How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

[brahmabull117]

Are you serious?

 

A guy is sitting in a coffee shop. A girl keeps glancing over his direction. Eventually she gets up, walks over to him and says something to him to start a conversation.

 

 

First of all that very very rarely happens. My friends can count on one hand how many times they have been approached in their life. I'm probably #1 among my friends in terms of being approached because of my appearance/physique/style and it's still not that big of a number (maybe 10 times in my entire life)

 

 

Second of all, even if a girl approached you, you would f*ck it up with your needy attitude

 

 

I know plenty of guys who are worse looking than you are who date/have relationships. They just have a positive attitude and don't need a woman for validation. You keep getting turned down because of that. I'm telling you go hang out with some guys who have a winning attitude and you'll see how big of a difference that is

 

 

There is nothing wrong with how you look or your height. Plenty of guys with similar traits to yours have a love life. You just need to destroy your self limiting beliefs and actually believe you're capable of attracting a girl. All your posts reek of pathetic victim mentality. Wake up man

Edited August 3, 2012 by brahmabull117

[Meeks7]

BTW, my financial situation isn't relevant to this thread.

 

Actually, there is a connection to your thread. How does this dating and sex thing actually work? Dating involves paying for your date, that is, if you want to act like a real man and not some lame high school boy who goes dutch with his date.

 

Money is not the most important thing in dating, but to completely disregard it is a disservice and not realistic at all. Another reason why putting your energies more into your career and getting that degree is so important, in addition to it giving you more of a goal in life other than getting a GF.

 

 

You just need to destroy your self limiting beliefs and actually believe you're capable of attracting a girl. All your posts reek of pathetic victim mentality. Wake up man

 

 

Naw, he's fine. No need to wake up. He'll be fine the way he's going as we speak. I mean, after all, like he says, he doesn't talk about his bad luck and lot in life to girls, remember?

 

So... there's like... NO WAY they'll ever know.

 

After all, if you don't say something, then girls won't ever find out otherwise, right? DUUUUH. SomeDude believes this is truth, and so, it must be the truth, yes?

 

.....

[Pirouette]

Are you serious?

 

See, having a girl be interested in somebody is based on luck. The only reason that none of the girls I have interacted with became interested in me is because of luck.

 

I have to ask if you are serious about believing this?

 

Don't you think being attractive and having attractive qualities has a little something to do with it?

 

Yeah luck might influence exactly who crosses your path, but it has little to do with who becomes attracted to you. Or do you think on a different day or a different time, the same girls who turned you down could become receptive to you?

 

Does luck pick the clothes you buy when you enter a store? Does luck pick the movies you watch and form your opinion of it for you when you're done?

[brahmabull117]

I have to ask if you are serious about believing this?

 

Don't you think being attractive and having attractive qualities has a little something to do with it?

 

Yeah luck might influence exactly who crosses your path, but it has little to do with who becomes attracted to you. Or do you think on a different day or a different time, the same girls who turned you down could become receptive to you?

 

Does luck pick the clothes you buy when you enter a store? Does luck pick the movies you watch and form your opinion of it for you when you're done?

 

 

 

yep, Luck doesn't exist

[Teknoe]

I have to ask if you are serious about believing this?

 

Don't you think being attractive and having attractive qualities has a little something to do with it?

 

Yeah luck might influence exactly who crosses your path, but it has little to do with who becomes attracted to you. Or do you think on a different day or a different time, the same girls who turned you down could become receptive to you?

 

Does luck pick the clothes you buy when you enter a store? Does luck pick the movies you watch and form your opinion of it for you when you're done?

 

 

Comments like that from SD that really make me question if he's trolling it up for sick amusement.... or plain in serious need of on-going therapy. I just don't see how anyone could think that and be called "healthy."

 

I don't know all the details on his 30+ years of living, but clearly there were some experiences that have shaped him to be the overly negative lone wolf that he is today.

 

Seriously, luck??? Luck plays a role, but if you don't got the skills to market yourself right, luck will only take you so far.

 

Also, luck can't do much when you're in your apartment alone Friday night after Friday night...

[Meeks7]

SomeDude,

It really comes down to a few key points. There are more, but these are fundamental truths that you will have to sort out/improve upon before you will ever attract (and perhaps even more importantly keep) a (healthy) girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

• 1. Nobody in life has ever gotten anywhere by just complaining and doing nothing. Even lottery winners had to go and buy a ticket at some point. Did they get lucky? Sure, but they also had to take some action first. You can't sit around on the sidelines complaining forever. Well, you can, just see the last year of your life. But, look where that has gotten you. Do you really want the rest of 2012 and 2013 to go like the last 10 months or so of your life?
  

