always like everyone you meet (both male and female).
  

• Always respect people even if you disagree or hate their guts.
  

• Learn to forgive people and move on
  

• Learn how to really listen
  

• The only choice you really have is to be yourself. The other choice is to be unhappy.
  

• Always do you first
  

• Do not expect more of other people than you expect of yourself
  

• Happiness is not a right. It is a process, always a work-in-progress.
  

• Wisdom comes from understanding, not just experience and knowledge
  

• There is always somebody worse off than you.
  

• There are no guarantees in life and thus there is no guarantee you will find someone to be with.
  

• If you do not try, you have automatically failed.
  

• YOLO
  

I saw you asking about game and charm. That is something that can really only be learned from doing. Ultimately it's about knowing how to respond to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve.

 

BTW, where you at in socal?

 

 

Yeah, these all sound good but it's just not possible for me to be happy unless I get a girlfriend. Once I get a girlfriend, everything will be fine. I will be happy, and then I can work on some weak areas. But right now it just seems impossible. I'm only 5'6". Some people have all the luck in the world. But not me. God has it in for me. He always has. Like with my girl D, we became so close, only for her to leave. And to be honest, I still can't figure out why! We got along so well. We were perfect for each other. I think she's immature. I hate her. But I still love her, too. Did I mention I'm only 5'6"?

 

While I constantly am down on myself, if ONE girl would just give me a chance, they'll find out what a great guy I am. But oh, no obese women though. They gross me out. But yeah, once I get a girlfriend, everything will be perfect. I won't smother her. I have friends to hang out with too... I mean, I'll make some when I get a girlfriend. Everything will change when I get a girlfriend. You'll see. Right now, I can't do anything in my life because I'm single. I don't see the point in going out and trying to socialize. I just want to get a girlfriend. Then I will be set.

 

Alas, I longingly wait for that day. Thanks for the advice, though. It sounds good and all, but until I get a girlfriend, they are just nice thoughts and nothing more.

 

Wait, how do you forgive people? How do you live in the moment? What is the difference between listening and really listening? There is nobody worse off than me BTW. God has it in for me. Can you give me examples of how to live/stay in the present only? I find that impossible to do. Finally, please explain why I should respect someone even if I hate their guts. That just doesn't make any sense to me. If I hate a person, they don't deserve my respect.

 

I'm learning so many things from the internet about interacting with women that I'd never learn in real life. I'm taking all these notes down and now have amassed a journal of 500+ pages of what to do and what to not say around women. I may put it into action 3 years from now. For right now however, I'm just taking notes. Please answer my questions, so I can ask even more questions in response.

 

 

 

[sD, that's what you sound like, bro. OK the last paragraph is a bit of a stretch, but everything else sounds like a hundred of your replies to people sincerely trying to help you out. Dramatized a bit of course, but the overall message/nature is very similar. You're gonna have to taste and live real life for yourself and become the change you want to be. No words here are ever going to make you "click" and get it all of a sudden. If anything, these back and forth games are simply a time passer and distraction from actual real life self-improvement. If only you applied yourself 50% in real life what you do with your posts, how much better off would you be...]

[McMahal]

Hmm I guess this thread has reached critical mass. Maybe SD should print out this whole thread and study it lol. There should be enough information in this thread to get him a GF.

[LittlePrince]

Hmm I guess this thread has reached critical mass. Maybe SD should print out this whole thread and study it lol. There should be enough information in this thread to get him a GF.

Of his own design a la weird science.

[Imajerk17]

Everyone is hosing SD down w a deluge of information but the question is what SD is able and willing to try and I dont think he has even considered it yet.

[Meeks7]

Everyone is hosing SD down w a deluge of information but the question is what SD is able and willing to try and I dont think he has even considered it yet.

 

Every one of his threads become these 600+ reply 40+ page monsters.

 

Cracker Jack nailed it when he wrote this

 

 

You have to realize that people tried to approach your troubles from many different angles, only to be met with the usual "I don't want to do that" or "So that's what you mean. I'll look into it", then you end up right back at your starting point. If anything, you've had more than enough contribution. At this point, all it does is add to your mental masturbation.

 

So yeah, there's only but so much LS can do when it comes to informing you on how sex and dating works. You have to start trying things on your own. LS is great, but maybe what you seek isn't on here. Go try new things out there.

