How does the dating and sex thing actually work?

June 1, 2012

somedude, I'm female and your opening post called up what I often feel about MEN. So, I don't think this is simply a "guys have to work, it's so easy for women" sort of thing. It's hard for EVERYBODY, especially if you're not stereotypically hot. Or if you're a fat woman like me. Whatevs.

I can say I wasn't immediately physically attracted to every guy I dated. But as we got to know each other better...it flared up. I suddenly found myself checking out guys who -looked- like my exes. The sexual attraction grew. But I know many people who don't even give that a chance to develop. It is there or it isn't, and then people jump ship.

June 1, 2012

SD, The bottom line is that your success or failure is YOUR responsibility.

No one screwed you out of anything

Do you really want me to go into more detail about how I feel screwed out of having a relationship; about all of the things that were beyond my control?

-- plenty of other people face adversity and overcome it everyday. Look at TW's attitude and he has an autism spectrum disorder --- if he can improve his social skills past you, then you can see it's NOT about luck, as he was dealt a plenty unlucky hand (no offense intended at all, TW). Plenty of people were.

From what I can tell, that is the only thing holding him back. He's also had more opportunities with women then I've had.

Frankly, if I could be tall and be able to easily build muscle but be autistic like he is in exchange, I'll seriously consider it. I just need to learn more details first.

The person restricting you from cultivating social skills --- and thus better success --- is YOU, by the restrictions you're putting on yourself, the laziness (transactional mindset, not wanting to approach people, not wanting to put in effort unless results are guaranteed, etc) you're demonstrating, and the willfully ignoring all the suggestions on how to improve maturity and social skills/capital.

Once again, I don't see the connection between social skills and dating.

Can somebody please tell me how having social skills has any relation to making girls want to have sex with me?

And just to make it clear, I don't want to be just friends with a girl.

The person restricting you from cultivating social skills --- and thus better success --- is YOU, by the restrictions you're putting on yourself, the laziness (transactional mindset, not wanting to approach people, not wanting to put in effort unless results are guaranteed, etc) you're demonstrating, and the willfully ignoring all the suggestions on how to improve maturity and social skills/capital.

We've told you how dating & sex works. You just don't like it.

So is your only measure of success in your life whether you are dating or not?

No, it's not my only measure of success.

But it is my number one goal that I have wanted to accomplish since I was 13, I'm 30 now. In other words, for the past 17 years, there has been nothing more than I wanted than to have a girlfriend.

You are going to college, right? You have a job, right? You have got your own place now, right?

You are taking steps forward, and as long as you continue doing that, you won't be in the same place in five years.

I'm only talking about relationships.

In five years, I'd most likely be working on my career and living in a better location. But if I'm still coming home and there is nobody there nor if I'm dating anybody at all, then I will have failed.

You can't control whether women want to date you or not. But there are parts of your life that you DO control. You control the quality of your life, and what you do with it. There is more to life than a romantic relationship (TRUST me, there are many benefits to being single, and many challenges to being married!!!! It's not all roses and love and sex and romance.)

It's still something that I need to experience. I know I'm missing out of a whole lot of life by being alone.

I strongly believe that life is not worth living if there is nobody to share it with. Sure, some people can be happy without having a partner. But that just isn't me. I'm definitely happiest when I'm spending time with a girl that I like. Which is probably why I have to fight back tears whenever I think about my old crush six months after the last time we spoke.

So find things that light you up. Find something you are passionate about EXCEPT finding love. Volunteering, hobbies, a club to join... yes, it's cliche advice, but it's cliche for a reason- because it DOES add meaning to life to have these things.

I've tried many things, and they just pass the time.

And READ. Read books about how to build your self-esteem. How to talk to girls. How to be more optimistic. Philosophy. Religion/Spirituality. Psychology. Books that will expand your mind and help you realize your worth. (And as a side-benefit, make you more interesting to women.)

I've already read many different types of books to try and help. I've been working on this issue for at least seven years so far.

You are right that you can't MAKE someone like you. But you can work on yourself to make yourself someone more likely to be likeable.

I still don't know what I need to work on. Also I don't really want to become likeable, I want to be doable.

You just don't want to do any work whatsoever, do you?

For a guy claiming to want a girlfriend as bad as you are, you sure do everything in your power (i.e. by doing NOTHING) to assure your continued singleness.

Of course I do the work.

And I never get any results. That is what pissed me off.

Newsflash: a relationship is HARD WORK! I'm dating my current GF 3 months now, and yes, the first two weeks were great, awesome. But now the "infatuation" stage is over with, and we have to actually communicate with each other. Arugments arise. Compromise takes place. Forgiveness is issued. Proactive thinking and planning helps to avoid some potential issues.