• 2. Nobody likes being around a negative nancy. And trust us, even if you don't talk about it, people can tell from your "overall aura" (you can usually tell simply by looking at someone's face and body language). You're so negative I have a hard time believing it doesn't manifest its way into your real life. BTW, you can fool people a couple times, but enough interaction and you can't fake it forever. So, EVEN IF any girl you manage to get close to in your present state, will soon sour when she sees your real attitude come out in a wide variety of (subtle and subconscious) ways
  

• 3. Until you change internally, nothing will change in your life, except you'll get older and older (and I'm afraid, you'll regress with time. Not a knock on you; this goes for EVERYONE. If you're not improving, then you're only getting worse)
  

• 4. ONLY you can do what you think you can do
  

• 5. ONLY you can't do what you DON'T think you can do
  

There are others, but these are five big basics. The longer you refuse to accept and embrace these 5 codes, the longer you will continue to suffer and remain stuck in your slump. It basically comes down to how comfortable you are versus how much you truly want to change your life AT ANY AND ALL COSTS

Edited August 6, 2012 by Meeks7

[SJC2008]

He meets plenty of women and gets friend zoned. Then people post work on your social skills and someone will introduce you to a woman. He can make female friends so his social skills can't be that bad.

 

My guess is you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself. I have a feeling it's what I'm doing.

[Meeks7]

He meets plenty of women and gets friend zoned. Then people post work on your social skills and someone will introduce you to a woman. He can make female friends so his social skills can't be that bad.

 

Sorry, but I think this statement is wildly off.

 

For example, his "friendship" with D was him basically crushing on her, hanging around hoping she'll come around. He said he always initiated with her, and if he didn't contact her, he wouldn't hear from her.

 

Just reading between the lines here. I'm not sure he understand what a reciprocal give-and-take (platonic) friendship looks like. It explains why he doesn't go out of his way to make male friends. He's not looking for male companionship, he's looking for a girl with whom he can eventually have sex with. That is the goal here. The whole GF/sex thing. He can't get that from a guy, well, he doesn't desire that from a guy I should say. So why make guy friends? It's quite obvious.

 

Moreover to the point, how many FEMALE friends does he have now? None. Why? He said something to the effect of he hasn't gotten over D yet and it's not worth trying. For argument's sake, let's say he does have good enough social skills to make female friends.

 

Well, where are they?

 

It doesn't matter how good of skills he might actually have, if all he does is put a cover over his light.

 

I'm sticking to my read-between-the-lines gut though that he simply lacks a solid understanding of what a reciprocal healthy give-and-take friendship looks like. And that comes down to, among other things, having tunnel vision (only going after female friends because it may lead to more, which means the longer he goes the harder time he'll have connecting to guys his age) and a lack of appropriate social skills (has had little experience and so makes social gaffes here and there).

 

Hey, I make social gaffes too. Believe me, sometimes more than I'd like to admit. But I am able to look in the mirror and make an honest enough self-assessment as to readjust my thinking or my life strategies to move on. In fact, Beth always tells me that's something girls dig in a guy: his ability to be honest with himself and own up to his shortcomings. A guy who understands himself well enough not to be delusional or in denial.

 

SomeDude's problem isn't his lack of skills or lack of empathy or lack of whatever else. His main problem is his refusal to admit or acknowledge these things and actively work toward real change.

 

We all have weaknesses. It's the people who address them head on however, no matter how hard a certain weakness might be, that get ahead in life.

Edited August 6, 2012 by Meeks7

[Imajerk17]

Are you serious?

 

A guy is sitting in a coffee shop. A girl keeps glancing over his direction. Eventually she gets up, walks over to him and says something to him to start a conversation.

 

Are you saying that luck would have nothing at all to do with that?

 

The problem is that opportunities happening are luck.

 

 

Huh?? WTF?? Are you serious??

 

That has NEVER EVER EVER happened to me. I know that it is my job as the man to go over and talk to her. I've done that many times, and I've gotten a great reaction a significant percentage of the time (but not every time by any means) though.

 

Meanwhile, I wish you'd consider all the threads from guys here who are having problems with their girlfriends. You think you have troubles now... Having a girlfriend won't solve your issues, in fact it might just make your life more complicated.

Edited August 6, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Failboy]

yep, Luck doesn't exist

 

Sorry, but that is beyond ridiculous. Of course he goes overboard with that "luck is everything" attitude, but that's no reason to make such absurd claims as you just did. Even your genes have a lot to do with (bad) luck, not to mention who is even crossing your path in the first place. A lot of highly successful people got lucky at one point or the other. Of course, they also have talent and put in work and the right attitude, but without a bit of luck here and there you don't get to the top with even that.

[fortyninethousand322]

A great man once said "half of everything is luck".

[ThaWholigan]

A great man once said "half of everything is luck".

To an extent yes. Half of everything is probability

[ThaWholigan]

Huh?? WTF?? Are you serious??