 

 

It's clear that he is not using LS to his advantage, but only abusing it and prolonging his own lack of success. To be fair, I don't think some us are helping, either. If you look at his threads, it's the same folks going back and forth. I'm as guilty as any other poster.

 

Beth tells me I need to stop replying to him, but it's hard. He has this way of compelling you to try and help him, but he never applies anyone's advice given so it becomes a back and forth game. This is his MO. Has always been, and likely will be for the forseeable future.

 

I offered him FREE real life assistance, after he asked for it. I only offered because he asked. Once offered, he rejected what he asked for! If that wasn't a sign that he's paralyzed with fear at the idea of actually changing, I don't know what is.

 

I should stop responding to his posts. Many of us should. I think at this point it's become like a trainwreck we can't keep our eyes off of. Like sticking with a really awful sport team, and when people ask why still watch you say "So when they turn the corner and become good I can say I endured through the lean years."

 

It's almost like we're playing a game with each other to see whose "inspirational" posts can help change SomeDude first: mine, Cracker, Imajerk, Cold, etc. But truth is, we're only enabling him and reinforcing his learned helplessness.

 

If we could meet in a real life circle each week, that'd be different. Face to face accountability is a whole new ball game.

 

But Beth might be right: we're not helping him any. Cracker Jack summed it up well when he said:

 

You have to realize that people tried to approach your troubles from many different angles, only to be met with the usual "I don't want to do that" or "So that's what you mean. I'll look into it", then you end up right back at your starting point. If anything, you've had more than enough contribution. At this point, all it does is add to your mental masturbation.

[ColdEggNog]

Sorry about that response delay. I'll be thorough in responding, but I'll try not to make it as draining to read this time

 

I wanted to preface this post with a personal anecdote. Today, an old crush randomly texted me. In the old days, I would have responded to it instantly. But I was at a bar with some friends this afternoon (go ahead and label me as you want ), so I figured responding could wait. When I got home, I felt energized and went to the gym. Had a brief, but nice, chat with the young lady at the front desk on the way out. Got home, showered and made some dinner. After all that, then I remembered (about 5 hours later) to respond to her message. Now I'm here.

 

I usually respond to messages fast, especially if it's a love interest. Normally, I'd get excited to hear from her and, ignoring that it's typically considered rude to text while hanging out with others, respond fast. Today, it felt liberating to just be carefree. I would guess that she got a positive vibe from that too, as it discretely indicated to her that I have a life. Just wanted to share that little story.

 

SomeDude, I find it commendable that you actually haven't replied yet. To me this shows growth on your part. It seems like, in addition to work keeping you busy, that you have been chewing on Cold's post which is very much chew-worthy. Many times we reply in haste rather than letting someone's helpful and insightful tips sink in.

 

Yes, I too was happy that somedude took the time to try and obtain a deep understanding of the post I made instead of just jumping into the fray. Baby steps!

 

So it did help. Knowing that a woman wants to have sex with you, without the aid of of booze, definitely can give a confidence boost. And it sounds like you've had a few of those and those are the just the ones where booze wasn't involved.

 

Yes, it was a few years ago, 28 sounds about right.

 

How did that arise? I saw a listing on Craigslist for a swingers party and paid $50 to get in.

 

Needless to say, it did absolutely nothing for my confidence. Although the experience was nice and I felt good for a week or so after.

 

Unlike you, I have never had sex with a girl in the "right way." There has been absolutely nothing in my life to give me the impression that a woman has actually wanted me. That is a huge reason why I have no confidence.

 

The bold sentence is evidence of the self-defeating thinking that not only myself but everybody here is trying to get you to break yourself free from. Later in the post, you refuted yourself with the following:

 

Stuff like that just hasn't happened with me; well unless I don't couple of obese girls that liked me. And even then, the "crushes" they had on me were very brief, they changed their mind before anything could happen.

 

Actually, I figure I've had about three official first dates, meaning there was a possibility of more than a friendship occurring, but.....

 

For the first girl we had a decent date but I never saw her again

Second girl brought a guy friend and completely ruined the date, and yes she knew I wanted a date.

Third girl told me that she didn't want to get to know me better.

 

I never got anything more than a hug out of any of those girls. So three first dates so far at 30 years old. That's pretty horrible.

