Stargazer25 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] A little background on my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When I first met him he was so wonderful, always very polite and nice to me. He started to change about 3 or 4 months into the relationship. He started asking me about my past relationships, which I didn't really mind at first but he started wanting intimate details of what had happened, asking me what I felt was degrading things ie; did I give this guy head or did he and I have sex in this position and things like that. It made me uncomfortable. He began to question me more and more. I had told him I was safe, had always used condoms and had also been tested to put his mind at ease that I was safe. Soon I began to feel really bad about myself a lot and would do anything to avoid this topic. He says that it is him getting to know the REAL me, but I can't see how him knowing if I did this or that with someone is getting to me. These past relationships go back some almost 18 years ago. My boyfriend has cheated on me several times and lied to me about it, and I have never cheated on him or lied to him about my past relationships but he is always accusing me of lying and then says he can't be with me because of relationships I had before I met him, when I point out that he has cheated on me he says "thats all you've got on me" as if that wasn't enough? I feel that he is verbally and emotionally abusing me, he calls me a bitch and a liar and sometimes a whore. Yet when I try to leave him and I tell him not to contact me anymore he cries and says he loves me and that he is sorry. He says he knows he needs help but it never stops. He doesn't like me to wear certain clothes and he doesn't want me to go out with my friends, if I don't answer my phone when he calls he is angry and mean to me asks me where the hell i've been. He goes out with his friends and doesn't have a phone for me to reach him. Today he went to a party bbq with his friends and didn't call me all day until tonite. When I asked him if I could go with my friends to a bbq he said "try it and see what happens" I ask him if was threatening me, he said "no i'm not threatening you, i'm saying try it and see what happens" I've told him I feel he is abusive, he says he isn't and that I MAKE him behave the way he does. I'm always on eggshells with him and I never know when he is going to lash out at me or hang up on me. Am I crazy? Is he abusing me? Love shouldn't hurt like this should it? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 You have just described a number of the classic symptoms of abuse; everything from the saying you 'make' him that way to the tears (oh, yes, abusers are famous for weepy apologies). Read for yourself, and then plan to leave this guy. They only get worse. http://quark.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/abuse.htm http://web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Controlling.shtml#protecting http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/checklisttxt.htm http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/signs.html Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 You know you're not crazy. Your boyfriend has serious control issues and I am worried that they will continue to increase the longer you're with him. Every time you tell him that you're ending it and you allow him to convince you not to he gains a little more control over you. Every time you let him do this he learns exactly how to play you and what he needs to do in order for you not to end it. It's all about controlling you. This is an abusive relationship. You know he shouldn't treat you this way. This is not love. You need to end this relationship as soon as possible. I'm a little worried about the "try and it and see what happens" comment. I would suggest ending this relationship in a public place or some where with a few friends near in case you need help. You need to stop this now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Share Posted June 28, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] Right now I'm crying so hard! I just feel like i'm loosing my mind over all of this. It was good to read for myself that other people don't think his behaviour is acceptable or normal. I've been afraid that it was just me and that I was making to much out of things. I've looked at so many sites trying to understand what I'VE done to MAKE him treat me this way. I'm a bright girl, and am told i'm attractive which is another issue for my boyfriend as well~ now I just feel so stupid for being in this situation and more stupid for trying to understand how to make it better. I wonder if it's because I don't want to "fail" at this. Every time I tell him I need to get out and go my own way he makes me feel guilty and even though I know I need to get out, I stay there. My family and friends are worried about me and my boyfriend has told me that if I break things off with him he will not leave me alone. He starts "negotiating" with me, saying can't we still be friends? He will go off on me telling me i'm a liar and a slut and that he always knew that about me, that before he goes he wants me to tell him the truth and admitt to things he thinks i've done with other guys BEFORE I met him. Finally he will say it's over he can't be with me, when I say fine then he says really? is that what you really want? are you sure? 110% sure? when I tell him I am certain then he says you know I love you, can I