I'm jealous

That's what I need to experience. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship and have somebody be so close to me that what I do affects them and vice versa.

-------

Man, making these types of posts really takes it out of me. Thank God video games can let me focus on something else.

June 2, 2012

I've tried many things, and they just pass the time.

So how is life going to be different once you are in a relationship?

Nobody is gonna want to be joined at the hip (at least nobody HEALTHY will), so you will still be working and needing to do other things while your SO is doing the things she loves to do on her own.

So when you aren't with her, you will just be passing the time, and she will be the only meaning in your life?

This is VERY unhealthy, and any relationship you find with that mindset will not last long.

It's incredibly important to be a happy independent person before you join another person, not expect that person to be your happiness.

June 2, 2012

i agree with the making yourself look better and more likeable part. I started working out last year and made BIG improvements

I bought a new warddrobe, turned my baggy ass clothes into house clothes and bought everything 2 sizes smaller.

I noticed the muscle fitted shirts get me more attention. Girls at work that were not comfortable touching me. Instantly started laying their hands on me. And if women lay their hands on u then its a sign they think ur attractive.

think about it we have all seen that one girl that we dont find attractive, then you see her in club clothes and all of a sudden she catches your eye lol

if you dont like what you see in the mirror, CHANGE IT!

June 2, 2012

Do you really want me to go into more detail about how I feel screwed out of having a relationship; about all of the things that were beyond my control?

Please do, tell us about all the things that are "beyond your control", and we can show you how to fix that and work with what you got .

From what I can tell, that is the only thing holding him back. He's also had more opportunities with women then I've had.

Umm, no actually, I haven't. I have met a lot of women, and been approached by quite a few, sure. Had platonic acquaintances, yeah, a lot of that. But only one actual surefire opportunity presented itself in the end of all of that, and I deliberately didn't take it even though I possibly could have gotten laid. Autism doesn't hold me back in life - procrastination does

.

Frankly, if I could be tall and be able to easily build muscle but be autistic like he is in exchange, I'll seriously consider it. I just need to learn more details first.

That's cute. You don't want autism. While as Zengirl points out it's an unlucky affliction to have, I happen to be a lucky enough to have the aptitude to develop some kind of willpower to get where I am now. You don't need my body or my ability to gain muscle. You just need my willpower.

Once again, I don't see the connection between social skills and dating.

Can somebody please tell me how having social skills has any relation to making girls want to have sex with me?

And just to make it clear, I don't want to be just friends with a girl.

Like I said....social skills makes you able to converse with people at a somewhat advanced level. Women, many of whom are keen social observers, will respond to this with intrigue. Especially if you have a level of intelligence to prop up your social skills. Social skills encompass any social interaction, from approaching someone, to eventually seducing a woman. To be able to converse on a certain level, like teasing, humor, flirting, banter etc. These are things that you develop when you have FRIENDS!!! When you have casual female acquaintances whom hasn't friendzoned you just yet, and you can respond with a flirt or a funny or whatever. With relative ease.

When you have male friends, you tease each other, humor and all that, and you go out together for a boys night out or something, and you see a bunch of girls that you all like, and you are all conversing with them and cracking jokes, and flirting with them, banter etc. That is what a social life brings you. That is what social skills brings you. It gets you in the door. And there are a few dynamics to it. Do your research if you must! I have a torrent link for a program if you want it, it's pretty good.

The person restricting you from cultivating social skills --- and thus better success --- is YOU, by the restrictions you're putting on yourself, the laziness (transactional mindset, not wanting to approach people, not wanting to put in effort unless results are guaranteed, etc) you're demonstrating, and the willfully ignoring all the suggestions on how to improve maturity and social skills/capital.

We've told you how dating & sex works. You just don't like it.

Zengirl has it on the money, even though it's harsh.

No, it's not my only measure of success.

But it is my number one goal that I have wanted to accomplish since I was 13, I'm 30 now. In other words, for the past 17 years, there has been nothing more than I wanted than to have a girlfriend.

I'm only talking about relationships.

You need to switch goals. I'm sorry, but having a girlfriend cannot be your number one goal. That's a recipe for disaster.

In five years, I'd most likely be working on my career and living in a better location. But if I'm still coming home and there is nobody there nor if I'm dating anybody at all, then I will have failed.

It's still something that I need to experience. I know I'm missing out of a whole lot of life by being alone.

Then get friends. It will make it easier to meet girls!!

I strongly believe that life is not worth living if there is nobody to share it with. Sure, some people can be happy without having a partner. But that just isn't me. I'm definitely happiest when I'm spending time with a girl that I like. Which is probably why I have to fight back tears whenever I think about my old crush six months after the last time we spoke.