 

First, I have a question about girl 1 and girl 2.

Girl 1- You said you never saw her again. Why was that? Did she directly say she didn't want to date, or did you two just stop contacting each other?

Girl 2- I vaguely remember reading one of your threads about this; are you referring to the girl you knew from childhood that you saw at a family gathering?

 

Bottom line is, even if you feel unsatisfied with your dating record at 30, you do have some of those experiences. By having been on dates, you have demonstrated that girls have been interested in you... it's unlikely that they would have agreed to go on dates with you if there was no interest. And even if the obese girls weren't your type, they were interested in you. Therefore, your self-defeating "there has been no evidence that any girl has been interested in me" comment is invalid.

 

The fact these dates didn't go further than the first date reflects lack of experience, not at all a lack of your own inherent self-worth or value. I know how difficult it is to break a thinking pattern of low confidence and esteem, but you've gotta try and break yourself from this cycle and rationalize. You do have value as a person, you've already demonstrated that. All you need to do is believe that it's there.

 

There have been girls that have been interested in you, and even if it's not what you would like it to be, you do have a dating record. Convince yourself that this is true. Once you've convinced yourself this is true, then proceed to this:

 

I'm not trying to dislike the answers, but I want to see how things are connected. I know that being friends with a lot of people is not going to get women to think about me sexually. There is a missing step, and that is what I need to find.

 

Being friends with a lot of people won't directly give you results, no. However, the missing step is something that's been in front of you the whole time- convince yourself that the missing step you're looking for is you. You mentioned that the number of places you go on a daily basis is fairly limited. How can girls think about you sexually if they don't know you exist? As we've proven, there have been girls that have been interested in you at some point. It's up to you to prove that this can be extrapolated and there are girls in that future that will be interested in you. This is why so many people have tried to absolutely nail the point of going out more/making new friends/meeting new people in some respect. If you're inside beating yourself up over your past, how will the girls know you're out there and available? If girls don't know you're out there and available, how will they be able to be attracted to you? We've also established that your previous dating blunders are no way related to your own inherent value, but are related to lack of experience. Find one of the girls that's attracted to you, because they're out there- they just need to know you're out there.

 

I'm fairly certain one of the big questions you're asking yourself is "how can I be sure that this will help me? How do I know who's attracted to me?" Well, how will you know unless you experiment with it?

 

All of the above can be quickly summarized again with:

 

I'll add to/sum up what I said in my previous post:

 

Going by all of SomeDude's threads and posts on here, there are plenty of nice girls who could be into him and whom he could be happy with, even in his present state. He just needs to put himself in front of one of them.

 

While being with a girl isn't the only thing that makes me happy, it is what makes me the happiest. I think it is simply because hanging out with girl and spending time with her is like having a pretend GF and a having a GF is what I want most in this world. There's something else about, being around feminine energy or something. Also it just makes sense to be happy when you are around somebody you like.

 

Yes I do become depressed when things don't work out. And I was obsessing about everything I could have done differently. There is nothing more than I want than to be able to go back in time and try a different approach with D.

 

Yeah, it's a great feeling isn't it to spend time with someone you care about? The "someone you care about" can be extrapolated to not only girls, but to people in general- another +1 for the friends argument. In this case, you claim you're at your happiest when you're hanging out with a girl. This can be explained using tunnel vision theory again. By making your primary life goal to find a girlfriend, you've established a precendent that you will only be fulfilled once you find one. Can you explain to me why the first bolded statement is the case for you? You stated that you like having a pretend girlfriend, directly because a girlfriend is what you want most. Doesn't this mean that if a girlfriend wasn't what you wanted most, then that wouldn't be what you needed to be happy? It isn't a girlfriend that you want, somedude- from my POV, it sounds like it is happiness that you want. If you were completely happy, then not having a girlfriend wouldn't bother you. Why else would you want a girlfriend? Why not make your goal more broad, saying that "happiness is what I want most in the world?"

 

I'll address the latter bolded comment in the next paragraph.

 

You drove other people away? How?