call you tomorrow? I tell him NO he can't then he says I love you call you tomorrow and hangs up on me. Do you think he could also be a sex addict? he is obsessed with knowing EVERY DETAIL of who, where, when and how of my PAST but when I tell him (and my family and friends say I should tell him it's not his business) then he gets mad and calls me names. Says i'm lying about it and that it doesn't make any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 You're not stupid for not knowing what an abusive relationship is. It's not like they tell you in school (though they should!). It's not like you learn it and know it for when you need it. But now you know, quit trying to figure out what is wrong with him or how it could be fixed. Just drop him and move on. It wasn't your fault you got with him, but now it's time to call it quits and bail. If you are living with him, check out the information about making and carrying out a safety plan and leave safely. Link to post Share on other sites
Brown Eyed Girl Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 I agree with the other posts leave as soon as possible! Emotional Abuse could also lead to Physical Abuse in some cases. My Ex had all these classic symptoms of Emotion Abuse. Luckily I got out of the relationship around the stage that you are describing. They all seem to start of really sweet and nice in the first couple of months. Read up on Emotional and Physical Abuse. Learn a bit about it and then when you go out onto the dating scene again you will definately know the signs to look for when you are with a new guy. I do now that's for sure. Don't let this bastard get away with what he is doing to you. I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Good luck, stargazer. I agree that you should leave. I hope it goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Share Posted June 28, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] Thank you Ladies, you've all touched me with your encourgment and kindness. How do I get out of this relationship now? We've been together for awhile, my parents say it's just like a bad habit, that I need to break and I now they are right, I just don't know how. When I try to leave he reels me back in how do I find the courage to leave him for good so he understands and I feel okay doing this? I'm scared and feel alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 He doesn't need to understand anything. Tell him it's over, there's nothing to discuss. You don't have to explain yourself to him. You're not obligated to explain anything or help him understand why this is happening. He knows why this is happening. He's not stupid. He's manipulative and controlling and it's time you stopped being his puppet. Find someone else that appreciates you for who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 You're not alone at all. You have your family and your friends. Ask them to help you keep strong and to not let you go back to him. Read some books on love addiction and read up about abuse. Love is supposed to be good for you. You are supposed to be able to grow and be happy when someone loves you. Love is NOT about keeping someone in a prison! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Share Posted June 28, 2004 [font=arial][/font] I wonder a lot how i've found myself in this position, and know it's my own fault for not leaving him when he began his abuse of me. My family and friends have and had told me previously that it would only become worse and never get any better, they have all been right, just as you ladies are right. I've looked at myself and questioned how I could've allowed this to happen to me, knowing if it was one of my friends, sisters or mom involved in something like this I would be telling them to get out. My boyfriend has told me several times that I am "damaged goods" and that I would have to find a "sucker" to want to date me. It is the scars of his words that are left on me and even when I think that he said it ONLY to hurt me, I guess I now wonder if he's right about me? I know it all just sounds so pathetic even to me. It's like watching a car wreck, you know it's going to hurt you so much but you feel powerless to stop it. I haven't spoke to him since yesterday, i'm at work now trying to focus and get past these insecurities that kept me awake last night. Olivia, you are so right in saying he doesn't need to understand why, in his own mind though I really do believe he thinks it's me and isn't him that has the problem. I know it doesn't make any difference, as he will believe what he wishes too, and I don't know why I feel like I somehow feel responsible to make him understand, like i'm wanting him to know I care about him but I can't let him hurt me anymore. Thank you again Ladies, you've all helped me put some perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Oh yes, get out now. Tell him that you no longer want to have a relationship with him, and mean it when you tell him, so that he knows you mean it. Don't break up with him when the 2 of you are alone, do it with other people present, maybe not in the same room, but in another room. Your life will be better without this person in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 First of all you need to just stop analyzing everything. There is nothing more to consider. There is nothing more to discuss. There is nothing more you need to weigh. You need to leave. That is it. There are no other decisions to be made. It is over. It has