I don't mean to be mean, but please. You have to be happy when you are alone. Sometimes in life, you will be alone. And you have to be happy with that. If you are happy with that, it will be easier to have someone in your life. I'm pretty happy with the way things are for me. I have friends, I love my family even though they are almost as crazy as me, and I have ambitions, hobbies, goals, interests, etc. All things I have built up for myself. I would LOVE to have a girlfriend

. But I won't die without one, and I'm certainly not shedding any tears over my old crush - even though I still got the hots for her

.

I've tried many things, and they just pass the time.

Pass the time? Wow.........

I've already read many different types of books to try and help. I've been working on this issue for at least seven years so far.

I still don't know what I need to work on. Also I don't really want to become likeable, I want to be doable.

I'm curious as to what constitutes as work to you. And you do want to be likeable as well as doable, but to be doable you have to eliminate the beliefs that you have in your head before you can do either.

Of course I do the work.

And I never get any results. That is what pissed me off.

Again, what work?

I'm jealous

That's what I need to experience. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship and have somebody be so close to me that what I do affects them and vice versa.

You can only experience that when you have a healthier relationship with yourself.

-------

Man, making these types of posts really takes it out of me. Thank God video games can let me focus on something else.

Escapism at it's best

. I used to do that. Smoked so much weed I'd pass out on my bed because I was too high. Played football manager till my eyes hurt. Yep, been there done that. Grew out of it.

June 2, 2012

Once again, I don't see the connection between social skills and dating.

Can somebody please tell me how having social skills has any relation to making girls want to have sex with me?

SomeDude, my girlfriend is here right now and I showed her your post, specifically the part in quotes, and she's going to respond

----

Hey SD,

This is Meeks' GF. I can answer your question from a female perspective. There is a definite connection between social skills and dating. Since dating involves talking, listening, understanding social cues, reading body language, etc. etc. and these things have to do with one's social skills. Maybe you don't understand the connection because you don't see it happening in real life, but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Your 2nd part is a bit offensive, to be honest. To make girls want to have sex with you? Sorry, are you 30 or 16? Again, a woman is not going to have sex with a guy until she has a certain connection with him (in MOST cases). You develop that connection by... socializing and getting to know one another. Having friends helps develop your social skills.

It's really as simple as that.

Does having friends lead you to having a girlfriend someday, guaranteed?

No, there's no guarantee.

However, does it INCREASE your chances and your overall state of well-being? ABSOLUTELY.

I can tell you from my female perspective that girls DO CARE about a guy's ability to socialize and relate. If he's all self-absorbed and a loner, there are two definite red flags. It might explain your lack of success thus far.

I'll tell you the reason I fell for Meeks. He's not perfect (he'll read this later and he knows it, I've told him before haha) but he is very likeable. He has a lot of friends and people respect him. He helps out others, and I find that incredibly attractive. My grandma is getting very old, and he visits her once a week just to sit and talk with her. It's very selfless on his part, and it's soooo sweet Just thinking about it makes me feel so lucky to have someone like him in my life. My grandma LOVES HIM, and says she approves of him totally, because he has a big heart and he cares about people.

He's not the best looking guy I've ever dated, but he is the sweetest. Part of why I fell for him is the fact that he can walk into a room and be confident in his own shoes. People see he's genuine and that's why they like him. He's a very real guy. Flawed, but he works hard at being an all-around good person.

If he didn't have his friends, I doubt he'd be as well-rounded as he is, and if he wasn't well-rounded, I wouldn't have fallen for him.

Nothing turns off us ladies like a guy who has no friends, stays home on a Friday night, lazy, surfs the net and play games, and doesn't care for others. NOT boyfriend material AT ALL. It's "AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS" material. That might be why you've been single all your life...

Just my 2 cents.

Developing your social skills and having friends is very important. Not a step to be skipped. Well, you can skip it, but you'll only be hurting yourself in the short AND long run.

Good luck,

Beth

June 2, 2012

What Somedude really needs to do is approach 10 random average-looking girls and talk to them and then ask them out. 8 of them will say no but 2 of them just might say yes, giving him 2 dates. Sinple...

June 2, 2012

So Beth and Meeks, how did the two of you meet?

June 2, 2012

So Beth and Meeks, how did the two of you meet?

We met through my good guy buddy, Roger. Twice a month, he throws a Sunday shindig at his place. It's always just a good time of eating and chilling out with some pals. I thought coming in that it would just be another Sunday gathering, or so I thought...

And then walks in one of Roger's friends, Tiffany. Tiff had a girl friend with her. Immediately, Beth caught my eye

As it turns out, I later found out that Roger and Tiffany were talking about their single friends who are good catches but just haven't gotten "lucky" in the game of love yet. Tiff spoke about Beth. Roger spoke about me. They agreed we might be a good match and so Beth came to the Sunday gathering, and we hit it off.