 

That has NEVER EVER EVER happened to me. I know that it is my job as the man to go over and talk to her. I've done that many times, and I've gotten a great reaction a significant percentage of the time (but not every time by any means) though.

 

I actually was approached when I was sitting down outside a pub near a coffee shop a few years ago. Pretty as hell. Back then though, I was so horrible with girls, even when I was approached I would f*ck it up .

[fortyninethousand322]

To an extent yes. Half of everything is probability

 

And the other half is

.

[Els]

And the other half is

.

 

So you think fate and probability are the only two things that can affect the outcome of your life, ever?

 

No wonder you're not getting anywhere. I hate to sound mean, but really, someone's gotta say it to you like it is.

[fortyninethousand322]

So you think fate and probability are the only two things that can affect the outcome of your life, ever?

 

No wonder you're not getting anywhere. I hate to sound mean, but really, someone's gotta say it to you like it is.

 

I guess I should start using those symbols on the side more often. I thought it was clear that if you link a video of James Bond in your response, you're probably not too overly serious.

 

Luck plays a role to be sure. But I don't know what the percentage on that is.

[Els]

Oh, whoops. I guess my sense of humor is on vacation today.

 

As for what percentage luck plays - a significant one, but luck cannot do anything at all for you if you don't let it. Even the person who won the lottery had to buy the ticket - and oftentimes they buy them weekly for YEARS.

 

You mentioned in another thread that I was 'lucky' to have my bf, whereas 'most' other women were not so 'lucky' to find a man whom they were attracted to sexually and also treated them well. I agree in a way - but you also do not know what we went through to keep this relationship going. We stuck with it through an extended period of long distance, poverty, family issues, illness, and various other things that would have caused 'most' other people to call it quits or not even go for it in the beginning. I was 'lucky' to have met him, perhaps, but that luck would not have made a difference if I had said, as so many others do, "Meh, he will be moving 5000 miles away soon, it isn't going to work."

 

This isn't to say that everyone should go into a relationship if they feel they cannot deal with the circumstances surrounding it. The point of my post is: For everyone whom you think is 'lucky', you only SEE their luck. You don't see all the effort and perseverance and tenacity that made that luck possible. Very few people are genuinely lucky - for most of us, effort plays a huge part. An Olympics contestant who got 'lucky' and won due to a fluke shot would not have been 'lucky' if he had goofed off on practice and not even qualified for the Olympics to begin with.

[fortyninethousand322]

Oh, whoops. I guess my sense of humor is on vacation today.

 

As for what percentage luck plays - a significant one, but luck cannot do anything at all for you if you don't let it. Even the person who won the lottery had to buy the ticket - and oftentimes they buy them weekly for YEARS.

 

You mentioned in another thread that I was 'lucky' to have my bf, whereas 'most' other women were not so 'lucky' to find a man whom they were attracted to sexually and also treated them well. I agree in a way - but you also do not know what we went through to keep this relationship going. We stuck with it through an extended period of long distance, poverty, family issues, illness, and various other things that would have caused 'most' other people to call it quits or not even go for it in the beginning. I was 'lucky' to have met him, perhaps, but that luck would not have made a difference if I had said, as so many others do, "Meh, he will be moving 5000 miles away soon, it isn't going to work."

 

This isn't to say that everyone should go into a relationship if they feel they cannot deal with the circumstances surrounding it. The point of my post is: For everyone whom you think is 'lucky', you only SEE their luck. You don't see all the effort and perseverance and tenacity that made that luck possible. Very few people are genuinely lucky - for most of us, effort plays a huge part. An Olympics contestant who got 'lucky' and won due to a fluke shot would not have been 'lucky' if he had goofed off on practice and not even qualified for the Olympics to begin with.

 

I think we're talking about two different things here. When I talk about luck I'm talking about things that are genuinely out of your control. It might sound defeatist as some have said before, but I think a large amount of the problems people like SD (or myself, etc.) have with the whole dating thing goes down to genetics/biology. Some people were just not meant to pair off and will never do so unless they get lucky (arranged marriage, a woman who takes initiative, etc.). Of course genetics aren't purely "luck", it's not just random tosses of the dice that produce genetic traits, but it's "luck" in the sense that you have no control over it.

 

Unlike SD, I have friends. And what I've noticed is that with rare exception it's almost impossible to make it to 30 and have no relationship experience. Even if you are dead set against commitment, you almost accidentally end up in a relationship at some point. The fact that he hasn't should be very telling.

[Els]

I think you missed the point - 'luck cannot do anything at all for you if you don't let it'.

 

If I did exactly the same things SD did, I would never have had a relationship. Not a single one. The reason that 'with rare exception it's almost impossible to make it to 30 and have no relationship experience' is because SD's combination of social circumstances, requirements, choices, and actions (or lack thereof) ARE a rare exception in themselves.