 

In general, we live in a society where Snooki and happy binge drinking reign supreme. We live in a society where most people work their 9-to-5 jobs and then go home to escape from stress. If we're affected by tunnel vision, then as we discussed, we derive most of our happiness but our success (or failure) rates with women. I have been in numerous situations where I was close friends with girls that I had feelings for, and eventually watch as they begin to date other guys. It's a devestating feeling, and I began to naturally compare myself to the other guys and/or obsess over what I could have done differently. If I continued wishing I had done things differently with E (and trust me, I can think of 10 ways that I could have done things differently that would have had more favorable results, either in terms of my success or my own happiness), my own progress would be stagnant too. By saying you wish you could do things different with D, you've shown that you're unhappy.

 

Tying in with the original question- people don't like being around negative energy. WHether or not I realized it, I resonated a sense of self-defeat whenever I was trapped in tunnel vision. If you're unable to contribute to the "happy go lucky yay beer bong and kegstand" mentality (exaggerated, but you get the point), people will drift away from you, because as sad as it is, people in general only care about their own problems. This can be applied to women as well- they want a man, someone they themselves can be confident in. If you have your own insecurities, they will rise whether or not you know it, and I'll elaborate on that in a bit. But for now, just understand that it is tunnel vision, not the lack of a girlfriend, that is making you unhappy.

 

As I've said, I've been in your shoes and have experienced very similar thought patterns to you. You're very lucky to have a society like LS that is willing to endure thread after thread and is intrinsically caring enough to try and help you. However, keep in mind that everybody has a threshold- many people I believe this threshold has been reached a long time ago. Very recently, I reached the point where I hit rock bottom- no girlfriend, no love interests/anyone that was interested in me, no life resulting in friends beginning to fade me away. My confidence was so low that I couldn't even muster the courage to confide in close friends- and because of that, we began to drift apart too because of the barrier I had formed. Because of my family's dynamic, I didn't feel like I'd have their support either. After I reached the point where I knew I was down for the count, that is when I really began to understand the implications of my own actions and thought patterns that prompted me to change. Once I began to change my own lifestyle and my own thinking, everything fell back into place on its own. That is something I wish I had seen sooner, and tunnel vision was exactly what had gotten me there in the first place. But I digress. In a sense, the users who say we're enabling you with mental masturbation are correct; because we're so supportive in trying to help you change, you haven't yet begun to understand the true value of what it's like to have nobody to confide in.

 

I'm sorry if the above discussion seems like a jumbled mess right now, but I will make absolutely sure that I make it even more directly relevent later in this post.

 

As for other opportunities, I was trying to go after other girls while I was pursuing D. I remember one semester I was turned down by five other girls, and D was the only one who would hang out with me...

 

Let's step away from D for a second: those other 5 girls, where were they and how did you approach them?

 

I guess that does make sense.

 

But the simple thing is, I was the one to initiate most communication and hang outs with every girl I have ever hung out with.

 

Did that make me clingy or needy? I don't think so, it just meant that I was the one who initiated.

 

Actually, the who initiates communication thing feels very important. If I initiate 90% of the communication it means that she has no interest in me and most likely doesn't give a damn about me.

 

Counter argument: it could also mean that she views you as a leader and trusts you to be an initiator because she believes that's in your character. Gotta look at it with the glass half full mentality (i.e, NOT SELF DEFEATING). On the initiation topic, there's a distinct difference between initiating 90% and getting a response to 10% of those and initiating 90% and getting a response to 90%. I'll leave it to you to determine which of those two scenarios illustrates "clinginess" and which one illustrates a "healthy friendship."

 

Again, if you initiated 90%, that means she initiated the other 10%. If it was somebody I really had absolutely no interest in getting to know, I would make 0% effort at communication with that person; I'd be haphazardous with my responses and definitely not be the one initiating at all. And if I'm really making 0% effort, why am I worth talking to? That's a basic social cue- understanding when your 90% initiation is reciprocated with respectable responses, or is being blown off. There's a strong difference between initating 90% of communications and getting a 10% response rate, as opposed to initiating 10% and getting a 90% response rate.

 

Accept failure? As in give up?

 

When I really like somebody, giving up is a very hard thing to do. Usually something needs to happen where I can fully understand why things are not going to work for me to give up.