Did I mention how important it is to have friends yet?

Without my friendship to Roger, I would have never met Beth. The key thing to note here is ALSO... I didn't befriend Roger in hopes that he'd "hook me up" someday. It's just one of the potential perks of having friends. But you shouldn't make friends expecting to get a girlfriend out of it. You're only going to be miserable and inauthentic if you do that.

You should make friends because they enhance the joys in your life. If they lead you to your GF, that's a bonus. And for the record, I didn't go to the gatherings hoping to meet someone.

It did happen when... *gasp* I least expected it. I was just "living right." Focusing on my vocation, volunteering at homeless shelters on the weekends, maintaining healthy relationships with family and friends... I was just happy being single and living with a purpose that wasn't girlfriend-related or targeted. I given up that "burning desire" some time ago when I finally found joy in pursuing other things in life

Edited June 2, 2012 by Meeks7

June 2, 2012

Just got back from a triple date (me + Beth + 2 other couples). We went bowling and then played board games at Beth's place. Man, what a fun night. Here's another great thing about having friends: it helps keep your relationship fresh. As much as I love being with Beth 1 on 1 (honey, if you read this somehow you know you feel the same way so I think I'm OK saying this lol), there are times where nothing beats being with your girl AND being with friends. Especially other friends who are couples. It's just... life. You know? There's a real "pulse" and everyone is enjoying each other's company.

My first girlfriend we were kind of loners. So we hung out together all the time. That got old pretty fast, and the relationship got very stale.

With Beth, part of our growth is just being around other couples, and all hanging out as a group. Then when we do get some 1 on 1 time, we really cherish it.

Variety is the spice of life, and friends help keep things fresh.

BTW SomeDude, Beth told me to tell you if there's anything unclear about her post please ask for clarification. She is also interested in hearing what you have to say in response. I think she's right when she says ladies are turned off by loners who just stay at home playing video games and lack ambition in life beyond getting a GF.

It really might explain why you've been single your whole life, or least, from 13 to 30. Branch out, develop some healthy new interests, and just live life without worrying so much about GF. When you truly take care of yourself, and others, things have a way of falling into place in their own timing.

June 2, 2012

Yup, many of us have encouraged SD to develop other areas of interest. No dice. He only wants a GF, but he's expecting her to come to him with him doing minimal work. Yeah... good luck with that.

This is kind of how I feel. I didn't mean to be harsh in calling SD "lazy" earlier, but goodness do a lot of people seem lazy to me these days. What he's doing is the equivalent of people putting in a few resumes and saying, "Oh, the economy sucks." Well, yes, the economy isn't the greatest, but I've gotten plenty of new jobs -- some in America and some outside -- since the downturn started (and I was laid off when it started -- before most people think it started/before the worst of it and transitioned to a new career during 2008 and the worst of it). I didn't just put in some resumes. I actually worked my butt off when I wanted/needed to get out there.

A lot of people who consistently fail are fairly lazy and think life should be handed to them if they do minimal effort. Some who fail truly don't know what to do -- but SD hasn't taken any of the suggestions he's been given really, so he's more resisting what to do than absolutely putting the energy in to try everything and show that succeeding at this is truly important to him.

A transactional nature and the kind of laziness we're talking about (I guess it's masked as 'efficiency' these days) is especially typical among teens, so I see it all the time, and it's the first thing I try to "cure" troubled teens of. It's worse for success in life than a drug addiction, honestly. Certainly worse than having low aptitude for something.

Do you really want me to go into more detail about how I feel screwed out of having a relationship; about all of the things that were beyond my control?

You can if you want, but I'm not going to agree with you. We're all given challenges that are beyond our control. It's not like you're out there doing everything you can to improve yourself and overcome, so I don't get the complaints. Honestly.

Once again, I don't see the connection between social skills and dating.

You may not see it, but it's there. Clearly we see it. And you professed not knowing how these things work -- so we're telling you.

Can somebody please tell me how having social skills has any relation to making girls want to have sex with me?

It has a relation to developing relationships and rapport with girls and leading to any kind of real romantic relationship. If you want to just 'make them have sex with you' --- well, that's a hard road to hoe without anything to offer along those lines. Better off with prostitutes with that mentality.

Having friends also makes you a more attractive prospect and not having friends makes you look like a very bad prospect to many people.

June 2, 2012

This is kind of how I feel. I didn't mean to be harsh in calling SD "lazy" earlier, but goodness do a lot of people seem lazy to me these days. What he's doing is the equivalent of people putting in a few resumes and saying, "Oh, the economy sucks." Well, yes, the economy isn't the greatest, but I've gotten plenty of new jobs -- some in America and some outside -- since the downturn started (and I was laid off when it started -- before most people think it started/before the worst of it and transitioned to a new career during 2008 and the worst of it). I didn't just put in some resumes. I actually worked my butt off when I wanted/needed to get out there.