[AD1980]

I think you missed the point - 'luck cannot do anything at all for you if you don't let it'.

 

If I did exactly the same things SD did, I would never have had a relationship. Not a single one. The reason that 'with rare exception it's almost impossible to make it to 30 and have no relationship experience' is because SD's combination of social circumstances, requirements, choices, and actions (or lack thereof) ARE a rare exception in themselves.

 

Maybe it is rare but im in the same spot as sd except im 32 and i have friends

 

Sometimes fear of rejection and lack of self esteem in attracting the opposite sex can be crippling

 

After 32 years if no positive expinece or feedback in attracting the opposite sex im pretty realistic that its probably never gonna happen for me

[brahmabull117]

Sorry, but that is beyond ridiculous. Of course he goes overboard with that "luck is everything" attitude, but that's no reason to make such absurd claims as you just did. Even your genes have a lot to do with (bad) luck, not to mention who is even crossing your path in the first place. A lot of highly successful people got lucky at one point or the other. Of course, they also have talent and put in work and the right attitude, but without a bit of luck here and there you don't get to the top with even that.

 

 

 

A wise man once said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do

 

 

 

 

I suppose luck does have an impact but it's a very very small impact and complaining that you're a 31 year old virgin due to "luck" is beyond absurd

[Teknoe]

A wise man once said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% is how you react

 

Dude, I love that quote! It's one of my favorites because it's absolutely true.

 

SD, having a wide diversity of friends does help. A lot of my friends I know were introduced to one another. Just today, I was chatting with a girl friend of mine, and she suggested I meet one of her girl friends. She said she can put in a good word for me (and she can do this because we have been good friends). Having a wide range of friends makes life much more satisfying. Again, you don't go into making friends with the SOLE GOAL of being set up, but you do understand it is possibly one of the perks.

 

Being isolated won't help you in any way, shape or form.

 

It's never too late to start making some new friends!

[somedude81]

Women have different tastes in guys right?

 

What controls whether one woman is attracted to you and another is not?

 

A guy can meet a lot of women, be happy and fun with them all. But one girl just feels something different towards him that the others don't. What caused that to happen?

 

It should be obvious what point I'm trying to make.

 

Of course I know that luck is nothing without action. But getting a good reaction without luck is dependent on skill. Right now, I know I don't have the charm, game or whatever needed to make girls like me. All I can do is meet women, have fun with them, ask them out and hope that they say yes.

 

If my luck is good, one or more would like me. If my luck is bad then I only get rejected.

 

I strongly believe that if I had average luck, at least one of the 20+ girls I've asked out would have gone out with me, or at least introduced me to a friend and something would have happen. But none of it has happened.

 

Of course I'll keep trying, but it really does seem that fate is against me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

None of this is remotely pertinent to Somedude's situation, and it's all nonsense.

[Pirouette]

Women have different tastes in guys right?

 

What controls whether one woman is attracted to you and another is not?

 

Yes, they do.

 

The individual woman does. She evaluates you and forms an opinion based on her own tastes which are shaped by her own experiences.

 

A guy can meet a lot of women, be happy and fun with them all. But one girl just feels something different towards him that the others don't. What caused that to happen?

 

They don't just "feel" something different out of nowhere. That one woman just has different tastes and requirements from the ones that don't.

 

It should be obvious what point I'm trying to make. Of course I know that luck is nothing without action. But getting a good reaction without luck is dependent on skill. Right now, I know I don't have the charm, game or whatever needed to make girls like me. All I can do is meet women, have fun with them, ask them out and hope that they say yes.

 

I see. The point you're trying to make is that you are waiting for the seemingly few women who would be attracted to the attributes that you possess to cross your path.

 

If that's all you want, then you should do as many people have suggested and ask out as many women as possible to increase your odds.

 

If my luck is good, one or more would like me. If my luck is bad then I only get rejected.

 

I strongly believe that if I had average luck, at least one of the 20+ girls I've asked out would have gone out with me, or at least introduced me to a friend and something would have happen. But none of it has happened.

 

You need to stop thinking about luck as some sort of good or bad force that has chosen you and messes with your life. Luck is just chance, random and uncontrollable, and there's no point in worrying about it because you can't control it.

 

Worry about the things that you can control.

 

Many people have told you to work on your skills and personal attributes. They tell you this because there are certain things that are almost universally considered attractive, and so if you possess them it automatically increases your odds of meeting a woman who will find you attractive.

 

Tell me, do you think you possess many characteristics that most women would be attracted to? And if you do, then do you believe that somehow the distribution of women around you has, through chance, been populated with mostly women who have the unlikely taste of not being attracted to your attributes?

 

Because yes, that would be bad luck.

 

Of course I'll keep trying, but it really does seem that fate is against me.

 

It has to be one or the other. Do you believe in fate or do you believe in luck?