 

In the future, be explicit. I'll try to touch on this briefly below, but be explicit in what you're looking for. Though I haven't been in a relationship, I can tell you with security that trust is one of the biggest foundations of a lasting relationship, along with the openness to be able to discuss issues. If you need to fully understand, then it's only fair that you be able to discuss it with her explicitly. If she's a friend, she should be willing to have this discussion with you. If she won't have this discussion with you, then why is she worth dating? If open and frank honesty and discussion is a pillar in a relationship, and the girl of interest isn't willing to have a discussion with you about why you two aren't compatible, then she's demonstrated that she's unable to satisfy that relationship pillar- and at that point, why is it worth chasing something that you know based on that would fall apart anyway?

 

You said that you initiate 90% of communications with girls you're interested in; the above is a conversation you would need to initiate as well, rather than wait on subtle clues to analyze (which is behavior yet again caused by... you guessed it, tunnel vision!)

 

And, as expressed many times, you won't be able to put this advice into action until you meet some new people- and you won't be able to meet some new people until you escape tunnel vision and understand that finding a gf isn't necessarily what will make you happiest!

 

As for charm and game, I have no idea how those work. And they would be a great topic for this thread, and yet have not been discussed before.

 

So you are saying that in order to add sizzle to my flirting, I need to work on charm and game, and to do that I need to become socially comfortable.

 

Then I guess the question is, become socially comfortable with who? Also there is a difference between being able to have socially acceptable conversations and joking about sex and the like.

 

This isn't something you addressed directly to me, but I wanted to expand on it a bit. Charm and game will not come naturally to you until you escape tunnel vision. Consider this:

 

With tunnel vision, you see a girl you like, your mind automatically registers the reaction of "I want her to be my girlfriend." You will microanalyze, guaranteed (you admitted in your latest post to me that you do microanalyze your interactions). Because you microanalyze, your conversations with that girl won't flow naturally- because you'll be fixating on "okay, what do I say next that will lead to the greatest probabability that I will date this girl?" Your interactions become cause and effect, effectively destroying any "charm and game" you may have been able to fake up to that point. I've directly asked out every girl that I've had long term crushes on, just for me to get crushed. Looking back at it, I realized that even though as friends, our conversations flowed naturally, when it came time to ask her out, any "charm and game" I had completely fell apart, and it showed in my execution. I'm sure that at various points in our friendships, particularly at vital moments directly related to my interest in them, my charm and game fell apart too because subconsciously, I was focused on the end goal. I fear that whether you know it or not, you're in the same boat.

 

Some of my friends are definitely not victims of tunnel vision. They live rather carefree lives and interact with women on a daily basis. They have perceived charm and game because they aren't victims to tunnel vision. On the other, you don't believe yourself to have charm and game because you are stuck in tunnel vision. Truthfully, believe it or not somedude, you do have charm and game. It's just hidden under layers of tunnel vision, and once you escape that and just take life one step at a time, it will come more naturally for you. All you have to do is believe that it's there.

 

Consider this- a couple weekends ago I was at a bar with some people for my friend's birthday. There was a girl there that I think was waiting on her other friends to show up. Anyway, this girl came up and sat next to me at our booth table and struck up conversation with me (recall that I'm not naturally super attractive, so good looking girls generally don't come up to me in a bar). She wasn't what I would consider super attractive, but I must admit, I did commend her confidence (this goes back to the exaggerated "yay binge drinking mentality" discussion I made earlier- people want to see people that are confident and having fun, not sitting in the corner of the bar microanalyzing their next moves and coming off as not as fun). She was nice, but not what I was looking for. It did reassure me that there is someone out there for me and that I don't have to keep thinking "must find gf must find gf must find gf;" as long as I put myself out there, things will fall into place. And back to your initiation argument; what if she had been a shy girl? She was definitely at least somewhat interested if she approached me. What if she had not approached me? She would have still be interested, I just would have never known. There are girls out there that are interested in you, you just don't know it yet because you haven't seen them.

 

I want to make an aside, girl approaching me wouldnt happen if any of the follow had occurred:

1) I was still super depressed and stuck in tunnel vision.

2) If I didn't have friends (I was out for my friend's birthday, who invited me).

3) If I gave off the vibe of being sad; the vibe that would drive people away.

4) If I played the "woe is me" card like I always did and just let life bring me down.

5) If I didn't put myself out there. While I'm still not perfect and am still a bit wounded, I decided that for one, my buddy wants to have a good time and he invited me because he felt like I could contribute to that good time for him. And two, nothing will happen if I do nothing.