A lot of people who consistently fail are fairly lazy and think life should be handed to them if they do minimal effort. Some who fail truly don't know what to do -- but SD hasn't taken any of the suggestions he's been given really, so he's more resisting what to do than absolutely putting the energy in to try everything and show that succeeding at this is truly important to him.

A transactional nature and the kind of laziness we're talking about (I guess it's masked as 'efficiency' these days) is especially typical among teens, so I see it all the time, and it's the first thing I try to "cure" troubled teens of. It's worse for success in life than a drug addiction, honestly. Certainly worse than having low aptitude for something.

You NAILED it. Nothing like apathy or a spirit of sloth to slowly wither oneself away.

SD shouts he wants a GF badly, but I look at his actions. He clearly doesn't know what to do because his fear of failure + opening up to be truly intimate is severely crippling his life. Through his posts you can see all his angst, anxieties and insecurities. He has professed he doesn't know how to read (women's) body language, which suggests to me he probably doesn't know how to read his own. So when he claims he doesn't "reveal his insecurities" to women through body language, I'm less inclined to believe him simply based on 1). the fact that his insecurities dominate and own him (because he lets them!) and 2). he hasn't shown that he knows what's going on other than he's never had a GF from 13 to 30 years old

Then when we tell him the hard truths, he continually denies us and buries his head deeper into the sand. There is ZERO flexibility or not even an OUNCE of a teachable spirit in him.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if we wrote the following:

"SD, good news. Just sit around the apartment, continue to isolate yourself, play your role playing and shooting games, and don't worry, some B or bigger average looking or better girl in her early 20s is going to come along and make you her boyfriend... oh, AND she will initiate everything so you don't have to."

And he hits the "like" button on it, lol, thinking that because someone said it, it surely must be true (it's funny how he only applies that to things HE WANTS TO BE TRUE)

June 2, 2012

Wow. I hope the fantasy of what life will be like with a girlfriend isn't overblown so much that when he gets one, he is disappointed.

I hardly doubt that my fantasy of what it's like to be in a relationship isn't realistic at all.

While I have no idea how often people who aren't living together see each other, I'm assuming that twice a week isn't an unreasonable amount. Sex at least once a week would be amazing.

Of course more is better for both things but I do want to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed.

So how is life going to be different once you are in a relationship?

Nobody is gonna want to be joined at the hip (at least nobody HEALTHY will), so you will still be working and needing to do other things while your SO is doing the things she loves to do on her own.

So when you aren't with her, you will just be passing the time, and she will be the only meaning in your life?

This is VERY unhealthy, and any relationship you find with that mindset will not last long.

It's incredibly important to be a happy independent person before you join another person, not expect that person to be your happiness.

No, we won't be joined at the hip at all. I would greatly enjoy my time with her, and I got my own things to do when she's away.

I've been alone for the vast majority of my life, I can handle some time away from her. Now try saying that to some girls who haven't been single for longer than two weeks since they were 16.

somedude, I'm female and your opening post called up what I often feel about MEN. So, I don't think this is simply a "guys have to work, it's so easy for women" sort of thing. It's hard for EVERYBODY, especially if you're not stereotypically hot. Or if you're a fat woman like me. Whatevs.

I can say I wasn't immediately physically attracted to every guy I dated. But as we got to know each other better...it flared up. I suddenly found myself checking out guys who -looked- like my exes. The sexual attraction grew. But I know many people who don't even give that a chance to develop. It is there or it isn't, and then people jump ship.

What caused the attraction to him to just flair up?

i agree with the making yourself look better and more likeable part. I started working out last year and made BIG improvements

I bought a new warddrobe, turned my baggy ass clothes into house clothes and bought everything 2 sizes smaller.

I noticed the muscle fitted shirts get me more attention. Girls at work that were not comfortable touching me. Instantly started laying their hands on me. And if women lay their hands on u then its a sign they think ur attractive.

think about it we have all seen that one girl that we dont find attractive, then you see her in club clothes and all of a sudden she catches your eye lol

if you dont like what you see in the mirror, CHANGE IT!

Yeah, I need to get back into working out and do it seriously. Hopefully girls will start to notice.

Umm, no actually, I haven't. I have met a lot of women, and been approached by quite a few, sure. Had platonic acquaintances, yeah, a lot of that. But only one actual surefire opportunity presented itself in the end of all of that, and I deliberately didn't take it even though I possibly could have gotten laid. Autism doesn't hold me back in life - procrastination does .

Sounds like more chances than I've had.