been over for a long time but now you've finally found the strength to end it. It doesn't matter how you got into this situation. All that matters is that now you are taking control of your life and you're doing what is right for you. There were men before him and there will be men after him. There are plenty of good single men in this world. Life is not dismal. You will not be left wandering the world alone but until you free yourself from his grasp you will not find Mr. Right. IT IS OVER. It has been over and it will be over because you're ending it. Love yourself and love life. Look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Varacha Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Reading your post was like my life was with the man who I almost married, I left a few times but he had made me feel like I was worthless, and no one would ever love me. I finally got up enough courage to leave again and told my friends and family, I've never been happier. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Share Posted June 29, 2004 [font=arial][/font] Varacha, Thank you girl for the encouragment, I need all I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 It is typical for the abuser to leave the abused feeling worthless - so much so that the abused (and it can be male or female) feels there will never be any hope for love without the abuser. Once you have been away from this (and maybe gotten some counselling) for a long time, you'll realize how horribly he treated you and how you did NOT deserve it. Everything he said to you was a lie - he did it to make himself feel superior at the cost of you. Don't believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 It's not like they tell you in school (though they should!). It's not like you learn it and know it for when you need it. Actually, good news, Moi, they are teaching about it at the high school I work at. In Consumer Family Studies. So there is hope for our future girls, at least. StarGazer, hang in there. You are not stupid for falling into this. It can start out SO subtly...they can be SO sincere when they initially start hurting you, with their apologies. It isn't until you can step back and look at the big picture that you are seeing all the signs. Obviously if he started out smacking you around you would have left. He didn't do that. Stop beating yourself up and GET OUT. HUGS YOU CAN DO THIS!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] Update here ladies~ ugh! today he called me (he had been emailing me all day at work with this crap) and says he just wants to know the truth, did I do this *sex act* with this guy from my PAST. I told him to leave me alone AGAIN and to stop calling me and hung up the phone. He called right back and said that he was going to tell me the truth, then proceeds to tell me who all he had sex with when he was with me in our relationship. I was so upset, but I just said "okay whatever we have nothing further to discuss don't call me anymore" I hung up again. He called again and I didn't answer, he kept ringing my phone every 10 minutes. Then he must have blocked his number because it came up restricted so I answered the phone it was him and he says "I didn't really cheat on you and I love you and miss you" I said whatever good for you don't call me again. He kept calling me back saying he had more to say, I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to tell me and hung up. He called again! I don't even know what he was saying because I was driving and couldn't hear him. Then he hung up~ Ugh, I feel like i'm loosing my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Can't you block his calls? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] No I can't I don't have that option on my phone, and if I don't answer my cell phone when I'm at work and he is on one of his tangents he will call my work repeatedly, I'm a surgical assistant and get in trouble when he calls my work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Talk to his phone company. Complain that one of their customers is harrassing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] Moi, He is *yikes* in the military. He calls me sometimes from his work station or from a local payphone. If I called his commanding officer I'm afraid I would be opening up a can of worms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] I told him again a lot today to stop calling me. He says he will, do you think he will? I really don't want to call his CO Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Well, I'd talk to your local domestic violence people for the best strategy. I'm thinking you should warn him that you'll tell the CO if he doesn't cease but that may be the wrong thing to do. The folks at a shelter or crisis line will know the best way to go about this. Link to post Share on other sites
gene Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 It's never going to change, they just keep getting more insecure with themselves and find ways to emotionally abuse you. Do you know were he came from and what kinda past relationship he been in? Your flags are coming up and you need to listen your inner self. Everybody can tell you to leave him, but it is only you can make that decision. Just remember when you decide to leave him, its going to hurt, but time heals and you will get past it. Also when they accuse, they are ones that are living with secrets. Link to post Share on other sites
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