 

I should also point out that in the group of people that went, one of the girls there was super attractive and seemed really nice- i.e, this is the type of person that at first sight, I'd be interested in getting to know better and seeing if there's compatibility there. And yes, because she's attractive, she did get hit on by other men (there was a particularly funny memory of a very drunk guy trying to convince her to strip down in the bar- that didn't go over too well for him). Ordinarily, I would have thought to myself "very attractive girl, way out of my league" and I would have gotten depressed and clammed up. And my bud probably wouldn't have had as good of a time. In your current situation, I feel like that is what would have happened on your end- and I do not want that to happen to you. In reality, what happened was that because I was more focused on having a good time than one finding a girlfriend, my inner "charm and game" came out on its own. My focus was on making sure my buddy had a good birthday, so I gave off a lot of positive energy and I had her laughing a lot, having a good time. Best of all, I wasn't trying to impress her- it just happened because I was carefree. Somedude, this is exactly what charm and game is. This is what confidence looks like, and it's directly the result of freeing yourself from tunnel vision. I can vouch personally for this.

 

I'd really like to see the day that you begin to gravitate towards comments such as "I joined Japanese club again and they invited me to go bowling with them tonight so I won't be able to post on LS again until tomorrow" or "today I talked to a cute girl while I was waiting for coffee in line at Starbucks. We didn't exchange numbers, but that's okay." Why? Because that means you've gotten to the point where you've begun to believe in yourself. I hope that one day we get to the point where both of us are in relationships and the great minds that have helped you thus far in your threads are able to offer us relationship advice. I'd love to share that experience with you down the road. Most importantly, it would mean that you've finally driven away from the dreaded tunnel vision.

Edited July 31, 2012 by ColdEggNog

[Teknoe]

It isn't a girlfriend that you want, somedude- from my POV, it sounds like it is happiness that you want.

 

Interesting post, Cold. I think you might be on to something here. From all the SD posts I've read I get the sense that he either just:

 

A. Doesn't really understand what he wants

 

or/and

 

B. Is just plain too content/complacent/lazy being in his current situation

 

It's sort of like that unemployed person who has been claiming for years on end "I really want to be a ____" but when you ask him how many resumes has he sent out and how hard has he been trying he suddenly grows very quiet. Sort of like the "expected response" you're supposed to make... "Oh of course, I want to be a ____" but not really progressing toward it privately. Trust me, I can relate. For 3 years I was scared to pursue full time teaching. I just kept putting it off and off, all the while telling friends "Oh yeah I'm still looking. It's the economy, man" but then I had to realize something. In 3 years I half-heartedly sent out 3 resumes. And it wasn't the economy. It was me, my issues, my fears, my hang-ups that were holding me back from taking that next step.

 

One has to be able to honestly look in the mirror and be able to make a sober self-assessment. If you cannot do this, it will be difficult to change and you can really prevent your own self from growing until YEARS later. Be a shame if SD keeps this up only to wake up one day finding he's 35 and IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION he was in 6 years ago (yikes)

 

If you really want to get hired, you'd send out 100s of resumes and keep working at it.

 

It seems to me SD hasn't been "sending out his resume" nearly enough, and he doesn't seem to be working very hard at doing anything productive that would actually improve his own resume (whether it's making friends to expand social network or simply learning how to get out of the apartment more often).

 

Therefore I've always felt he either doesn't really know what he wants and/or he's just too plain content/complacent/comfortable in his current situation. Laziness always follows closely behind.

 

He talks about wanting a GF, but his actions (or lack thereof) speak volumes. I don't think he really knows what he wants, or at the very least, he certainly doesn't know what to do regarding what he wants (i.e. having the skills and positive outlook on life to attract and keep a GF)

 

All he is doing is prolonging his failure to launch as a man.

 

Oh, and one thing I've been curious about. He is a part (full?) time student, and works part-time at retail. He lives at an apartment by himself. That combined with college tuition can't be cheap. A part time retail job certainly can't afford all that. I wonder how he manages to live in an apartment all by himself? Do his parents loan him a massive heap of $ per month? I have NO clue one way or the other. Just wondering how he can afford to live by himself in his current financial situation.

 

Honestly would not shock me if he gets heavy financial support from some family members, which might help explain his complacency. And correct me if I'm wrong, but Southen California apartments aren't exactly cheap.