I've never been approached. And my surefire opportunity was with an obese girl that I wasn't attracted to at all. We made out, I got her shirt off, then I was done.

Heh, and then you even said it, that your autism doesn't hold you back.

That's cute. You don't want autism. While as Zengirl points out it's an unlucky affliction to have, I happen to be a lucky enough to have the aptitude to develop some kind of willpower to get where I am now. You don't need my body or my ability to gain muscle. You just need my willpower.

And being short, ugly, having depression and low motivation is an unlucky affliction to have as well.

I seriously wonder which of us has it worse.

Like I said....social skills makes you able to converse with people at a somewhat advanced level. Women, many of whom are keen social observers, will respond to this with intrigue. Especially if you have a level of intelligence to prop up your social skills. Social skills encompass any social interaction, from approaching someone, to eventually seducing a woman. To be able to converse on a certain level, like teasing, humor, flirting, banter etc. These are things that you develop when you have FRIENDS!!! When you have casual female acquaintances whom hasn't friendzoned you just yet, and you can respond with a flirt or a funny or whatever. With relative ease.

It's great that you brought up seducing women. That's what I need to start doing. And I believe that is a different skill set than making and keeping friends.

I can already do the teasing and humor things. But I don't think one flirts with their guy friends.

When you have male friends, you tease each other, humor and all that, and you go out together for a boys night out or something, and you see a bunch of girls that you all like, and you are all conversing with them and cracking jokes, and flirting with them, banter etc. That is what a social life brings you. That is what social skills brings you. It gets you in the door. And there are a few dynamics to it. Do your research if you must! I have a torrent link for a program if you want it, it's pretty good.

What's funny is that when I had friends, we never went out to places with girls.

So somehow I need to find the right friends.

You need to switch goals. I'm sorry, but having a girlfriend cannot be your number one goal. That's a recipe for disaster.

I just can't switch what I care about most. For now I just make sure that my secondary goals get met.

I'm curious as to what constitutes as work to you. And you do want to be likeable as well as doable, but to be doable you have to eliminate the beliefs that you have in your head before you can do either.

I really don't want to get into it. Mainly because I don't want people judging me and saying that it's not enough or whatever.

Escapism at it's best . I used to do that. Smoked so much weed I'd pass out on my bed because I was too high. Played football manager till my eyes hurt. Yep, been there done that. Grew out of it.

Yeah, I'd love to grow out of it as well. Though I'm going to need some major life changing event for that to happen.

SomeDude, my girlfriend is here right now and I showed her your post, specifically the part in quotes, and she's going to respond

----

Hey SD,
This is Meeks' GF. I can answer your question from a female perspective. There is a definite connection between social skills and dating. Since dating involves talking, listening, understanding social cues, reading body language, etc. etc. and these things have to do with one's social skills. Maybe you don't understand the connection because you don't see it happening in real life, but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

And that's perfectly fine with me. I can see how those things are important. Though I don't know if social skills is the correct term.

What I need is more girl time. I don't have any sisters, there are no girls in my family that I'm close to nor did I have any female friends growing up. Girls were basically and mostly still are a mystery to me. Sure I talk to girls now in casual conversation but it's never in a way that our genders actually matter.

I had a close female friend for almost two years, that I was also completely bonkers for. Even though the friendship ended badly, it was an invaluable experience simply because there were many things I learned from simply spending time with her. We were never intimate but we did have many deep conversations and I was really starting to see what made her tick.

I don't think that spending time with her, learning and interacting, all that can be called social skills.

Your 2nd part is a bit offensive, to be honest. To make girls want to have sex with you? Sorry, are you 30 or 16?

I don't mean to be rude but it's just the blunt truth. I have never had sex with a girl that I've liked. So yes, I'm 30 years old and I want girls to want to have sex with me. I need to be able to move to the next stage of life and stop being 16.

Again, a woman is not going to have sex with a guy until she has a certain connection with him (in MOST cases). You develop that connection by... socializing and getting to know one another.

And I can do that just fine. I can make friends with girls and have connections. But there is never any chemistry. Well there is plenty from me, but the girl never feels it.

The whole reason I made this thread is because I don't know how to make that start happening. How to make a girl see me as more than just a friend.

I can tell you from my female perspective that girls DO CARE about a guy's ability to socialize and relate. If he's all self-absorbed and a loner, there are two definite red flags. It might explain your lack of success thus far.

I have no problem being able to socialize and relate. I'm not self-absorbed and I do care about other people.

Nothing turns off us ladies like a guy who has no friends, stays home on a Friday night, lazy, surfs the net and play games, and doesn't care for others. NOT boyfriend material AT ALL. It's "AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS" material. That might be why you've been single all your life...

What if did all that but did care for others?