 

When is he scheduled to finish school? I'd be very curious to see where he's at 5 years from now.

Edited August 1, 2012 by Teknoe

[Revolver]

I haven't read through the entire thread lol, too long. But everything he said in the OP was true.

 

A lot of luck is involved in being successful dating

[Teknoe]

I haven't read through the entire thread lol, too long. But everything he said in the OP was true.

 

A lot of luck is involved in being successful dating

 

On the other hand, one creates his or her own breaks as well.

 

It's one thing to constantly try and just not get results vs. doing little to nothing and not getting your desired results.

[somedude81]

I appreciate the effort that went into this thread but I'm just not up for writing a super long response anymore.

 

BTW, nobody is ever going to convince me that luck doesn't play a huge part in this game.

Edited August 1, 2012 by somedude81

[Mme. Chaucer]

I appreciate the effort that went into this thread but I'm just not up for writing a super long response anymore.

 

 

Not a problem! I predict that when you feel up to it, you'll start a new thread just exactly like this one!

 

Enjoy your break from typing.

[ColdEggNog]

I appreciate the effort that went into this thread but I'm just not up for writing a super long response anymore.

 

BTW, nobody is ever going to convince me that luck doesn't play a huge part in this game.

 

If you don't draw a card from the deck, your odds of drawing an ace go down from 1/13 to 0. Feeling lucky now?

[somedude81]

If you don't draw a card from the deck, your odds of drawing an ace go down from 1/13 to 0. Feeling lucky now?

Dude, now even you are on the "somedude never does anything" bus?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dude, now even you are on the "somedude never does anything" bus?

 

All one needs to do is read this thread, if they have several hours to spare, to come to that conclusion.

[somedude81]

All one needs to do is read this thread, if they have several hours to spare, to come to that conclusion.

Why do you even post in my threads?

 

I don't think you have ever contributed.

 

Don't you have something better to do with your time then fallow me around and speak ill?

[Teknoe]

I appreciate the effort that went into this thread but I'm just not up for writing a super long response anymore.

 

In other words, you rather not be challenged or pushed toward change. You're OK with your status quo. Cold is getting too deep, and you pull away when things get too personal/deep. I've seen you do this many times before.

 

I can see why you don't have friends in real life. Friendship, among other things, requires intimacy and caring for others. It seems you only care about yourself, how to get a GF and you're actually scared of true intimacy. When people get too close to you you seem to pull back. You like the comforts of anonymous "internet interaction" but when someone gets too close or challenges you beyond your tiny comfort zone, you stiff-arm them to protect your own peace and as to not rock your own boat.

 

 

Dude, now even you are on the "somedude never does anything" bus?

 

LOL at you saying you don't care about what other posters think. It's obvious that you do, with comments like this. This isn't about SD vs. LS! This is about trying to help you, but it's pretty obvious whatever issues you got going on run deep and need professional care. I'm not saying this to be mean. If anything, I'd be very sad to find you in a year or two in an even worse spot than you are now.

 

Cold, I knew it wouldn't take long for SD to "sour" on you. He did the same with me and others who tried to help him. Initially, he appreciates the help. But then when the help keeps coming, and we threaten his comfort zone, he pushes us away. That's why he likes posters like Jobaba and Veggirl who erroneously tell him time and time again "Don't worry SD, you will be fine with no changes. People here are wrong about you. You are fine. Your social skills are fine. In fact I think they're pretty good. You'll find your way in life with little effort. It'll just take some time but you'll be OK."

 

Notice these posters don't push or challenge him to change, rather they're giving him, in his mind, validation that he's gonna be OK with NO real effort put in. He wants a GF with the bare minimum effort. That's never going to happen. He refuses to admit this, realize this, or at the very least, internalize this to a point where he actually re-evaluates his life and decisions.

 

It's frustrating for us to see.

 

Sadly, it really means nothing for us to be frustrated.

 

What matters is SD('s mindset/lifestyle) is hurting SD. And it will continue to hurt him until he makes some fundamental changes in his life. That's the real tragedy here. I hope he gets better, not for OUR sake, but for his own.

[todreaminblue]

Why do you even post in my threads?

 

I don't think you have ever contributed.

 

Don't you have something better to do with your time then fallow me around and speak ill?

 

 

hey somedude how are you? No ones talking to me wanna play.......hugssssssses deb

[ColdEggNog]

LOL at you saying you don't care about what other posters think. It's obvious that you do, with comments like this. This isn't about SD vs. LS! This is about trying to help you, but it's pretty obvious whatever issues you got going on run deep and need professional care. I'm not saying this to be mean. If anything, I'd be very sad to find you in a year or two in an even worse spot than you are now.

 

Cold, I knew it wouldn't take long for SD to "sour" on you. He did the same with me and others who tried to help him. Initially, he appreciates the help. But then when the help keeps coming, and we threaten his comfort zone, he pushes us away. That's why he likes posters like Jobaba and Veggirl who erroneously tell him time and time again "Don't worry SD, you will be fine with no changes. People here are wrong about you. You are fine. Your social skills are fine. In fact I think they're pretty good. You'll find your way in life with little effort. It'll just take some time but you'll be OK."

 

I don't feel like I said anything that warranted souring... my intention with the card post was to say that even if he is correct in thinking there is some luck involved in dating, the odds are against him if he makes no action. This was also the key point of my most recent large post where I made sure to directly say exactly what small steps he can make to not only change his life, but exactly how each of those steps will help him land a girlfriend.

 

I know I'm in for some "I told you so's" since this behavior was predictable... even so, somedude I'm still not going to give up on you and I know there's some potential hidden deep in there... but if you're not willing to even acknowledge the advice that myself and so many others have provided you thus far, I'm not sure what else I can do for you...

[Teknoe]

I don't feel like I said anything that warranted souring... my intention with the card post was to say that even if he is correct in thinking there is some luck involved in dating, the odds are against him if he makes no action.

 

 

Oh I absolutely 100% agree. I think others will agree too that your post did not in any way warrant souring on. However, this is SD we're talking about. He's so deep into his tunnel vision and woe-is-me attitude that he can't see what others see. He can't interpret a message meant as love.... if you push him too far he'll run away.

 

I think you're awesome for laying out the small steps as you have. Those are some tremendous posts. Unfortunately, you're trying to help someone who just doesn't want to be helped, despite what he might say. At the very least, someone who doesn't want to be helped with anything that requires him to take action and step out of his tiny comfort zone. SD's not a big fan of that, hence why he likes veggirl's posts of "Everything's gonna be OK, hun. You ain't so bad"

 

Until he shows signs that he's willing to be open-minded or until he actually TRIES different life strategies, I think he is who he is, and he will be who he will be. Do I see potential hidden deep deep underneath? Sure, all humans I like to believe have it. Some deeper than others. But it's definitely there. That's the good news.

 

The bad news is, he won't reach his potential at the rate/way he's going. And I see no signs that indicate he'll change in the forseeable future.

 

Notice how he didn't clarify his living situation and how he affords it. Living alone in a SoCal apartment working part time RETAIL and having to pay tuition for college? He must be supported heavily by family and while that is a blessing in many regards, many people sadly become very complacent by such financial support. They tend to lack a sense of urgency in their lives. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the case.

 

Something just doesn't add up in that situation. SD hasn't clarified, which indicates to me that this is likely the case. It would explain a whole lot... like many folks, he doesn't understand the value of hard work. Like many people, there's an overwhelming sense of entitlement and he wants everything handed to him on a silver platter, including the girlfriend.

 

He is free to clarify if he wants to. I just don't see how part time retail salary can support a single apartment AND pay for college tuition. Something doesn't add up.

[somedude81]

New thought!

 

What the hell is sexual tension?

[Lonely Ronin]

New thought!

 

What the hell is sexual tension?

 

Sexual tension - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[ThaWholigan]

Sexual tension - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I believe he wants to know how to create it

 

Fair question, not many do know how to.

[somedude81]

Sexual tension - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So it's basically two people having the desire to screw each other but denying those feelings?

 

Well, hot dog! I'm already half way there since I'm already denying my feelings to have sex with girls I want.

[Lonely Ronin]

So it's basically two people having the desire to screw each other but denying those feelings?

 

Not denying them, not acting on them. For example You meet someone and you are both very physically attracted to the other, but you wait to sleep together until you get know each other better. This can lead to all kinds of tension in the initial dating phase.