And why is it lazy to stay at home on a Friday night?

Is it more productive to go out with guys to a bar and holla at girls?

June 2, 2012

Of course I do the work.

And I never get any results. That is what pissed me off.

NO you don't. I have told you EXACTLY what to do to get out of your situation, but you will not do it because you are scared.

Why would all of these people be telling you that they don't see you putting in any effort or that your not trying if it wasn't true? Denial.

June 2, 2012

I'll say this again. Go up and talk to 10 girls this weekend. Likely you'll get 1 or 2 to meet up with you again.

Talk to them as you would a girl you're friends with. If you have a good conversation with them, they won't care that you're 30 and she's only 22. They will find a way to rationalize it, trust me.

June 2, 2012

i wish i knew.

June 2, 2012

I just wonder how many posts this thread will end up getting haha

June 2, 2012

I'll say this again. Go up and talk to 10 girls this weekend. Likely you'll get 1 or 2 to meet up with you again.

Talk to them as you would a girl you're friends with. If you have a good conversation with them, they won't care that you're 30 and she's only 22. They will find a way to rationalize it, trust me.

Haha. I don't know about that one.

If he's 30 and he hasn't gotten anything ever, walking up to girls cold?

I don't think that's a good idea. Almost guaranteed failure. I have good looking buds who are mack who will get rejected by 10 gals walking up to them in public, easy.

June 2, 2012

Haha. I don't know about that one.

If he's 30 and he hasn't gotten anything ever, walking up to girls cold?

I don't think that's a good idea. Almost guaranteed failure. I have good looking buds who are mack who will get rejected by 10 gals walking up to them in public, easy.

Well if you "roll up" to a chick walking to the campus bookstore and act too cool for school, you'll get shot down.

But if you walk up to her and tell her that you had to meet her and just have a decent conversation with her--the one you might have with your female friends, you just might get a number. Women aren't looking to meet a "baller" so much as they are just a cool normal guy.

I speak from experience. I met my share of girls in a similar fashion and I didn't have a lot of game.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Imajerk17

June 2, 2012

Well if you "roll up" to a chick walking to the campus bookstore and act too cool for school, you'll get shot down.

But if you walk up to her and tell her that you had to meet her and just have a decent conversation with her--the one you might have with your female friends, you just might get a number. Women aren't looking to meet a "baller" so much as they are just a cool normal guy.

I speak from experience. I met my share of girls in a similar fashion and I didn't have a lot of game.

if you say you had to meet her and aren't good looking she'll freak. that's what they call creepy.

June 2, 2012

But if you walk up to her and tell her that you had to meet her and just have a decent conversation with her--the one you might have with your female friends, you just might get a number. Women aren't looking to meet a "baller" so much as they are just a cool normal guy.

It's definitely worth a try. But cold approach only works on certain women. And those women will usually only accept certain men when they cold approach. And if you're a 30 year old virgin, you're probably not one of those guys. I'm being harsh maybe.

But yea, it's worth a try. Everybody should get cold approach out of their system to see if it works for them at least.

June 2, 2012

It's definitely worth a try. But cold approach only works on certain women. And those women will usually only accept certain men when they cold approach. And if you're a 30 year old virgin, you're probably not one of those guys. I'm being harsh maybe.

But yea, it's worth a try. Everybody should get cold approach out of their system to see if it works for them at least.

30 year old virgin, not good, not good at all. but the bright side. i'm a 41 year old virgin so it could be worse.

June 2, 2012

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if we wrote the following:

"SD, good news. Just sit around the apartment, continue to isolate yourself, play your role playing and shooting games, and don't worry, some B or bigger average looking or better girl in her early 20s is going to come along and make you her boyfriend... oh, AND she will initiate everything so you don't have to."

And he hits the "like" button on it, lol, thinking that because someone said it, it surely must be true (it's funny how he only applies that to things HE WANTS TO BE TRUE)

Hubby was playing GTA 4 the other day, and you have to do the date scenarios with that Michelle girl to get her "like value" up high enough for missions to unlock, and it made me think: This is NOT how dating and sex things really work. I mean, I think most guys who play video games know that stuff, but maybe some really don't. There is no, "You do this, and that stat raises, and success happens." There is plenty of, "You boost your OWN stats, you do better in life in general" but no transactional nature to life the way there has to be (because of programming limitations) in games. Just a thought, since I know SD likes video games. I do too, because you always know what to do to succeed. It's comforting and fun. But life isn't like that, and that's a GOOD thing --- it's what makes life worth living, really.

Heh, and then you even said it, that your autism doesn't hold you back.

It doesn't hold him back because of his attitude and resilience. Because he CHOOSES not to let it hold him back. Having worked with (generally high functioning) autistic children and teens, I can definitely appreciate such an attitude, personally, which is why I used him as an example. TW overcomes because he decides to overcome. You are actively deciding not to overcome, but to feel angry, defeated, and unlucky, and that's what's frustrating.

It's great that you brought up seducing women. That's what I need to start doing. And I believe that is a different skill set than making and keeping friends.

I don't think anyone is suggesting it's the EXACT same thing. We are suggesting that all social skills complement and enhance each other and that social skills, as a whole, are intertwined, and that yours are low enough that you may not be able to jump straight to that point. YOU seem to disagree, but you aren't having any more success. Being flirtatious is not really a different skill set than any other social skills. If you had general social comfort, could read body cues, could read people, could get along with and impress people generally, had social capital, and were amiable, interesting, and had a life full of passions, you could easily flirt and do all the other steps necessary to take it to the romantic level. How do you do it WITHOUT those things? Well, that's a lot harder, and there's no reason to believe you'd have success, especially at your age/situation.

What's funny is that when I had friends, we never went out to places with girls.

So somehow I need to find the right friends.

To be honest: If you ONLY make friends to get a girlfriend, that won't work either. It's transactional again. But that doesn't mean you can't care about getting a GF "most" --- as long as you care about other things as well. You have almost NO focus on self-improvement, and that seems odd to me. Why wouldn't someone who consistently fails at what they want most have a strong focus on self-improvement?

I don't think that spending time with her, learning and interacting, all that can be called social skills.

No, because you didn't work to develop your skills. You think there's something you can learn -- without doing -- to help you, but that's not really how it works.

June 3, 2012

Hi SD. Beth here with Meeks again. We're going to tee it up tonight for some miniature golf but before we go we thought we'd check in with this topic again.

I have no problem being able to socialize and relate. I'm not self-absorbed and I do care about other people.

Why then, pray tell, do you have no friends? No social group? Sorry, but it's a huge red flag to a girl. After all, you DO KNOW that we girls like to feel safe, right? It's hard to trust a guy who has no friends. It just is. To me, a guy with no friends tells me he doesn't know how to care for others, and doesn't understand the meaning of "give and take." One of my dating rules was literally, never date a guy with no friends. It's a very telling sign that that person still has a long way to mature, and I don't have time for "pet projects" when there are quality guys out there like Meeks

What if did all that but did care for others?

Typo? I can't decide if you're trying to say "What if I didn't do all that but did care for others?" or "What if I did do all that but didn't care for others?"

And why is it lazy to stay at home on a Friday night?

It's not automatically bad if you stay home on a Friday night, obviously. You could be at home having a board game night with friends. You could be at home enjoying a family dinner and catching up with your family. You could be at home studying for an exam. These are all productive uses of one's time.

The problem is when you're home alone Friday night after Friday night, doing nothing but surfing the net, playing games and looking at porn. Sorry, a guy doesn't grow living that kind of lifestyle, and I expect a guy to want more out of life than just sit on his butt Friday night after Friday night letting life pass him by.

From your posts in this thread, I think it's pretty safe to assume you're just alone at home surfing the net and playing games to pass the time. Instead, you should be putting yourself out there, and meeting other folks in their late 20s and early 30s. After all, aren't you in SO CAL? That place is TEEMING with people your age! Go mingle, go make some friends, go get some fresh air!

Is it more productive to go out with guys to a bar and holla at girls?

Who said anything about hollering at girls in a bar? I'm saying doing activities with family or friends (whether at home or outside) is way more productive than surfing the net on a Friday night.

What do you do at home by yourself on Friday nights? Surf the net, play games, rinse and repeat? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume that's the majority of how you're spending your Friday nights. You're never going to grow or meet anyone if you continue living this ultra-safe no-risk lifestyle. Get off the La-Z Boy, put down the controller and go to one of the many SO CAL single events and mingle.

You're 30. You're still young. Don't let life pass you by.

Edited June 3, 2012 by Meeks7

June 6, 2012

Hubby was playing GTA 4 the other day, and you have to do the date scenarios with that Michelle girl to get her "like value" up high enough for missions to unlock, and it made me think: This is NOT how dating and sex things really work. I mean, I think most guys who play video games know that stuff, but maybe some really don't. There is no, "You do this, and that stat raises, and success happens." There is plenty of, "You boost your OWN stats, you do better in life in general" but no transactional nature to life the way there has to be (because of programming limitations) in games. Just a thought, since I know SD likes video games. I do too, because you always know what to do to succeed. It's comforting and fun. But life isn't like that, and that's a GOOD thing --- it's what makes life worth living, really.

As someone who did 20+ raid runs in a row without the piece of gear that I wanted dropping, I would think that gamers should understand the non-transactional nature of life pretty darn well.

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